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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 316


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


Yesterday I compressed my Downloads folder.

Today my game only takes eighteen minutes to load instead of forty.

Yes, "only" eighteen minutes.




Alvin: My hand smells funny in the morning.



It's not the only thing that's gone funny.



There's something seriously wrong with these kids. This one is making a bed. What the fuck.



Ivy: I'm breaking it the way that burglar broke my soul.



Ivy: I'm gonna use that as an excuse for a lot of bad behaviour in the coming years.



Ivy: Childhood trauma is worth replacing at least a dozen boxsprings.



Ivy: Mwahaha mileage.



You'll just have to trust me that she's evil.



Only an evil child jumps on multiple beds.



I'd be mad if I busted in on that too.



Alvin: Roof's off the shed.

Get used to it.



Jeeesus.



Ivy: DESPAIR!



Ichelle: Roof's off the-

YEAH I KNOW



Alvin: Mmm...

Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?

Alvin: ROOF'S OFF THE SHED

SON OF A BITCH



Ichelle: It really turns me on how that shed has no roof.



Alvin: That's kinda weird.



Alvin: Which is kinda hot.



Alvin: What? Is my fly undone?



Kelsey: Found another fish in the sea, did you?
Alvin: I'm a scientist. Metaphors go right over my comprehension.



Alvin: I'm not going to sock you with a boxing glove.



Alvin: And I'm not a greaser.

Important details for a dating profile.



Tickling women is fine, as long as they want to be tickled.

Ichelle: I wouldn't normally, but I'm feeling really uninhibited today.

Why's that?

Ichelle: Because the roof-

Oh, fuck you.



Alvin: And yet he still won't put it up.

Because this is SIX YEARS IN THE PAST.



Ichelle: You're a time traveller?

No, you're a relic.



Ivy: Why did they make you look like me? You're not my real sister.
Kelsey: Why aren't you flattered?
Ivy: Would you be flattered if you saw an uglier version of yourself running around?
Kelsey: Yes!



Ivy: You're an idiot.
Kelsey: I copied that from you too.



Alvin: There's an urn full of burglar ashes on top of my fridge, just FYI.



Alvin: Ashes make me think of death make me think of Sullivan.



Alvin: Sullivan should be in jail.



Ichelle: I don't know who that is but he sounds scary.



Kelsey: Who's the chick?
Alvin: I dunno, do townies even have names?



Kelsey: I love your impression of how that burglar died.



Somebody dropped you off a poker table?

Alvin: That's impossible, I've never been on a poker table!



Alvin: Oh, you meant...

Yeah.

Alvin: Yeah, sorry.



Alvin: I need a new wife.

Hit some random numbers.



Alvin: Jewel, huh? Sounds like a porn star. You'll do.



Kelsey: Shit party!
Ivy: No?



Ivy: ...maybe.



Don't encourage him.



Or him.



Alvin: Your tits remind me of that burglar I killed.



Jewel: How are you making it burn like that? It's neat.



Jewel: Who's this random crying kid? She sounds stupid.



Ivy: Stupid sad!



Alvin: So you got promoted to playable, huh?
Jewel: Sort of. I was a custom NPC to begin with.
Alvin: I was an expansion NPC myself.
Jewel: Not one of those assholes who used to call you on the phone every time you took a shit to be like "HEY I HEARD YOU'RE LEARNING ABOUT NATURE" or break into your house to give you a plaque for the gaming hobby because you had a dream about checkers, right?
Alvin: ...let's change the subject.



Ivy: LET'S CHANGE YOUR FACE



Jewel: Your daughter seems upset.
Alvin: From this distance I can't even tell if she's my real daughter.



Alvin: So fuck it.



Jewel: As long as "it" is you.



Ivy: YEAH FUCK YOU



Alvin: Wanna go some place less crying babies?



Ivy: Maybe she'll die like the burglar!



Alvin: You'd better be worth daughter hate.



Alvin: I'm a secret agent. I can send you to jail if you're not worth daughter hate.



Yes! Wear different outfits so I can tell you apart.



At least when I add different heights to the game later on, these stupid kissing pics get more interesting because I have to maneuver the Sims around so their lips touch.



Jewel: Please don't drop me down the stairs.



Ivy: PLEASE DROP HER DOWN THE STAIRS



Alvin: Wow, your muscles are really tense!
Jewel: Screaming children do that to a girl.



Alvin: Maybe we could drop her off the balcony.



Right?



Wait a second.

This is Ivy.

...

It's been Kelsey crying.

...

Actually I guess that makes sense, Alvin's technically married to her mother.

I'm not going back and fixing the captions.



Ivy: And that's why paying attention is important.



Ivy: I can see where this is going and I want no part of it.



Alvin: I LOVE THIS PART



Real subtle, guys.



Alvin: OH BABY DO A CHEER
Jewel: ALVIN ALVIN HE'S OUR MAN



Jewel: If he can't do me, I'll find someone else!
Alvin: Ahaha.



Jewel: Good thing she's a deep sleeper.



Alvin: Oh, she's not.



Kelsey: I'm finding it hard not to take this personally.



Kelsey: You monster.



Jewel: Well, that was... different.



Jewel: Not different bad, though!



Jewel: I'm not a cheerleader anymore.
Alvin: Still gonna tell folks I fucked one.



Jewel: A hot one. Tell them that too.



Jewel: Something wrong with your side of the bed?



Alvin: Man, still smells funny.



Jewel: Don't want to know.



Alvin: Honey, I fucked a cheerleader!
Ivy: TMI, dad. TMI.



Good, it was Ivy this time.



Jewel: See you around, buddy.
Alvin: Yes, because the world is round! Science.



Jewel: ...right on.

Next time: hmm, it's a little fuzzy, actually.

A lot fuzzy, even.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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