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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 348


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which I reluctantly conclude the open house of the century.




Revenge of the Lot Descriptions!

"What? Product placement? We don't know what you're talking about. At H&M Clover County, we're all about pure unadulterated integrity. We sell clothes, not our souls. Unless you've got an offer..."



No joke, my game picks walkbys in ascending order from least-possible to most-possible.



Neila: What do you do with all this money?
Brady: I eat it. I'm not allowed to leave the register.



Grugly Prime: Hey, that's not true. We let you go on a date once, fifty years ago.



Dude, you're embarassing us.



Also she's over there.



Neila: It's a pleasure to meet you.
Grugly Prime: I always suspect that, but it's nice to have it confirmed.



Grugly Prime: This, as well, I always suspect.



Oliver: I hope this handshake never ends.

He knows what's coming after it.



Oliver: I always suspect it, but it's worse to have it confirmed.



Why?

Neila: Why what?

Why green? The old one matched your eyes! Your family eyes.

Neila: The new one matches my room!

That's stupid.

Past Grugly, that's stupid.

Brady: Is Past Grugly different from Grugly Prime? I'm so confused.



She's still damn cute, stupid recolour or no stupid recolour.



Sharpe genetics! Recognizable and attractive. You usually can't have both.




"Got a lot pent up inside? Want a taste of sweet release? Then come on down to Brown Notes. We've got sounds that will move you."

snrrrrk



♪ You spin me right round, baby, right round ♪

Neila: A little on-the-nose, don't you think?



Stewart: Sorry, who bit your nose?



Neila: I just can't with these people.

They can't with themselves.



Neila: I am rich. May I judge you?



How did you judge him?

Neila: Less interesting than the prospect of a pregnant lady dancing.




Neila: ...that made my back hurt.



"Need some electronics? You need to check out Electro Nick's! You know you can trust us because we have a pun related to the thing we sell in our name. And puns don't lie, do they? DO THEY."

Neila: HAHAHA THEY DON'T.



Neila: Hi! I'm real.
Kennedy: We're all real.
Neila: What a quaint concept.



Kennedy: Who's that hot Bradley over there?



Neila: I like a man who says weird shit.



Kennedy: But seriously, is Bradley a chick now?



Neila: Wow, you people are all unattractive!
Joe: Mass media has raised people's expectations to an unreasonable level! As has my plastic surgery practice.

Not even joking. I realized it as I was writing the line!



The Unsavoury Charlatan: Would you care to join me? I'm holding auditions for an Unsalty Charlataness.




A friend of mine once told me he saw the librarian in our public school wandering the stacks alone muttering "Books, books, books!" to herself.

I wonder when I stopped thinking that was funny/bizarre and started thinking it was awesome.

Was it my first graduate degree or my second?



FRIDAY: Was that a humble brag?

Oops, was it humble?



You are NOT doing a robobootycall, thanks.



Neila: That's fine, I do not accept the charges.

Not the right phone joke, but you're a millennial, you don't know any better.



You live with a green warlock. Anyone looks hot compared to that.



...almost anyone.



...okay fine.



Oh what the FUCK.

Lance: Thought you could talk about me behind my back, huh?

Anyway I like how there's a glowing man and a yellow robot and a bigfoot and everyone's going "WHO'S THAT FAT CHICK"



Sunny: Don't forget the blue woman!

I do, though.

Sometimes.



Asia: Aw come on girl bigfoot is awesome!
Brady: Who is that chick, though?



Neila: That's enough exposure for the nobodies.



...the fuck?

Somebody summon a potion?



Neila: It's the magic of nature.

I DEMAND A REAL EXPLANATION



Chief: .oO(I can bombz foto?)



Neila: Maybe I'll just pick the dude with the hottest-sounding name.



BERNARD LEAK.

Neila: Right? Awesome.

BERNARD.

Neila: Yep!

LEAK.

Neila: Badass, I know!



Neila: Hmm. Emerson Lake-Palmer.

That would have been a much better name.

I'm sad now.



Nick: Hells yeah kid! Scroll though all the borings why don't you.



Kyle: I stubbed my toe just now, and I kinda liked it. Can we talk about that? I feel like I need to talk about that.



Vicki: You thinking about anything gross or weird back there?
Valerie: Assuredly.



Kyle: I'm the first boy ever, did you know that? Numero uno.
Neila: That must be so fascinating to you.



Victor: Haha, what?



Valerie: Settling in okay?
Nick: Grandpa's right. I have to fight the urge to steal shit every time I room-transition.



Victor: I'm gonna steal dad's wife.



Victor: Hey a lot of people hate her.
Andrea: Yeah, my mom had opinions, let me tell you.



Victor: She pissed off that blue chick somehow.
Andrea: Blue chick?
Victor: Blue dress, blue eyes, blue hair?
Andrea: If you're insulting my intelligence I'm not smart enough to get it.



William: COME ON! PUT YOUR VAGINA INTO IT!

We already did that callback.

William: But it fits this image so much better!



William: Anyway I've just got vagina on the brain right now.

Pff.

"Right now."



Kyle: What are your opinions on the topic of sciatica?



Neila: You are so boring it's turning me on somehow.



Samantha: Get back here!
William: No, his instincts are right. Head away from the naked family member. I wish I'd done that myself.



William: Naked non-family members, though, I'm still very much into.



Andrea: You can be very much into me as often as you want, buddy.
William: And it would be very much. Very much indeed.



William: Victor! VICTOR!
Victor: In all things, my man.



William: So you're like twenty or something.
Andrea: Eighteen.
William: I thought that age only existed in porn.



Andrea: If the money's right, count me in!



William: Money is no object where Captain Sparkes is concerned. And he is very concerned right now.



Man, that little bugger's instincts are flawless.



Andrea: Dost though knowest whom I art?
William: That was a bit of a reach.



Victor: Aw WHAT



Andrea: Artsy.
William: Watch what he does next, though.



You know me so well.



Samantha: This house is full of helpful hints.



Where's his dick gone?

Valerie: I'll put it back when I'm done with it.



William: Okay, you raise a good point.
Andrea: I noticed that.



William: Ha ha, but seriously, I need to know who Daisy stole you from.
Andrea: "Stole" me from? Dude, do you think women's vaginas steal your cum?



William: Wait, so you think you're actually her daughter?
Andrea: Damn right! And my daddy's that mad scientist who hates your balls.



William: We do have a similar skintone.
Andrea: I don't follow.
William: You can lead, then.



Andrea: You've got pretty nice skin for an old man.
William: Two quarts baby plantsim juice, twice a week.
Andrea: ...?!
William: What? They're not human.



William: That joke was meant to remove your crotch from my crotch.
Andrea: It'll need to be a lot stronger than that, then.



William: I'm just worried that we're related somehow. But then why do we have chemistry?
Andrea: You're hot, dude, but I am not roleplaying incest with you.



Andrea: If you're so worried why's your cock so big.
William: It's been stuck like that for decades.



Andrea: Look man, my mom was a regular everyday gal. Who played your sister. On TV. And got her ass kicked by zombies. In real life.



William: YOUR EYES AREN'T YOUR EYES.



William: Ohhhhhhh fuck.
Andrea: What are you talking about, my eyes aren't my oh.



Andrea: They had decals on.
William: Uh-huh.
Andrea: These are Sharpe eyes.
William: *sigh* Uh-huh.



Andrea: I'M SO SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENTAL FLIRT



William: So this is only an awkward moment if we make it awkward. No. No, that's not true at all. Dammit.



William: So yeah, your mom was a serial killer. FYI.



Andrea: And my uncle is a serial ladykiller.



William: Can we hug after we dress?



Andrea: HAHAHA oh my god we almost fucked.



Andrea: Mom's last joke. Goooood god that's some big uncle dick you've got there.
William: Ugh, could you not.



That's not what I designed this room for, but I can definitely see how you made the mistake.



Aw, come on Valerie! Did you throw it out your window or something?

Valerie: It was dirty!



Good! Let's do the preceding couple of minutes a little less ickily.



Andrea: So I'm wearing flat contacts? That's weird. Sim makeup is weird.



Andrea: It just got weirder.



Andrea: OH MY GOD I'M HEIR TO A FORTUNE



William: Did we actually crash, or did you quit so I wouldn't have a crush on my niece?

It really says a lot about you fucked-up people that I would even need to make such a consideration.



Andrea: Wait wait, so I don't get to have a hot dicking tonight?

Not one with that skintone, at least.



Andrea: But man... I mean...
William: You're making this weird.
Andrea: I mean look at it.



Andrea: Maybe my family also has these eyes!
William: Yeah, no.
Andrea: Maybe there's another layer of decals!



Andrea: OKAY WOW IT'S SETTING IN
William: OH GOD ME TOO



Neila: This place is awesome.

It had better be.

You have no idea how many hours I spent drafting it out in Excel!

At work.

MWAHAHA.

...



This is the only file I could find.

Somewhere there's one of all three floors, in glorious colour.

What? I worked long hours.



Andrea: HAHAHA "LONG"
William: You okay?
Andrea: "Long" for me now means "dicks I can't have."



William: Don't make me noogie you.
Andrea: HAHAHA NOOGIE NIGHTS



Statue of Neil: Will you forgive me for all the horrible things I've done?
Statue of Victoria: Those weren't you. They were the dude you're a statue of.
Statue of Neil: Oh. Right. The real Victoria would never use the word "dude," so I believe you.



Statue of Victoria: Also we're not sentient and this isn't happening.



Statue of Vicki: Well that's a damn shame.



Andrea: Did you see the comments? Grugly gave Lucas away and somebody was actually happy to have him.
William: That's ridiculous. Must be a really complicated spambot.



Andrea: Hahaha you know I saw him get eaten by a zombie when I was no years old?



Andrea: No years old.



William: That didn't look like a zombie.
Andrea: Apparently she got better.



William: So anyway, let's not tell the others about this.
Andrea: About us being related? Okay!
William: ...



William: I leave it in your hands.
Andrea: I wanted it in my hands, don't rub it in.
William: I wanted to rub it in, don't remind me.



DOPPELFOOMPF



Vicki: You know, Captain Sparkles gets his own sonic boom when you do that?



Vicki: Also thanks for the dick-dust, dude.



Vicki: Oh NOW he gets dressed, SURE.



Vicki: Still hot.
William: Every girl's crazy 'bout a dressed Sharpe man.

We've made that joke before, too.

William: Yeah but, like, in a title pic. Doesn't count.



William: So this is our bedroom...
Vicki: I see it comes with a complimenary naked person.



Andrea: I assumed it was my room because it was the best one.



Andrea: ...actually I retract that.



Andrea: You have done acceptably, maker my maker.



William: So good news! Andrea and I are friends now. Just friends. Permanently just friends.



Vicki: You must be so sexually tense right now.



William: My underwear is more holes than not-holes.



Vicki: Chuck 'em, then.



William: You're woman enough for two men, Vix.
Vicki: I'll go get me a second, then.



William: Gonna put my eye out one of these days.
Vicki: You should put a clown nose on the end.



Sharpestone's dog quarters, Stankwood.



Vicki: I thought you were getting up.
William: It was an involuntary motion. All that blood rushing from Captain Sparkles makes my spine contort.



Hey, I did say we weren't done with the pooping.

Did I say we were done with toddlers pooping?

If I did, well, sorry. I already typed the caption, so it's going in.



♪ Shittin', sleepin'... he's just a William! ♪



Andrea: I can't let you switch households before I get my snoggin' on.



Uma: If you know where the snoglords are, lead on.



Samantha: We need assigned teleport spots before we end up merging with each other.



Samantha: Just because we're family doesn't mean I want to see what your insides look like.

Those are the chest drawer pulls.

Nick: What?

Just if anyone wanted to know what those horrible blocky things ruining the shot are.



Uma: Welcome to Snogvale.



Victor: Population: Yes.



Nick: I'm open for anything but we need to ditch the brat.



Victor: How's my hot mamma doing?
Andrea: Can we omit familial metaphors from our affectionate vocabulary? No reason. But can we.



Nick: Have you ever pried open a red burning eye with a chopstick?



Cecilia: I'M COMING FOR YOU



Vicki: Bad news, everyone! Catapult nightmares when you can teleport are super embarassing.
Victor: Well well! Welcome to the yard.



Uma: What did you have a nightmare about?
Vicki: ...consequences.



Nick: Just the word drives me to drink.



Vicki: Hey baby, doorframe's in the frame.



Uma: Who you callin' baby, baby?



William: What's your endgame there, son?



William: So soft! What's it made of?
Uma: Plantsim skin.



Nick: Nothing satisfies like a good callback.



Andrea: So HEY Vicki's still naked.
Victor: U-MA NEXT! U-MA NEXT!



Valerie: What kind of example are you setting for you daughter?
Vicki: I was going for "do what you want and fuck the haters." You got a better one?



FOOMPF

Samantha: There is no better one.



Samantha: My only goal is to exceed her badassery.



Brittany: I'd say risking a bus bisection to look cool is pretty badass!
Samantha: Yeah but what do you know, you wear beige clothes.



Victor: No touch! No homo.
Valerie: You gonna sit there and let them be prejudiced, Vicki?
Nick: What? Homo means "same." He doesn't want to touch me because we're related.
Victor: Um, duh? What else would it mean?

Generally it means the speaker is a waste of skin.



Andrea: Grugly's on a liberal soapbox in the dining room.

Not true!

I'm in the kitchen now.



You know that he's your half-bro-

Andrea: He IS my half! My better half! And don't call me bro! And SHUT UP SHUT UP



I honestly did not anticipate this when I put a fountain there.



Chief: .oO(Livin' the dream!)



The off-centre, ostentatious, aristocratic, aristocrats-joke dream.

Next time: The Lay (Ley? Leigh?) of Brad, a gender adventure in seven parts.

SEVEN PARTS.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 May 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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