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UpTowners, Day One


Welcome to UpTowners, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates monthly!



I present this without comment.

Except to say that your eyes will eventually adjust.

Make of it what you will.



Funk you up!

Oh god, please forgive me.



Once upon a time, wherever this place is...



Cameron: Hmm... this is a pretty nice place!
William: How can you tell? I can't see a fucking thing.



Cameron: Yeah, it's really... bloomy around here, eh?
William: And warmy, and glowy, and fucking eldritch.



Cameron: "Fucking eldritch" might be a bit harsh for this fairy wonderland effect.



William: Says the amnesiac girl to the amnesiac guy she met at the edge of a giant blue precipice.



Cameron: Hahaha, yep! That's definitely something that happened. Before the story started.



William: Yeah, um, hey. I'm over here. If you blink really hard the blur's not so bad.



William: Man, I bet I look so sexy in this shit.



Cameron: Timle!
William: Tourneau!



Cameron: Wow, I think my eyes are adjusting. You're starting to look less like a big fleshy blob.
William: Man, I wish I could be you right now, experiencing the experience you're about to experience.



Cameron: So I take it you're pretty high on yourself, then.
William: Just about the only thing I'm sure about right now is how awesome I am!



William: I'm gonna need you to start confirming that for me in about five minutes or I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.



William: And it all has to be true, I'll know if you're making shit up.



William: By the way, do all your bones hurt like they just got pounded into bone shapes from bone dust?
Cameron: No! But I'll definitely let you know if that starts happening. Probably by screaming.



William: I woke up on the ground, right? Maybe I fell from the sky.
Cameron: If you're about to say you fell from heaven, I'm about to leave.



William: If I can't flirt with a pretty lady, what's the point of being alive?
Cameron: I might need you to open some jars or something.



William: That's not funny.



William: No, seriously though, I'm really glad you're here. If I have to be stranded in some weird alternate dimension with no memory of my past life, I might as well do it with someone whose attractiveness is so confusing it'll give me hours of quiet contemplation to take my mind off the vast uncertainty of creation.



William: BITCH YEAH I GOT THAT ALL OUT IN ONE GO



Cameron: I'm flattered for some reason!



Cameron: Seriously though, you think I'm attractive? I feel like reports might vary on that subject.



William: You've got a goofy face and a weird goofy face scar. That's pretty fantastic.



Cameron: ...thanks?



Cameron: Okay, but seriously, should we touch anything? Should we even be in here? What if whoever owns it comes back?
William: What if we own it?
Cameron: This must be how Christopher Columbus felt.



Cameron: And I'm not giving anyone smallpox just to live in this awesome house.



William: Oh sure, wuss out on me why don't you.



William: Anyway I say we put my dick on everything.



William: And I do mean "we."
Cameron: Your self-confidence is as reassuring as it is misplaced.



William: You're too well-spoken to argue with properly.
Cameron: So I'm a Knowledge Sim! That's two things I know about myself now!



Cameron: What's in here?
William: The only important stuff.



Cameron: ...you're sleeping outside.



Cameron: I mean, how do I know I can trust you? Maybe you drugged me and dragged me to your secret woodland retreat to seduce me?



Cameron: That would be pretty romantic.



William: I'm flattered that you think I can Photoshop reality like this.



William: Sorry honey, I'm just an average guy. I think.
Cameron: An average guy in a uniform, covered in medals.
William: They're not labelled! They could be kitten-saving medals for all we know.



Cameron: I didn't know medals could save kittens.



William: You trying to turn me off?



William: Anyhow, quit walking away.
Cameron: Give me a reason.



William: Impromptu dance lesson?
Cameron: A logical reason!



William: Man, I bet I could fit my entire head into one of those nostrils.



William: BUT ONLY WITH YOUR PERMISSION



William: I'm a modern dude! I know a woman's nostrils are her own property.



Cameron: I'm trying to figure out why I don't hate you yet.



Cameron: It must be this dreamy atmosphere, it's making me swoon.



William: You sure it's not just me?
Cameron: No, I'm definitely swooning too.



Cameron: PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE



Whump.



William: Oh baby, you just called down the thunder.



Cameron: HAHAHAHA "WHUMP."



William: I'll engrave that on your headstone.



William: IF YOUR CORPSE EVEN HAS A HEAD



Cameron: You're cute when you should be scary.



William: I don't even know what I look like, but I can tell that much from the inside out.



William: Hey, do you think I might be a bit conceited? Because I think that would be a really interesting character flaw to have.



Cameron: You're like an onion made of silly cheese.



Cameron: Turn around, let me see about those bones of yours.
William: You could see the bone you're pointing at instead...



Cameron: I take it you spend a lot of time thinking about sex.
William: I'm a dude. We don't need to know which dude I am to know that.



Cameron: Your muscles are all bunched up, like you're a hunchback or something.
William: I'm sure I have a perfectly sexy reason for it.



Cameron: ...um, wow. You're really built, mister.
William: Built is right, this shit don't come natural.



Cameron: Are you gonna turn everything I say into self-aggrandizement?
William: Only if you tell me what that means!



William: Just kidding, I'm a genius too. Of course.



Cameron: I get this weird feeling like I know you from somewhere.
William: Your-
Cameron: AND NOT "MY DREAMS" BEFORE YOU SAY THAT.



William: I know where we know each other from.
Cameron: Yeah?
William: Yeah. Come closer and I'll tell you.
Cameron: Sounds legit?



William: We met outside the house.



Cameron: You are one grade-A asshole, William.



William: That grade means a lot, coming from a school nerd.



Cameron: I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you.
William: Or hold me or thr-



Cameron: NO PRINCE SONGS I'LL JUST HOLD YOU.



William: Bitches will do anything to make the Prince stop.



Cameron: Did you just call me a bitch?
William: Why, is that a bad thing? My internal lexicon is also conveniently gone.



William: As are all my memories of that human thing we call love. Can you show me?



Cameron: I am going to hate myself for this.
William: You should hate yourself for even considering it.



Cameron: Aw MAN I probably wanted something better than this.



William: Luckily, you might never remember what.



Cameron: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.



Cameron: This amnesia must be progressive. I've already forgotten why I called you an asshole.



William: I'll give you some new reasons to remember soon enough.



William: 'cuz that's my style.



Cameron: Why are your pants so tight?



William: With what I've been feeling down there, I'm afraid to look.



William: Sweet, date flowers! They're worth §55 a pop!
Cameron: And now we know what Aspiration you are.



Cameron: Are you there? The bloom out here is so bad I keep expecting J.J. Abrams to show up.



Cameron: Seriously, if there's anyone out there, HELP US WITH THIS.



Cameron: ...why would anyone be out there?



William: There's a flamingo, but I really doubt he's behind it all.



Cameron: That skanky statue looks like she might be up to no good.



Cameron: ...man, I take it all back, this shiny happy shit is amazing.
William: Don't go all anti-goth on me, that's almost as bad as real goth!



William: AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO TO GOTHS
Cameron: I can guess?



Cameron: And who said you could keep touching me?
William: The quiver in your lips every time I do.



William: And your wobbly tits.



William: You seriously need a bra under there.



Cameron: He noticed my tits!



William: Alright, cards on the table here. I'd probably do you even if you weren't the last doable thing on earth.



Cameron: I'm guessing those medals weren't for poetry.



Cameron: Why can't you just say something nice if you mean something nice?
William: Because then you'd have the advantage!



William: I may not know the specifics, but they don't give out medals to dudes who let other people get the advantage.



Cameron: Wow, you're a nutbag. I should have known from the uniform.



Cameron: But noting the absence of any other sentient life here, I'm gonna go ahead and say sure, let's hold hands and play nice.



William: I dunno, those bees look pretty cunning.



Cameron: Shut up, you've already won me over.



William: As a consolation prize, you get to pick our first romantic shenanigans.



William: I should have known you'd pick something that'd muss up my uniform.



Cameron: This feels right somehow.
William: Probably because the ground brown matches your hair brown and your shirt brown and your boot brown. You're coming home.



Cameron: THERE! Did you see it?!
William: Sure!
Cameron: SOMEBODY'S WATCHING US!
William: THEN STOP MAKING THEM THINK YOU'RE CRAZY



Cameron: You don't believe me, do you?
William: Of course I do! But I almost got my hand all the way up there by making you so mad you forgot to pay attention.



Cameron: If they could bottle what you've got, I bet it would smell like used cars.



William: Used car smell! Now there's a business plan.
Cameron: It just got dark.
William: Hey, it was your stupid idea.



Cameron: No, I mean, it just got dark.
William: Huh. Well. It gets dark here! That's a thing. That's one thing.



William: What are you doing now, crazyface?



Cameron: Contemplating.



Cameron: Okay nope, it's raining now. Not jumping off a nothing cliff in the rain.



William: I'm not sure there's ever good weather for a suicidal plunge.
Cameron: Presumably we came from whatever's beyond that blue curtain.
William: And presumably if they want us back, they can damn well come get us.



William: I for one want to see what that bloom effect looks like on booze.



Cameron: Haven't you got enough to look at already?



William: Right now I do.



Cameron: What's that supposed to mean.



Cameron: Welp, here's to... us, I guess.
William: What a ringing endorsement.



Cameron: I don't even know your last name.
William: Me either.
Cameron: WHICH ISN'T COMFORTING



William: I'm the hot guy you're trapped in a cabin with. While you're drinking. What more do you need to know?



Cameron: I need to know at least another glass of this before I answer.



William: I'll drink to that.



Cameron: I bet whoever I used to be didn't have an awesome house like this.



Cameron: And holy shit those eyes of yours.



William: I can only imagine.



William: I'm gonna need permission to start groping pretty soon.
Cameron: I'm glad you understand the rules.



William: Punch me if this is unwelcome!
Cameron: I take it back.



Cameron: Holy SHIT what is in those pants.



William: Whatever it is, it likes you.



Cameron: I think I'm gonna have to reciprocate.



William: What a convenient coincidence! I can show you my reciprocating engine.



Cameron: How many metaphors do you have for your penis?
William: Enough to keep me covered if I suddenly sprout ten more.



Cameron: I can't wait to tell everyone I knew you before your circus freak days.



William: Oh, you're gonna know me alright.



Cameron: So what, you were a general or something?
William: Maybe they're radio waves and I was big into HAM.
Cameron: Again though, why would you have medals for that?



William: Maybe I had a really dangerous station.



Cameron: I am going to take these puns out on your penis.



Cameron: And that will be the excuse I tell myself in the morning.



William: Oh, we'll still be going by morning.



Cameron: Fantastic, we can have breakfast in dead.



William: I'll lend you some of my stamina if you get tired.
Cameron: That had better not be a metaphor for ejaculating inside of me.



Cameron: Good fucking lord how much did I drink.



Cameron: Are we seriously doing this.
William: I'd rather humorously do it, to be honest.



Cameron: I sure hope this bed belongs to us.
William: We're about to own it, either way.



Cameron: Anything your size in there?
William: Gonna have to tug the crotches out a bit.



William: Awesome, string pants! The well-endowed man's friend.



William: Not that well-endowed men have many enemies.



William: Why do I feel like I'm wrong about that?
Cameron: I bet you get that feeling a lot.



Cameron: I found something slightly smaller than my size!
William: Which is the best size.



Cameron: Man, I've got some crazy tan lines going on here.



Cameron: I'm going to regret this so hard tomorrow.
William: No, this so hard is very unlikely to cause regrets.



Cameron: I think I can justify this on the basis of your sustained incredible wordplay.



Cameron: So. Any memories flooding back yet?
William: Blood is flooding my penis.
Cameron: Yeah, fantastic. Memories though?
William: My penis has some muscle memory it wants to show you. Does that count?



William: I'm just having trouble reconciling this metaphysical nightmare with the fact that I need to fuck you silly.



William: Maybe we already know each other, and we used to have a bunch of sex, and having a bunch more will jumpstart our memories!



Cameron: Okay, I get it, you're horny.
William: THEN WHY AM I STILL HORNY



William: Come on baby, you know you want some of this.
Cameron: With those Maxis feet? You're disgusting.



Cameron: But fuck it, yeah, let's do this thing.



Cameron: This is like something out of a romance novel!
William: Yes, the author would definitely have left all of this out.



Cameron: Oh, wow! Hand kissing! I didn't expect that! And wow you're good with your hands.
William: My hands spend a lot of time on my penis. They've learned some tricks via osmosis.



William: Which I guess means I pee a lot.
Cameron: What?
William: Pretty sure I never need to masturbate, is all I'm sayin'.



Cameron: I really can't figure out why, but I believe you.



William: I'm a master of persuasion. I might not talk softly, but my big stick makes up for it.



William: I'm referring to my penis.
Cameron: Why would you think I wouldn't know that?
William: I just don't want you thinking I have some actual stick somewhere that you could see, because you'd be so disappointed.



Cameron: You're such a knob.



Cameron: NOW YOU'VE GOT ME DOING IT



William: I've been trying to get you doing it for hours.



Cameron: ...this actually feels really familiar.
William: You can't get much more familiar than this!



Cameron: STOP PLAYING ON MY WORDS



Cameron: But keep playing on my everything else.



Cameron: Mmmmmmmm yeah.
William: There's nothing hotter than a smart chick struck dumb.



Cameron: Are you sniffing my hair?
William: No, I'm rubbing it on mine. Hoping to get some residual shampoo so I don't have to shower tomorrow.



William: Lifehack.



Cameron: Take me, you disgusting man-thing!



William: Oh my god! I get it! I know what I used to be!
Cameron: A penis salesman?
William: No! What? But no!



William: I was an undercover agent.



William: And I was the best.



Cameron: I'd say you still are.



Cameron: Is this real?
William: I hope not! Reality blows.



Cameron: Who knows? Maybe I do too.



Cameron: How long have you been awake?
William: Oh, for at least a few boobs.



Cameron: I don't know why your lechery is so flattering.



William: With what I'm packing downstairs, baby, any attention from me is a boon.



Cameron: I need to spend the rest of the day away from you.



Cameron: So we can spend the night together, naturally.



William: I might not be able to wait that long.



William: Unless you've got a sister or something.



Cameron: I might, because just hearing that word makes me wince.



William: Whew! That was quite the workout.
Cameron: I feel kinda embarassed.
William: What? Why?! I think I got two extra Body points out of what you did last night!



Cameron: Well, you definitely helped tone my vagina a bunch.



Cameron: That deserves pancakes.
William: If that's a-
Cameron: It's not a metaphor for anything sexual.
William: WHY NOT



William: I'll still take the pancakes though.



William: Free pancakes ain't nothin'.

Welp, there's that done for a month.

Back to Pine Valley proper next week.

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Comments

( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
porkwithbones
Oct. 3rd, 2015 07:41 am (UTC)
Who huh wha huh?

There's nothing hotter than a smart chick struck dumb.

…Maybe I can take comfort in that? (It was my favorite line of the update, I confess.)
gruglysims
Oct. 4th, 2015 03:10 am (UTC)
Maybe it will make more sense next month! Spoiler alert: it will make less sense next month.

Congratulations on being hot, I guess?
porkwithbones
Oct. 4th, 2015 10:23 pm (UTC)
That does sound like one of those strange things Sims say to one another. Therefore it makes sense that no one has ever directed such a comment at me in my life.
gruglysims
Oct. 6th, 2015 03:31 am (UTC)
I actually have seen Sims congratulate each other on being hot.
foulmouthtom
Oct. 5th, 2015 10:18 am (UTC)
Have you been injecting the marijuana again Grugs ?
A strange take on the usual tale, if it had included a massive orgy I would have assumed it was a dream of Williams.
gruglysims
Oct. 6th, 2015 03:33 am (UTC)
In Socialist Canada, marijuana injects you as long as you ask it politely.

Life is but a dream, as are other things.
simsfreq
Oct. 14th, 2015 08:20 pm (UTC)
Argh, I'm on tumblr! Or TS4. Never quite sure.

BTW did you know all comments for entries after this one seem to be broken?
gruglysims
Dec. 11th, 2015 08:53 pm (UTC)
There's no such thing as TS4, don't spread lies.

Seems to be fixed now.
simlili
Jan. 13th, 2016 12:52 pm (UTC)
Aw, you got all romantic again and it wasn't even February.
gruglysims
Feb. 13th, 2016 07:37 pm (UTC)
Nobody ever gives me a Valentine.
simlili
Feb. 14th, 2016 09:45 am (UTC)
Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfQ7ieF7w4Y
Happy depressed Valentine.
gruglysims
Feb. 15th, 2016 10:54 pm (UTC)
It's the only kind I recognize.
simlili
Feb. 15th, 2016 11:30 pm (UTC)
Oh come on! :)
lumy12
Jan. 28th, 2016 02:01 am (UTC)
D'awwww it's 50 Shades of Neon! Or something. I guess I don't need to fret about William getting old, he can stay young in this dreamworld... or alternate dimension... or whatever the fuck it is. Hmmm, maybe everyone's DEAD! Is this the afterlife? Thankfully William still has that 9-inch happy wand. I was a little worried when I couldn't see so much as a bulge in those string pants, but he must've just had it folded up real good :D
gruglysims
Feb. 13th, 2016 07:58 pm (UTC)
It wouldn't be much of a dreamworld without Captain Sparkles.
porkwithbones
Mar. 20th, 2017 11:44 pm (UTC)
Did you intentionally skip moving the files in this chapter?
gruglysims
Mar. 21st, 2017 01:10 am (UTC)
No, I'll get around to it eventually.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )