Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!
Previous Entries: C.1., C.2, C.3, C.4, C.5, C.6, C.7, C.8, C.9, C.10, C.11, C.12, C.13, C.14, C.15, C.16, C.17, C.18, C.19, C.20, C.21, C.22, C.23, C.24, C.25.A, C.25.B, C.26, C.27, C.28, C.29, C.30, C.31, C.32, C.33, C.34, C.35, C.36, C.37, C.38, C.39, C.40, C.41, C.42, C.43, C.44, C.45, C.46, C.47, C.48, C.49, C.50, C.51, C.52, C.53, C.54, C.55, C.56, C.57, C.58, C.59, C.60, C.61, C.62, C.63, C.64, C.65, C.66, C.67, C.68, C.69, C.70, C.71, C.72, C.73, C.74, C.75, C.76, C.77, C.78
Interludes: I.1, I.2, I.3
No sex and nudity this time. Jokes, though.
Is that even remotely acceptable as a replacement?
At least this time when the damn porn host crashes, nobody will notice.
Deborah: What a boring house.
For a boring lady!
Deborah: I'm not that boring, am I?
With a face like that? You're practically the anthropomorphic personification of boring. I'm surprised Neil Gaiman hasn't written a graphic novel about you.
Deborah: I might be boring, but at least I have a car now.
Yeah, you went from being Ralph Macchio in "The Karate Kid" to being Ralph Macchio in "My Cousin Vinnie." Congratulations.
Deborah: Oh no a car watch out.
At least you're not being enthusiastic about it.
Deborah: I'm not a moron, I'm just programmed that way.
Oh good, more money. Now I need to think about what to buy you, and that's a problem, because I can only get through your household by mentally shutting down.
Awesome, boring people inside, interesting people outside. This is how The Hobbit starts.
Ember: You are aware that I am not a wizard.
Of course you're not. You're a sex witch!
Ember: As long as we're clear on that.
Ember: She's not answering, I say we break in. You there! Suspiciously pasty biker! Make with the lockpick-fu.
You're making your guests wait so you can... cook them burned sandwiches.
Deborah: I've read The Hobbit. If they're gonna eat all my food, I want them to choke on it.
Deborah: Come on in, everybody! But let's be clear - we're not doing this in 48 FPS. I'm too tired.
Ember: Was that a Hobbit movie joke?
Ember: Because it's like.... a year too late.
Or a few months too early!
Craig Benson: Man, this woman looks like shit.
Craig: But I can roll with that.
Hey hey! Two puns in wun!
Ember: You have great skin, buddy.
Alvin: Thanks! I coat it with neon, so it gets that extra shine!
Ember: That's lovely.
Alvin: I bet you'd know all about loveliness, baby!
Ember: Only when I look in a mirror. Everything else here is shit.
Ember: Fada soola gor!
Alvin: Scientifically unlikely!
Ember: Fada soola bron!
Alvin: Experimentally falsified!
Ember: Fada vaby oba vaba gonk gonk gonk!
Alvin: Methodologically unsound!
Ember: GERBITZ GERBITZ OH MY GOD GERBITZ
Alvin: Theoretically possible, but the implications are unsettling.
Craig: You look unsettled. Would a creepy hug help?
Alvin: It might! Let me see if I can muster one, honey.
Craig: Well that backfired.
Alvin: Check out my ass!
Ember: Your underwear is showing.
Alvin: Well that backfired.
Ember: It damn well better not have, it's right in my face.
Deborah: Guys. I'm eating.
Ember: So apparently my grandkids are toddlers now. I bet my daughter is gonna have her hands full, she's getting pretty old to be having young children.
Craig: How the fuck old are you, sex witch?
Craig: Wait a minute, aren't you... didn't you do that song in the 20s about having sex with strangers on a highway? I was fucking conceived to that song!
Craig: I hope I look that good when I have grandkids.
Ember: Don't be silly. You won't be allowed to have grandkids.
Craig: Says the woman whose daughters ought to be tied to the train tracks and left there.
Alvin: I just moved in with this nice Maxis girl down the road. She's using me to get back at her boyfriend!
Deborah: And you're okay with that?
Alvin: I'm a townie. I'll take all the use I can get!
Ember: You probably aren't the breeding type anyway, I'm surprised you don't have your right ear pierced.
Deborah: Did you ever meet Ember's last husband? He looks pretty foxy with that retarded moustache he just grew.
Alvin: Yes. Yes, he does. I think about it sometimes. I think about it often.
Alvin: NOW WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE ME SAY THAT FOR
Craig: Good show, this.
Ember: Best thing on television.
Ember: Hey hey, free charcoal briquettes! How considerate!
Craig: So he was telling me about this third-generation AI he was constructing a robotic shell for, right?
Alvin: Never righter!
Craig: Anyway, before he even got the AI installed, the thing starts spewing out random crap about the guy's dead relatives!
Alvin: Could totally happen!
Craig: Turns out, there was a ghost in the shell!
Alvin: OH MY GOD YOU'RE TURNING ME GAY
Craig: I never thought I'd find a science lover.
Alvin: You mean a lover of science.
Craig: No, I mean a science lover. I mean I wanna fuck you. In your ass.
Craig: I learned all about it in jail.
Craig: You can be my Feynman!
Alvin: Bullshit. You can be mine.
Deborah: So I'm thinking about moving.
Ember: Aww, this place isn't so bad now that all the serial killering and apocalypsing is mostly over with. You just need to find a dude to bang.
Deborah: You heard the narrator! I'm too boring for most dudes!
Ember: I've got this thing I can do with my tongue... I'll teach it to you some time, and you'll never lack for dudes again.
Alvin: Could you teach it to her now? I've got a video camera! In my eyes.
Deborah: We're trying to have a mature conversation here, Alvin.
Ember: No shit, eh? Blowjobs. Serious business.
Deborah: Oh! I was wondering what you meant about your tongue, I stick mine out at dudes all the time and they don't seem to be all that interested. But you're talking about sex!
Ember: She can be reached! But can she be reacharounded?
Craig: No. No, she cannot.
Craig: Fourteen? More like boreteen.
Deborah: It's a valid point.
Craig: Wanna freak god out?
Ember: Might as well.
Ember: Weird hug!
Craig: One time only!
Ember: Or many times, over and over, in the nude.
Craig: How do you people keep out-creeping me?!
Deborah: Get the fuck out of my bathroom!
Alvin: But the gases in here, they're rare and fantastic! It's the Sciencest bathroom I've ever been in!
Deborah: LUCAS HAS PROBLEMS OKAY GO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THEM
I couldn't shit with the door open like that.
Of course, I couldn't shit in my pants, either.
Deborah: This way I can just throw the pants out, and Lucas won't find anything when he goes toilet-diving later.
I... you... next pic.
Craig: Those open buttons make me want to open all of your buttons.
Ember: That's the effect I was going for!
Alvin: It's super-effective!
Ember: You think if we both sit down really hard at the same time, the fabric will tear?
Craig: We owe it to science to find out!
Alvin: Is somebody doing Science over there? Can I watch?
Ember: Okay, stop synching with me, it's-
Craig: See what I did there?
Alvin: I saw what you did there!
Ember: You gonna come over here and join us, or do you just like to watch?
Alvin: I just like to watch.
Deborah: Oh, hey William! Not much, just hanging out with Ember and two gay guys.
Alvin: Hey! We're not gay guys!
Craig: So I was thinking a necklace of white pearls.
Ember: You'd do better to go with white gold, it would match your shirt.
Ember: And Deborah might have some dresses you guys can borrow.
Alvin: I'M NOT GAY
Ember: Look at that seam in the wall texture.
Craig: Lighting effects suck in here.
Ember: Tell me about it.
Ember: ...were you just looking down my dress?
Craig: What? No! NO!
Ember: Well why not?!
Alvin: Yeah, why not? I would've been!
Alvin: They won't even let me teach chemistry classes at the local high school anymore, they caught me with my x-ray goggles.
Ember: Sounds like you need a good lawyer.
Alvin: Really? The school board just suggested chemical castration!
Alvin: Which was kinda rude, after I raised their average GPA by a full point and all.
Ember: How'd you do that?
Alvin: I counted a wet t-shirt contest as an extra credit assignment.
Craig: I don't think I wanna be gay buddies with you anymore, Alvin.
Alvin: I HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN JUST LAST YEAR, OKAY?!
Craig: Okay? I'm not the gay police or anything.
Ember: Would the gay police be NPCs? Because most of Pine Valley's NPCs wind up dead pretty fast.
Alvin: Why do you think I moved in with Lucas and Kitty? It wasn't for the sights and smells, let me tell you.
Alvin: Especially not the smells.
Ember: Fada soola gor!
Alvin: No! You're supposed to repeat the experiment in the same conditions!
Ember: Fada soola bron!
Alvin: Bah, screw the method. Science waits for no one!
Ember: Vada vaby oba vaba gonk gonk gonk!
Alvin: That last part always reminds me of Star Wars.
Ember: Gerbitz! GERBITZ! Owwwwwwwww stucco!
Ember: My fucking hands are bleeding!
Alvin: Well keep them elevated!
Ember: Why am I hanging out with you people? When did I become supporting cast?
Honestly? The moment your kids were born.
Craig: Hey, did you hear? That power plant in Centreborough is covering everyone's houses in soot! There's talk of a lawsuit!
Ember: Leave it to me, boys. I'm taking back the spotlight! Just call me EMBER CHOKE-A-BITCH, Attorney at Law.
Craig: Even lawyers love the ticklemonster!
Ember: Goddammit Craig you're ruining my rageface!
Oh, are you still here?
Deborah: This is my house!
Deborah: Stop being interesting in my house before the Maker chokes me to death.
Ember: Will I have enough time for that? When is he planning to choke you to death?
Craig: Weird hug?
Alvin: The triumphant return!
Alvin: Keep in touch with me, honey.
Craig: I feel you, babe.
Ember: Alright, they're not gay. No gay guy sounds that lame.
Ember: I'll see you in the funny pages!
Not likely, I frequently skip the newspaper intros entirely now.
Thanks guys! There wouldn't have been a chapter without you.
Actually, no, in that case, fuck you guys.
Deborah: Well, that was a waste of time.
How did you know my nickname for you?!
Deborah: Hang on a sec, my ankle is ultrafucked.
Deborah: AND NOW I'M WEARING DIFFERENT PAJAMAS.
I think you're pregnant, actually.
Deborah: Right, because that makes this less weird.
Since when were we trying for less weird? Anyway, next time: the funniest and most terrifying series of pictures you've ever seen from this game.
See if I'm not right.
I totally am right.
But see anyway.
- Current Mood:valent