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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 387


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which a Price has its power.



Get it.



Lance: Alright, being cool with no audience is no fun.

Tell me about it.



Sunny: It's good to see you doing so well.
Kyle: I'm wasting my life. I just dress nicely when I go out.
Sunny: Yes, and it's good to see.



The Grim Reaper: THAT ONE? SERIOUSLY? WOW, OKAY. I HOPE YOU HAVE A THERAPIST HANDY.



The Grim Reaper: AND SOME CLOTHES



Shiloh: The clothes I can do without.



Lance: And the therapy?
Shiloh: We'll play it by ear.



Lance: I'll play with any body part you give me, baby.



I guess this is the principle behind catholicdatefinder.com or whatever the fuck



Lance: Stow that noise, I didn't bring you back to talk about normie shit.



Shiloh: That's fair, fuck normie shit.



Shiloh: Fuck it up the aaaaaaaaaaassssss



Shiloh:And the ghosts are comin'



Sunny: Do you like bathtubs?
Kyle: Bathtubs are alright.
Sunny: Yeah... they are, aren't they?

How am I ever gonna novelize this shit.



Lance: I liked what you were wearing before.
Shiloh: I wasn't wearing any-
Lance: Yeah, she gets it!



Shiloh: She gives it, too! Try her.



Lance: Be a good apprentice and don't start any broom-related apocalypses while I'm gone.



Shiloh: "The book is closed," no it's not. "The door is shut," no it's not! This creepy poem doesn't apply to my situation.



Haven't found a magic replacement for the Energizer?

Lance: It's generated out of currency generated out of life success. How much more magic could it even get?



Lance: I wonder if I could conjure a falling piano.



Sunny: Look, a shooting star!
Kyle: It's daytime.
Sunny: A crashing plane, then.

I make no apologies for timing, that's the joke which goes there.



Lance: Find anything interesting?
Sunny: All this magic stuff needs to be updated to appeal to a modern audience.



Lance: I didn't bring you back to be an audience. I brought you back to be a reagent.



Lance: There's a creepy poem in there about a book.
Shiloh: I read it.
Lance: The book is real. I want the book.
Shiloh: The poem book.
Lance: ...yes, the poem book. Not the book I clearly have, the book you read the poem in.



Sunny: What's wrong?
Kyle: Uh, cement?



Sunny: You're supposed to catch me.
Kyle: I wasn't consulted.



Lance: From what I can gather, there are two "keys" to this book.
Shiloh: Evil keys!
Lance: And they're actually people.
Shiloh: Evil people!
Lance: Yes.



Shiloh:Stop cummin' in the yolk



Shiloh: I wish our kisses lined up.
Kyle: I'm okay with it.
Shiloh: Of course you are, you're mostly gay.
Kyle: I'm ogay with it.



Lance: Be my evil person key.



Shiloh: What do I have to do?
Lance: There's some chanting, and some cauldron work, and some sexual magic.
Shiloh: DIBS



Lance: The sexual magic is for both of us.
Shiloh: How romantic! Awkwardly-phrased, but romantic.



Their lips STILL DON'T LINE UP



Just keep telling yourself "At least it's not TS3, where nothing is animated."



Shiloh: Appearances to the contrary, that was a good kiss!



Lance: You're in good shape. That's good.
Shiloh: By definition.



Sunny: I'm gonna do some pointless art instead of improving myself.

Yeah, me too.



Warlocks? More like lovelocks.



Shiloh: Make love magic, not war magic.



Lance: Why not both?



What does the green shit smell like, anyway?

Shiloh: That multicoloured toothpaste.

Really?

Shiloh: Yeah.

...neat!



Shiloh: He could still do with a brushing, though.



Lance: You've got a tongue, don't you?



Shiloh: Ew.



Lance: The book is closed.
Shiloh: The door is shut.
Lance: The empty black between.
Shiloh: Words words words.
Lance: Those aren't your lines.
Shiloh: It's as far as I've seen.



Shiloh: I mean, it was an open book telling me about a closed book, I wasn't super into it.



Lance: Guess we'll have to start again.



Shiloh: I have the strongest image of you dumping me into a cauldron right now.
Lance: Don't be silly, my cauldron is only baby-sized.



Lance: Specifically.



Shiloh: So what's in this book you want so bad?
Lance: Power.
Shiloh: What kind of power?
Lance: Why would that matter?



Shiloh: Because sometimes power is only temporary?



Shiloh: And then everyone hates you?



Shiloh: Even your friends?



Shiloh: So anyway, let's try that cauldron work you were talking about. I've often been called a pot-stirrer, myself.



Shiloh: Or we could go get you some mouthwash.



Lance: Or I could turn you into a frog.



Shiloh: Can you actually do that?
Lance: I don't know! You'd probably just die.



Shiloh: Been there, done that.



Shiloh: "The keys are fit," yep, we're both jacked... "The lock unwinds," what kind of a lock unwinds...



I got idea man

Lance: Evil music, check!



♪ You take me for a walk ♪

Shiloh: Did you just drop my MP3 player in there?
Lance: Yes.
Shiloh: Did you lift my MP3 player while we were snogging?!
Lance: Yes.



♪ Under the sycamore trees ♪

Lance: Close enough.



♪ The dark trees that blow, baby ♪



Sunny: Who's blowing a baby?



♪ In the dark trees that blow ♪

Sunny: My painting is getting sucked into the ceiling!

It's probably fine.



♪ And I'll see you ♪

Shiloh: My nose feels funny.

Just your nose?

Shiloh: Yeah, the rest of me feels not funny.



♪ And you'll see me ♪

Shiloh: Oh what the FUCK



♪ And I'll see you in the branches that blow... in the breeze... ♪

Stinky Skunk: That's no breeze.



fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz CRACK

Lance: I'll buy you a new one. I'm surprised it lasted that long!
Shiloh: It wanted to hear the end of the song.



Shiloh: I kinda want to hear the end of the poem.



Shiloh: The last line is missing.
Lance: It can't be read. It has to be felt.
Shiloh: Man, evil is way cooler than good.



Lance: I made you a drink.
Shiloh: What is it?
Lance: Uh... Pepsi.
Shiloh: I love Pepsi!

They are evil.



Shiloh: And loving it.



Shiloh: What's this do anyway?
Lance: Drink it and don't find out!



Shiloh: I guess this would be a pretty elaborate setup just to roofie a girl.



Shiloh: Ow, I felt that right in my Niceness.



Shiloh: In related news I don't have any Niceness now?



Lance: Where you going?
Shiloh: Wherever I want, asshole.
Lance: Well, it definitely worked.



Shiloh: Good, it lists them by last name! "the Atrociously Evil Warlock" shouldn't be a very common one.



Shiloh: "Toby Kauker" is also not incredibly common.

His name isn't, you mean. He's pretty common, as Sims go.



Sunny: I think you should do a poll and see if any Sim resurrected in the last ten years is happy to be back.



Sunny: I think I know what you'd discover.



Shiloh: WHAT'S IN THE BOOK
Lance: Forbidden knowledge!
Shiloh: WILL YOU SHARE IT
Lance: Probably not!



Shiloh: WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME
Lance: Scrambled your personality, then dropped your Niceness to zero.
Shiloh: MEN



Lance: Supermen.



Lance: I'm super.



Shiloh: Everything special about you can be taken away with something that comes out of a bottle!

Not quite as pithy as what you're quoting.

Shiloh: WHO'S QUOTING ANYTHING



Lance: I knew I should've just made some enchanted broom minions.



Shiloh: FUEL MY RAGE



Shiloh: Aw, I can't stay angry with someone that evil!



Shiloh: I can let him do all the work, though, while I fuck around.



Lance: She thinks so, does she.



Lance: Hey hot stuff, break's over.
Shiloh: I think I'm gonna take off home.
Lance: There you go, thinking again.



Lance: You need to clear your mind of all distractions. Rather, I need to clear your mind of all distractions.



Shiloh: Is this something I can, like... dodge?



Lance: Yeah, not so much.



Shiloh: Then I might as well get comfortable, you're taking a long time to wind up.



Lance: Tabula Rasa.



Shiloh: Ooh, pretty!



Shiloh: Hahaha where am I.



Shiloh: Hahaha who am I?!



Shiloh: Hahaha.
Lance: Hahaha.



Lance: You are my familiar. Your name is... Renfield? No. BOB? No. Uh... MILCHAMAH.
MILCHAMAH: In all caps, like that?
Lance: No.
Milchamah: Okay.



Milchamah: Am I your only familiar?
Lance: Uh... let's go with no. I have two.
Milchamah: And what does a familiar do?
Lance: Whatever I tell it to.
Milchamah: That's too bad, I can feel a pretty decent brain rattling around in my skull.



Milchamah: What is thy bidding, my master?
Lance: There is a great disturbance in the force.
Milchamah: What?
Lance: I couldn't resist, never mind.



Lance: I want you to change for me, Sh- Milchamah.
Milchamah: From what, into what?
Lance: From a thinker to a doer.



Milchamah: Is that a euphemism for someone who has sex?
Lance: In this case, yes.
Milchamah: This strikes me as an evil act.
Lance: Shit, I keep forgetting I wiped your- I mean, I keep forgetting you're brand new and you don't know things. I, Lance, am evil. And so are you.
Milchamah: Well that clears things up, then! Let's get started.



Lance: Actually I changed my mind. Go for Knowledge.
Milchamah: Why?
Lance: Because forcing you to be a Romance Sim makes the opening words of Law and Order: SVU ring out in my head.



Lance: I think forcing someone to be smart is okay.



Lance: I wonder if that thing's ever been linked to brain cancer.



Lance: Maybe I'll yank your brain out and test it some day.



Wait, what are you...?

Lance: Setting a good example.



Milchamah: Go Team Smarts!



Sunny: Hi! The fuck are you.



Milchamah: You must be the other familiar he mentioned.
Sunny: The WHAT



Milchamah: No, I'm sure I've never heard of a "Shiloh."



Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Ohhh, I know what happened. He Tabula Rasa'd you.
Milchamah: No! I'm still a virgin, I swear!



Lance: Ask him if he's got the switch. DO YOU HAVE THE SWITCH?
Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: No, just an old Xbox.



Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Why does he want the switch?
Milchamah: I dunno, what is it?
Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: A powerful artifact of evil.
Milchamah: Oh! Well, then, it's because he's evil.



Lance: Okay, so... she's a key, I'm a key... reagents prepared... mood lighting is... moody...



Lance: The book is closed.



Milchamah: The door is shut.



Lance: The empty black between.



Milchamah: The keys are fit.



Lance: The lock unwinds.



THE SILENCE IN THE SCREAM



Lance: Dramatic!



Milchamah: Can I call you back? There's some weird silence/screaming combo going on upstairs.



Lance: Do you know who I am?

NO

Lance: Oh. Well-

I KNOW WHO YOU WILL BE



Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I'm coming over. If you see a scary book, don't sass it.



Warlocks!

Feared denizens of darkness!

Sadistic masters of the underworld!



Milchamah: Man's got a right to a warm coat in winter!



Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Right? I'm evil, not cold.



Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: This is the switch.
Milchamah: Awesome! What games does it play?
Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Oh, you'll see.



Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I'm gonna get as far away as possible now.
Milchamah: I'm gonna not think about that too closely!



Milchamah: Oh MAN! You are VISIBLY eviller than when last I saw you, and it is HOT!



Lance: Did Toby give you the switch?
Milchamah: Yes! Unless that's a euphemism for something, in which case probably not.



Sunny: Everything's a euphemism for something, around here.

Next time: a friendly outing.

That's a euphemism for something.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 24 June 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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