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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 344

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Updates whenever I damn well please!

Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
All naked fake people/fake people having fake sex are 18+ and consenting.


If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which dates are firsted.



Ah, it looks so much better without Joshua.



Ember: Hey, could you put all your ginger ale on hold for me?



Sullivan: Why am I still here.



Ember: Thanks for the lead, but I think even this neighbourhood would frown on a pregnant woman visiting the prison to get laid.



I hate it.

Wren: Well that's one point in its favour!



It clips through your face.

Wren: Hey, as long as it annoys you, I'm satisfied.



You are just an inferior Ember.

Wren: You should have called me Spark.

Or Coal.



Xavier: This womrat is giving me an EXISTENTIAL CRISIS



Ivy: I think the colour in my thought balloons is going off.



Xavier: So do we have a live-in, do-nothing butler now?



Wren: More like a live-in pervert.

You'd better hope he does nothing.



Wait, did you...

Wren: You can never have too much money.



Xavier: If "too much money" was a thing, baby, you'd be it.
Ivy: That's just convoluted enough for me to appreciate!



SEGUE



Wren: Has anyone ever actually bought fruit here?

No, and I wouldn't. It's nearly a century old at this point.



Brady: Hey Mrs. Fox-Murphy. Got de-aged again, I see.



MEEP MEEP



PSSSSSHH

Joy: Neat.



You're not here, you're trapped in a basement.

Nathaniel: Luckily you forgot.



Nathaniel: I'mma use this opportunity to fawn over a superhero rather than asking her, or the police chief, for help.
Wren: The police chief is too busy hogging the WOMEN'S CLOTHING RACK.



Victor: I speak on behalf of the entire force when I say stop doing what you're doing.
Jizelle: Oou, tell zem I zaid "hi!"



Victor: Bit small-busted for a superhero, aren't you?



Wren: So the police chief is a dick.

If it makes you feel any better, he's a small dick.




SPLOOSH



WHAT.

Xavier: I-

Nevermind I don't care.



Xavier: Would you do me the honour of doing me the honour?



Ivy: I agree to agree.



Ember: Yeah, money is literally raining from the sky. Rich life is tough.



Spend some of it on a new haircut.



Wren: Hivy!



Ivy: I refuse to respond to that.



Xavier: OBSERVE MY STRENGTH



OBSERVE MY INAPPROPRIATE CEILING



That much better suits your useless personality.



Wren: Yep, that's what I was going for.



Wren: Man I'm useless.



What's more, it's contagious.



Your roofer is gonna love you.



Ivy: Why do you keep trying to touch me?
Xavier: Because I'm not sure you're real.



Xavier: God has led me to believe that nobody wants to date me.

That's totally inaccurate.

My title is "The Maker," not "God."



Xavier: I can't believe I might get to pass my genes on after all.

Hey, let's not be hasty. You've got a lot of Murphy in you.



TRANSITION



Ivy: If that's gonna become the norm you should probably start captioning properly.

CAN'T IMPROVE ME

WON'T LET YOU



Brooke: Am I a character yet?

Wait a few dozen years.



Speaking of things that really ought to wait.



Brooke: I want to be a character now!
Xavier: I have it on good authority that I'm only B-list. I don't think I can help you.



Xavier: Also I don't want to.



Ivy: Brady is hot like my RAGE



Xavier: What's your rage about?
Ivy: A burglar.
Xavier: Girl, everybody gets burgled around here. You roll with it.



Xavier: My mom's boyfriend just died, and do you see her even slightly bummed? No!



Xavier: I'd be bummed if you died, though.
Ivy: Aw! That is the bare minimum amount of charming!



Ivy: You're benefiting a lot from this being my first date.



Ivy: A gift! What is it?
Xavier: One of those potions you can use to find me hotter.



Ivy: What if I use it to find other people hotter?
Xavier: I might call the cops? Surely that's illegal.



Ivy: It might be fun to find out.



Ivy: What a nice boy, trying to change me already.



Brady: Dude, could you not wait ten seconds.
Xavier: I'm making a soundtrack for our date.

♪ On this useless night ♪



♪ With you so far away ♪



♪ I stand in front of this Ferris Wheel ♪

Xavier: And I wonder WHAT AM I DOING HERE



Xavier: And I wonder WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!



Xavier: Or rather, why am I doing it with Ivy.



It's a fair question.



Xavier: Hi. Do you know how incredibly hot you are?



Xavier: So incredibly.



Stephen: In the end, my kids are my kids.



Xavier: Clouds. Who needs 'em?
Brooke: RIGHT?!



Xavier: Right.



Xavier: Okay, I've done the rounds and you're still the hottest.
Stephen: You don't tell them that!



The Unsavoury Charlatan: Nice hop, bunny boy.



Ivy: I dunno, I feel like I can do better than you.



Xavier: Well I can't do better than you.
Ivy: So you're saying I have all the power! Interesting.



Xavier: I accept your charity.



Ivy: Wow, kissing is only like half as gross as I thought it would be!
Xavier: I guess I thought it would be less gross.



Green genocide please.



Xavier: That dude's death is, like, the only thing that's ever happened.



Ivy: I can't believe I found someone who's led a more boring life than I have.



Xavier: I know, we're in a parking lot, and we're dancing...

You're safe. Not because I like you, but because I don't like repeating gags.



Xavier: The Maker's not gonna kill us tonight!
Ivy: What about tomorrow?
Xavier: Uh, only if our date goes badly.



Ivy: Well we can't have that then.



Xavier: He didn't actually say that.
Ivy: And I only kissed you because I knew the guilt would make you backtrack.



And then she threw jpeg compression all over him.



Ivy: I'm just trying to reduce his file size.



Xavier: Good idea, it's getting huge right now.



Ivy: Ho boy.



Xavier: This has been a surprisingly good date.
Ivy: Why "surprisingly"?
Xavier: My presence is an automatic handicap.



Jade: They've been building that place for ages.

Yeah, well, you'll fucking see why.

Soon.



Victor: Whoah whoah whoah! You can't just ugly up on a guy like that!



Ivy: Looks like you need more compression.



Xavier: Compress my lumps with yours, baby.



Xavier: Yes! I've graduated to one-liners! Being a teen is awesome.



Ivy: And you wear it acceptably.



*gross noises*



Ivy: What disgusting music we make!



Xavier: I have to go home and change my pants.



Alvin: You're looking lovely today.

That, is a counter.

Alvin: Racist.



Ian: My soul for a bit part.
Xavier: Can't do nothin' for you, son.




Wren: CENTRE THE ATTENTION ON ME



Why on earth won't you leave.



Sullivan: We're just two kisses passing in the night, red.



Ember: He's right, you need to fuck off already.



Ivy: This is awesome. I've got a dude, and his sister can be my less-hot best friend!



Wren: Somebody decapitated our flamingo.



Xavier: We thought we'd get the awkward parental dinner out of the way early.



Ivy: So, what do you do for a living, Mrs. Fox-Murphy?
Wren: She's a world-famous rock star.



Xavier: Don't blame yourself, at least two or three people in the entire world haven't heard of her.



Ivy: Hey man, thanks.



Xavier: I understand, you're too indie for the mainstream.
Ivy: Hahaha, fuck off.
Xavier: I bet your favourite band uses gerbils to play tea cups.



Ivy: You're getting to be a lot, buddy.
Xavier: I'm stupid with love, what can I say?
Ivy: You can not say "love" on a first date, for starters.



Why are you eating in your fucking BEDROOM?

Wren: Why is there a TABLE in our fucking bedroom?

...

...point.



Wren: THIS is why I was eating there.



Wren: I mean I guess she can be my less-hot best friend or something.



Xavier: I can't breathe and I don't care.



Wren: Everybody got focus today except me.

I would argue it wasn't all positive focus.



Ivy: Okay, about that word you shouldn't have used.
Xavier: Are you about to tell me I should grab your ass?



Xavier: Because I was already in the process.



Ivy: This escalated quickly.



Xavier: Man, you're not kidding.



Ivy: Burglar of my heart.



Xavier: Okay! You're not leaving. You're getting into my bed. I'm sure that makes some kind of sense.



Xavier: Are we married now?
Ivy: Yes, and if you snore we're getting a divorce.



Xavier: I don't know if I snore. I've never listened to myself sleep.



Xavier: Girl in my bed!

That's peak bed, my man!



Xavier: "Peak." Yes. That's the word.



Xavier: Luck status: pushing.



Ivy: I'll allow it, but try anything funny and I'll ass-mash your balls.



Wren: He does snore, just so's you knows.



Bust of Tylopoda: I'm sorry, date flower, it's just not working out between us.



Xavier: Do we not have a "sleep through the night" hack installed?

I thought we did. But then, it's kind of difficult keeping track of my sixteen thousand CC files.



Wren: You'd better be planning a hot boyfriend for me.

Very little of my planning involves attractive men.

Wren: Well make me gay then.

Sure, we can do that.



Ivy: Mornin' dude!
Xavier: Mornin', hallucination!



Xavier: Wait, you must be real. I only hear Wren's piano playing in my nightmares, not my dreams!



Elle: I could stand around like a dipshit. Make me playable.



Ivy: I had a great time!
Xavier: Move in with us?
Ivy: And leave my crazy dad and his weird new girlfriend? And my sister who already ran away? And my baby brother whose name I don't remember? Wow it sounds pretty easy when I say it out loud like that.



Xavier: Wren might kill you in your sleep if she doesn't get a boyfriend-
Wren: Or girlfriend.
Xavier: -or girlfriend, soon.



Ivy: I accept your generous offer.
Wren: He's always generous with other people's things.



Wren: Pretty brave dude, not asking mom.
Xavier: I guarantee you mom wants us living in sin.



Wren: That is almost certainly correct, yes.



Ivy: Oh boo, you guys get the creepy driver? I might have to reconsider everything.



Xavier: Hands off my girlfriend, dude.
Blazej: I can still leer, though, right?



Ember: ♪ Tell me, what is the use? ♪



♪ And I wonder ♪



♪ What is that doing there?

Next time: f-f-f-flashback!

Because I f-f-f-forgot someone.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 April 2012.

Tags: abigail, alvin, brooke alioto, brooke enriquez, cecilia, charlatan, clerk, ea games, eaxis, ellen, ember, ivy, jizelle, kenya hollmo, legacy challenge, magic, maxis, nathaniel, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, shiloh, simblr, sims, sims 2, stephen, sullivan, superhero, victor cwik, wren, xavier
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