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The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 134


Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!



Previous Updates
Pine Valley:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25A, 25B, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100.
Clover County: 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118 119, 120. 121, 122, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133.
Interludes: 1, 2, 3. April Fools' Day: 2014, 2014 Comparison, 2015.
Recaps: 1.

This chapter's fucking awesome.

If you don't like it, you suck.

And if you do suck, I hope you brush your teeth afterward.




Yep.



Alvin: I thought I specified non-haunted children's toys.
Kitty: You think a lot of things.



Not really.



I'm not giving you any dialogue, because I don't know if you can talk yet or not.

Ivy:

No, how about you go and fucking look it up!



Meanwhile, Kitty opts out of this entire chapter.



Kitty: OH GOD MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE ALVIN'S



That's mercy kill territory, that is.



Kitty: I hope you have some entertaining story ideas for today.
Alvin: I was just gonna watch TV.
Kitty: Don't blame me when we get killed off in the next big event, then.



Alvin: Okay!



Kitty: I don't know why it hasn't happened yet, but if you hear a loud thump, come make sure I haven't passed out on our kid.



Kitty: DON'T MAKE THAT FUCKING FACE AT ME



Kitty: SAY THAT TO MY FIST



Kitty: You wouldn't dare!

Could you maybe provide the other half of this riveting conversation, for those of us who aren't animists?



Kitty: Seems legit.



I wouldn't drink that, if I were you.

Ivy:

Haha, yeah! You said it.



Kitty: Definitely about to fall asleep. Can you watch Ivy?
Alvin: Nope! Going to work.
Kitty: But our child!
Alvin: She's too short to be a secret agent.



Kitty: She's just about intelligent enough, though.



Alvin: Try not to lay around all day, okay?



Clay: The orange-suited fashionista presents, but does not recommend.
Alvin: The purple armadillo flies at midnight.





The laser-guided karma hates stupid code phrases.



Clay: There's a code phrase for this occasion, you know.
Alvin: DON'T SAY IT



It's "the soot-covered agent tries for porcelain, but fails."



And you know why?



Because he ran to the toilet, and I told him to wash his hands after, and he did that FIRST.



Alvin: I aim to please!

Well aim for the toilet next time instead.



Alvin: I needed a shower anyway.



Alvin: My hair got all mussed up by the rain.



Caryl: Who's the white dude who's squeaky-clean but kinda rude?
Alvin: Shaft!
Caryl: No, you.



Yes, let's go over what you did wrong.



For the next four hours.



Alvin: I can't believe this.
Theresa: I'm telling you, you've got it wrong.
Alvin: They assign me a green rookie to train up?! Me? The famous Alvin Woodrow?!
Theresa: I'm a seasoned field agent!
Alvin: I don't have time to hold your hand, junior!
Theresa: I OUTRANK YOU



Theresa: Although I hear you were pretty rank this morning.



Alvin: I don't get it.



Theresa: Any mail bombs?
Alvin: They'd be labelled as such, right?



Alvin: I mean, they must be regulated, right?



Deep thoughts?

Theresa: Trying to figure out who I pissed off at work.



Conrad Gilscarbo: Silently he waits, as her curious love for him grows.



Theresa: NO NO NO



Alvin: What did mommy leave you that bottle of sulfur for, honey?



Kitty: Purgation. Since this is purgatory.



Kitty: I dreamed I was still a townie, and nobody paid attention to me, and I just walked around doing nothing all day.



Kitty: I hope I have that dream again.



Alvin: Let me know if you want the throw-up juice again. I'll be back with a bucket.



Kitty: I wonder if they sell pillow-top floors.



Theresa: Are you sure about this?
Alvin: All the cool secret agents are doing it!



Theresa: I thought we did the machinegun thing.
Alvin: Too clumsy and random.
Theresa: You know that's-
Alvin: -Jedi Knights, yes of course, but everybody needs aspirations.



Alvin: Now, on guard, you wretched, scummy villain!



Theresa: That's en garde, it's FOOF
Alvin: I TOLD YOU TO BE ON YOUR GUARD



Alvin: Now the trick to a successful fight is making it look, from at least one angle, like you've scored a hit. Do what I do.



Alvin: Perfect, see?! That's more than enough for the Maker to decide I've gotten my leg chopped off!

Don't tempt.



Alvin: Oh, good, here comes Shane to both teach and learn about collateral damage.



Shane: I'm okay!
Alvin: I dunno, you're still wearing that jumpsuit.



Alvin: Come on! When I'm going overhand you have an ideal opportunity to stick it in my stomach!
Theresa: But do you want me to actually do it?
Alvin: We learn by doing! You have to kill me to learn how to kill me.



Alvin: It's stupid, but that's rules for you.



Alvin: I just realized my last meal would be that bottle of sulfur I forgot was sulfur and drank on the way to throwing it out.



Alvin: So I propose you don't kill me and we call this a successful lesson.



Theresa: I'm legitimately impressed, Alvin! I thought you didn't know anything! And yet here you are, knowing at least part of at least one thing.



