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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 299


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which fuckin'.




Ember: Come on, kids, we're going to school.
Xavier: Wow, at your age?! Whose class are you in?



Xavier: How come I never see you at recess?

Xavier goes to a school for... "gifted" youngsters.



Wren: 'kay, have fun guys!



I didn't know you were Wonder Woman!

But I should've.



What's that weird language on your license plate?

Ember: Chinese or something, I dunno.



Ember: Oh, hey, they're instituting a mandatory pro-bono quota due to the recent uptick in townie-related court cases.



Ember: Hi! I quit!



Ember: Time to test the ol' lung capacity out.

Oh, you're gonna take up mountain yodelling?



What.



For the record, this was her reaction to the new look.



But I dunno, I kinda hubba hubba.



See? I can't even look directly at her.



Grugly Prime: I'm so sorry for everything.
Ember: You should be.



Ooh, you'll pay for that assessment.



Grugly: I just injected your palm with all the diseases.



Grugly: You looked better before!



Oh, wow. Have we ever visited one of these?

And why would we start.



Impromptu concert!

Ember: In commemoration of the apocalypse. I'm calling it "Dead Aid."



Jizelle: What kind of soopervillein ees zis?!



Brandi: Wow, you're so generous, Captain Hero!
Ember: Um, hello? Putting on a free concert over here?
Brandi: Shut up Bono nobody likes you.



Brandi: Except me!
Ember: Fuckin' compare me to Bono.



Sullivan: Oh ho!
Ember: Did you just call me a ho?
Sullivan: Don't be silly, of course I did.



Daisy: Hey Cap! Fightin' evil?
Jizelle: Eef only.



Asia: I don't like your music, but I'm still getting over the novelty of having money in my pockets!



Dagmar: Vote for me.



Margaret: Oh, oh, play "How Can I Say Goodbye (With Your Cock In My Mouth)," that's my favourite!



Dagmar: Do you think this music is appropriate for a public venue?
Sullivan: Blah blah blah?
Dagmar: Won't someone please think of the children?
Sullivan: Heheheh. Got that one covered, honey...



Sullivan: Get your grubby political hands off me, ugly.



Ember: ♪ He was a LIMP-DICKED FUCKER and I DIDN'T FUCKIN' LIKE 'IM and I HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL because I DIDN'T EVEN ORRRRRRRRRGASM! ♪
Asia: I love classic rock.



Sullivan: Foreigners!
Dagmar: Suck!
Margaret: But they got oil!



Sullivan: Sometimes the houses up on Rich Hill attract foreigners for some reason. They pass out and starve to death.
Dagmar: We should build a wall or something.



Sullivan: Why? Free fertilizer!



Joshua: How much for an autograph?
Daisy: A hundred bucks.
Joshua: Wow, really? For my autograph?! Sold!



Sullivan: Dibs when she's done!
Dagmar: ROSHAMBO YOU FOR IT



Sullivan: Paper!
Dagmar: Rock!
Sullivan: Hahaha you lost with rock ironic.



I GET TO BE MAYOR NOW



Asia: I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SHOOT SNAKES



Dagmar: Thank you for your service, Captain!
Sullivan: More of a fanservice fan, myself.



Sullivan: That's ageist.



Sullivan: Did you see that fat chick?
Daisy: That's... ableist? Or something?
Sullivan: Can you look it up for me? I'm playing prejudice bingo.



Sullivan: Do you know any filthy hobos I can meet?



Ember: I call this "power busking."



Ember: Anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps if their bootstraps are made of gold!



Ember: Mmm, all this taking money from the public has me hankerin' for some lawyer meat.



Sullivan: ♭ I want to be moved by the feelings, I just want to follow the feeling, don't stop me, I can be better, you can go a little bit wilder♭



Joshua: Love the new look.
Ember: I'm thinking of taking up entertainment law.



Joshua: So... aren't you cold?
Ember: What? When I'm this hot?!



Daisy: Down, girl.



Joshua: CELEBRITY FIGHT!
Sullivan: No matter who loses, we win!



Ember: Who won?
Joshua: ...the... actress...?
Daisy: I think this calls for a grade reduction, Captain!



Ember: I live just down the street.
Joshua: I love just down the street!



Sullivan: Aww, I want some enemies!



Joshua: I can't believe you just yanked that out of the garden!
Ember: I've paid taxes in this county for over a century, these gardens are damn well mine.



Daisy: You want to remember who you're dealing with here, "Captain."
Jizelle: Capitan 'ero weel not be eenteemeedaded!
Daisy: Jesus CHRIST. We should have picked an ethnicity you can FAKE.



Ember: Cool, you're gorgeous, can we get going?
Sullivan: I like a woman who doesn't like a man!



Ember: I'mma call you Vanity Plate.



Daisy: Go on, blow your cover and call me out. Let's see how heroic everyone thinks you are when I tell them you're a house thief named "Sandy."
Jizelle: I 'ate you!
Daisy: If you ate me I'd give you the screaming shits.



Dagmar: ♪ Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do! ♪
Ember: I've never heard this before, but it is rockin'!



Jizelle: ♪ Ooooh I'm so hungraaaay ♪



Joshua: I hear you're good at cleaning! I like that in a woman!
Opal: Get a load of this breeder! I can't wait until science makes you obsolete.

Well, good news, actually!



Ember: Did you see Splooge McDuckFace pretending to be a real character? As if!



Ember: I hear she's a dad fucker.



Ember: I hear she fucked some dude's dad.



Ember: Come on, guys! That's no way to work through your sexual tension!
Joshua: Yeah, just fuck already! Right here! Right now.



Daisy: Does "superhero" mean something different in French?



Renée: Bonjour Jizelle! I'm Renée! My name is half French!
Jizelle: I don't know 'oo "Bonjour Jizelle" ees but my name is just Jizelle.



Ember: Can you feel it?
Joshua: It's tingly! Is it carcinogenic?
Ember: Let me know in a few years!



Barenaked Ladies: Oh my god, you play that serial killer on TV!
Daisy: What's "TV"? You mean Netflix?



Barenaked Ladies: You're sooooo hot! You make me want to serial kill!
Daisy: That's all I've ever wanted!



Ember: Stop loosening my straps.
Joshua: Killjoy.



Ember: Is that your penis? Because you seem glad to see me!



Ember: I'm gorgeous.
Barenaked Ladies: She is.



Daisy: You guys mind if I watch?
Joshua: Coming this fall: Celebrity Sidewalk!



Joshua: Oh baby, let me cross-examine you.
Ember: Well, we are before the bench...



Sullivan: And he doesn't know?!
Daisy: Not at ALL!
Sullivan: You're so evil!
Daisy: I KNOW!



Sullivan: Hahaha so many secret villains!
Daisy: Isn't it great?!



Dagmar: Play something Joshua would like.
Opal: ♪ Saint Anger 'round my neck ♪

I don't like Joshua.

Can you tell?



Ember: He has one good point.
Joshua: And it's pointed just for you, baby.



Alvin: Who's the sexy cosplayer?



Ember: Did you see that superhero get her ass kicked?!
Joshua: Yes? I did? You didn't.



Daisy: So I beat up a superhero earlier.
Alvin: I'm fucking your mom.



Opal: Yeah, heterosexuals! Keep flauntin' your insufferable shit in public.



Ember: We should seriously go to my house before the game crashes.



Joshua: Yeah, I'd much rather crash at your place.



Alvin: ♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪



Joshua: ♪ She turnin' all the night-time into the day ♪



Wren: The ground is shaking. The house is shaking?
Xavier: Cool, earthquake!



WHAM WHAM WHAM

Ember: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU



Eww, don't touch that. You know where it's been.



Joshua: Keep climbin' the Joshua Tree, baby!



Ember: These penis names are just too much. I mean, seriously. U2 album names?
Joshua: Actually the penis name came first, Bono stole it from me.
Ember: Man, does anybody like that guy?!



Ember: Oh, hey, people are watching through the window.
Joshua: Yeah, I set up a pay-per-view channel.



Ember: I like a man with foresight.



Ember: Um, what are you doing? I'm not on there anymore.
Joshua: I refuse to let the moment pass.



Joshua: I never should have punched that fortune teller for saying one day I'd fuck an old lady.



Joshua: Ow ow my dick's caught



Joshua: My dick's caught in your pants help



Ember: ...Anthony? Um... hi? I guess?
Anthony: Hey baby, I was just watching pay-per-view and thinking of you.



Wren: Mom's screwing around on dad.
Xavier: Ridiculous, right? A guy can't hang out with his second wife for one lousy day without his first wife taking advantage?



Wren: Soooo... how did you guys first sleep together? I mean, meet?



Wren: How long you gonna freeze that way?
Joshua: It's a defense mechanism.



Ember: FUCKIN' PIANO YEAH



Ember: I'm a good mom.



Joshua: You're a hot momma!



Ember: Shut up, dude.



Ember: I'd like to have another kid.
Joshua: What do those things go for these days, anyhow?



Ember: I mean I'd like to have another kid.
Joshua: You're a pedophile?!



Ember: Relax asshole, I don't want to have your kid.
Joshua: Oh, good, because I don't think I have one.



Ember: FUCK ME YOU INFURIATING BASTARD



Ember: Now get out of my house.



When Fluffy Met Fluffy.



Ember: But no, seriously, get out of my house.



Ember: Welp, you missed your window.



Joshua: But I gained expensive jewellery!



Joshua: It's not culturally meaningful or anything, is it?



Joshua: Oh god oh god
Ember: Oh god I know



Ember: Oh god I'm gonna pass out



Ember: Don't think of it as losing your freedom, Em, think of it as gaining a large penis.



Ember: Nope nope not large enough



Ember: Let me see that ring for a moment? And help me with this window.



Joshua: I have a crazy idea.
Ember: Is it suicide? Because if it is you might be psychic.



Joshua: Let's live together but fuck other people!
Ember: Oh, that was always part of the agreement!



Joshua: I hear that green dude's wife cheated on him!
Ember: But apparently you don't remember who you heard it from.



Ember: Whoops, looks like I have a second True Hobby.



Ember: I re-dub your penis "Roto-Rooter."



Ember: No, wait, that's copyrighted too. Damn my lawyerly instincts!



Joshua: We could just not name my dick.
Ember: This journal didn't get to nearly three hundred chapters by NOT doing running jokes!



Or by not doing endless reams of porn shots.

Ember: I don't like the word "ream" in this context.



Ember: Okay, time for a detailed case study.



Ember: Wait, that's an academia reference. Let's call it a "test case" instead! That's a lawyer reference.



Ember: If my life is going to be a joke, it ought to at least be an on-message joke!



Joshua: My hand is bleeding.



Joshua: Your hair is dangerous.
Ember: My outfit hasn't got any pouches, and a girl needs to carry protectiont these days!



Ember: Wait what is happening.
Joshua: You're putting a-
Ember: WHY AM I PUTTING A



Ember: OH GOD NOW YOU'RE PUTTING A TOO



Ember: Awesome we're married now for some reason.



Ember: Anyway this is what your dick tastes like.



Ember: Cogitate on that for a moment.



Ember: Oh, here comes my daily ten seconds of self-awareness.



Ember: It's always so pesky.



Did you just?

Joshua: Just eat spoiled food? I think you, me, and my furiously-roaring stomach know the answer to that.



Ember: Oh, hey, they're instituting a mandatory free concert quota due to the recent uptick in rockstar salary rates.



Joshua: Hey, I found your cat.



Ember: Man, do we have any of those sucker ring candies in the cupboard? Fuckin' always gives me the munchies.



Joshua: EW CAT WHY



Ember: Wow, we did some serious structural damage to this bed.

And geologic faults in a ten-mile radius!



How did it get so dirty?

Joshua: That cat did not want a bath!



Joshua: Anyway it's dead now.

Next time: the big three-oh-oh!

Bizarrely, it coincides with an important plot milestone.

I'd take credit for that, but you know me too well by now to believe me.

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
lumy12
May. 28th, 2018 03:35 pm (UTC)
An appearance by BareNakedLadies AND Grugly Prime in the same chapter! Neato! And I wonder how the heck you can think about Ember's previous look in a thought bubble. None of my Sims can do that! They're all about the now.

I like RotoRooter. *snerk* Maybe they can transfer the copyright!

D'aww, Ember/Joshua, so cute -- they're going to make such cute freckled babies! Do they still make those sucker ring candies?

The big 3-0-0 coming up, yay! *tosses confetti*
gruglysims
Jun. 6th, 2018 06:58 am (UTC)
I have no idea how the game recalled her previous portrait for that thought bubble. I only know that it wasn't supposed to.

No baby Joshuas. Never.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )