gruglysims (gruglysims) wrote,
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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 375


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which lines are crossed.



Ah, bolts of lightning. They give you super-speed if they make you fall into a shelf of chemicals!

They can also be used to travel through time, but they're kinda unreliable for that purpose.



Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: WE ARE THE LIGHTNING IN THIS RAIN



Margaret: I'm calling the cops.
Clarence Barrett the Good Warlock: That wasn't my fault! It was a magic backfire caused by the storm!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Warlock: I'm calling the magic cops.



Clarence Barrett the Warlock: Could you maybe call a magic ambulance first?



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Good Warlock: Uh... uh... just let me shake off this... lightning fluid... and I'll get right on that.



Clarence: Okay, okay, I can survive this. I'm an infallibly good warlock.

Are you sure about that?



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: I feel weird.

You pissed yourself.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: I've been pregnant, I've been a dormie, pissing myself is nothing new.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: Wait, Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the what?
Clarence: Ohhhhh no. My powers... resonate... at a frequency of...



Clarence: 1.21... gigawatts.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: Isn't it pronounced "jigowatt"?
Grugly Prime: Only if you're a technical advisor for a time travel movie.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: Don't tell me Back to the Future has inaccuracies in it. I can't handle that information.

Don't watch Avengers: Endgame, then.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: So wait. I just Freaky Fridayed that man's magic juice?



Brandi: Kill her too.



*sound of lightning, which doesn't actually make a sound*

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Y'all might want to stand away from anything magical while we're out here.



Shiloh: THAT BITCH JUMPED THE MAGIC POWERS LINE



Shane: I love bitches who say the word "bitch."



The Grim Reaper: OH, WOW, IT'S ONE OF THESE THINGS. THEY DON'T DIE VERY OFTEN. I BARELY REMEMBER HOW TO TARGET THEIR AFTERLIFE.
Kenya: There's more than one afterlife?
The Grim Reaper: SURE, I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETIME. YOU'RE JUST ABOUT RIPE YOURSELF.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: ♪ I think my broomstick knows which way to go ♪



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: ♪ Tell my husband fuck him very much ♪

He knows.



4...3...2...1...



♪ Earth below us ♪



♪ Drifting, falling ♪



♪ Floating weightless ♪



♪ Coming, coming, home ♪

Bernard: I've never heard that song before.



Kenya: Okay, which supernatural superheroes do I need to share this with...



Bernard: The Incredible Kisskin over here is already looped in.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Every goody-two-slippers death needs a proper celebration.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I might not have any fashion sense, but I do have a sense of occasion.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Poink!

...

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Okay, fine. Magus Mutatio! Happy now?



Shiloh: Yes!



Bernard: No!



Shiloh: Yes.



Bernard: ...me without my Geiger counter.



Shiloh: ♪ I'm... radioactive! ♪

No.

Shiloh: ♪ Radioactive! ♪

NO!



Welcome to the new outfit.



Shiloh: I have the perfect awful face for it.



Shiloh: Appearo Stormo!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: No.
Shiloh: Presto Raino!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: No.



Shiloh: Corruptus Locus!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Okay, you got lucky. Somehow.



Bernard: Pff. It's just rain. We're not gonna melt.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Gosh, the only thing I love more than rain is irony.



Kenya: I'mma go inside before I die of old cold.
Ryan: I'mma go with her.
Kenya: I don't need a sidekick, Rusty. SHIT! I've nicknamed you, it's already begun!



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Homo Desolati.
Shiloh: Ha ha! "Homo."



Bernard: Did you just invert my sexuality?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I'll grab your dick, you tell me if you like it.



Shiloh: I think you broke his brain.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I think I broke his atomic bonds!



Bernard: IT'S WHAT HE THINKS



Shiloh: ...what did you do?!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I tried to melt him, but it backfired a bit. I think I just... well... maybe avoid that bit of sidewalk for the next few minutes.



Bernard: Okay, listen carefully. I need you to put your hand in my mouth and pull me up by the palate.



Bernard: PREFERABLY SOOgggkkkgkgkg



Bernard: ...



Andrew: Man, hopefully I can find out what went wrong so I can do it intentionally next time.



Bernard: HUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHGGGG OKAY HANDS FREE LET'S DO THIS



Bernard: PLEAGKGKGKGKGK



Shiloh: I'm too grossed out to look and too not looking to help.



CRACK

Bernard: GRKK

CRUNCH

Bernard: HHHGGGK



SNAP



CRACKLE



Bernard: Pop!



Yes! Goodbye already! Jeez.



At least do a thumbs-up.



No sense of occasion.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: We can't all be perfect!



Count Alon: But some of you can.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: That gross blue man thinks you're perfect.
Shiloh: I only have eyes for gross green men.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: What's with your and backrubs?
Shiloh: Public handjobs are illegal.



Ichelle: Nice job serving and protecting.
Bambi: I'm a prison guard.
Ichelle: No man left behind, eh?
Bambi: THAT'S SOLDIERS OR SOMETHING



Shiloh: Maybe you should kill the other one, too.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You're really leaning into the whole "evil witch" thing.
Shiloh: Almost like you subtly altered my brain.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Almost, yeah.



Shiloh: I mean I think normally I'd be upset to see a man drown in solid pavement.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Well you're welcome for the de-pussification, then.



Shiloh: You'd better not have fucked with my pus-
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Okay, okay, back up.



Caryl: I hope none of this makes it onto our Welp! reviews.



The cops aren't doing anything, because they don't know Shiloh is half-black.



Okay I was going to continue my "cops are often racist" bit, but apparently Past Grugly is more interested in how this texture maps over tits.

Past Grugly: My choices are awkward and inscrutable!



Bambi: Definitely don't arrest the murderer or anything, definitely keep staring blankly at him.



Bambi: Shit, what am I doing, cops don't have enough imagination to understand sarcasm.



What does that smell like, anyway?

Shiloh: It smells like people who think the plural of "LEGO" is "legos."



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: The true essence of evil.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Ooh, helicopter shot!



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: This new season has a much bigger budget, apparently.



And terrible lip sync.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: How old are you?
Shiloh: Eighteen.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Like, "our actresses are all 18, honest" or, like, actually eighteen?
Shiloh: Actually eighteen.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Actually eighteen, like, "she told me she was actually 18," or, like, legally eighteen?
Shiloh: Legally eighteen. But hey. Aren't you supposed to be evil?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: There's evil, baby, and then there's gross.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: If you're eighteen, how come you've got no ass?
Shiloh: Because the category "teenager" covers the years from 11 to, potentially, over 20 in this game-slash-setting.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I'm super sorry I asked.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I forget what I was sorry about.



Shiloh: Is this really me?

It's really you. You're just evil now.

Shiloh: That seems like a contradiction of free will.

You freely chose to become evil.

Shiloh: This is why nobody likes philosophy.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: This is why everybody likes this!



My Sims 2-fu wasn't good enough in 2012 to simulate the effects of a car running them down, unfortunately.

Look forward to the future.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I'm content with the present, at present.



Ryan: You must be this tall to ride the warlock.



Aiyana: The lineup starts here.



Shiloh: Good luck with that, I've got a whole hatful of tickets.



Shiloh: Faster! FASTER!



Ryan: Do they have any tamer rides? I have a weak stomach.



Shane: Why aren't you watching the weird sex thing?
Oliver: I have lots of weird sex things at home.



Aiyana: Interest you in a virility potion, dearie?



Aiyana: A blind date?



Aiyana: Maybe a spot of baby-stealing?



Aiyana: THAT'S A NO THEN



Aiyana: Your honesty is refreshing.



Aiyana: My underwear is disgusting.



Shiloh: I honestly wasn't sure if your dick would be green, too.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: It's an evil dick.
Shiloh: So that's why it didn't wait for me to finish.





Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I love the cheap use of bad camera angles to disguise height difference problems.



Shiloh: Wanna come back to my place?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You have a place?
Shiloh: With murder magic on my side, I can have any place I want.



Shiloh: It's my turn to give you a ride.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I don't like women drivers.
Shiloh: Evil?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Evil.



Shiloh: Fine, carpooling is for do-gooders anyway.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Yeah, I'm obviously not looking to curb my emissions any.



Shiloh: I either have to buy a seat or some lube for this thing.



Shiloh: Leaning towards lube.




Rebecca: Did you start a new plotline without me?!



Shiloh: Would you believe...
Rebecca: Whatever it is, probably not.



Shiloh: Wanna check out my-
Rebecca: -gross naked waif-bod? No thanks.



Subjecting your friends to unwanted nudity is pretty evil.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Such pretty evil.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: So pretty I can't even look directly at it.



Rebecca: I realize that the space I am occupying is the only space in the entire universe, but did you know that the space I am occupying IS NOT THE ONLY SPACE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE?!



Shiloh: She's just mad because she used to be the worse one.



Rebecca: I can out-bad you any day, scrawnykins.
Shiloh: Bet you can't!
Rebecca: I'll beat up your dad!
Shiloh: Fuck my dad!
Rebecca: You're on!



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Not a fan of the pink drywall, but it'll all slough off soon anyway.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Not a fan of toddlers, but yeah, same story.



Shiloh: Hey! This looks terrible.



Shiloh: I'm finally the creature of darkness I've always wanted to be.

Always, as in, like, for the space of two chapters.

Shiloh: It's not my fault that those two chapters contain the bulk of my characterization.



Shiloh: I hope there's lots of sex spells.



Carolina: I suppose it's too late to make this a heartwarming story about childbirth.

It is, thank god.



Rebecca: Weird, I thought you only shit out your mouth.



Oh good, you've learned the spell for "melt your own hand off."

Shiloh: Manus desolati, if you're wondering.



Shiloh: Maybe there's something in here that'll grow me some real genitals.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: There isn't, but there's lots of spells for stealing other people's.

Evil?

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Evil.



Carolina: I don't know what you're cooking for dinner, Lisa, but it smells like rotten dick.



Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You rang?

Next time: it's magic, you know.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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