Alvin: Here. It's your very own secret agent sword.
Theresa: Box seems a bit small.
Alvin: It's a folded blade.



NOBODY TALK

EVERYBODY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AWESOME JOKE



Theresa: You need a girlfriend.



Alvin: Next time we'll learn about surveillance.
Theresa: I've been on over thirty stakeouts.
Alvin: I mean real surveillance: spying on people's hedges and mailboxes with a telescope.



Theresa: The guys at headquarters told me to ask you about science if you got too annoying to handle.



Sandy: He's in some sort of erotic trance.



Alvin: I think I just had sex.



Theresa: Guess I'll practice my telekinesis a bit.



Kitty: THIS CHAIR IS NOT THIS OTHER CHAIR I'M THINKING ABOUT



Kitty: Were you swordfighting on our lawn earlier?
Alvin: Wow, how hard did you hit your head?!



Theresa: My new partner is an imbecile.

I bet you eventually fall in love and get married.

Theresa: You're forgetting the obvious impediment to that.

He's already married?

Theresa: I already have standards.



Theresa: But he obviously doesn't.



How could he?



Kitty: Ugh, I need to go sit down.
Theresa: And watch your stories, no doubt.



Kitty: Your partner's a cunt.



Alvin: Are you proposing a three-way?



Phoebe: Are you guarding these people?
Theresa: Nope. I'm trying to keep them inside, to guard everyone else.



Theresa: Stay classy, Puss.



Kitty: I could come up with an even more offensive nickname based on that haircut of yours.
Theresa: But would I live long enough to hear it?



Kitty: ...



Kitty: Maybe.



Theresa: Do you have any neat gadgets? I didn't get assigned any.
Alvin: I have an electric penis pistol.



Alvin: It fires electricty out of my-
Theresa: Can I use your washroom?



Alvin: Yes, but the pee on the floor isn't mine.



RAIN RUNS DOWN THE ROOF!

HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN HAPPENING FOR



Kitty: HOLY SHIT



Prof. Johnson: ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL MISSION

ENTROPY is making rain run down the roof?

Prof. Johnson: ENTROPY has a very vocal graphics improvement lobby.



Prof. Johnson: Hey, I didn't just admit to belonging to ENTROPY by any chance, did I?



Prof. Johnson: Because you look passingly, slightly like you might be maybe a secret agent.



Theresa: Surprise, evil-doer! I'm going to cut you to pieces with this sword I somehow have!



Prof. Johnson: Of course you have one. All the cool secret agents do. Didn't you get your training yet?



Theresa: Oh god, we're living in Alvin's universe.



Prof. Johnson: How's my posturing? Is it dramatic enough?



Theresa: So dramatic.



Theresa: Don't follow through so hard!
Prof. Johnson: I didn't mean to, but my back just threw out.



Prof. Johnson: Why are you going overhand? Now I have to stick it in your stomach!



Theresa: Guess you'd better do that, then.



Theresa: 'cuz nothing could go wrong with that plan.



Prof. Johnson: That thrust didn't connect!



Theresa: But the angle made it look like it did.



Prof. Johnson: SHIT! That's all that matters!



Theresa: Don't dig your feet in so hard, you'll wreck the lawn.



Prof. Johnson: AND THAT IS WHY WE ARE KNOWN AS ENTROPY



Theresa: I'd have gone with "Lawn Disorder," if that's your reason.



BEST JOKES EVER TODAY GUYS



Prof. Johnson: Good thing I'm wearing my sword-proof chest! And leg.



Alvin: That's weird. The sound is still on when the TV is off.



Prof. Johnson: You can't go for the same spot twice! What are you, Bard the fucking Bowman?!



Theresa: You, sir, are no Smaug.



Theresa: Not even the Rankin-Bass cartoon one.



Prof. Johnson: That's just mean.



Theresa: I don't wanna wrestle.



Prof. Johnson: Oh!



Prof. Johnson: What the fuck was that?!



Theresa: I don't even know!



Alvin: Lookin' pretty good there, sport!
Theresa: I've been an agent for seven years.
Alvin: I'll leave you to it then, champ.



Theresa: Sorry old guy, I have to kill you to show up my partner.



Alvin: We're partners?!



Alvin: So that's why we came home in the same car!



Theresa: The magic of freeze-frame deflects your blow!



Prof. Johnson: That hardly seems fair.
Theresa: I know, right?



Alvin: You guys are bantering! I didn't even teach you bantering yet!



Theresa: Mid-blade, mid-scalp, inch deep.



Prof. Johnson: This isn't pool. You don't have to call your shots!



Theresa: No, but it's more impressive this way.



Theresa: Don't you think?



Alvin: Yeah, but that was at least three inches.
Theresa: That's what he said.
Alvin: You've met Jerome?



I didn't think there was a want for "Partner Wins a Sword Duel."

Alvin: It's called "Meet Someone New."



Prof. Johnson: Curse you, Alvin Woodrow!
Theresa: Hey! This was all me, here!



Prof. Johnson: You win this round... Alvin... Woodrow.
Theresa: What the fuck!



Alvin: I taught you everything you know! You were my instrument in the final defeat of my eternal nemesis, that guy whose date I stole once.



Theresa: I'm gonna pretend you just complimented me for that awesome sword fight I just won.



Theresa: He's not dead. How come he's not dead?

Because I'm trying to figure out how to kill him! I wasn't a technowizard in 2011, okay?!



Alvin: I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of Prof. Johnson Trottier!

No, we totally have, just give me a second.

Theresa: We'll be ready for him next time.

There won't BE a next time!



Prof. Johnson: OH NO MY SWORD-RELATED INJURIES



Ivy:



Prof. Johnson: You have defeated me and gotten the girl!



Theresa: None of that happened.
Alvin: And yet look where my hand WHAT IS THAT BABY THING



Prof. Johnson: I am milking... the giant... cow!



And your death scene, for all it's worth.



This is how actors get replaced, Prof. Johnson.



Prof. Johnson: I shall have... my revenge...
Alvin: When?



Prof. Johnson: In like twenty... years... or so.



Alvin: I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of Prof. Johnson Trottier!
Theresa: You already said that.
Alvin: I thought this was a do-over.



Theresa: Aw, what now?
Alvin: Do you know how hard it is to find a good nemesis? I was cultivating this one for, like, ten fucking years.



The Grim Reaper: WELL, IT'S HARVEST TIME NOW.



Alvin: I'll miss you, Prof. Johnson! I'll miss how I used to miss my paper, because you kept stealing it!



Theresa: I don't know why this has to be so maudlin.

Maybe because THE GRIM REAPER is here?

The Grim Reaper: I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.



Alvin: More like the Death of the party, am I right?



The Grim Reaper: MY NICKNAME IS INVITATION-ONLY.



Alvin: There hasn't been nearly enough Science in this chapter.

I know, right? Your storyline has depth for the first time ever.

Alvin: Well as long as you fix it next time.



The Grim Reaper: THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE, BUNNY. I THOUGHT YOU HAD THIS THING CALIBRATED TODAY.



Alvin: So, a man just died.
Theresa: He seemed like a jerk.



Theresa: I like him better this way.



Ivy:



Alvin: You did alright, Theresa. I'm happy to have you as my partner.



Theresa: This is not the part where we sleep together.



Alvin: I could pretend you give you a back massage, and then slowly creep my hands under your jacket!



Theresa: Or we could remain completely platonic partners and develop a mutual trust and respect that transcends mere sexuality.



Alvin: Even The X-Files couldn't keep that up for nine years.



Alvin: I need munchies now. Winning that duel gave me an adrenaline high.
Theresa: YOU WERE BARELY EVEN THERE



Alvin: See you at work, partner.
Theresa: It seems inevitable.



Congratulations! You're a character now.

Theresa: Don't congatulate me. Congratulate yourself on moving your stagnant plot forward.

See, I would...



...but the very next image is of ramen noodles in a microwave.



Alvin: The plot thickens!



Whatever boring nonsense makes you happy, honey.



Alvin: Drink deep, my dear. If you dare.



Go get that huge glowing emerald!



She'd rather eat her own hand.



Yeah, that's definitely today's takeaway.



Alvin: Hey baby, I just killed a man.



That's one heck of a defense mechanism you have there.



Oh, don't be silly.

Nobody dreams of that.



Kitty: Fuck it, I'm doing something today. I'm a real character.









Your contribution is valued, as always.



Anna: So it says here an NPC got killed on your lawn last night.



What a depressing thought that must be.



Alvin: I'm glad I have a spare in case this one kills herself.



Kitty: I think I need to hear that again.



There's no time! Deus ex machina outside!



Kitty: Goddamn literary conventions!



Brittany Akagi: So, who's under that tombstone?
Kitty: Huh?



Alvin: Every time I wake up, I already know how it's gonna go.



Alvin: Another super day.



It could be worse.

Next time: the slow annihilation of another happy marriage begins.

Should be fun.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
bellemistoire
May. 25th, 2015 05:50 pm (UTC)
Woo! sword fights and stuff!
gruglysims
May. 25th, 2015 06:18 pm (UTC)
Right?
foulmouthtom
May. 26th, 2015 03:14 am (UTC)
"Lawn Disorder"
Seriously ? ........
(bloody funny episode though)
gruglysims
May. 26th, 2015 03:15 am (UTC)
Yes, seriously. I want that joke on my tombstone.

(thanks)
foulmouthtom
May. 26th, 2015 03:46 am (UTC)
Make that joke again and it may well end up on your tombstone matey ......
lumy12
Oct. 11th, 2015 05:52 pm (UTC)
Sword fights! Who knew! Theresa's bad-ass! And... WTF was that baby on the lawn, lolz. You've got some lovely glitches!

I wanna see an electric penis pistol.

You couldn't resist the Jerome joke! Poor little 3-incher :(
gruglysims
Dec. 11th, 2015 08:50 pm (UTC)
I'm a big fan of Theresa. And of baby walkbys. Crawlbys? Flopbys.

Sentences that have never before been typed.

I only have one Jerome joke, but it has many many variants.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )