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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 372


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.



Warm smell of unwashed vacationers rising up through the air.



Vicki: Shut your filthy night-loving mouth over there.



Cara: All those unwashed vacationers make the flowers smell so sweet.



Vicki: Playability isn't contagious, take off.



Vicki: SAVE IT FOR YOUR BLOG



Thanks for narrating all that so I didn't have to look any names up.

Vicki: You can pay me back by making my future less tragic than my past.

Can I, though?



'cuz y'all are pretty tragic by nature.



Cara: *is complicit in colonialism*



Stephen: No, but, see, it's grass.

Don't bother.

Stephen: You don't need to mop it because it's grass.

Seriously, don't bother.



These people are obviously well beyond reason.



Focus on what's important. That's what I do.



Vicki: The only good thing about our pervert god is that he's honest about it.



Vicki: I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where you're never sure if an omnipotent deity is watching you sunbathe.

I'd like to pose this awful question to all the religious people out there.

I'd like to, but I suspect not many of them are reading this.

For some reason.



Cara: I can see I have your attention.



Cara: I don't want you to merge with your wife.
Stephen: I don't want that either! *heartfart*



Yeah, none of this is what I intended when I made you.



Stephen: Unintended consequences are best consequences.



I don't always agree.



Hey man, whatever floats your boat.



Stephen: Who's that?

Virginia Sharpe.

Stephen: Did I just invent her or something?



Stephen: My brain creates sexy ladies!
Vicki: Don't make me put an axe in it.



Stephen: I'll do the putting-in, you do the putting-out.



I'm amazed there are still phrases like that out there for me to come up with.



Vicki: IT'S... BEEN... THREE... HOURS...
Stephen: SHOULD... I... STOP...
Vicki: DON'T... YOU... DARE...



Vicki: I felt that in my marrow.



I'm trying to remember if there's any faithful couples anywhere in my story.

Stephen: Hey man, Vicks and I are married, it's all good.



Stephen: It's all so good.



Vicki: "Vicks" really kills my appetite.

Ugh, I can smell it now.



This painting is bored.



Vicki: Do you think we could just live here?
Stephen: Yeah, forever, in fact.
Vicki: What?
Stephen: Time doesn't pass here.
Vicki: Does that mean...

It means you can't be pregnant, yeah.



Vicki: We could fuck forever.



Stephen: We certainly could! I certainly could.



Tour Guide: That guy smells like bed.



Good work, placeholder, we've got the background and camera angle dialled in, now leave so the real model can take your place.



Vicki: ...I'm not so sure about that pregnancy thing.

Oh you can get pregnant. You just can't be pregnant.

Vicki: ...and the difference is...?

You'll have morning sickness forever but you'll never get fat.



Vicki: I don't know if that's good or not yet!




Stephen: That is one huge, hideous hill.

Once again, for anyone playing: "boolprop dontmergenhflora false" before you load into your lots.

You'll thank me.



Stephen: I dunno, I think it looks pretty cool without the trees. Kinda like the world is a featureless, meaningless expanse.
Vicki: Like your brain.
Stephen: Like my brain, yes, exactly!



Stephen: I like how they undercoated the boardwalks with stucco, that definitely makes sense!



Witch Doctor: They were not kidding about not microwaving cats.



Witch Doctor: Maybe if I stab some air holes through?



It was the only thing I could think of, fuck off.



Anyway karma is fast and fierce in this setting.



Witch Doctor: OOGA BOOGA BOO

Before you start, it's not racist, he's white.

Which is to say he's racist.

Which is to say I'm glad he's getting electrocuted.



Vicki: Oh, look, a little scrap of detail.
Stephen: Yep. One.



Witch Doctor: I can fix this myself. I'm not a cuck.



Stephen: I think I just heard something that means I don't want to get any closer.



Witch Doctor: Well well! Who's this Sheila?

He's sort of a combination of all the worst kinds of people, if you're wondering.

Don't like being lumped in with "the worst kinds of people," Australians?

Maybe don't vote the way you're voting.

See also: Americans, Canadians, the British, fucking everyone, we're all gonna die, wearing Hugo Boss suits and jackboots.



Vicki: You'll have to forgive him, there weren't so many Nazis when this story originally took place.

AND NOW IT'S GETTING HARD NOT TO COMMENT ON ALL THE NAZIS ALL THE TIME



Vicki: So this guy is pretty terrible.

Yeah, for a company headquartered in California they sure did some illiberal shit with race in this game.



Stephen: Which I am complicit in.

Yeah.

Stephen: Yeah? That's all you have to say?

I thought the grass skirt was funny. I still think the grass skirt is funny.



Vicki: We'll fix your shit if you go away.
Witch Doctor: Can you make me a sandwich, too? Bitch?



Vicki: Not with whatever the fuck you've been cooking with.



Witch Doctor: It fell in the water, I was trying to help.



I don't see anything to screw there.

Stephen: I don't either, but since all the buttons are covered in ejaculate, I'm guessing he did.



Witch Doctor: Anne Coulter was on the screen, I can't help myself.



Vicki: You think we could rig this to explode?



Stephen: I think I'm only gonna touch stuff in here with the screwdriver from now on.



Witch Doctor: There are only two genders.



Stephen: Maybe stop cutting to him.



Vicki: And maybe just start cutting him.
Stephen: Honestly I'm pretty sure he'll be dead in twenty-four hours if we just leave.



Yeah, that's a thought.



Stephen: Let's fuck on all his stuff, first.



Vicki: I like the way you think, mister! And the way you fuck.



Vicki: Where did you get the soap?
Stephen: I just filled it with Scrubbing Bubbles, actually. We're probably getting cancer or something.



Vicki: As long as he gets it too.



Witch Doctor: identity politics



Witch Doctor: Oh fuck, the self-loathing is setting in. Quick! Post something inflammatory on an unrelated YouTube video!



Stephen: I think I need to kill you before we go.
Vicki: We can take pictures with his corpse like that dentist with that elephant!



Stephen: You're a terrible person and I hate you.
Witch Doctor: Yeah well you're a beta cuck.
Stephen: Yeah well I've got more hair than you and I am currently fucking another man's wife, so insult backfire.



Witch Doctor: I want to be you.



Stephen: What do you think about two dudes dating?
Witch Doctor: Gross, and totally my business.
Stephen: Women controlling their bodies.
Witch Doctor: More like controlling my kitchen.
Stephen: Large corporations?
Witch Doctor: HARD WORKING HERO-ENTITIES



Stephen: I think we've found the anthropomorphic personification of America.
Vicki: So we're definitely gonna kill it, then.



Witch Doctor: Don't leave your shit lying around!
Vicki: I'm not performing free labour for you, Rockefeller!



Stephen: More like Cuckafellow.
Witch Doctor: You have learned all I can teach you. Please leave.



Witch Doctor: Bury this dead cat for me when you go.



Vicki: I'm miming blowing a taller man.
Witch Doctor: I'm very offended.



Witch Doctor: And very aroused.



Witch Doctor: I can see the sparkle of intelligence in your eyes.
Vicki: Oh yeah?
Witch Doctor: Which man's soul did you steal?



Stephen: If I get William a picture maybe the SCIA will raid this place.



Stephen: *ungh* come on!
Vicki: NO! I'm not leaving until he's dead!



Vicki: Yes! Your cooking is a good solution.



Witch Doctor: More like his-
Stephen and Vicki: Cucking.
Witch Doctor: Oh, wow! Haha! Great minds.



Vicki: Don't you love it when the sun comes out and the roof goes away?



Vicki: Stephen.
Stephen: I know.
Vicki: Stephen.
Stephen: I know.
Vicki: YOUR MACARONI MADE HIM STRONGER
Stephen: DO YOU THINK I CAN'T SEE THAT?!



Witch Doctor: I feed on your hate.
Stephen: He's internally consistent, at least.



Vicki: Do you think there's a reward if we kill him?
Stephen: You mean, like, a second reward?



Witch Doctor: Is this a piece of wood, or the ethnic and female characters from the new Star Wars films?!



Stephen: If we burn him to death we can spread his ashes in the sewers back home.
Vicki: No. That's how you get a Ghostbusters 2 situation.



Witch Doctor: I have things to say about soy.
Stephen: Even the hand doesn't want to hear them.



Witch Doctor: Well maybe my hand thinks your hand is gay.
Stephen: Both of my hands are bisexual.
Witch Doctor: I have to go.



Witch Doctor: Wait, was that... did he mean...

They masturbate and have sex, yes.

Witch Doctor: Tricky fuckers.



Stephen: Vicky fuckers.
Vicki: That's hot now my name is spelled.



...shit.

Blame the book.



Witch Doctor: I knew you couldn't resist me.
Vicki: I can't resist the urge to make sure you leave.



Witch Doctor: I'm sure there's something weird about having to leave my own home but I can't seem to put my finger on it.



Witch Doctor: Oh well, it's one of those blue mist days I guess.



Stephen: This has all the makings of a sitcom, Vicki.
Vicki: Oh god.
Stephen: Wacky costumes, wacky setting, wacky neighbour...
Vicki: We're burning it all down when we go.



Perhaps without even trying.



Yeah, I think this problem can take care of itself.



Whaaat.
Stephen: I don't know how to fix a TV and I'm not leaving this scene without some character development.



Vicki: I hope he stays gone this time.
Stephen: Yeah.
Vicki: He really creeps me out.
Stephen: Yeah.

Yeah.



Vicki: Man! It is so nice to just let loose and unwind for a change!

I'm enjoying it too. It's nice seeing you happy, after what I just did to an alternate version of you.

Vicki: Haha. Wait. What?



Yeah, that first book was basically about your serial killer days.

Vicki: Those were pretty short days.

It's a pretty long book.

Vicki: You never did know how to edit.



Stephen: I remember those days.
Vicki: I don't remember you from those days.
Stephen: I was, like, the main character.
Vicki: ...clearly you don't remember you from those days either.



I knew there was something missing here.



Stephen: Was it oxygen?



Stephen: I guess we could sleep in the tub.

I don't know if that happens in The Beverly Hillbillies, but it definitely happens in The Beverly Hillbillies.



If I made you want to go watch The Beverly Hillbillies just now, please don't. I don't want you blaming me for what happens.



Margaret: You said you were going out for some orange juice!
Stephen: They have orange juice here!



Stephen: My other wife is mad.
Vicki: Good to know.



Stephen: Now about that Vicky-
Vicki: Vicki.
Stephen: ...Vicki-fucking.



-sigh-



Stephen: ...what...?

I got sick of that haircut.

Stephen: You could have had me go to a mirror!

There aren't any mirrors here.

Stephen: There's mirrors back at the hotel!

I got really sick of that haircut.



Stephen: Oh hey, she's changed back too.

Oh hey, she is.

Vicki: Thanks for noticing, dudes.



Stephen: I've really enjoyed our adventure so far.
Vicki: Yeah, nothing like a Nazi to spice up the honeymoon.



This is as close to good cinematography as we're getting for a while.

Squint and try to enjoy it.



Stephen: Okay.



Vicki: He didn't mean you.
Stephen: Well, nobody else is reading this.

Very nearly true.



Vicki: Wow, that was officially too long a hug.



Stephen: It rains on the just and unjust alike.
Vicki: It's really unjust that it doesn't rain extra on the unjust.



*gross squishy sounds*



Vicki: Vir perpessus monstra conflator.
Stephen: What?
Vicki: "Liberals enduring Nazis liberalize."



Stephen: Too bloody right.



Vicki: Too bloody PREGNANT



Vicki: boo pregananant



Witch Doctor: They gone?

Yup.

Witch Doctor: Thank god. I can stop this fucking act.

Oh, you were pretending to have all those awful opinions?

Witch Doctor: No, I was pretending to want to talk to people.




Stephen: So, when can we check out?
Charles: Only before noon.
Stephen: And when can we leave?
Charles: Any time you like.
Stephen: Man, none of that sounds right.



Charles: ...JUST SIGN THE FUCKING BOOK



Stephen: I hope to come here again some time.
Vicki: Maybe for our anniversary.
Stephen: I meant just me.



Stephen: Ahehe.



Vicki: You're already planning on cheating on me, huh.
Stephen: The planning is at least half of the fun.



Unlike The Sims, where the planning is at least none of the fun.



For me, that is.

I have a friend whose favourite thing in World of Warcraft is figuring out the right prices for his auctions.



It's a diverse world, is what I'm saying.



Margaret: If the roaming charges are anything to go by, yeah.



Vicki: Who'd have thought I'd find true happiness with that?



Vicki: It was more likely I'd end up like this thing.

It was more likely you'd end up with that thing.

Flamingo: hey guys, i have feelings



Margaret: Hi ho!



Margaret: I had a fanfare written for your triumphant return but I lost my strumpet trumpet.



Vicki: Why you gotta be that way.



Margaret: I mean... I don't think my grievances are particularly cryptic.



Vicki: We're talking about Stephen Murphy. The Family Sim who can't have just one family.



Vicki: For all you know he spends his time teleporting between seven different houses, a prangent wife in every one!
Margaret: What's this misspelling joke we're doing?

I'll dig up a link eventually.



Vicki: Speaking of foompf.



Foompf.



Stephen: We shared that foompf. I'm trying to cut down on my emissions.
Margaret: Okay.
Stephen: We foompfpooled.
Margaret: Okay.



Stephen: Can you cut away before she beats me up?

Definitely not.



I know you were exonerated but that's no way for a former serial killer to walk around at night.



Vicki: I need some comfort food.

So do I. That's why I'm working on this today.



Stephen: So hey, you ever have one of those dates that ends in a grass skirt in another country?



Stephen: What I'm saying is holy shit, you.



Margaret: Say "Margaret."
Fiona: Mommy!
Margaret: Not the way things are shaking out, kid.



He's rehearsing.

He's going as Vince McMahon for Halloween.



Margaret: I'm gonna go as someone whose life has turned out the way they wanted it to.



Stephen: I used to have that big house over there.
Vicki: I was murdered a few doors down.
Stephen: Good times.



Stephen: This house used to belong to Penny!
Vicki: Did you fuck her here?
Stephen: No, I fucked her at that other big house over there, which I also used to have.
Vicki: You've lived too long.



Vicki: I need some time to sort out what just happened.
Stephen: It's pretty uncomplicated. We're married now.
Vicki: I am also married to William.
Stephen: We don't associate, I don't see the conflict.



Stephen: People always gotta complicate things.



I've heard of fitted sheets but this is ridiculous.







Margaret: I'm gonna make a voodoo doll of him.

Aw, I wish you'd told me that while we were on Twikkii.



Margaret: HOW CAN YOU ACT LIKE NOTHING HAS CHANGED?!
Stephen: I mean... has it? I've always been like this.



Margaret: You seduce your son's wife and then dump her?!
Stephen: Who's dumping anybody?
Margaret: So what, you're starting a wife collection then?



Stephen: Gotta catch 'em all?



Stephen: ...Pokémon?
Margaret: Time for you to travel across the land.



Stephen: I know it's my destiny.



Stephen: ♪ A heart so true! ♪

Get your hands off my feels.



Margaret: Christ, someone's knocking.



Margaret: COME OUT! THE DOOR'S OPEN!



This is either Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy or Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy. I'll let you know which is which when they become sentient.



This might be the other one.

Or it might not.



I'm so confused.



Baby: .oO(You think you're confused.)



I've missed that dress.

Margaret: I'll bet.



Margaret: Hmm. Two shallow graves, or make them share one?



You're talking about-

Margaret: Stephen and Vicky, right. Not the babies.

Thought I'd ask.

Oh, hey, it's spelled V-I-C-K-I, by the way.

Hmm...



FUCK.



Margaret: Yes! I do have a lot of nerve!



Margaret: I also have a lot of PROBLEMS.



Margaret: Hey baby.



Margaret: Hey baby.



Stewart: Wow! That was a blast from the WHEN YOU HADN'T FUCKED MY DAD YET



Stewart: So seeing as you've FUCKED MY DAD, don't do that again.



Stewart: There are magnets in your waist.
Margaret: And in your hands?
Stewart: Mom's a mad scientist. Who knows what she did.



Margaret: Oh, the mysteries of attraction.



Margaret: While we're stuck together, we might as well stick together.



Margaret: Heart fart b'gart.

Next time: some normal nonsense, in preparation for some paranormal nonsense.



This chapter depicts gameplay from 16 June 2012 to 17 June 2012.

Tags: clover county chronicles, ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, pine valley chronicles, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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