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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 332


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


Powering through to the end of a thoroughly shitty year.

Not that I expect 2019 to be fantastic, mind.




The... the "Sharpe Family"? In what sense?

Neil: I like to think of all my prisoners as family members. And all my family members as prisoners!

AAAAAAAAGH TALKING TITLE CARD



AAAAAAAAGH CONSEQUENCES



AAAAAAAAGH PANDERING



Elle: AAAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAGH



Bernard: Hahaha funny losers.



Faith: Don said he's sorry for snapping at you.



Don: That's not what I said.
Yvonne: Aww, too slow. Perv.



Don: That's what you think.



Don: I ate so many people.
Cameron: He did! Sorta not really.



Don: I think this was one of them? They all kinda blur together.



Cameron: I miss those days.
Don: I miss all days.



Don: I won't be missing these days, though, assuming they ever end.
Cameron: Maybe you should do something to make them missable.



Yvonne: WHERE'S THE REHABILITATIVE ASPECT
Faith: Not even fictional prisons have that.



Faith: I hope you brought lots of ideas for passing the next FOREVER YEARS.



Yvonne: I'm gonna FIGHT DON.



Faith: I'm gonna fuck Don.
Don: Yes please?
Cameron: YOUR SISTER IS A RAT-FUCK



Don: Get that shit out of my face.



Don: Oh! Shit! I was talking to the big blue wall blob.
Yvonne: Don't talk about my sister that way!



Cameron: I was NOT shipping this!



Cameron: We need to get another dude arrested.



Cameron: Because I'm not going gay for any of these people.



Faith: Human contact! How novel!



Don: You think exterior contact is good...



Cameron: You cannot be serious.



Faith: I seriously think he is.



Bambi pambi!

Bambi: That was worth saying out loud.



Neil: Nothing is worth anything.

You don't know shit. You're only in 2012.

My mother was still alive. And so was democracy.



Don: Maybe Neil will go on a date with you, Cam.
Cameron: Fuck you, Don.
Faith: I volunteer!



Cameron: Not funny.



Cameron: Where are you going?
Don: To where it doesn't smell like feet.



Don: We're making with the out.



Faith: I didn't even know there was a courtyard.
Don: And nobody uses it, because there are no interactable objects to draw them!



Don: Except wait, here's one!
Faith: Objectify me, baby.



Elle: Your man and that chick are smooching.
Cameron: He's not my man, and shut up.



Ally: Morning, Governor!
Neil: That sounds like it should have a British accent attached.



Ally: This thing I'm doing here? I hate that I'm doing it.



Great. What did I do? Try to delete a Sim with their own inventory panel?



Cameron: Great, I get to go through this twice.



Don: We've been given a chance to do things differently!
Cameron: Except only after we're already in jail.
Don: Fate's a bitch.



Don: Gina's a hot bitch!
Gina: I'd argue, but I am in jail for murder.



Elle: I'd murder to get in his pants.

You did murder.

Elle: I'm just saying I'd do it again!



Don't do whatever got the game to crash.

Neil: 'cuz I'm sure I know what that was.



You're about to swoon over Neil.

Ally: That's disgusting and I reject it categorically.



Faith: Wow, there's a courtyard! I think that's what I'm supposed to say.



Don: I'm going off-script.



Faith: Courtyard, more like rapeyard. This place is serious grim.



Cameron: Somebody boost me up to the windows, I wanna see the view. And not escape or anything.



Ally: Mornin' guv'na!
Neil: Don't talk like that, it's demeaning.



Ally: DAMMIT



Don: This place is like an Xzibit joke about bricks.



Don: I wonder if Xzibit jokes are still current in the non-jail world.
Faith: I heard you like those jokes.



Faith: Skip the ass, go for the tongue.



Don: Aren't you a naughty woman!
Faith: Got my whole family killed, I'll have you know!



Neil: I think my biggest problem with this job is I hate jobs.



Ally: I can totally see why you're my boss.



Prison pant rugs.

That was a good use of my time.



Faith: You should have spent that time on fixing the outfit edges.

Yeah, woof.



Neil: I'm not sure you want to be doing that.



Faith: Oh man this is way better than death!



Bill: I dunno, death is pretty great.

Bill spent this entire chapter naked in the last-meal-room outside of the electr-

...

Never mind, almost spoiled it.



Those edges.

I hope you guys are enjoying this documentary about someone learning how to Sim over a decade.



Don: I am.



The guards must be horny.



Bambi: Yes.



Bambi: But please, Bernard, not in front of the Klingons.



Faith: Alright mister, drop that soap.



Faith: He knew what I meant!

Yeah, you've got the same sense of humour about prison rape, you guys were meant to be.



To be in prison, I mean.



Elle: I've been really thinking about things, and I've decided that my main mistake was not killing all the witnesses to my original crime.
Bambi: Make sure you tell the parole board exactly that.



Bambi: Hey guess what psychopaths.
Bernard: In prison? No way!



Elle: Better than being a sexopath.
Bambi: Emphatically not!



Don: Emfuckally not!



Neil: I'm just saying we could both have made something more of ourselves.
Ally: You were an all-star and a four-star.
Neil: Okay, so really I'm just talking about you.



So this is what's happening in this chapter, huh.



Don: Don't knock it 'til you try it.
Faith: Don't pimp me out to god, please.



Don: Twenny bucks.

You're gross.



Bernard: What's with the hoverhands?
Bambi: It's our matching personal magnetisms, unfortunately.



Gina: Hey there! I hear you got sent to prison! For life!



Gina: Congratulations.



Yvonne: Hey nobody, thanks.



Don: Welp, that's that. Got forty more years worth of ideas?



Faith: Forty years can contain a lot of prison breaks.
Don: I like the way you fuck! And think.



Nanette: AAAAAAAAGH MY HAIR



Elle: AAAAAAAAGH MY NUDITY



Faith: aaaaaaaagh books



This is the opposite of a show of force.



Don: Heyyyy sugar!
Bambi: Kiss my ass.



Don: Just point it my way, baby!



Don: You are also cute.
Cameron: Fuck off.
Don: Already got my fuck off today, honey.



Don: So anyway I'm not mad you totally fucking sold me out at my trial.



Oh, Don was just thinking about you.

Renée: He was?!

Yeah, and it must have been super confusing for him.

Renée: Why?

Because he had the want to "Invite Renée over" and he doesn't know a Renée.

Renée: ...oh. Yeah.



Don: I'd still let you play me like a fiddle.
Cameron: Haha, yeah, okay.
Don: By which I mean fiddle with me.
Cameron: Okay. Yes.
Don: By which I mean-
Cameron: YES I GET IT



Cameron: I get it.



Bernard: I want to get it.
Bambi: Then help with the dishes, asshole.



Window shopping?

Yvonne: Remembering windows.



Yvonne: Windows were cool.



I like to imagine that chick-

Cassidy: Cassidy!

...that chick came all the way up here and then went "oh it's a prison."

Renée: That's what happened, I saw it.



Considering commitment?

Myrtle: As one might consider a tumour.



Renée: I'm a visitor!
Myrtle: Speaking of tumours...



Renée: Could you tell them I'm here to see Don Macarevich?
Myrtle: I could! Happy to answer your question.



Renée: You're funny.
Myrtle: And you're interrupting my navel-gazing.



Bernard: I'd gaze that navel any day.



Renée: I'm here to see Don.
Bernard: It's not for, like, hours.



Renée: ...
Bernard: ...
Renée: ...no, like, Don. As in the name. As in your prisoner, Don.
Bernard: Ohhhhhh. Are you sure we have one of those?



Don: Feel that foot feel.
Cameron: It's a cold foot feel.
Don: That's what it feels like to be testified against.



Neil: When are we gonna do something about this unspoken thing between us?
Ally: We are doing something about it. And that something is not speaking it.



Bernard: Alright, come on in. Theoretically we have guest facilities.
Renée: Theoretically?
Bernard: I've never seen them because everybody everywhere pretty much hates these losers.



Ally: Look man, I really respect you. That's not true. You're a giant dickbag and I do not respect you but man that whale penis head of yours is hot.



Neil: Whale penis. Now that's a name I've not heard for a long time. A long time.



Come on, man, who are you kidding.



Past Grugly: Yeah, sorry, you're right.



Bernard: Some fat chick wants to see you.
Don: All fat chicks want to see me.



Don: It's the Rule of Inverse Fat-Chick-Seeing-Wanting.
Bernard: I think she knows you?
Don: As in, I don't want to see them.



Bernard: I think she wants to have sex with you.
Don: I'm just enough of a misogynist for that to be appealing!

Since we apparently need to keep reminding people of this sort of thing: Don is not meant to be sympathetic, or emulated.



Bernard: I can tell she wants to have sex with you because she looks the opposite of how Bambi looks when she does not want to have sex with me.
Cameron: The fuck is any of this.



Renée: Hey baby, wanna participate in a common cliché about prison visits?



Don: ...holy shit, it's... what? How are... You should totally be in jail.



Renée: Yeah, fake identity, it's pretty great.



Don: You're lucky you picked a callback I remembered.



Don: Who gave you the fake identity? Because it's so fake apparently I just met a new person.



Renée: Man, who do you think.



Don: I don't think. I'm in jail.



Renée: You should spend some of your copious free time on conspiracy theories, then.



Renée: Obviously I got my fake identity from the evil organization of evil.



Renée: Does the name Daisy White ring a bell?
Don: Hot TV actress.
Renée: She's actually Cecilia Phelps.
Don: Ugly Sharpe kid.
Renée: That is an outrageously outdated description.
Don: Once an ugly Sharpe kid, always an ugly Sharpe kid.



Don: We done here?



Don: You were right. She wants to fuck.
Bernard: I'll ready the fuckin' chamber!



Bernard: It's monitored.
Renée: Of course it is.



I wouldn't be worried if I were you.



Renée: Oh baby, it's been so long.
Don: Oh baby, I can almost see your old hotness under that comically-hideous nose.



Bernard: It's not actually monitored.



Bernard: I don't suppose you'd let me manually monitor...



Don: You can if you want...
Renée: ...but neither of us have good hygeine.



Bernard: Yeah, I'm probably not into that.



Renée: ♪ Suddenly I see! ♪



Bernard: ♪ This is ♪ not where ♪ I want to be ♪

Next time: another of these times. And the last time of the year!

♪ It's the ♪ last ♪ wonderful time of the year ♪

This chapter depicts gameplay from 14 April 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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