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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 289


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


Zomboozles.




If this Sim existed we would all be fucked.



Don: Wow, look who's sleeping on the job!
Brooke: Hahaha, that's... not even a joke, actually.



Don: Don't mind me, just on trial for my life here!
Ember: And yet still I mind you!



Ember: I'm mindful! I'm a mindful person! I'm awake.



Don: I don't know if I'm ready for this.
Ember: Just relax! It'll be easy! As long as you're pleading guilty.



Ember: You grew up well, Donny.
Brooke: That is never not disgusting.



Ember: I'M OVER A HUNDRED YEARS OLD. I knew literally EVERYBODY when they were children.



Joshua: Hey, who's the hot old chick?



Michael: This is my employee, Jewel.
Jewel: I do things for money!
Renée: You know, I kind of figured that.



Chelsea: I grew up with this dude!
Stephen: And yet neither of them grew up!
Dagmar: Hahaha! Neither did all the children he killed.



Abigail: You know, I hear changing your entire appearance is a symptom of a midlife crisis.



Cameron: Says the bob-cut in the space-suit.
Abigail: Oh, I'm nowhere NEAR the middle of MY life yet.



Joshua: Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya dead.



Agatha: Aww, zombies. I'm sad they lost.



Agatha: Eugh, it smells like pop stars under there.



Agatha: STAND UP BITCHES



Agatha: LET ME JUDGE YOU



Don: Is this the part where I plead? 'cuz I can plead real convincingly.



Renée: He seems cool. I bet he had a cool girlfriend in college.



Agatha: You plead "Not Guilty" because otherwise it was a waste of time, my getting out of bed this morning.



Agatha: And you do NOT want to waste MY time, bitches. You! Doofus! You first.



Joshua: Since apparently we don't have a bailiff anymore, the prosecution charges Donald Brutus Macarevich with mortal treason, which is like regular treason except it's a tournament to determine whether or not Outworld can invade us. I think.



Joshua: The court will show that the defendant is an ass, and got most of this county killed.



Joshua: He started the whole "zombie" fad because he's an idiot, and then he ate some children.



Joshua: So yeah, best of luck to you there, princess.



Joshua: Oooh, nice, I'mma steal one of these later.



Joshua: You didn't hear that.



Joshua: Death penalty.



Joshua: The defense is gonna go "oh, it wasn't his fault, he was just too stupid to know what he was doing. The question YOU have to ask yourselves is: do we really need more stupid people, alive?



Joshua: I say we go all William Sharpe on his ass.



Joshua: I mean it ought to be illegal to be a bro. Never mind a zombie bro.



Joshua: We're not the CDC. We don't need to keep a sample of zombie assholes around in case we need to study them! I for one would really like to live in a world that doesn't have zombie assholes walking free in it.



Joshua: Bullet in the brain. Too good for him, really.



Joshua: Unless y'all want to go back to taking your lives in your hands when you walk down the fucking street.



Joshua: 'cuz there's zombie undergrads from hell on every corner!



Joshua: SOMEBODY TELL ME TO STOP TALKING



Agatha: Stop talking!



Joshua: I meant what I said about stealing this, though.



Agatha: Your turn, Sleepy Smurf.



Ember: I've had a hard day.



Ember: Whose trial is this anyway?



Ember: Oh god, Don. We're doing Don. Nobody in their right mind would do Don.



Ember: And he's had to live with that all his life. Poor guy! Cut him some slack.



Ember: His girlfriend died in a dorm fire! Dorm fires are barely even a thing. Talk about your bad luck!



Ember: It's not like he did what he did because he's evil. He did what he did because he's an idiot.



Ember: I mean, just look at him! Just look at what an idiot he is.



Ember: Don't send him to jail! Send him back to school!



Ember: Forever.



Ember: Don Macarevich is not an evil genius. He's not smart enough to be a genius. Or even to be evil.



Ember: I really don't like this dude.



Ember: But that's no reason to ruin his life! Douchebaggery might be annoying but it's not illegal.



Ember: I mean it should be! But it isn't.



Michael: Really giving it her all, isn't she.



Chelsea: I hope I get to testify about how big his dick is.
Stephen: Oh! I remember now! This is the dude from the first actual pic.
Dagmar: I don't know what you're talking about.



Agatha: And I don't fucking care.



Joshua: The court apprehensively calls Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard to the stand. The chair. No, not "the chair," that sounds ominous. But it isn't a stand. Anyway yeah.



Melanie: Calling me to the chair would be a much smarter decision.



Paper delivery person reunion!

It's not great.



Joshua: I'll dick you if we plea bargain!
Ember: Hard pass.



Joshua: So hey, why aren't you dead?



Melanie: Because nobody really dies in comic books.



Melanie: Help my mouth won't open.



Melanie: Go to flashback so it becomes less obvious.



Melanie: Ooh, higher production values! I like it. Anyway yeah I committed suicide for some dumb reason.
Jace Copur: -was just SO CONCERNED GUYS-



Melanie: Anyway apparently that inspired a copycat self-killer.



Melanie: Who accidentally got her much more interesting sister killed as well.



Melanie: That's all hearsay though, so you should be objecting. Anyway next thing I know dumbass Don is calling Grimmy and asking if three thousand bucks is enough to bring back a hot chick. They decided to test it out on me instead.



Melanie: The insult wasn't lost on me, and since it turns out three thousand bucks is exactly enough money to create a ravenous brain-monster, I reacted accordingly.



Melanie: So yeah technically fratboy over there doomed y'all.



Agatha: Three thousand bucks? You thought Sim life was only worth three thousand bucks?
Melanie: Don't assume he thought.



Melanie: If there's one thing I know for sure about Don it's that his brain cells are in perfect, mint-in-box, unfoxed, unused, totally pristine condition.



Melanie: His memory card is empty. Unformatted even.



Melanie: WHY WON'T MY LIPS MOVE



Melanie: THIS IS A REAL PROBLEM



Joshua: Yeah it's freaking me out stop it.



Joshua: So how come you get all the blame when it was Don Mahumbajumba who made you what you are? Were. Are?



Joshua: And why did you team up with him to take over the world? Was it some kind of paper delivery person blood pact?



Joshua: Is that a thing?



Melanie: Don unlocked my true potential. I was a boring character with no characterization before he brought me back as a badass tanktop zombie.



Melanie: I think he deserves a round of applause for kickstarting the only real storyline this story ever had.



Melanie: Death to the living.



Joshua: Maybe we ought to go easy on him. It sounds like he's really crap.



Melanie: I feel like there's a certain threshold of destruction beyond which crapulence is no longer a valid excuse.



Melanie: Good god I want to eat you all.



Melanie: I haven't felt alive since I was dead.



Joshua: Sounds like our man Don is the patron saint of brain-eating! How nice for him.



Melanie: No, that's me. I think of him as more of a Father of Death.



Melanie: What are you doing? What is he doing.



Joshua: Don't even know.



Melanie: Dude! When all your pics turn out like this, you take new pics!



Joshua: Alright red, you try to get her gums flapping.



Ember: I just wanted to say what a big fan I am of how much you ruined my family.



Ember: It's super empowering how you blame all your problems on a man instead of taking responsibility, too.



Ember: You're like a one-woman feminist wave!



Melanie: Hahaha you bitch.



Ember: oh no now my mouth's stuck



Melanie: Looks good on ya.



Ember: So please, o weapon of grey matter destruction, explain to me why we should blame Dr. Frankenstupid instead of the monster.



Ember: Keeping in mind that people still call you Zombie Queen and nobody calls him anything.



Melanie: I'm sorry, I forgot that ignorance of the law is apparently exception from it.



Ember: It's illegal to talk to the Grim Reaper on the phone?



Melanie: SHOULDN'T IT BE?!



Melanie: I mean I did it a bunch of times, and anything I do has got to be evil!



Ember: Just because one person used the death phone to intentionally create zombies doesn't mean every person who uses the death phone does! Oh god that's tenuous.



Melanie: Face it lady. Paperboy fucked the world.



Melanie: He turned me into a monster, and I turned y'all into munchies.



Ember: I've lost interest.



Agatha: Me too.

Me three.

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
lumy12
Apr. 14th, 2018 02:53 pm (UTC)
I say we go all William Sharpe on his ass.

Bwahahaha, much as I love that you said that, Josh, you're too goofy to do an adequate impersonation of the hotness that is William Sharpe.

I was going to say Melanie's lips not moving is a sign of higher intelligence, since she can just telepath it all instead... but then she cured herself! And passed it to Ember! Okay so that was a pretty neat trick. She's still leagues above all the plebes.

I don't remember that pic of Don being a paper boy. How did he make it to adulthood?
gruglysims
May. 11th, 2018 02:15 am (UTC)
Don made it to adulthood because I didn't want to send the Sharpe twins to university without a playable potential dudefriend. I'm not sure if I regret it or not.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )