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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 399


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which point that thing someplace else.



This would be a more sensible name for the brothel household.



Lyndsey: Hey Leonard, what do you call it when Lyndsey Price was raised by other children, ate dog food, and learned to speak from a toy, but is pretty much alright now?
Leonard: ...what?
Lyndsey: THE PRICE IS FIXED!
Leonard: ...what?



Kelsey: How hard did you try to find a natural way to make that joke?

Not very hard, honestly.



Kelsey: That's my kind of trying!



Lyndsey: Just a sec, I think Kelsey's eating garbage.



Lyndsey: And burying her poop.



Lyndsey: NO NOT REALLY



Lyndsey: He what?
Leonard: Yeah, they saw him all green and talking to a book on a roof.
Lyndsey: You're sure it was Lance?
Leonard: He had a cowcatcher chin, but he was dressed too shabby for a Sharpe.



Lyndsey: Lance has been... uh... different, since we were kids. And he murdered a butler.
Leonard: I thought you said he murdered two butlers.
Lyndsey: No, I think each brother got one butler each.



Lyndsey: The first one murdered our mom, so Lewis pushed him down the stairs.
Leonard: Fair enough.



Lyndsey: The second one... I dunno, that was weird.



And then Lance did something you never saw, and he doesn't seem to even remember.

Lyndsey: Which was?

Pff. We're into creating secrets around here, not revealing them.



Lyndsey: Anyway yeah Lance freaks me out which is why I'm living next to the power plant and not in the mansion I kinda own.



♪ Lovely Chrissy, mail maid! ♪



Lyndsey: I think we're losing him again.



♪ When it gets light, deliver my heart today ♪



Gavin: I was always a Stones guy, myself.



Lyndsey: Grats on fuckin'!



Kelsey: Hey girl, you too!



Kelsey: We should fuck more often!



Lyndsey: No time like all the time.



Kelsey: Hey, is this Nick?
Nick: That would explain why I have his cellphone.



Leonard: I thought I was fuckin' the other one.
Lyndsey: Well I thought variety is the spice of life!



Leonard: Yeah, she's spicy enough I guess.



Lyndsey: My brother died under mysterious circumstances.
Leonard: Hahaha date talk!



Lyndsey: And also apparently my other brother did something terrible I don't know about.
Leonard: Ominous!



Lyndsey: So I'm guessing he turned my dad into a girl.



Leonard: That's not something terrible. You're something terrible.



Lyndsey: Fuck you.
Leonard: Okay.



Kelsey: Yeah, I think we're boyfriend-swapping today.
Nick: Are there more like you two, or were you a limited series?



Lyndsey: So, you're married.
Leonard: Enh.



I know someone who used to say "Married, not dead."

Leonard: I've been dead, too.

So has she.



Lyndsey: Yay dead people talk!
Leonard: Well, I mean, most people are dead.



Bitches love morbidity.



Kelsey: Yeah, looks like we're doing makeouts and shit today. Maker must be feeling lonely.

Only ALL THE TIME



Kelsey: Why don't you come over! Why haven't you already come over? WHY ARE WE NOT COMING? Over!



Kelsey: Bring condoms.



Kelsey: And yourself.



Kelsey: Here's our last condom. Nick's bringing more.
Leonard: Why the huge box?
Kelsey: You've been in my box, it's not that huge.



Leonard: Hahaha gross.



Kelsey: It's, like, the least gross euphemism.



Nick: Y'all doing euphemisms here, or the real thing?



Kelsey:I am the real thing
Nick: Ooh mow ma mow!



Lyndsey: You're what kind of cock?



Lyndsey: Yes, I'm Lyndsey Price. Who's asking? The atrociously evil what?
Leonard: Hang up, it's a thaumamarketer.



Kelsey: So yeah, my fake mom kidnapped me from my real mom.
Nick: My real mom killed your fake mom before she was your fake mom.
Kelsey: We're really starting to feel those three hundred and ninety-nine chapters, huh?

It's actually over four hundred, there's some anomalies in there.



Kelsey: Anyway she's not a main character now, because she died in a car explosion.
Nick: She's, like, the main villain. I'm sure she didn't die in a car explosion.
Kelsey: Maybe there's a new main villain!
Nick: Sure, we're course-changing the plot NINE YEARS IN.



Bitches love it when you dismiss their opinions.



Kelsey: Maybe sometimes a bitch just wants to get laid.



Lance Price the Damned: And bastards just wanna lay people out!



Kelsey: In, out, you can lay me anywhere, green meanie.



Lance Price the Damned: Green meanie! I love it.



Lance Price the Damned: I'll come back for you.
Nick: Don't bother.



Lance Price the Damned: The real bother's in here.



Leonard: The real brother's in here.
Lyndsey: You mean the live brother.
Leonard: Yeah, but that would've disrupted the wordplay chain.



Lyndsey: I appreciate your commitment to prose, if not your commitment to warning me in a timely and coherent manner.



Lyndsey: Magic's not real if you don't believe in it.



Lance Price the Damned: I've got eight black inches that might disagree OKAY LET ME REPHRASE THAT.



Leonard: LOOK OUT, HE'S GOT A PEN



Lyndsey: No, he doesn't.



Leonard: WHAAAAT



Lance Price the Damned: WHAAAAT



Leonard: Lyndsey just shot way ahead in the hotness race.



Nick: Why bother comparing when you can just have both?



Leonard: Why bother having both when you can have an anti-magic guard dog?



Kelsey: Why bother with this conversation when there's much better things we could be doing with our mouths?



Lyndsey: You're lucky I didn't stick those eight black inches up your ass!
Lance Price the Damned: Are you absolutely certain that you didn't?



Lance Price the Damned: I can still get you chased by bees, you know.



Lyndsey: Bee gone.



Doing stupid shit on the road while Leonard is right there, a living memory of how much fun it is to run a Sim over with a car, is a real test of my forebearance, man.



Leonard: I don't remember it being all that fun.



Lance Price the Damned: Okay, so! Stop to collect the consolation prize, or fuck off with my broom between my legs?



Lance Price the Damned: Lance Price the Cowardly it is.



Lance Price the Damned: Maybe there's a tutorial online about how to make your own evil wand of death.



Lance Price the Damned: Or maybe she'll try using it, crater her house, and I can come get it back later.



Lance Price the Damned: Or maybe I'm just fucked.



Lyndsey: When in doubt, go with getting fucked.



Leonard: Okay, wanna toss a coin for who gets the bedroom?



Leonard: Instead of tossing my girlfriend?



Lyndsey: Fuck it, let's all toss.



Lyndsey: Oh yeah baby, pay that life debt.



Lyndsey: That sounded like a line from a Chewbacca/Han Solo slash fic.



Kelsey: I'm not really into monogamy.
Nick: I've never even met anyone who is.



Kelsey: Yeah, but, you see, my mom is actually locally famous for her loose sexual morals.
Nick: In this neighbourhood?!
Kelsey: Exactly.



Lyndsey: Let's get dickical.



Lyndsey: Alternatively you could keep checking on Kick and Nelsey like a fuckin' weirdo.



Leonard: "Kick and Nelsey?" At least give them a proper couple nickname, like "Kicksey."



Or "Lyndsard."



Leonard: That's like... the Leonard Lizard, or something!
Lyndsey: I know what "Leonard Lizard" is a nickname for.



Leonard: Are you prepared to receive the Leonard Lizard?



You could at least pretend to be happy about it.

Lyndsey: Why bother? He can't see my face.



Leonard: Who needs faces when you've got vaginas.

I honestly want someone to run a test to see how many completely unique sentences my blog contains.



Kelsey: Lucas is staying dead FOREVER.



Kelsey: Nobody likes him.



Kelsey: Not even my mom.
Nick: WOW. Your mom "likes" EVERYONE.



Kelsey: Literally everyone everywhere is glad he's dead. He's glad he's dead.



SNORG



Lyndsey: Got any brothers?



Leonard: Do I.



Leonard: Got brothers like the day is snowy.



Lyndsey: The best part of doing it standing up is my bed doesn't stink afterwards.



Nick: Are you just... walking in place, dude?



Kelsey: Stop focusing on the dude.



Nick: I'm trying, but he won't fuck off!



Leonard: I already got my fucking off done tonight, Nick.



Leonard: You can tell by how limber I am now.



Leonard: And by how much I need a shower.



Lyndsey: Mmf... the... the fish says...



Nick: Why were we making out outside?
Kelsey: Making outside! Hahaha.



Lyndsey: Mmm... brothers...



Kelsey: I wonder if she's fucking in her sleep.



Nick: Like we're fucking in her sleep.



Kelsey: Ohh... Nick...
Lyndsey: Ohh... Nick...
Kelsey: OHH, NICK!
Nick: WHAT



Nick: Hahaha just kidding this is awesome.



Kelsey: Anyway we were making out outside because the camera angles in here are too claustrophobic for four people.



Nick: I think it's cosy!
Kelsey: Costrophobic, then.



Meanwhile the Sim Modder is terrifying.



TERRIFYING



Lyndsey: Ohh, Leonard, you're so much smaller than Nick...



Nick: I mean, I had my suspicions...



Nick: But geez, that's a cold thing to tell a dude.



Nick: And to NOT tell the OTHER dude!
Kelsey: You ARE a lot bigger than Leonard.
Nick: WHY DID I NEED TO PROMPT THIS REVELATION



Nick: You should pass that kind of info along as soon as you've got it! Help a brother's ego out!
Kelsey: Send your brother over and I will.



Nick: Fuck THAT.



Lyndsey: Welp, that's all the dudes I know.

So get a new one.

Lyndsey: What, just summon one out of thin air?

Yes!



Lyndsey: What, just wave my magic wand and ohhhhh.



Lyndsey: I don't like the way it clips through my fingers.



Lyndsey: Or the way it apparently damns people.



Lyndsey: Hello, is this a townie I apparently know?



Lyndsey: I am auditioning for bed partners.



Kelsey: Someone mentioned beds and partners and now I'm awake.



Lyndsey: Next time: a 400+ pic bombshell update.

She's not wrong.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 20 July 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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