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The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 258


Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



I keep wanting to leave my default "Intro text" placeholder as a joke.

And I keep thinking nobody will get the joke, and they'll just assume I'm lazy or detail-disoriented.

I'm saying I have a high opinion of you, but a low opinion of your opinion of me.




I seen Murphies.

That ain't no Murphy.



Daisy: What?



Daisy: Don't ask me what I was doing with your trash and I won't ask you what you're doing with that soccer ball.



Margaret: Can I get a witness?



She's some kind of wonderful.



Daisy: I'll give you a thousand bucks for whatever comes outta that baby bump.



Daisy: So we have a deal?
Margaret: Yes. You go away, and I don't call the police.



Daisy: That's probably best. For the police.







We're going for "infuriatingly upbeat" here.



Yeah, everyone should be preparing their "don't shoot, officer" speech.



What are you doing here, ugly?



Oh.

He was keeping the ugliers at bay.



What! No! Don't engage them!



Margaret: Whoa... I think I'm gonna fall over...
Ray: CAN'T HELP! I'm a Randian.



Margaret: Oh! Go kill yourself then.



Ray: I will! If I consider it the best application of my creative talents!



Margaret: He'd be cute if his political philosophy wasn't so offensive.

The Paul Ryan effect?



Margaret: No you can't eat my baby! Why does everybody want to eat my baby?!



Margaret Shrugged.



Margaret: Maybe television will make me feel better about myself! Hahaha.



Stylist: This haircut in particular is very attractive on anyone who isn't pregnant, because pregnant people are beasts.



Margaret: Well, that worked out about as well as I expected it to.



Margaret: Oh HELL yeah, Pamela! Meeting lots of new... people? I think I can call them people.



Margaret: Haha YEAH! Makin' out and doin' shots all day long!



Margaret: No, I'm lying. I'm carrying some dickwad's baby and watching bad TV.



Margaret: I MEAN I'M A SPACE COWGIRL ON THE MOON



At least you've got pastels.

That's not nothing!

It's close, but it's not.



It's nice to have a reminder of when you weren't swole with babe.



Margaret: I think those times are coming back real soon.



Margaret: Can I get a witness?

She's alright.



Margaret: CAN I GET A WITNESS!

Clean out of sight, don't you know.



Felix Wolosenko-Murphy will probably never listen to Grand Funk Railroad.



Margaret: And I love him for it.



And this is Fiona Wolosenko-Murphy.

Margaret: Talkin' talkin' 'bout my baby!

OKAY THAT JOKE IS OVER



And the joke that is the rest of your life has only just begun.



Hmm.



Well at least you two are holding down the fort.



Margaret: Hey! Free babies!



Chelsea: I got dibs.



Chelsea: I need help keeping this house in order.
Brenda: This house is like a hundred square feet.
Chelsea: I know, right? It's a big job.



Chelsea: Pregnancy is supposed to ruin your life, not your sister's.



Chelsea: Do gypsies actually steal babies? I might want to negotiate a transfer.



Chelsea: No, I'm not being racist. You aren't Roma. You're gypsies. As in stereotypical Hungarian baby thieves. This game isn't sophisticated enough to know what it's doing.



Chelsea: I love basking in my own reflected glory.



Yeah, like your needs are an important part of this equation.



Chelsea: I need to suck face.



Aiyana: It's pay for play, baby.



Aiyana: Oh, wow! Now that's what I call an investment! I'll be sure to search far and wide for the perfect match!



Aiyana: That guy who was just here is your perfect match.



Chelsea: Seriously.



Chelsea: Dismissed! With extreme prejudice.



Aiyana: My people are used to prejudice.

You're not a real Roma!

Chelsea: Wow, check out that hairline! Testosterone city, man!



Geoffrey: Fate brought us together!
Chelsea: I'm more inclined to blame senility.



Geoffrey: Is this strictly necessary?
Chelsea: What, they don't have mirrors in townie housing?



Chelsea: Anyway don't worry, I have at least a passing interest in keeping your primary features intact.



Chelsea: Oh shit, you're still boring.



Geoffrey: You turned me into a vampire?!



Geoffrey: Awesome.



Geoffrey: Are we gonna date now?
Chelsea: You are way past your date, dude.



Chelsea: You can stay long enough to help me with my tennis elbow.
Geoffrey: Oh, I'm not a doctor. I killed one and took his clothes.



Geoffrey: I'll show myself out.



Chelsea: You'd better.



Geoffrey: But wait! That glint in her eye!
Chelsea: Nope!



Chelsea: Leave now or I'll sic a bigfoot on you.



Chelsea: That did not have the desired effect.



Chelsea: You want a free baby?



Geoffrey: No thanks, I already ate.



Chelsea: Goodbye Geoffrey. I'll always remember you. So I can avoid you.



Geoffrey: Maybe I'll stop by later.
Chelsea: Maybe I'm dialling my bigfoot right now.
Geoffrey: Maybe I'll just keep walking.



And suddenly this is a horror story.



Chelsea: Guess he's not a fastfoot.

Huh?



Chelsea: What, you thought I was joking?



Chelsea: His foot isn't the only thing that's big.



Amin: Bestiality is wrong.



Amin: I'm going to call the SSPCA on you!



Chelsea: Somebody's got a lot of internalized racism to work out!



Chelsea: Thanks for ruining my perfect kiss record bee tee dubs.



Chelsea: HOW IS THIS ACCEPTABLE



Chelsea: HELP I'M BEING STOLEN



Chelsea: Or at least my heart is!

Bleh.



Chelsea: Amin, will you be the Harry to my Hendersons?



Amin: I got that reference! I didn't get good cable in the forest, but I did find a lot of VHS tapes.



All he'd have to do is stick one arm backward and he'd be a swastika.

Monster.



Wait, back up, we're doing what now?



You were saving yourself... for bigfoot?!



Amin: If that was her saving herself, then nuns are absolute spendthrifts.

Point.



Oh, did you have a Fear of "Get Engaged to a Cryptid"?



Chelsea: Just trying to get my head around those hairy nipples.



Chelsea: Surprise, baby! You survived the day!



Chelsea: I hope you like this cake, because I doubt you'll make it to the next one!



Alright, Emma Price. William and Cameron's first daughter. She's...a tidy friendly active bitch.

That sounds about right.



Amin: Wow, you city slickers don't have to suck deer?



Amin: I mean, it was murder trying to find an accommodating one.



Amin: If I hear one complaint, you're shitting in the woods with the bears.



Bree Price! She's an even tidier friendly active double bitch.



Bree: .oO(Fuck you!)



Bree: .oO(Stupid cocksucker!)



Why didn't you empty the pot first?

Amin: We're making a poop snowman.



Amin: I'm not sure about this.
Chelsea: That's because you've never tried it.



Chelsea: You're gonna want to take advantage of the master, before she gets all old and grody.



Amin: How are you at log rolling?



Chelsea: Do your worst, relic!



What?

Amin: She's good!



What? WHAT?

Amin: What?



Amin: Hey kid watch it GYAAHHH



Amin: MY HAIR
Bree: MY EYES



Chelsea: If I wanted this, I'd have gotten a dog.



Chelsea: Speaking of which, look who's shedding!



Chelsea: Fuck you! Often.



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH



Okay, okay, I'm fine. I'm fine.



FLASHBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK



Okay now we're talkin'!



Chelsea: Now now, Emma! That's just the radiation poisoning talking.



Yep.

I'm sure this won't ever come up in therapy.



Bree: .oO(Hands!)

Thank god for the developing brain.



Where does a three hundred pound bigfoot live?

Chelsea's house.

What?

It wasn't a joke.



Daisy: Hey! Dogfucker!



Chelsea: You didn't hear that.



Daisy: Well if it isn't Catherine the Great herself! How's your stallion doing?



Daisy: Hilarious, harmless jokes aside, we want to name the Valley after William.



Chelsea: We do?! Wow! I didn't know you could read minds.



Daisy: I mean the me we, not the we we. Yet.
Chelsea: You're offering me a chance to be part of your wee-wee?!



Daisy: I knew there was a reason we aren't friends!



Daisy: Anyway, William's a statesman!
Chelsea: He is? I thought he was the Governman!



Chelsea: I could do this all day!



Chelsea: Look, Billy's got my vote. He's had it almost as long as he's had my virginity!



Chelsea: My crotch was the first burning thing he ever charged into!



Chelsea: But now I'm on antibiotics. Cleared it right up!



Chelsea: Goodbye!



Daisy: Give my regards to Fido.



Amin: GARBAGE DAY



Chelsea: I bet this is how I die.



Chelsea: Hello down there!



Chelsea: So, are you aware that we actually promised to get married last night? I'm kind of having a major giant freakout attack over it.



Amin: Let's not talk about last night.



Amin: My HAIR, Chelsea. My hair.



Chelsea: Yeah, it's not like I'm ever gonna forget that, Amin.



Chelsea: My very own little chest of horrors.

Looks like a big chest from where I'm standing. A big, hairy chest.

Next time: short and sweet and a bit pornographic.

So, everybody's happy.

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Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
lumy12
Jul. 29th, 2017 02:31 am (UTC)
You turned me into a vampire?!
*gigglesnort!*

Poor Bree. Scarred for life... at the same age as every other kid in the valley, if not later!

Really want to catch up soon! I think I can train myself to read these and still pay attention to the ballgame...
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )