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Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


Something thickens this way plot.




I choose to believe this is somehow the Chronicles turning three hundred.

It makes more sense than whatever is actually happening.



Daisy: Evil schemes need evil carbs!



Victor: She eats like she's punishing the food.



Daisy: I'm punishing it for deciding to be food.



Nobody is cheating on you. Your husband is dumb and ugly.

Nerissa: William-

William has sex with everyone.

Nerissa: That bastard!



William: I know how to poop, too!



Daisy: Bitches love that!



Daisy: Okay, this fake identity is starting to wear a bit thin.



Daisy: And it's not like I can go out on a higher note than beating up a superhero...



Uma: Who's got a desperate-sounding name? Uhhhh... Kyle! That's a scrawny nerd name if ever I heard one!



Uma: Hi, I'm a naked chick.
Kyle: -ziiiip- I'm listening.



Uma: How many of your friends have vaginas?
Kyle: Honestly they all could, I haven't had the chance to check.



Uma: Let's face it, you've been dead for a long time. I bet you don't have a girlfriend.
Kyle: I do, actually.
Uma: I bet she's ugly, though.
Kyle: She's super hot.
Uma: Uh... I bet...
Kyle: Bet she's taller than me and it makes me really uncomfortable, that's a safe one.



Where are you going?

Daisy: I'm just going.



Daisy: It's so gratifying to be recognized by all the nobodies.



Daisy: The flames were a nice touch.



It's not a filming day.

Daisy: I'm going to get my car modded.

Can you do something about those biohazard rims, then?



Neila: Is this an Animal Control sort of issue, you think?



That didn't take long.

Daisy: It was one of those modifications that doesn't need to look good, it just needs to work.

And here you are... eating mac and cheese again.

Daisy: IT REMINDS ME OF BRAINS AND IT'S HARD TO STOP THINKING LIKE A ZOMBIE WHEN YOU'RE NO LONGER A ZOMBIE, OKAY



William: You taste like powdered cheese.
Daisy: I eat it by the spoonful to mask the smell of all the blood I drink.



William: 'bye Daisy.
Daisy: Goodbye, William.



Either there's a puddle up there or someone needs to coax Uma down stat.



Boo, I liked the jumper option better.



Daisy: NAKED TOWNIE CHICK!



Daisy: This is very exciting.

It is?

Daisy: YOU know what's coming.

Yeah, but I haven't decided if I'm supposed to, narratively-speaking.

Being a character in your own story is complicated.



You're gonna spend this milestone episode at work?

William: I stand a better chance of surviving it there.



Daisy: I hear you're looking for lonely men to sex with!
Uma: ...how did you hear that?
Daisy: I'd try Nathaniel Price-Murphy. Fat dorks are around your speed.



Uma: You know me so well.



Daisy: Check out my car through the window, by the way. I got some hot new features installed and I want to show them off.



And then the devil possessed the ceiling.



Brandi: Hey boss!
Daisy: Hey, cover-blower! Go blow something else.



Daisy: Haha, whoops! Seatbelt would be a bad idea.



Daisy: I wonder if I can expand the radius to take out that ugly mailman.



Uma: No, don't talk, just listen. Your voice is like shredded aluminum on crackers.



Daisy: So hey what's up with your uncle Kyle?! Dude dies lame and comes back laid?!
Nathaniel: It's weirder than that. He died gay and came back bi.
Uma: He should have come back poly.



Uma: I will have sex with you if you give me some genie money.



Still hanging around?

Brandi: I kinda want to see this.

You're the sort of person who stares at an eclipse, aren't you.

Brandi: The sort of person who gets to be president, you mean?

Uuuugh.



Uma: They should have fried your mother.



Uma: They should fry that entire generation.



BOOM



Uma: I'MMA CALL YOU BACK AND EXPLAIN WHY THAT WAS A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS



Ah, there's that good ol' Sim sense of self-preservation!



Brandi: WHY AM I DOING THIS



Your shoes are on fire.

Brandi: Let the motherfuckers burn.



Brandi: I hope you have asbestos skin, honey...



Uma: DAISY'S CAR IS EXPLODING

BOOM

Uma: WHY WOULD SHE WANT THAT FEATURE



Hey, thanks Jordan.



Kacper: Save the moths! SAVE THE MOTHS!



Emmy: I thought firemen were supposed to be hot.
Jordan: Put the suit on for five minutes and you'll see.



Jordan: Yeah, yeah, calm your exposed tits.



Nerissa: What happened?
Uma: Daisy exploded.
Nerissa: Talk about biofuel, huh? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.



Kacper: We did all we could.
Jordan: We saved the sidewalk.
Kacper: We're heroes, basically!



Keep it up, Brandi. I've killed you before, I'll kill you again.



Oh, good. She's over there by the can, in the white dress. Use your strongest stuff.



Andrea: Eww, bugs!

Your mom's dead, too.

Andrea: Let me process the bugs first, okay? I'm twelve or something.



Andrea: Oh god, I barfed a flamingo.
Neila: It's my best friend!
Victor: I'm lifting it with my mind!



Neila: Oh god, I ate the barfed flamingo.



Uma: I should scrub his wife's ashes off my skin before he gets home.



It's just a tree, dude.

Victor: Sorry, my eyes physically force themselves away from boring things that happen.

I feel that way about sports too, yeah.



William: Oh, good, you came!
Arcadia: I'm in SCIA custody for being a domestic terrorist. I don't exactly get to set my own itinerary.



William: Okay, now I know ENTROPY hired you to kill me, but I think you'll find the SCIA has better uses for your talents.
Arcadia: Toppling foreign governments, spying on dictators, that sort of thing?
William: What? No! We mostly fight criminals and zombies here in Clover County.
Arcadia: ...wait, you can operate on home soil? Shouldn't that be, like... the... SFBI or something?
William: Don't make shit up.



Arcadia: So you're gonna train me to be a super soldier?
William: I like that choice of words, it leaves me the option of experimenting on you!



William: Alright, supposedly every good secret agent needs to be an expert sword fighter.
Arcadia: How often do you have to fight swords?
William: I see you're already at advanced level in clever on-the-fly quips, that's good.



William: Um what



Arcadia: Distraction!
William: I'm used to seeing stars, lady, I'm a senior citizen.



Arcadia: Guess I lose this round.
William: Sorry, we train to the death. You're gonna have to reload a save or something.



William: Just kidding.



Arcadia: You're pretty fly, for an old guy!
William: And you're less bland than most townies!



William: Funny story! There's a cow stalking my family.



Arcadia: It's not the cow that's supposed to be in jail, for murder, is it?

...shit.

It is.



Arcadia: Do all secret agents need to learn how to dance?
William: Oh, we're not dancing. I'm groping you.



Barenaked Ladies: They need, like, a TV in here or something.
Anthony: Maybe a square-dancing stage.
Stephen: Some cyanide caplets.



William: How are you managing a concealed carry in tight jeans and a see-through top?
Arcadia: I'm a sword-swallower.



William: I'll have to let you try swallowing my sword sometime.



William: You've got something in your teeth, let me get that for you.



Arcadia: How are you so freaking flexible?!
William: I'll give you a hint: the margin notes in my copy of the Kama Sutra have a higher word count than the text itself.



Arcadia: So far my training has consisted of losing to you in various embarassing ways.
William: That's most people's experience of life around here.



Arcadia: CLANG! Crossed swords!
William: Crossed swords are pointless. Nobody's blocking anything.
Arcadia: It's symbolic.
William: Yeah, pointless, that's what I said.



What could POSSIBLY.



Arcadia: Okay, this is too difficult.
William: We could move on to assault rifle duels, but the margin for error is a lot lower.



Arcadia: Why don't we work on interrogation techniques instead?



William: I thought you'd never ask.



William: Welcome to the agency.
Arcadia: It feels like an escort agency.



Arcadia: I'm making a joke about you hiring me to satisfy your libido.
William: I'm sorry you think it's a joke.



William: Oops, must have fallen out of my pocket earlier.

You have tombstones in your inventory?

William: Only like a dozen.



William: All the info is chiselled out and it just says "Daisy" on it.



William: Totally falling for this.



William: I WAS GONE FOR LIKE AN HOUR



William: It was good of whoever rigged it to blow to put it up on blocks first.



William: Hey little man, checking out your first crime scene? Chip off the ol' block.



William: Looks like it's just you and me and Ceiling Satan now.



I like how Maxis conflated "playful" and "insane."



Somebody blew Daisy up. Did you blow Daisy up?

Jizelle: Oui, it was moi, een ze long storied tradition of French suicide bombairs.



William: So, anything unusual happen today?



Uma: I dunno if exploding wives are unusual by your standards...



William: I'm just asking-
Uma: I DIDN'T KILL YOUR WIFE
William: Of course you didn't! That's, like, five levels of interesting beyond where you're at!



Uma: IF PEOPLE ARE KILLING YOUR FAMILY I DON'T WANT TO LIVE HERE
William: IF PEOPLE ARE KILLING MY FAMILY YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE TO LIVE HERE LONG



Uma: I was trying to seduce a dude on the phone when your wife blew up! Do you have any idea what a turn-off it is to hear a Sim sizzle to death on a land line?!



William: WHY DO WE LET TOWNIES MOVE IN WITH US

I've got nothin', man.



William: I should have known better than to get involved with a cashier. When was the last time your life was materially improved by a cashier.



Uma: Hahaha yeah you really fucked up there.



