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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 322


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which plots progress marginally.





I don't think I've ever sent anyone here without immediately sending them away again.



Victor: My chick detector is going crazy!



Victor: Actually never mind. Something about that chick seems off.

You have no idea.



Andrea: Wow, that big, huh?



Victor: Right now, yes.



Andrea: What are you doing?
Victor: Being sexy?
Andrea: You figure?



Andrea: It's cute that you think you know what you're doing.



None of this is cute.



Andrea: This place sucks.

And yet somehow I keep forgetting that.



Andrea: I'm gonna buy it and turn it into a cockfighting ring.



Victor: I've never heard of cockfighting. Is that how gay men compete for mates?



Every town has at least one totally generic restaurant that nobody even thinks about anymore.



Andrea: I'm not used to my hands being this big.



Andrea: Feel how big my hands are.



Victor: Feels pretty big!



Victor: Your evil face is very hot.



Harry Potter: Got a new movie coming out, go see it.



This family is a trainwreck.

And the train is carrying chemical weapons.



Oliver: YOU SUCK OLD MAN
Opal: YOU'RE TOO GOOD YOUNG MAN



Dagmar: Explain to me why I had to move out after marrying you?
Stephen: It's the only way we'll stay married.



Andrea: I like my privilege.

It's insidious that way.



Andrea: Sorry everyone else! Born rich, stay rich.



Andrea: That's in the English lyrics to one of the songs in this game.
Victor: You're boring the fuck out of me.



Victor: But not as much as everyone else is.



Victor: Our skintones are really similar.
Andrea: Identical, you mean.
Victor: No, because that has implications.



Victor: Wait, she's not related to me, is she?
Andrea: What if I am? We can make it work!



Andrea: Or maybe you're wishing you could be dating one of those fascinating individuals.



Victor: I choose not to pursue my suspicions further.



Andrea: It's a storied family tradition!



Victor: Yeah baby, kiss my shirt.



Victor: Wow, these hair fibres are like iron!
Andrea: I've been thinking of sharpening them for self-defense.



These are your teens on incest.



Victor: I didn't catch that last caption.
Andrea: And I'm pretending.



Victor: Are we allowed back here?
Angelica: Who's gonna stop us? The NPCs? Ahahahaha.



Angelica: They people?
Victor: Naw bitch, you right.



Victor: We just demoralized the slaves.
Andrea: Crack that whip!



Victor: I don't know what to do after this part.



Andrea: That's okay, cluelessness is your gender standard.



Andrea: We've got enough hearts here to sell a few.



Good choice, past self. Let's not get a good look at the cousin-to-cousin lip-lock.



Dammit past self...



Oliver: It's catching on!



Andrea: Kissing is icky.



Andrea: But it's supposedly cool, so don't stop.



Victor: Whose bacteria do you think are winning the battle?
Andrea: As long as a lot of them die, I don't care.



Victor: I like your attitude.



Dimorphism by fashion.



Victor: Wow, you have really nice... outfits.



These heart attacks hurt my heart.



Why do I get the feeling you're not completely innocent?

Andrea: My genetics? My upbringing?



William: This is the story of Captain Sparkles.
William Jr.: I've been dreading this.



Victor: What's for dinner?
Neila: Money.



Neila: Congrats on being such good friends, guys!
Andrea: Such good friends.



WHUMP

Andrea: I need to hire someone to take these hits for me.



Neila: And I need to put Will out of your immediate vicinity.



Neila: And also he's filthy.
William Jr.: Dad's fault.



Neila: I meant physically filthy.
William Jr.: Yeah, he rolled me in dirt. Said it was character-building.



The fuck is this money you're all getting?



Victor: She didn't get it.
Uma: I set trends, I don't follow them.



Clearly I saw the last shot and realized Uma's legs were just clipping through the tablecloth, so I took this one to compensate.

But past self really let me down earlier, so I'm going to embarass him as much as possible.



Those dudes seem really into you.

Andrea: That's because I nailed them to the wall.

Important relationship tip!



FZZT

Aurora: Dammit, not another one.



Aurora: In other news I'm perfect now.



Neila: I like you a lot better when you don't smell like basement.



Victor: Want to celebrate my teenhood?
Uma: I'm like a hundred.



Uma: Psst.
Victor: What?
Uma: Mortar and pestle.



Victor: Who the fuck is that?
Aurora: I'm a secret agent.
Uma: You're a smelly agent.



Uma: Thought of that all by myself.



Neila: Oh no! Victor's cheating on Andrea!

So?

Neila: So I'm really attached to Andrea for some reason!

Like there's a connection you can't put your finger on?

Neila: Yes!

Well, if you do put your finger on it, put Victor's finger on it too.



Neila: That was phrased like a gross thing.

Most things I type are.



Victor: More hearts!
Uma: The minds will follow.



Ah, we've entered the era where I buy decorative shit based on interests and personalities.

That's the era where it becomes okay to start posting your stories on the internet.

Chapter 322, folks.



Victor: I'm having a hard time concentrating with all this stupid shit perpetually hanging over our heads.



Uma: What if he turned it off?
Victor: Don't be ridiculous! If there was a cheat for that he'd have used it already!

Yeahhhh...



Victor: So I kissed Andrea today.
Uma: Good on ya.
Victor: It was wet and gross.



Uma: Hot, right?!



Uma: Remember that feeling for when you have sex.



Victor: I'm sixteen.



Uma: Time'll fix that.



Uma: It'll break most other things, though.



Uma: I've been a teen for a hundred years, Victor.
Victor: So you're saying-
Uma: Yes. I'm saying I'm an expert at hormonal raging.



Victor: Tell me more.



Uma: I'm chemically two hundred thousand percent female.



Victor: Wow, yeah! I can feel my hands getting softer just touching you!



Uma: Oh, that's all the lube, actually.
Victor: Lube?
Uma: I accidentally squashed a bottle in bed, and I haven't had time to wash the sheets.



Victor continues his quest to display all the hearts in the game.



Aurora: How come I earn my keep like a good soldier and she gets to play pool?

Because she is useless.

Uma: Sad but true!



Victor: I dunno, I think she has her uses.

Aww, you made it sound misogynistic.

Victor: We know you only intended it as misanthropic.



Uma: The best "mis."



Uma: Don't make a joke about how I'm the best "miss."
Victor: She saves me from bad jokes! She's a miracle.

A drunkard's dream if I ever did see one.



Uma: Wait'll you see what I can do with my tongue.



You know your neighbourhood is fucked up when you can have a teen and an adult in a relationship because they're actually the same age but two teens kissing is skeevy because one of them is five times older.

Uma: Only five? You wish.



DON'T GET ANY IDEAS.



Neila: Ideas?

DON'T ASK.



Neila: You're awfully yelly all of a sudden.

I've had to let characters do terrible things out of ignorance, rather than interfere in their lives illogically.

Neila: That's parenthood for ya!



You're a poor Melanie replacement at best.

You're no Daisy replacement.

William: Mff... Daisy...



ricimhttie'saia:scadsheitaltsw'ttne

William: ...?!



WHUMP

Andrea: Good morning to you, too!



I know the point is belaboured but this is basically what being rich is like.



Uma: Stand still and prepare your anus.



Victoria: INCOMING!



Anthony has nerves of steel.

Anthony: Or no self-worth.

One or the other.



Uma: Did that picture talk just now?

They do that occasionally, when the joke seems worth it.



Neila: LET ME FIX YOU

Also a good metaphor for parenthood.

And a depressing metaphor for religious parents with gay children.



Andrea: He's doing that liberal thing again.
William: He's a millennial, give him a few minutes and he'll forget.



William: ...

Forgot what you came in here for, didn't you?

William: Old age is such a treasure.



William: So hey, what's up kiddo?
Andrea: I don't have your lube, Uma does.



Andrea: So I think I'm dating your son?
William: I really hope you mean Victor.



William: Your mother would have been proud.
Andrea: My mother put me in a two-by-three basement oubliette in the wall I could only enter or exit by teleporting.



Andrea: Incidentally she did tend to create basement oubliettes.
William: What did she keep inside them?
Andrea: Does it matter?



:s'asieatleidishctntmeawcttritas'ih



William: My acid flashbacks certainly think it does.



Andrea: Okay, well, BAM. You know how to teleport now. Go check it out!
William: Is this a trick to get me embedded in a wall or something?
Andrea: My mother taught me never to go for the short-term trick when it precludes any long-term tricks.



Andrea: Happy revelating!



I'm surprised Neil never taught you how to teleport.

William: Dad only taught me how to ruin marriages.



William: And marry serial killers, which I've only done once.

That you're aware of.

William: What?



William: ...

YOU'LL FIND OUT IN A FEW CHAPTERS



Anthony: Oh good, we're dust-bombing now?



William: Weird. I can sense... an opening? Ahead of me.

And this is how he becomes King of the Gopher People.



William: Hmm. Whatever was in here, isn't in here anymore.

I'm sure it was nothing nefarious.



tiniseliasesa'wtaethtmicecr'attdsh

William: My new plot tumour disagrees, apparently.



William: I guess I knew Daisy had some sort of terrible secret.

It's the only way to keep me from getting bored and killing you in this neighbourhood.



Victor: Telekinesis!



I think I recoloured that outfit myself.

Neila: Stalker.



Andrea: Are you stashing that poop somewhere?
Anthony: WHAT NO WHY



Andrea: Thanks for enabling our lazy, slobby ways, Anthony!
Anthony: I'm putting all my wages towards funding the revolution.



Yes, Sunny. Steal the newspaper. Nothing could be more valuable!



Victor: Capital gains are weird in this universe.

They're weird in any-

Victor: HE SAID YOU'D FORGET



Victor: Hey! This is the same bus I took to grade school!
Berjes: We hose the seats down between trips, at least.



William: PLEASE MAKE THIS-



saleie'a'thccetdtssrsnwiiatiitmtha



William: -stop.

Next time: more Murphy nonsense.

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
lumy12
Aug. 4th, 2018 06:47 pm (UTC)
All will be revealed in a few chapters? Yesssss! ...okay, maybe not all...

Hehe, Captain Sparkles story! Junior has a lot to live up to.

Admit it, the incest is growing on you...

Kudos to you -- I can't be arsed to buy decorative shit based on the individual Sims. My poor Sims decorate only with shit they buy randomly on business lots :)
gruglysims
Aug. 12th, 2018 08:28 am (UTC)
The incest can go to hell.

I get the bug to properly decorate my houses very infrequently. It's particularly bad in Generation 3, where I have something like three hundred playables across several dozens of houses.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )