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The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 231


Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



Previous Updates
Pine Valley:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25A, 25B, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100.
Clover County: 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118 119, 120. 121, 122, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143, 144, 145, 146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 152, 153, 154, 155, 156, 157, 158, 159, 160, 161, 162, 163, 164, 165, 166, 167, 168, 169, 170, 171, 172, 173, 174, 175, 176, 177, 178, 179, 180, 181, 182, 183, 184, 186, 185, 187, 188, 189, 190, 191, 192, 193, 194, 195, 196, 197, 198, 199, 200, 201, 202, 203, 204, 205, 206, 207, 208, 209, 210, 211, 212, 213, 214, 215, 216, 217, 218, 219, 220, 221, 222, 223, 224, 225, 226, 227, 228, 229, 230.
Sharpesvale: 737.
Interludes: 1, 2, 3. April Fools' Day: 2014, 2014 Comparison, 2015.
Recaps: 1, 2.

And now the household that makes me feel really guilty.




The what family?

Fuck me.



Rosemarie: Only if you pay us!



Rosemarie: Kisses only for you, buddy. You look STD-ish.



Rosemarie: Wait, are you a government agent? I'll eat food off the floor for you if you like.
Nathan: Oh gosh, if only.



Nathan: See, I'm a detective. And I'm here to arrest you.
Rosemarie: For WHAT?
Nathan: That time you ran a kid over with your car, then took off?
Rosemarie: OH THAT'S ILLEGAL NOW IS IT?!



Nathan: Yeah, like, a bunch.



Rosemarie: Why are you arresting me now? I was a teenager for fuck's sake! I don't think you can even arrest those! Okay never mind I get it now.



Rosemarie: You never did something stupid you regret?
Nathan: ...like forget to zip my pants up?



Nathan: 'cuz I FORGOT TO ZIP MY FUCKING PANTS UP



Nathan: But anyway JAILTIME FOR YOU, RED.
Rosemarie: You are ALSO RED.
Nathan: OH SURE BRING THAT UP



Nathan: Well for your information we're arresting EVERYONE who's EVER committed a crime in the entire COUNTY.
Rosemarie: WHY.
Nathan: BECAUSE THAT'S THE NEW PLOTLINE DAMMIT



Rosemarie: Look, I'm not taking a fall just because it took you assholes almost seventy years to establish a judicial system.
Nathan: If I wanted your opinion I'd fuck it out of you, prostitute!
Rosemarie: I DON'T EVEN OFFER THAT SERVICE



Kendra: Hey, can you take him up to your workspace, please? Some of us are trying to eat breakfast.
Rosemarie: FUCK OFF KENDRA
Nathan: YEAH FUCK OFF KENDRA



Nathan: I'm here to arrest this woman, madam.
Kendra: That's madame with an "e," thank you.



Rosemarie: Who's pressing charges, anyway? Was it Stewart? Or Abigail? Do either of them remember the kid's name? Does anybody?



Nathan: That's entirely beside the-
Kendra: OW



Nathan: See what you made me do?
Kendra: If you leave now I won't press charges.



Nathan: You handled that really diplomatically.
Kendra: All johns are easily manipulated.



Nathan: I'm a Nathan.
Rosemarie: Do your cages have floors or should I bring my own paper?



Emily: Hello handsome! You've reached Kendra's Cathouse, Brothel, Inn of Ill Repute and Licensed Tax Attorneys Limited!



Kendra: Why are you still here?
Rosemarie: Apparently we're waiting for the taxi. Cutbacks.



Kendra: Oh, hey! While you're serving time, you can read that book you've always wanted to read! What was it called again? ANY BOOK?



Rosemarie: You'd better hope they put me away, boss.



Speaking of things that need to be put away.

Nathan: I will not be cockshamed.



Nathan: Are you seriously wearing that to jail.
Rosemarie: Um, duh? It's my jailbait costume?



Roger: Hi Rosemarie! Who's your new co-worker? He's cute.



Roger: Am I misreading this situation somehow?



Roger: What an elaborate roleplay.



You not getting in?

Nathan: The city won't pay for my fare.

Cutbacks?

Nathan: Cutbacks.



Kendra: Penis dude!



Nathan: If I accept that as my new identity, I don't need to fix my zipper!



Emily: Hahaha nerd shit.



I didn't know we were hiring!



Nathan: So, where do you guys keep the cats?



Emily: Hello there, you've reached Kendra's Friends with Benefits Zone!



Nathan: I searched the entire city for a real cathouse, I'm pretty excited.



Emily: Look, I'm really sorry, but our records show you as being a vampire. Yeah. Yeah, prostitutes and vampires, not usually a great mix.



Nathan: Alright, presto, make with the pussies.



Emily: Mmm Kendra I'm so sexy! I mean, I'm so sexy! I mean, look what I found outside.



Emily: They've really changed the criteria for "success" since I was a kid.



You were never a kid.



Genie: I hear and obey the master of the lamp! Three wishes remain.
Emily: Stereotypical much?



Genie: OH FUCK MY ARM



Genie: Wipe that shit off, you're not gonna ask for anything clever, I've heard it all.



Emily: Make me beautiful! No, wait! Make me look the same, but make everyone else think I'm beautiful!
Genie: Do you know how much harder that is?!



Genie: We're fighting against all basic human instincts here!



Genie: Fine, huff my genie taint.



Emily: Did it work?
Genie: Sure kid, get outta here.



Kendra: I believe in second chances.
Genie: Yeah, you look pretty stupid.



Kendra: Bring back the last person whose life was tragically cut short.
Genie: Tragically for them, you mean? 'cuz otherwise I got nothin'.



Kendra: Is this genie cum?



If you're that worried stop exposing your dick to the elements!



Ugh, lock the doors.



Wait, please no.



Clay: Second chance, baby!

LAST chance, ASSHOLE.



Nathan: Who says white men can't jump?



Clay: I love everyone!
Nathan: That's stupid.



Clay: I love you, dick-hangy cop-man!
Genie: Gaaayyyyy...



Nathan: I WILL SHOOT YOU



Clay: Well excuse me for thinking a man with his dick out in a whorehouse wanted some affection.



Nathan: I do not excuse you.



Kendra: Seriously dude, most of our services involve touching.
Nathan: IT'S NOT AS TOUCHING AS YOU THINK



Kendra: Take your clothes off or the Genie's gonna pimphand you.



Nathan: Why is everyone assuming I want sex just because I'm prominently displaying my sex organ?!



Kendra: Go away forever.



Nathan: I've had worse conversations.



Emily: This is a sex hotline, Kyle. Stop freezing it up.



Yes, steal from the poor prostitutes.

Like a good middle classer.



Emmy: Oh my gosh! You're a playable! Save me from purgatory.
Stephen: Nah, it kinda suits you.



Stephen: Stop making townie faces at me, I feel dirty.



I really wouldn't recommend holding grudges against immortal mad scientists.



Emily: Yes, by all means, please tell me how hot Rosemarie was.



Aww, he just realized his worth as a person.



Clay: Hey baby! You put the "me" in "meh!"



Clay: Which means I want to have sex with you even though you're boring.
Emily: Start picking, asshole.



Kendra: Mr. Murphy! Pleased to meet you.
Kyle: Don't call me that. That's like ten different people, and most of them are assholes.



Emily: Why don't you service him?
Kendra: I don't want to talk about dork stuff.



Emily: Hey there, dork stuff!
Kyle: Gonna stuff my dork in you!



Emily: Haha wow, that actually works.



Emily: And yet it doesn't.



Kyle: Man, women who don't want me are so hot.

I know that feel.



Emily: So, shall we find somewhere more comfortable to hang out?
Kyle: No! That offends my puritan work ethic.



Emily: Oh, you're a Mormon. I should have guessed from the outfit.



Emily: Say "hi" to Moroni for me.



I used to know your name.

Oh, I just remembered it!

Still not giving you a line though.



Jessie!

Richard: Old guy!
Jessie: I'm sure one of those names is mine.



Richard: This isn't your stop, Lance.
Lance: From what I understand, this stop belongs to anyone with a few bucks in their pocket.



Lance: By which I mean to imply that your mother is friendly.



Jesse: Ack! So friendly!



Kendra: I resurrected nobody's favourite nobody.
Jessie: That sounds like you, yeah.



Gasp!

It's Chandler Greaves, Agent of ENTROPY!

Chandler: Why, just today I demolished an entire crate of Cokes!



Emily: If this gives me money cancer I'm sueing.



Kendra: His dick is SO SMALL
Jessie: You might want to consider your audience.



Kendra: Sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of your old man penis.
Jessie: Then why are you still doing it?



Kendra: She is SO DEAD
Jessie: Again, your subject matter is questionable.



Jessie: This is better-targeted.



Oh no, they're being crushed!

Yep, there's a filler caption I'll only get to deploy once.



Richard: So hey, you're white.
Lance: I'm practically rose.



That face.

Do you get shocked if you make a wrong move or something?



Emily: YAWN YAWN YAWN

That's no way to treat a customer!

Emily: Hey, it's what gets him going. I'm no judge.



Emily: Oh! HE'S a judge, though.



Emily: No, I've never had anyone ask me for a milkshake. Why? What do you mean?



Just so everyone remembers who has the coolest skyline.



Jessie: I've lost a finger in your ass.
Kendra: At least you did it the weird way instead of the gross way.



Jessie: I guess I'd rather be weird than gross.



And then her lower half went Squigglevision.



Emily: And then the one emoticon crept up on the other emoticon...



Lance: Hey, my life's not so great. My parents are dead.
Richard: So you're saying you have free run of the house.



Lance: I like you.



Kendra: My stomach is down here.
Jessie: Sorry, I'm still used to your pregnant body.



Kendra: ...so...?
Jessie: WELL MAYBE I LIKED THE PREGNANT BODY BETTER



Kendra: Yeah, that's a thing.



Oh god, not again.



Kendra: STOP THE HOVERHANDS THEY'RE FREAKIN' ME OUT



Meanwhile, in another genre...



Kendra: Was it good for you?
Jessie: I'll let you know once I've determined if this is a heart attack or not.



Jessie: ...not. So, not bad.



Kendra: You want to die having sex with me?
Jessie: Yeah, I apologize in advance for your complications.



Kendra: Nah, don't worry. We're paid up with the police department.



Jessie: Aww, you love me.
Kendra: I love your money, anyway.



Jessie: I should buy them an elevator.







Clay: Man, this would be a great time to steal everything.



Clay: If, you know, there was some everything to steal.



Clay: And also if I didn't live here.



Kendra: Ah! There's my kept man.



Kendra: Or is that loose man? 'cuz he feels all jelly-like.



Clay: I'm heterosexually gay for you, baby.



Clay: Yeah, just TRY and figure THAT one out.



Kendra: Ah, the heart is a brainless hunter.



Kendra: Fuckin'?
Clay: Fuckin' RIGHT!



Clay: I even stole some sex toys from the church!





Whatcha all got in the sacks?





I think I'd take the pinball machine, personally.



Wow, it's amazing how much I hate attractive men.



Clay: It's a heavy burden we bear.



Richard: The body heat from all these flies is murder.



Speaking of murder, PUSH OFF.



Emily: Another day, another dollar tree.



Who you calling?

Emily: -spoiler-



Clay: The sheet geometry is coming apart.
Kendra: Just another reminder of our precariously-coded existence.



Clay: Totally fine with that.



Yeah, you're a picture of contentment.



Clay: My situation has its charms.



Clay: I've named them, too.
Kendra: Sorry, nope. Naming rights go to the first person to mount 'em.



Guess it wasn't a spoiler after all.

Oh well, not going back and thinking up a new caption.



In fact UGH get me out of here.

Next time: the real story begins.

It only took seven years!

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