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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 344


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which dates are firsted.



Ah, it looks so much better without Joshua.



Ember: Hey, could you put all your ginger ale on hold for me?



Sullivan: Why am I still here.



Ember: Thanks for the lead, but I think even this neighbourhood would frown on a pregnant woman visiting the prison to get laid.



I hate it.

Wren: Well that's one point in its favour!



It clips through your face.

Wren: Hey, as long as it annoys you, I'm satisfied.



You are just an inferior Ember.

Wren: You should have called me Spark.

Or Coal.



Xavier: This womrat is giving me an EXISTENTIAL CRISIS



Ivy: I think the colour in my thought balloons is going off.



Xavier: So do we have a live-in, do-nothing butler now?



Wren: More like a live-in pervert.

You'd better hope he does nothing.



Wait, did you...

Wren: You can never have too much money.



Xavier: If "too much money" was a thing, baby, you'd be it.
Ivy: That's just convoluted enough for me to appreciate!



SEGUE



Wren: Has anyone ever actually bought fruit here?

No, and I wouldn't. It's nearly a century old at this point.



Brady: Hey Mrs. Fox-Murphy. Got de-aged again, I see.



MEEP MEEP



PSSSSSHH

Joy: Neat.



You're not here, you're trapped in a basement.

Nathaniel: Luckily you forgot.



Nathaniel: I'mma use this opportunity to fawn over a superhero rather than asking her, or the police chief, for help.
Wren: The police chief is too busy hogging the WOMEN'S CLOTHING RACK.



Victor: I speak on behalf of the entire force when I say stop doing what you're doing.
Jizelle: Oou, tell zem I zaid "hi!"



Victor: Bit small-busted for a superhero, aren't you?



Wren: So the police chief is a dick.

If it makes you feel any better, he's a small dick.




SPLOOSH



WHAT.

Xavier: I-

Nevermind I don't care.



Xavier: Would you do me the honour of doing me the honour?



Ivy: I agree to agree.



Ember: Yeah, money is literally raining from the sky. Rich life is tough.



Spend some of it on a new haircut.



Wren: Hivy!



Ivy: I refuse to respond to that.



Xavier: OBSERVE MY STRENGTH



OBSERVE MY INAPPROPRIATE CEILING



That much better suits your useless personality.



Wren: Yep, that's what I was going for.



Wren: Man I'm useless.



What's more, it's contagious.



Your roofer is gonna love you.



Ivy: Why do you keep trying to touch me?
Xavier: Because I'm not sure you're real.



Xavier: God has led me to believe that nobody wants to date me.

That's totally inaccurate.

My title is "The Maker," not "God."



Xavier: I can't believe I might get to pass my genes on after all.

Hey, let's not be hasty. You've got a lot of Murphy in you.



TRANSITION



Ivy: If that's gonna become the norm you should probably start captioning properly.

CAN'T IMPROVE ME

WON'T LET YOU



Brooke: Am I a character yet?

Wait a few dozen years.



Speaking of things that really ought to wait.



Brooke: I want to be a character now!
Xavier: I have it on good authority that I'm only B-list. I don't think I can help you.



Xavier: Also I don't want to.



Ivy: Brady is hot like my RAGE



Xavier: What's your rage about?
Ivy: A burglar.
Xavier: Girl, everybody gets burgled around here. You roll with it.



Xavier: My mom's boyfriend just died, and do you see her even slightly bummed? No!



Xavier: I'd be bummed if you died, though.
Ivy: Aw! That is the bare minimum amount of charming!



Ivy: You're benefiting a lot from this being my first date.



Ivy: A gift! What is it?
Xavier: One of those potions you can use to find me hotter.



Ivy: What if I use it to find other people hotter?
Xavier: I might call the cops? Surely that's illegal.



Ivy: It might be fun to find out.



Ivy: What a nice boy, trying to change me already.



Brady: Dude, could you not wait ten seconds.
Xavier: I'm making a soundtrack for our date.

♪ On this useless night ♪



♪ With you so far away ♪



♪ I stand in front of this Ferris Wheel ♪

Xavier: And I wonder WHAT AM I DOING HERE



Xavier: And I wonder WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!



Xavier: Or rather, why am I doing it with Ivy.



It's a fair question.



Xavier: Hi. Do you know how incredibly hot you are?



Xavier: So incredibly.



Stephen: In the end, my kids are my kids.



Xavier: Clouds. Who needs 'em?
Brooke: RIGHT?!



Xavier: Right.



Xavier: Okay, I've done the rounds and you're still the hottest.
Stephen: You don't tell them that!



The Unsavoury Charlatan: Nice hop, bunny boy.



Ivy: I dunno, I feel like I can do better than you.



Xavier: Well I can't do better than you.
Ivy: So you're saying I have all the power! Interesting.



Xavier: I accept your charity.



Ivy: Wow, kissing is only like half as gross as I thought it would be!
Xavier: I guess I thought it would be less gross.



Green genocide please.



Xavier: That dude's death is, like, the only thing that's ever happened.



Ivy: I can't believe I found someone who's led a more boring life than I have.



Xavier: I know, we're in a parking lot, and we're dancing...

You're safe. Not because I like you, but because I don't like repeating gags.



Xavier: The Maker's not gonna kill us tonight!
Ivy: What about tomorrow?
Xavier: Uh, only if our date goes badly.



Ivy: Well we can't have that then.



Xavier: He didn't actually say that.
Ivy: And I only kissed you because I knew the guilt would make you backtrack.



And then she threw jpeg compression all over him.



Ivy: I'm just trying to reduce his file size.



Xavier: Good idea, it's getting huge right now.



Ivy: Ho boy.



Xavier: This has been a surprisingly good date.
Ivy: Why "surprisingly"?
Xavier: My presence is an automatic handicap.



Jade: They've been building that place for ages.

Yeah, well, you'll fucking see why.

Soon.



Victor: Whoah whoah whoah! You can't just ugly up on a guy like that!



Ivy: Looks like you need more compression.



Xavier: Compress my lumps with yours, baby.



Xavier: Yes! I've graduated to one-liners! Being a teen is awesome.



Ivy: And you wear it acceptably.



*gross noises*



Ivy: What disgusting music we make!



Xavier: I have to go home and change my pants.



Alvin: You're looking lovely today.

That, is a counter.

Alvin: Racist.



Ian: My soul for a bit part.
Xavier: Can't do nothin' for you, son.




Wren: CENTRE THE ATTENTION ON ME



Why on earth won't you leave.



Sullivan: We're just two kisses passing in the night, red.



Ember: He's right, you need to fuck off already.



Ivy: This is awesome. I've got a dude, and his sister can be my less-hot best friend!



Wren: Somebody decapitated our flamingo.



Xavier: We thought we'd get the awkward parental dinner out of the way early.



Ivy: So, what do you do for a living, Mrs. Fox-Murphy?
Wren: She's a world-famous rock star.



Xavier: Don't blame yourself, at least two or three people in the entire world haven't heard of her.



Ivy: Hey man, thanks.



Xavier: I understand, you're too indie for the mainstream.
Ivy: Hahaha, fuck off.
Xavier: I bet your favourite band uses gerbils to play tea cups.



Ivy: You're getting to be a lot, buddy.
Xavier: I'm stupid with love, what can I say?
Ivy: You can not say "love" on a first date, for starters.



Why are you eating in your fucking BEDROOM?

Wren: Why is there a TABLE in our fucking bedroom?

...

...point.



Wren: THIS is why I was eating there.



Wren: I mean I guess she can be my less-hot best friend or something.



Xavier: I can't breathe and I don't care.



Wren: Everybody got focus today except me.

I would argue it wasn't all positive focus.



Ivy: Okay, about that word you shouldn't have used.
Xavier: Are you about to tell me I should grab your ass?



Xavier: Because I was already in the process.



Ivy: This escalated quickly.



Xavier: Man, you're not kidding.



Ivy: Burglar of my heart.



Xavier: Okay! You're not leaving. You're getting into my bed. I'm sure that makes some kind of sense.



Xavier: Are we married now?
Ivy: Yes, and if you snore we're getting a divorce.



Xavier: I don't know if I snore. I've never listened to myself sleep.



Xavier: Girl in my bed!

That's peak bed, my man!



Xavier: "Peak." Yes. That's the word.



Xavier: Luck status: pushing.



Ivy: I'll allow it, but try anything funny and I'll ass-mash your balls.



Wren: He does snore, just so's you knows.



Bust of Tylopoda: I'm sorry, date flower, it's just not working out between us.



Xavier: Do we not have a "sleep through the night" hack installed?

I thought we did. But then, it's kind of difficult keeping track of my sixteen thousand CC files.



Wren: You'd better be planning a hot boyfriend for me.

Very little of my planning involves attractive men.

Wren: Well make me gay then.

Sure, we can do that.



Ivy: Mornin' dude!
Xavier: Mornin', hallucination!



Xavier: Wait, you must be real. I only hear Wren's piano playing in my nightmares, not my dreams!



Elle: I could stand around like a dipshit. Make me playable.



Ivy: I had a great time!
Xavier: Move in with us?
Ivy: And leave my crazy dad and his weird new girlfriend? And my sister who already ran away? And my baby brother whose name I don't remember? Wow it sounds pretty easy when I say it out loud like that.



Xavier: Wren might kill you in your sleep if she doesn't get a boyfriend-
Wren: Or girlfriend.
Xavier: -or girlfriend, soon.



Ivy: I accept your generous offer.
Wren: He's always generous with other people's things.



Wren: Pretty brave dude, not asking mom.
Xavier: I guarantee you mom wants us living in sin.



Wren: That is almost certainly correct, yes.



Ivy: Oh boo, you guys get the creepy driver? I might have to reconsider everything.



Xavier: Hands off my girlfriend, dude.
Blazej: I can still leer, though, right?



Ember: ♪ Tell me, what is the use? ♪



♪ And I wonder ♪



♪ What is that doing there?

Next time: f-f-f-flashback!

Because I f-f-f-forgot someone.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 April 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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