William: MY WIFE IS GONE AND NOW ALL I HAVE IS A CASHIER



William: And also my wife thinks I'm gullible.



William: And also my house needs defensive turrets.



William: "Kitty." It says "Kitty" under there. She didn't even respect me enough to chisel properly.



What?

William: Daisy has a dark secret, doesn't she.

So dark the con of William.



William: I'm pretty sure our marriage vows explicitly forbade dark secrets.



William: And butt stuff.



William: Full dark, no stars, perfect time to screw around with an IED.



SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

William: Man, this bomb does not know when to quit!



FPOOF



FCRASH



William: That's some lumpy-ass pavement there.



William: Oh look, Daisy wants me to think she's dead.



William: She couldn't even get a fake tombstone made up?

Maybe she's trying to show you that she's the one who killed Kitty.

William: I don't remember Kitty, and I never forget a pussy.



William: This is the weirdest Dear John letter ever.



William: Man, those identical piles of garbage are identically gross.



William: Why do fake deaths always have to be so expensive?



William: UMA! Come tell me what Daisy wanted you to see.



Uma: That's a much better idea than arguing in the bathroom.



Uma: Good news! I'm your new wife.



William: Cut the crap and tell me what happened.
Uma: What happened was crap. If I cut that I'm just left narrating my phone call to you.



Uma: I was trying to seduce a fat dude when your wife blew up.
William: Probably unrelated.



Uma: She told me to watch because she had some cool new features installed in her car, but when she went to show me, coincidentally, a bomb went off!
William: I respect your gullibility.



Uma: Who would want to hurt Daisy?
William: Daisy.
Uma: No, but, who do you think put the bomb there?
William: Daisy.
Uma: Are you singing that song or something? Because I'm not dressed for bicycle riding.



Uma: Anyway are you not listening? The car went BOOM. No-one could have survived that!
William: I'm sure it was meant to look that way.
Uma: What, did she, like, teleport out of the car before it exploded?
William: Yes.
Uma: I'm gullible but you're nuts.



Uma: I could feel the heat from inside the house. Your wife is wife flambé, dude. I'm sorry.



William: I've never been broken up with via explosion before.



Uma: I think you're in denial, dude.
William: No I'm not!



William: So if you're home all day...
Uma: My ex-lovers aren't kicking the can, dude.
William: Nice choice of words, Uma. Not too soon at all.



Where were you two?

Andrea: Best friending.

That's not a place.

Andrea: Spoken like someone who's never best friended!



William Jr.: BOOM
William: What does the mom say!



Uma: Ugh, this is beneath me.

Yeah, if they were above you they'd be terrifying.



Uma: You think you're clever but you're not.



DEATH PENALTY



William: My back is giving out, help.



William: I think we both need someone to teach us how to walk.



PASS.



Uma: Hi, I'm-

PASS

Uma: What's your-

PASS



PASS PASS PASS



Uma: God doesn't like you.
Tyler: I've always suspected.



Nerissa: Hey, yeah! Pickin' up the can! I totally approve of that. Just came by to... tell you.



William: Come on kiddo, bring that sweet sweet radiation on home to poppa.



Victor: Do you think Daisy's gonna stay dead?
Neila: We're trying to have a nice family moment here, Vic.
Andrea: I hope she comes back. I miss her already.
Neila: WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A NICE FAMILY MOMENT HERE ANDREA NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR DEAD MOM



Victor: ...
Andrea: ...
Neila: WELL I CAN'T TAKE IT BACK NOW CAN I



William: Now you can practice chasing the ladies!



William: But not my ladies, they're mine.



William: Except this one, I don't need this one.



William: Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty.



Kitty: Avenge me?
William: Kitty litter.



Kitty: What is happening.



William: What day is Spectral Trash Pickup?



William: I've had a hard penis. I mean a hard day. Come over? And have my hard penis?



Arcadia: It smells like explosions here.
William: Bad ass, right?



William: One of my neighbours is an orphan. Loser!



William: He's wasting his life. Funny!



William: His sister eats dog food. Child services!



William: His mom died.



William: His dad died.



Arcadia: Will this be on the test?



UMA.



Arcadia: These lessons are my favourite lessons.



William: I'm gonna teach you advanced interrogation tonight.
Arcadia: I brought a change of clothes.





Arcadia: That was your other dead wife's ghost. She said to say "hi."



William: It's been a strange day.



Arcadia: It's like a party in my genitals and André the Giant is invited!



Arcadia: Hello? You there, big boy?



Arcadia: There he is!
William: Sorry, when you've had as much sex as I've had your mind tends to wander.



William: Between Captain Sparkles and me you have at least one fully undivided attention.



t'haiccseimdsial:weaiinaetattt'strsh



William: I'm losing my fucking mind.



Arcadia: I'm losing my mind fucking!



Looking for anything in particular?

Jizelle: Zooperheroes gonna zoop!



William: So I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.
Arcadia: Unless it's telling you to climb back on I suggest you ignore it.



Just a thousand?

William: Diminishing returns.



Arcadia: I don't feel like we're really connecting.

You looked pretty connected, from what I could see.



FPOOF



Arcadia: Is this where you slept with your wife?
William: Among other people. Among lots of other people.



William: About a dozen, to date.
Arcadia: You've had sex with a dozen people?!
William: On this bed, I mean!



William: But I was only half-crazy for one of them.



...lovely night for a jog...?



Penny: Aw hail.



Penny: Hail no!



Penny: Let's get the hail outta here!



Penny: I'M OUT OF JOKES MAKE IT STOP



Why?

Arcadia: Why not?



Arcadia: I'm reinventing myself!
William: Reinvent yourself to bed, woman, it's like three in the morning.



Brandi: IT'S ALMOST LIKE NOBODY SHOULD BE OUT HERE RIGHT NOW



William: Stick with me, baby, and we'll save the world! One international incident at a time.



William: The best part is we get to kill without repercussions!



WHY ARE YOU STILL



William: OH OH BABY WHAT'S HAPPENING



aecciidr'ett'tmineathhtilsitassswa:



Arcadia: You can't cheat on a dead person, William.
William: I felt like she was watching me.
Arcadia: I guess that's sweet?
William: You think so? Try it some time.



William: Also I'm having these weird acid flashbacks.
Arcadia: I didn't know you did acid.
William: I didn't either.



William: Let's see if we can replicate it.



Arcadia: Any luck?
William: Nope. Guess I've hit my scrambled revelations quota for this chapter.



I don't know what to say about this, but I feel compelled to share it.



William: So hey, funny story: that kid was Daisy's, so I'm not sure why I let her live here now.



William: I guess it's mean to kick out an orphan? I mean, I guess.



William: Especially with all the child predators around here.



Arcadia: From an evolutionary perspective child predation makes sense. I mean, look at that stupid thing. It's like a barely-mobile calorie pack!

Child predators don't eat children, Arcadia.

Arcadia: What do they do, then?

They make really shitty joke material, is what they do.



William: I wish I knew if it was her move or my move.

It's always her move.

Next time: uh... I don't really see anything happening, actually.

Oh, and I'm not doing recaps anymore.

I discovered that an equally-effective way to find out what happened in the last hundred chapters is to read the last hundred chapters.

You lazy shits.

I love you.

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Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
lumy12
May. 30th, 2018 06:11 am (UTC)
Happy 300th! w00t w00t! ...someone aging up into a cowhead with a normal body really kinda doesn't make sense, yeah... very fitting for your glitchy game to do it now :)

Ooooooo I wonder how/when Daisy will come back -- what a way to ditch your life! And William, ever the sensitive one. *snicker* Hard day, hard penis... Uma is way cuter than Arcadia, though. Just sayin'.

Kicking the can. Ha! I like all the punniness. Like the hail... why WERE all those people lingering outside at night... like someone made a regrettable genie wish! Hmmmmm.

Who has time to reread all the dang chapters?? ...I still want to some time, though. Doing like a chapter a day would still take less than a year :D We love you too! Thanks for the bedtime reading. Past bedtime but I can't sleep :(

I actually played my game yesterday, first time in a while -- in the neighborhood where your Sims live! I started a new household. Andrew and Daisy were part of the welcome wagon. They got into a fight and fell out of love but then ended up crushing again later on. See, the drama follows them even outside of Sharpesvale!
gruglysims
Jun. 6th, 2018 07:00 am (UTC)
Some of the hail people's presence will eventually make sense, oddly enough.

I'm glad my Sims are at least partly crazy without my craziness controlling them.

Thanks for the constant readership :D
lumy12
Jun. 9th, 2018 12:20 am (UTC)
Even when I'm gone for years I do catch up! Bwah!
Eh, I'm only like 5 behind right now I think. Will catch up over the weekend I'm sure.
zombifruffles
May. 30th, 2018 04:20 pm (UTC)
Hail yeah! Chapter 300!!! And with plot! I cant wait to see what "Daisy" does next. I want to see her whole devilish plan come together - she finally got the Sharpe name plus her incest baby, whats she gonna do with it now?~ Excited xD Its like a soap opera but actually interesting

Yeah skip the recap episode - re-reading is more fun haha

And sweet baby jesus Arcadia, put a wig on that cue ball. Im surprised William wasnt having flashbacks of his dad while he was cheating on his "dead" wife.

gruglysims
Jun. 6th, 2018 07:01 am (UTC)
Daisy's next plan unfolds at a much less languorous pace.

There'll be plenty of Neil flashbacks to come.

Thanks for sharing the milestone with me :D
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )