Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
In which fuckin'.
Ember: Come on, kids, we're going to school.
Xavier: Wow, at your age?! Whose class are you in?
Xavier: How come I never see you at recess?
Xavier goes to a school for... "gifted" youngsters.
Wren: 'kay, have fun guys!
I didn't know you were Wonder Woman!
But I should've.
What's that weird language on your license plate?
Ember: Chinese or something, I dunno.
Ember: Oh, hey, they're instituting a mandatory pro-bono quota due to the recent uptick in townie-related court cases.
Ember: Hi! I quit!
Ember: Time to test the ol' lung capacity out.
Oh, you're gonna take up mountain yodelling?
For the record, this was her reaction to the new look.
But I dunno, I kinda hubba hubba.
See? I can't even look directly at her.
Grugly Prime: I'm so sorry for everything.
Ember: You should be.
Ooh, you'll pay for that assessment.
Grugly: I just injected your palm with all the diseases.
Grugly: You looked better before!
Oh, wow. Have we ever visited one of these?
And why would we start.
Ember: In commemoration of the apocalypse. I'm calling it "Dead Aid."
Jizelle: What kind of soopervillein ees zis?!
Brandi: Wow, you're so generous, Captain Hero!
Ember: Um, hello? Putting on a free concert over here?
Brandi: Shut up Bono nobody likes you.
Brandi: Except me!
Ember: Fuckin' compare me to Bono.
Sullivan: Oh ho!
Ember: Did you just call me a ho?
Sullivan: Don't be silly, of course I did.
Daisy: Hey Cap! Fightin' evil?
Jizelle: Eef only.
Asia: I don't like your music, but I'm still getting over the novelty of having money in my pockets!
Dagmar: Vote for me.
Margaret: Oh, oh, play "How Can I Say Goodbye (With Your Cock In My Mouth)," that's my favourite!
Dagmar: Do you think this music is appropriate for a public venue?
Sullivan: Blah blah blah?
Dagmar: Won't someone please think of the children?
Sullivan: Heheheh. Got that one covered, honey...
Sullivan: Get your grubby political hands off me, ugly.
Ember: ♪ He was a LIMP-DICKED FUCKER and I DIDN'T FUCKIN' LIKE 'IM and I HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL because I DIDN'T EVEN ORRRRRRRRRGASM! ♪
Asia: I love classic rock.
Margaret: But they got oil!
Sullivan: Sometimes the houses up on Rich Hill attract foreigners for some reason. They pass out and starve to death.
Dagmar: We should build a wall or something.
Sullivan: Why? Free fertilizer!
Joshua: How much for an autograph?
Daisy: A hundred bucks.
Joshua: Wow, really? For my autograph?! Sold!
Sullivan: Dibs when she's done!
Dagmar: ROSHAMBO YOU FOR IT
Sullivan: Hahaha you lost with rock ironic.
I GET TO BE MAYOR NOW
Asia: I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SHOOT SNAKES
Dagmar: Thank you for your service, Captain!
Sullivan: More of a fanservice fan, myself.
Sullivan: That's ageist.
Sullivan: Did you see that fat chick?
Daisy: That's... ableist? Or something?
Sullivan: Can you look it up for me? I'm playing prejudice bingo.
Sullivan: Do you know any filthy hobos I can meet?
Ember: I call this "power busking."
Ember: Anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps if their bootstraps are made of gold!
Ember: Mmm, all this taking money from the public has me hankerin' for some lawyer meat.
Sullivan: ♭ I want to be moved by the feelings, I just want to follow the feeling, don't stop me, I can be better, you can go a little bit wilder♭
Joshua: Love the new look.
Ember: I'm thinking of taking up entertainment law.
Joshua: So... aren't you cold?
Ember: What? When I'm this hot?!
Daisy: Down, girl.
Joshua: CELEBRITY FIGHT!
Sullivan: No matter who loses, we win!
Ember: Who won?
Joshua: ...the... actress...?
Daisy: I think this calls for a grade reduction, Captain!
Ember: I live just down the street.
Joshua: I love just down the street!
Sullivan: Aww, I want some enemies!
Joshua: I can't believe you just yanked that out of the garden!
Ember: I've paid taxes in this county for over a century, these gardens are damn well mine.
Daisy: You want to remember who you're dealing with here, "Captain."
Jizelle: Capitan 'ero weel not be eenteemeedaded!
Daisy: Jesus CHRIST. We should have picked an ethnicity you can FAKE.
Ember: Cool, you're gorgeous, can we get going?
Sullivan: I like a woman who doesn't like a man!
Ember: I'mma call you Vanity Plate.
Daisy: Go on, blow your cover and call me out. Let's see how heroic everyone thinks you are when I tell them you're a house thief named "Sandy."
Jizelle: I 'ate you!
Daisy: If you ate me I'd give you the screaming shits.
Dagmar: ♪ Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do! ♪
Ember: I've never heard this before, but it is rockin'!
Jizelle: ♪ Ooooh I'm so hungraaaay ♪
Joshua: I hear you're good at cleaning! I like that in a woman!
Opal: Get a load of this breeder! I can't wait until science makes you obsolete.
Well, good news, actually!
Ember: Did you see Splooge McDuckFace pretending to be a real character? As if!
Ember: I hear she's a dad fucker.
Ember: I hear she fucked some dude's dad.
Ember: Come on, guys! That's no way to work through your sexual tension!
Joshua: Yeah, just fuck already! Right here! Right now.
Daisy: Does "superhero" mean something different in French?
Renée: Bonjour Jizelle! I'm Renée! My name is half French!
Jizelle: I don't know 'oo "Bonjour Jizelle" ees but my name is just Jizelle.
Ember: Can you feel it?
Joshua: It's tingly! Is it carcinogenic?
Ember: Let me know in a few years!
Barenaked Ladies: Oh my god, you play that serial killer on TV!
Daisy: What's "TV"? You mean Netflix?
Barenaked Ladies: You're sooooo hot! You make me want to serial kill!
Daisy: That's all I've ever wanted!
Ember: Stop loosening my straps.
Ember: Is that your penis? Because you seem glad to see me!
Ember: I'm gorgeous.
Barenaked Ladies: She is.
Daisy: You guys mind if I watch?
Joshua: Coming this fall: Celebrity Sidewalk!
Joshua: Oh baby, let me cross-examine you.
Ember: Well, we are before the bench...
Sullivan: And he doesn't know?!
Daisy: Not at ALL!
Sullivan: You're so evil!
Daisy: I KNOW!
Sullivan: Hahaha so many secret villains!
Daisy: Isn't it great?!
Dagmar: Play something Joshua would like.
Opal: ♪ Saint Anger 'round my neck ♪
I don't like Joshua.
Can you tell?
Ember: He has one good point.
Joshua: And it's pointed just for you, baby.
Alvin: Who's the sexy cosplayer?
Ember: Did you see that superhero get her ass kicked?!
Joshua: Yes? I did? You didn't.
Daisy: So I beat up a superhero earlier.
Alvin: I'm fucking your mom.
Opal: Yeah, heterosexuals! Keep flauntin' your insufferable shit in public.
Ember: We should seriously go to my house before the game crashes.
Joshua: Yeah, I'd much rather crash at your place.
Alvin: ♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪
Joshua: ♪ She turnin' all the night-time into the day ♪
Wren: The ground is shaking. The house is shaking?
Xavier: Cool, earthquake!
WHAM WHAM WHAM
Eww, don't touch that. You know where it's been.
Joshua: Keep climbin' the Joshua Tree, baby!
Ember: These penis names are just too much. I mean, seriously. U2 album names?
Joshua: Actually the penis name came first, Bono stole it from me.
Ember: Man, does anybody like that guy?!
Ember: Oh, hey, people are watching through the window.
Joshua: Yeah, I set up a pay-per-view channel.
Ember: I like a man with foresight.
Ember: Um, what are you doing? I'm not on there anymore.
Joshua: I refuse to let the moment pass.
Joshua: I never should have punched that fortune teller for saying one day I'd fuck an old lady.
Joshua: Ow ow my dick's caught
Joshua: My dick's caught in your pants help
Ember: ...Anthony? Um... hi? I guess?
Anthony: Hey baby, I was just watching pay-per-view and thinking of you.
Wren: Mom's screwing around on dad.
Xavier: Ridiculous, right? A guy can't hang out with his second wife for one lousy day without his first wife taking advantage?
Wren: Soooo... how did you guys first sleep together? I mean, meet?
Wren: How long you gonna freeze that way?
Joshua: It's a defense mechanism.
Ember: FUCKIN' PIANO YEAH
Ember: I'm a good mom.
Joshua: You're a hot momma!
Ember: Shut up, dude.
Ember: I'd like to have another kid.
Joshua: What do those things go for these days, anyhow?
Ember: I mean I'd like to have another kid.
Joshua: You're a pedophile?!
Ember: Relax asshole, I don't want to have your kid.
Joshua: Oh, good, because I don't think I have one.
Ember: FUCK ME YOU INFURIATING BASTARD
Ember: Now get out of my house.
When Fluffy Met Fluffy.
Ember: But no, seriously, get out of my house.
Ember: Welp, you missed your window.
Joshua: But I gained expensive jewellery!
Joshua: It's not culturally meaningful or anything, is it?
Joshua: Oh god oh god
Ember: Oh god I know
Ember: Oh god I'm gonna pass out
Ember: Don't think of it as losing your freedom, Em, think of it as gaining a large penis.
Ember: Nope nope not large enough
Ember: Let me see that ring for a moment? And help me with this window.
Joshua: I have a crazy idea.
Ember: Is it suicide? Because if it is you might be psychic.
Joshua: Let's live together but fuck other people!
Ember: Oh, that was always part of the agreement!
Joshua: I hear that green dude's wife cheated on him!
Ember: But apparently you don't remember who you heard it from.
Ember: Whoops, looks like I have a second True Hobby.
Ember: I re-dub your penis "Roto-Rooter."
Ember: No, wait, that's copyrighted too. Damn my lawyerly instincts!
Joshua: We could just not name my dick.
Ember: This journal didn't get to nearly three hundred chapters by NOT doing running jokes!
Or by not doing endless reams of porn shots.
Ember: I don't like the word "ream" in this context.
Ember: Okay, time for a detailed case study.
Ember: Wait, that's an academia reference. Let's call it a "test case" instead! That's a lawyer reference.
Ember: If my life is going to be a joke, it ought to at least be an on-message joke!
Joshua: My hand is bleeding.
Joshua: Your hair is dangerous.
Ember: My outfit hasn't got any pouches, and a girl needs to carry protectiont these days!
Ember: Wait what is happening.
Joshua: You're putting a-
Ember: WHY AM I PUTTING A
Ember: OH GOD NOW YOU'RE PUTTING A TOO
Ember: Awesome we're married now for some reason.
Ember: Anyway this is what your dick tastes like.
Ember: Cogitate on that for a moment.
Ember: Oh, here comes my daily ten seconds of self-awareness.
Ember: It's always so pesky.
Did you just?
Joshua: Just eat spoiled food? I think you, me, and my furiously-roaring stomach know the answer to that.
Ember: Oh, hey, they're instituting a mandatory free concert quota due to the recent uptick in rockstar salary rates.
Joshua: Hey, I found your cat.
Ember: Man, do we have any of those sucker ring candies in the cupboard? Fuckin' always gives me the munchies.
Joshua: EW CAT WHY
Ember: Wow, we did some serious structural damage to this bed.
And geologic faults in a ten-mile radius!
How did it get so dirty?
Joshua: That cat did not want a bath!
Joshua: Anyway it's dead now.
Next time: the big three-oh-oh!
Bizarrely, it coincides with an important plot milestone.
I'd take credit for that, but you know me too well by now to believe me.