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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 380


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which gambits accumulate.



Man, Andrew looks cool.




Okay, okay, what's wrong with my settings.



Sheesh.



"Penny": I think there's still something up with the shadows.



Arcadia: It's nice to be acknowledged.



What're you doing here?

Lance: I dunno, I needed some inspiration so I thought I'd remind myself how cool death is.



Lance: And also take a piss.



Arcadia: I think there's still something up with the lights.



Lance: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
"Penny": Just keeping you on your pointed toes.



Lance: Who the fuck...?
"Penny": I'm who you are in the dark.



Lance: So, you're a corporeal manifestation of evil?
"Penny": Most people are.



"Penny": I'm just more creative with it than most.



"Penny": I was gonna kidnap some yokels. You want in?
Lance: As long as I end up outside the bag.



Victor: Okay, I've got it. Now help me pull it down.



"Penny": Oof, that landing's hard on the legs.

Maybe because you keep teleporting instead of walking.

"Penny": In my defense...

Yes, if I could teleport, I wouldn't walk anywhere, point taken.



"Penny": I was gonna say, in my defense, teleporting at least requires some exercise.
Lance: How do you know magic isn't physically exhausting?
"Penny": Is it?
Lance: No, but how do you know?



Emmy: Oh god, this is what the Republicans were afraid of.



"Penny": It's not him you need to be worried about.
Emmy: Let me guess. You're actually-
"Penny": A different woman than I appear to be.
Emmy: That's what I was gonna guess.



Emmy: I don't get any points for not being a homophobe?



Lance: We're evil. Rewarding virtue's not our thing.



Penny: Okay, that's one. Nex-

WHACK

Jizelle: Oo, moan amy!



"Penny": Not a fucking word.
Lance: snrk



"Penny": ...you take this. For a second. Just... a.... second...



Jizelle: Pork wa?



WHACK

Jizelle: Sucré blouse!



Lance: She's getting worse.

Or I'm doing her worse.



Lance: ...phrasing.



Jizelle: If I admit I'm not French, will you call a doctor? I think I just dented my brain.



"Penny": Okay, I'm good. I'm good. Let's have that back.
Lance: What if I want to hang on to it?
"Penny": You ever been punched by entropy before?



Lance: I think you mean ENTROPY, the evil organization of evil.
"Penny": No, I mean entropy, the measure of disorder in a system.
Lance: What's that got to do with anything?
"Penny": You're looking at it.



"Penny": By how green you're glowing, I'd say you're a man who appreciates a little chaos.
Lance: Little Chaos is what I named my penis.

Where did THAT come from?

Lance: ...I mean, most dudes have penises...

THE BOOKSHELF



"Penny": Wanna go back to my place and check out my Murphy collection?



"Penny": Some of them are Price-Murphies or Spring-Murphies, but personally I think they count.



"Penny": ...man. She walked through that bookcase like a car through a Murphy kid!



"Penny": I don't like to be predictable, but it's hard to pass up a good target of opportunity.



"Penny": grumble mumble stupid magic secret agents grumble mumble stupid traitor magic secret agents grumble mumble



Arcadia: I'm not magic, science did this. And you ENTROPY fucks brainwashed me! It took ten inches of Sharpe dick to reverse it.



"Penny": Nobody asked for your backstory, blackface.



Arcadia: It's more of an oilface, really.



William: Haha, I'm oblivious.



"Penny": Okay handsome, you take the one with the bad hair, I'll take the one with the bad everything else.
Lance: When do I get the one with the good hair and the good everything else?
"Penny": Evil business first, then evil pleasure.



Lance: Who are we kidding? Evil business is evil pleasure.



"Penny": It's nice to find a kindred soulless.



William: So when do I get to meet this new girlfriend of yours?
Victor: You might already have met her!
William: Yuck. I hope not, for your sake.



William: I've fucked, like, every woman I've met.



Lance: Do you think I should, like, murder her, or, like, put her in a stew?
"Penny": Do what your heart tells you to, man.



Lance: Murder stew.
"Penny": A heart after my own heart.



"Penny": Don't let her wake up, though. She seems pretty useless, but she is the Zombie Queen's mom, so who knows.
Lance: Whaaaat.



Jizelle: Ouaaaaaaat.



Lance: So, you a chloroform girl or a sleeping potion junkie?



William: I'm just happy you met someone.
Nick: Does she put out?
Victor: Better! She lets me put in.



Lance: I should carry one of those gift sacks, or a garbage bag. A garbage bag! Yeah.




FOOMPF

"Penny": I wonder how many jumps I can make before reality implodes?

We'll know when the game crashes.



WHACK

"Penny": New question: how many jumps can I make before my hip implodes?



"Penny": You wouldn't think carrying two extra people would make a difference to the difficulty of reality-tearing, but it does.
Jizelle: Eetz my vault, I hate too many crepes for lonch.
"Penny": SANDY.
Jizelle: ...Daizy?!
"Penny": SANDY.
Jizelle: Yeah?
"Penny": NO MORE FRENCH, SANDY.



"Penny": Veil-rending, I can do. Bad French, bad French is too much.



Jizelle: I'd be better at it if you'd kidnapped a French teacher for me.



FOOMPF

Jizelle: Voompf.




Arcadia: My... head...
"Penny": Say "hi" to the mall walkers, if you can see them.



"Penny": Okay, where's my ride?

You're getting a ride?

"Penny": I'd have to teleport, like, a kilometre to get where I'm going from here. There's no more community lots on the way. I don't mind losing my mind, but I'm sure as fuck not gonna fuck up my body.



"Penny": "m here where r u"



"Penny": Evil is in the details.



Chandler: Bad grammar's pretty bad, even for you.




"Penny": Behold!
Chandler: The temple of all evil!



Chandler: We got a very good price for it.



"Penny": This is somewhat less secure than I'd expected.
Chandler: Is it the windows?
"Penny": It's the windows, yeah.



"Penny": How's she doing?
Chandler: Oh, you know. I haven't heard any complaints.



"Penny": Funny.



Chandler: How long you want me to keep her Walt Disneyed?
"Penny": A little while longer. Also that's a myth.
Chandler: No, Walt Disney's real. They named a land after him and everything.



Penny: ♪ Someday... you'll... pay... the... price... ♪



"Penny": I know.
Chandler: She should've sung something from Frozen. What with the Disney reference.

I don't know anything from Frozen.



"Penny": Got another couple of beds?
Chandler: Just one. Which should I keep?
"Penny": Enh, flip a coin.



Chandler: Maybe I'll get lucky and one of them will be rude.



Arcadia: What is your entire deal?
Chandler: I'll settle for unfriendly.



Jizelle: WHAT is THAT?
Chandler: You women, always criticizing each others' appearances.



Jizelle: I might be fake French, but I'm real hero.



Jizelle: Hi-YA!
Chandler: Bitch. Where do you think you got your super-powers from?



Chandler: All those CROISSANTS you eat?



Chandler: Entropy punch.



Jizelle: Do you mean ENTROPY, the evil organization of evil?
Chandler: Nope.



Chandler: ENTROPY means me.



Jizelle: I don't mean to alarm you, but there's a corpse in the produce section.



Arcadia: Alarm... alarm...



Jizelle: MAN, you hit me hard!
Chandler: I was trying to knock some French into you.



Chandler: Not that you'll be needing that cover anymore. Or any covers.
Jizelle: I'd like some covers, if I'm gonna be frozen.
Chandler: Wouldn't that defeat the purpose?



Jizelle: I was hoping you wouldn't notice.



Chandler: ...that's a new one.



Chandler: Haha, oh man, I am super dead.
Jizelle: You're scared of some goth cop?
Chandler: You still think that's Penny Spring walking around? Did you not see who was in the freezer just now?
Jizelle: I mean, without the hair and makeup it's just another generic Sim, dude.



Arcadia: Yeah, we can't all be distinctive, like you.



Arcadia: Let's see if I can match your style.



Chandler: This isn't... I don't...
Arcadia: Shh. Molecules... almost aligned...



Arcadia: Aaaaand squeeze.



Wow, did they come with the car?



Chandler: Ack... ack...!
Arcadia: Yyyyyoooooou... miiiiiight...
Jizelle: Want to take this chance to escape, got it.



Chandler: You're... killing...!
Arcadia: Us. Yes.



Emmy: Man, now the cops are gonna come.
Tiffany: Lighten up! More business!



Chandler: Death! Is... only-
Arcadia: I think... you'll find... death...



Arcadia: ...is enough.



Jizelle: Heroic sacrifice whaaaat



Jizelle: Last-second escape whaaaat



The Grim Reaper: I DON'T HAVE A FORM FOR THIS.



Arcadia: I'm having... some trouble... with form... myself...



Arcadia: Tell William I'm



Jizelle: I think I can officially say that science has gone too far at this point.



The Grim Reaper: Aren't you French?
Jizelle: God, am I still? Is my cover intact? What's even happening.



The Grim Reaper: THANKFULLY, SHOCK KNOWS WHAT TO DO.



Feet: I don't know how thankful I'd be.



Jizelle: ...ahem hem... 'oo are yoo?



Jizelle: Honh honh honh, Frenchy French French.



Jizelle: Aww what the fuck.



Good news! The cops did come.



Nerissa: Wee-ooo wee-ooo wee-ooo.



Nerissa: Into the cooler you go.



Nerissa: I wonder if anyone'll want to impersonate her?

She's already impersonating someone else. Someone else who doesn't otherwise exist.

Nerissa: Yeah, this story must be super fun for everyone who isn't you.



Jizelle: .oO(♪ Baby, I'm cold inside ♪)




Angelica: .oO(Maybe if I think about it SUPER HARD, I'll end up in a different story.)



Lance: You know that feeling when you're a green-skinned evil warlock and you see a mulleted redneck in a kimono drove past you in a sports car?

No.

Lance: I'm having that feeling.



"Penny": I can give you better ones.



"Penny": Come check out this house I stole!
Lance: Who stole the roof?

I'M SORRY ALRIGHT



I'm fuckin' trying.



Stewart: I'm tryin' FUCKIN'



"Penny": Just a sec, gotta hit him while his action queue is full.



Stewart: Shit shit. "Cry," don't need that. "Slap," don't need THAT...



Stewart: "Listen to MP3 Player," don't need...



Lance: Nice! A new Murphy for your collection, mint out of box.
"Penny": And I've got just the box for it.



FOOMPF

Stewart: "FOOMPF"?



WHACK

"Penny": I should install a camera so I can look at all these.

Why not put them somewhere with windows?

"Penny": Are you kidding? Sunlight reduces their shelf life!



"Penny": A true collector knows that a true collection must be enjoyable to absolutely no-one.



Victor: Hey thing, how's it thingin'.



Lance: ♪ Fuck me a lady toniiiight ♪



Stewart: Fuck me in general.



Stewart: I'm the chief butt monkey of the butt monkey family.



Stewart: ...except apparently they've all caught up with me?



Stewart: It's happened. The eugenecists have taken over, and they've looked at our genes, and they know what we've always known.



Stewart: I don't wanna be sterilized!



Stewart: Or killed, I guess. But sterilization scares me more.



Stewart: Who the fuck is THAT GUY.



Stewart: Why are you all fuckin' NAKED.
Wendell: I'm writing a fanfic about Nathaniel as a bigfoot.
Stewart: Why are you all fuckin' WEIRD.



Stewart: WHY ARE THESE CHAIRS SO BAD



Lance: Gettin' awful yelly down there.
"Penny": Acceptance is a late stage.



Stewart: NIECE TITS ARE NEVER ACCEPTABLE



Angelica: ...oh! Did you have all this in your inventory?
Stewart: I can't use it, though!
Angelica: Why not?
Stewart: The chairs are bugged out!
Wendell: THE CHAIRS ARE BUGGED OUT



Angelica: You're both bugged out.
Stewart: SIT ON ME



Stewart: ...sit on me? Oh god, it's contagious.



Stewart: I am so fucked.
Angelica: Fuck YEAH!



Emerson: Gross stuff in the nude!



Angelica: Yup!



Stewart: "Listen to MP3 Player" it is. ♪ And in the hills.com, and in the hills.com, and in the hills.com... ♪



Emerson: Can I punch you in the boob?
Angelica: ...no?



Emerson: Can I punch you in the cooter?
Angelica: ...oh god, did you never get sex ed?



"Penny": We'll make him a video.



Lance: I've never met someone as evil as you before.
"Penny": Aww, thanks! You never will again.



"Penny": Be good while I'm at work, popsicle!



Andrew: .oO(♪ Closing the door, you leave the world behind ♪)

Come on, dude. I looked it up and everything.

Andrew: .o(Fine. ♪ The cold never bothered me anyway / It's funny how some distance / Makes everything so small / And the fears that once controlled me / Can't get to me at all ♪)



Angelica: ...don't look at that.



Lance: Man, this has been one delightful robbery.



"Penny": It was sweet of him to wait for me to leave first. Wise, too.



Felicia: ...I was gonna drop off a magic lamp, but I see you already have one.



Felicia: OHHHH, wait! It's a SCIENCE lamp! YOU'RE magic.



Weren't you just the carpool driver?

Berjes: I drive fast.



Berjes: Alright kids, time to hop on!



Berjes: Kids?



Felicia: Nobody home? Robbery time!



Felicia: I'll leave them some shit antique as payment.



These things are supposed to be symbols of success.

I guess it must be for Cecilia.



Because this sure doesn't look like the "arduous paths of excellence" to me.



Lance: I dunno, I'd find this hard to improve upon.

Next time: gypsies, tramps and thieves.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 21 June 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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