Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
In which LOOK AT ALL THEM PICS.
This is (intentionally) the longest update I've ever done.
You have been warned (promised).
Because why not.
It's a special occasion.
So yeah, I had to massacre my URLs to get this chapter to fit.
Dagmar: Whenever you use the word "massacre" I get jumpy.
Dagmar: See? I just jumped clear across the house.
Dagmar: From a sitting position.
Aww, Past Grugly gave me a Happy 400th present!
A competent establishing shot.
Past Grugly: You're welcome! The next one's in Chapter 500.
It'll actually be called Chapter FIVE HUNDRED.
Learn pattern recognition, Past Grugly.
Dagmar: You mean like your pattern of shower-stalking?
Completely pointless yet entrancing perspective shot!
Dagmar: Let's see what else is completely pointless.
Dagmar: Something about... Ford.
Dagmar: Was this filmed with a cell phone?
Dagmar: Those artifacts really make me appreciate your shitty in-game camera pics.
There's compression and then there's compression.
And then there's couches, which don't compress at all.
Dagmar: You know, I'm a Fortune Sim.
I do know this.
Dagmar: And you created me rich.
I know this also.
Dagmar: That's like a runner being born on the finish line.
Terrifying and nonsensical?
Dagmar: Yeah, exactly.
Past Grugly: I lied. Happy 400th, buddy.
FOUR HUNDREDth, you mean.
Meanwhile, back in Ben Pen...
Neil: Ben Pen! Have I heard that before? I like it.
I've got over four hundred pics to caption, I'm not looking shit up. Even with breaks, it'll take me-
Neil: OH SHIT YEAH THE PRISON BREAK
Neil: Scapegoat identified.
Neil: This is Warden Sharpe. Uh... I'd like to declare a Code Oh-No.
Neil: But you know what I mean, right?
Bambi: They're gonna throw the book at him. And I can't wait to see the mark it leaves!
Ally: Haha yeah, definitely only Neil is at fault here.
Nerissa: Let me do the talking.
Dagmar: Dibs on the slapping.
Cameron: FAITH AND YVONNE ESCAPED?!
Looks like it.
Cameron: Let's hope it trends!
Gina: I am willing to participate.
Gina: I'm sure Elle's in, once she stops cackling and collecting germs.
Neil: Thank god all the city officials are women now. I can handle women, if you know what I mean.
Dagmar: Everyone knows, and disagrees with, what you mean.
Neil: YES! I'm still famous!
Dagmar: Your mental filter is a thing of beauty.
Neil: Also a thing of beauty: your beauty.
Nerissa: Oh no, we're letting him handle us.
Dagmar: So, Nerissa tells me you reported something.
Neil: Did she tell you what?
Dagmar: No, because you didn't tell her what.
Neil: Let me give you the grand tour! It was a little grander a few days ago, but hey.
Nerissa: I'm glad you're keeping your objectivity.
Neil: I'm glad she didn't bring the other police chief. I'd have a much harder time macking on a dude.
An ugly dude, to boot!
Neil: Boot him, that I could do.
Neil: Hey, by the way, why don't you wear a cop uniform?
Nerissa: Maybe I'm not really a cop!
Neil: Hahaha, good one maybe!
Nerissa: Alright, big boy, let's see the damage.
Neil: You could see my big boy instead...
Cameron: .oO(Yep, he's fucked.)
Nerissa: ...where's the prisoner?
Neil: Wouldn't I like to know!
Neil: Like, a bunch.
Ally: You're so hot when you're fucked.
Nerissa: Okay, there's been a prison break.
Nerissa: Personally I blame you.
Ally: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN
Neil: I don't know!
Ally: HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW
Nerissa: I thought you were gonna handle the slapping.
Neil: I'm beginning to think this is gonna reflect on me professionally.
Neil: In between all the weird shapes and colours I'm seeing.
Neil: You're the deputy warden! This is your fault too!
Ally: I don't have faults!
Neil: YOU LET THEM OUT TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD!
Ally: THAT WOULD BE REDUNDANT!
Neil: I do NOT look BAD.
Nerissa: So, who was in this cell?
Ally: Faith Murphy.
Nerissa: Oh, good. A teen genocidist on the lam. No biggie.
Ally: Actually her sister's gone too.
Dagmar: How could you let this happen?!
Neil: It's easy when you don't notice things!
Dagmar: WHEN did this happen?
Neil: Oh, an entire chapter cycle ago.
Dagmar: THEY COULD BE ANYWHERE BY NOW!
Neil: I DIDN'T DESIGN THE CHAPTER CYCLE
Neil: I feel like I should've gotten some extra time before the new year to handle this.
I don't see how that would be funny.
Neil: You're destroying my career for fun?
Dagmar: Can we focus?
Neil: I'm not sure I can. I'm very old.
Dagmar: You can't take care of half a dozen prisoners?
Neil: Well, there were more, but one of them escaped, fell off the wall and died!
Neil: And then I had to shoot one of the guards, and another one melted downtown!
Ally: You couldn't make this shit up.
Dagmar: I should never have brought you back.
Neil: I should never have brought your face back.
Neil: I DON'T KNOW SHUT UP
Dagmar: No, YOU shut up! Oh, wait, you CAN'T shut up, you can only LET OUT!
Dagmar: That sounded better in my head. Anyway you're fired.
Neil: You mean, like, hardened in the fire? The fire of adversity?
Bambi: Shitter's broke.
Dagmar: Looks like we need a new warden. The old one's imploding.
Ally: I endorse the candidacy of Ally Ternynck.
Cameron: You're still the governor of my heart, Neil!
Dagmar: Okay, obviously I should have been doing inspections here.
Dagmar: So hey, you. Are you an idiot?
Ally: I don't think so.
Dagmar: Good enough!
Dagmar: Get to work, Governor Ternynck. And do NOT pardon your predecessor.
Nerissa: Maybe this wouldn've have happened if you'd picked your guards based on merit rather than attractiveness!
Neil: In fairness, I picked the men to be unattractive.
Ally: Can I hire new guards?
Dagmar: Maybe, like, one.
Ally: Can I commit human rights abuses?
Dagmar: Do you want to?
Ally: No, but, I mean, I know how prisons work.
Nerissa: If you'd delegated better, you'd have been able to escape the fallout.
Neil: That sounds exactly like not my kind of interpersonal activity.
Elle: PRISON ISN'T FUN
Dagmar: Dead prisoners! Dead GUARDS! What the FUCK!
Ally: I'm willing to commit to a fifty percent reduction in both.
Dagmar: ...half a dead prisoner, and half a dead guard?
Ally: Two guards died. So that's one mostly-dead prisoner and one dead guard.
Ally: They'll be mostly dead because I'll chain them to their beds.
Gavin: Y'all need a prison fixed?
Gavin: I done heard it broke.
Dagmar: What are you even still doing here?
Neil: I work here!
Dagmar: WHAT WORK HAVE YOU DONE HERE?
Nerissa: She's got you there!
Dagmar: I don't WANT you, ANYWHERE!
Dagmar: I should bust you in the chops, in addition to busting your chops!
Dagmar: But I can't bear to rearrange that pretty face.
Nerissa: Wait, did you both use the same hiring criteria?!
Dagmar: WHY ARE YOU STILL STILL HERE?!
Neil: I have no place else to go!
Dagmar: WHY DON'T YOU FALL OFF A WALL
Cameron: I don't think she likes you anymore.
Dagmar: Okay, here's the deal: you're busted down to prison guard.
Neil: I am way too famous to be a prison guard!
Dagmar: Are you way too famous to be a PRISONER?
Dagmar: Final offer. Be a screw or get screwed.
Cameron: You phrase it that way, you know which one he'll pick.
Cameron: Take the job! I'll let you fuck me if you let me escape.
Cameron: That's basically the arrangement Don had with Nanette!
Neil: I'm confused. In this comparison am I the one who was shot to death or the one who fell to death?
Dagmar: You're the one who'll get punched to death.
Dagmar: HERE LET ME SHOW YOU
Dagmar: Made you flinch.
Neil: This is reminding me of all my marriages.
Dagmar: Maybe I should marry you! It'll be my supreme act of SACRIFICE for a BETTER TOMORROW!
Dagmar: I'll keep you locked up where you can't treat us to yet another REPEAT of your SCANDALOUS YESTERDAYS!
Dagmar: How much of this is your fault? You raised one daughter so badly she killed herself AND her sister, which caused an APOCALYPSE, you raised ANOTHER daugher so WORSELY she became a SERIAL KILLER...
Neil: My son turned out alright!
Dagmar: Neil, I love your son, but he is NOT "alright"!
Dagmar: Why do I keep almost hugging you.
Dagmar: YOUR PERSONAL MAGNETISM IS FUCKING MY MORAL COMPASS
Neil: It's generating some good lines, though.
Dagmar: I should put you on trial. I should execute you!
Neil: Is execution still on the books in this state?
Dagmar: I mean... there's an electric chair in your prison.
Neil: Maybe I used to know that, but it's not my prison anymore, so.
Dagmar: The only good thing about Don dying is we didn't have to smell him frying.
Dagmar: And also it gave me an excuse to come your uppance.
Neil: Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiit a second. Am I facing consequences?
Neil: I have no mechanism for processing that.
Dagmar: Don't make this about you! I've demoted you to secondary character!
Neil: I never face consequences!
Dagmar: I know! I saw! You walked away and went all stupid-frowny!
Neil: When you gaze into the consequences, the consequences gaze also into you.
Neil: Oh my oldness!
Neil: I'm a failure as a father.
And as a grandfather, don't forget!
Neil: It's my fault my son fucked his sister!
Nerissa: Now he's just making stuff up.
Neil: It's my fault Cecilia's going to kill everyone.
Dagmar: I think he might be prophecying, now.
Ally: ♪ Gonna wash that promotion right into my hair! ♪
Dagmar: ...is that...
Cameron: A maid, yeah. This is a prison, not a hell.
Elle: Did someone just say my name?
Bambi: Are you supposed to be in here?
Neil: Everything bad that's ever happened can be traced back to me!
Dagmar: I don't know how to comfort you without lying.
Neil: Oh, hey, someone broke in.
Dagmar: Warden! WARDEN!
Ally: What's happening?
Dagmar: Neil's talking to a man I can't see.
Ally: Has nobody explained telephones to you before?
Dagmar: Fuck you.
Dagmar: That was a good one, though.
Dagmar: Look at this poor fucker.
Ally: Is he poor? At fucking?
Dagmar: Oh, probably not.
Dagmar: Okay, so you're gonna take him on as a guard now.
Cameron: You're hiring a screw with a screw loose?!
Cameron: Screw this!
Ally: You can't know how much I love the idea of having power over Neil.
Dagmar: I can know even less of what Cameron thinks, because the bubble's off-screen.
Cameron: I think you can guess what I think.
Dagmar: No more prison breaks, 'k?
Neil: What about prison BREAKDOWNS?
Dagmar: Those are fine.
Ally: We cool?
Neil: I am.
Ally: NO. You do NOT come out of this experience with your ego intact!
Neil: But I don't even HAVE a superego!
Cameron: Grats on the promotion, warden!
Ally: Have some respect. Capitalize the job title.
Bambi: Is this thing on? Uh... Warden? Are the prisoners supposed to hang out in the governor's house?
Neil: Suck it.
Neil: Suck it?
Cameron: Do I get points for good behaviour?
Neil: Don't make this an unequal power dynamics thing, that's gross.
Bambi: She's in the kitchen. Shitter's still broke.
Bambi: It's my day off apparently.
Bambi: Wait, you're not the warden.
Consent is a lot clearer when you can see Aspiration Points.
Also when you ask.
Nick: He's gonna soapbox again.
Cameron: He wouldn't dare, the wordcount on this is hella tight.
Gotta get it under sixty-four thousand characters!
So I shouldn't be writing numbers all the way out like that.
OR EXPLAINING THINGS
Ally: I wonder if I have the authority to put in an escalator.
Neil: I escalate things just fine on my own!
Ally: What are you doing out of your cell?
Gina: I don't have a cell. I've escaped!
Cameron: Fada soola gor!
Neil: You were never a cheerleader.
Cameron: Fada soola bron!
Neil: But you do have good form!
Ally: A prisoner! In his own fucking HOUSE!
Gina: You think that's bad, you should see what happens next.
Elle: So, do I throw all these sandwiches out, or can I eat them, or what.
Neil: Security is pretty loose right now.
Cameron: Yeah, I arranged it that way with Gina.
Neil: You arranged your vagina how?
Neil: If you're planning a prison break I'm too tired and disinvested to stop you.
Cameron: You're alright, old guy.
Neil: But maybe you will be.
Gavin: I found the problem! Your security system's old, so I took it out and put it in this bag.
Neil: I love bags.
Cameron: I'm a bag.
Neil: ♪ LOVE YOUR CHILDREN, SQUEEZE THEM TIGHT, 'TIL THEY BURST, IT'S ALRIGHT ♪
Elle: NOTHING IS ALRIGHT
Yes, there are two Elles. Deal with it.
Cameron: .oO(Is this a good idea, or the worst idea? They always look the same to me.)
Cameron: .oO(I hate me.)
Cheryl: CITIZEN'S ARREST!
Cameron: I'm a self-trained killer.
Cheryl: CITIZEN'S WITHDRAWAL!
Neil: VALIDATE ME
Ally: Wait, did he say he put in a NEW security system?
That is not what he said, no.
Cameron: I'll never forget Neil! This time in a good way.
Cheryl: Maybe there's still an informer's bonus.
Cameron: It's Richard Kimble time!
Cameron: I hope I get a TV show AND a movie.
Harrison Ford can play you! You've got the same chin.
Cameron: Yeah, fuck you too, boss.
Marco: Get on with it.
Marco: I can't wait around all day, my scalp is on fire.
And my HEART
Gina: Is this a prison, or an asylum?
Marco: Look at us, Dead and the Maid.
Marco: How've you been?
Cameron: Have you come to rescue me?
Don: No, I've come to make sure you don't get killed, and resurrected, and killed again in a weird experiment.
Cameron: ...I'm guessing that happened to you?
Marco: It's a good guess.
Marco: Get in the car.
Cameron: I'm the maid, I should drive.
Marco: I have a real fake identity with a real fake driver's license. I'm driving.
You let her go.
Neil: I owe her mom for all that mind-blowing sex. You know how it is.
I do not. :(
Bambi: Your van's gone.
Neil: Who even hired you?
Elle: The prisoners.
Neil: I blame the deputy.
She's not the deputy anymore.
Neil: I blame her for that too.
Neil: Well if it isn't the BLAME DAME.
Ally: I have come to blame you!
Ally: You better shape up or shit out, mister! And we're in a harbour, so there's ships a-plenty!
Neil: FUCK THIS SHIP
Neil: I mean SHIT
Bambi: You fix a mean sandwich, too!
Gina: I didn't mean for this to happen!
Ally: It isn't your fault!
Gina: Oh, this is about something else? Good, I can enjoy it then.
Gina: So tense.
Bambi: He said he's never had to fix grease damage on a television before.
Elle: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT
Gina: I can't look! Because my hands are in the way!
Gavin: Want me to fix the fight?
Gavin: Want me to fix your pathfinding?
Elle: I WANT YOU TO DE-MUSIC BAMBI
Gavin: Wow, you are way far gone!
Elle: I smell bad, too!
Ally: Ow. HOW? OW?!
Gina: He kicked her ass, but she beat the pants off him!
Gina: AND the underpants! Hey-o!
Ally: I feel like I've been beaten with a steel rod.
Neil: His NAME is ROGER RAMROD!
Neil: Okay, this is undignified.
Neil: WHERE'S MY...
Ally: I want to remember this moment.
Ally: That look suits you, officer.
Neil: Just because I'm an officer doesn't mean I have to be a gentleman.
Gina: So in other news, y'all suck at this now.
Ally: Oh, look, you found your clothes.
Bambi: I knew where they were!
Bambi: I just didn't care to wear them.
Ally: You stood around in your PAJAMAS while EVERYTHING went to SHIT
Bambi: I was SITTING, ACTUALLY, and TAKING a shit!
Bambi: Get your facts straight.
Ally: There's gonna be some changes around here!
Bambi: Good! Start with a change of attitude.
Ally: YOU'RE the one who needs to change her attitude!
Bambi: Oh yeah? Am I ALSO the one who let Gina escape TWICE?!
Ally: I'm getting fired already.
Bambi: Out of a cannon.
We've made that joke already, but it's an anniversary episode.
Nerissa: What are you doing?
Ally: I'm putting you ALL in jail, for jailbreaking my HEART
Nerissa: I'm taking you IN, mister.
Neil: Are you sure you'll be able to FIT me?
Bambi: You moving in? We've got room.
Bambi: And JOBS.
Nerissa: Wait, you're saying they FEED you? With MY tax money?
Elle: No, STUPID, we don't eat MONEY
Gina: If I'd known you'd all get so upset, I wouldn'tve broken the security system.
Ally: Is this day still happening?
Nerissa: At least the remaining prisoners are all too crazy to want out.
Ally: We are, aren't we.
Nerissa: WHERE THE INMATE FOOD AT
Ally: I was having a nightmare, and then I was asleep, and now I'm awake, and NOW I'M HAVING IT AGAIN
Ally: So uh... hey. What's the penalty for breaking prison and sabotaging prison?
Ally: I'm talking... hypothetically.
Ally: ...forget I said anything.
Nerissa: I never forget about death.
Gina: It never forgets about us!
Ally: Okay, look, this is just between you and me.
Nerissa: It's just between ME and ME.
Nerissa: Time to get our money's worth out of Ol' Sparky.
Nerissa: Legally we need a Council of Elrond on this shit, first.
Gina: Was this my last meal? Can cookies be a last meal? Legally?
Oh no, Elle is regressing!
How'd you get in there?
Gina: So did y'all fix that security system?
Neil: Above my pay grade.
Elle: I wonder where they keep the pillows and water balloons.
Elle: I will settle for pies.
Gina: Check out those PIXELS!
Gina: IT'S 2020!
Ally: It's 2012.
Gina: IT'S 2012!
Ally: It's actually... 4 ASV?
It's all of those things.
It's confusing, is what it is.
Gina: Can I get a conjugal visit?
Ally: You have a partner?
Gina: Can you get me one? Can I pick?
Ally: All the prostitutes are women.
Gina: Women are garbage.
Ally: You're thinking men.
Gina: Yes! I was.
Elle: Man, it took forever to abrade that costume off!
Elle: If only there was a better way.
Gina: So, what happens next?
Ally: Nothing good.
Noah: I say we execute all of them.
Noah: And then put all the women in one big kitchen.
William: Isn't it past your deadtime?
Dagmar: JESUS FUCK
Neil: Back so soon?
Nerissa: With a vengeance.
Neil: ...wait, is this entire jail just for ONE PRISONER now?
Nerissa: Is this some kind of workfare project?
Elle: Maybe buy some real locks?
Nerissa: Bullets are cheaper.
Neil: Is that me from the future? Or the past?
You're taking a lot of showers lately.
Ally: I've had to wash my hands of a lot.
Elle: Evenin' guvna!
William: ...technically all true.
Dagmar: You know, we could just put them back in their cells and forget all this.
Nerissa: Or we could put them all in urns and forget all this!
Dagmar: Does she serve at my pleasure? Because I'm not getting much pleasure from her these days.
Gina: Hey, it's the death panel! Just like Alex Jones promised.
Dagmar: I've brought your lawyer.
Gina: As a further punishment! I understand.
Dagmar: Okay, so. You've broken the terms of your life imprisonment, much like cheating on a spouse. Ha! Ha!
Noah: I hope they get the ha-has out of the way before I show up.
William: HOT GARBAGE
Dagmar: Judge, do we have any leeway on this matter?
Dagmar: Could you look for some loopholes, or something?
Noah: I could, but I won't.
Dagmar: Okay, so, helping a prisoner escape is an act of treason according to the Wallawallock State Criminal Code.
Gina: Treason! I hear there's no punishment for that.
Elle: This is boring. Maid adventure!
Ally: We can't prove she sabotaged the security system! All we have to go by is her confession...
Gina: Yeah, I escaped twice and freed a genocidist.
Noah: Fry it.
Gina: Is there anybody I can bribe?
Nerissa: You're talking to him.
William: Trading sex or money for LIFE is WAY beyond my skeeve level.
Dagmar: I didn't think anything was!
Dagmar: Well I say we let the matter go.
Nerissa: Then I'll execute all of you.
Dagmar: Let me finish! I say we let the matter go to its natural conclusion.
Samella: And as your lawyer, I say nothing because I am not a very good lawyer.
William: She's already facing life in prison.
Nerissa: No, she's facing death in prison.
William: You don't have to take the chair. We have a very humane new method off-site that slowly compresses you at the atomic level and turns your corpse into stylish jewellery!
Nerissa: Are you trying to redirect her to a secret SCIA holding camp to avoid executing her? Because that is ALSO an executable offense.
Noah: ♪ Happy days are here again ♪
Nerissa: I see we're all in agreement.
William: Just because I'm attracted to your belligerence doesn't mean I agree with you.
Dagmar: Judge? Final say goes to you.
William: With a cute profile!
Noah: My last word is my first word.
Neil: WHO PUT ALL THIS TRASH IN MY HOUSE
Gina: Are you gonna let me go, Neil? Like you let Cameron go?
Nerissa: I say we rule that inadmissible.
William: Rule what? I didn't hear anything.
William: Prisoners'll make anything up, eh?
Gina: Like it matters. Why would you execute him? He's already dead.
William: He ain't dead! He's my dad.
Dagmar: He's public property, is what he is.
Dagmar: So, nobody's got any mitigating evidence?
Samella: Or an explanation of what those words mean?
Neil: I'm ashamed to see you all engaged in such a heartless procedure.
Ally: Hot use of a thought balloon.
I love that Neil and Noah are watching the Yummy Channel and skilling while this is going on.
Elle: Don't I get a vote?
William: Why would you get a vote.
Dagmar: Well, I guess it's settled, because Nerissa's a cunt.
Nerissa: And proud of it!
Dagmar: This is where the governor swoops in and pardons her!
Nerissa: And then I go to the president with all the dirt I've got on him, and he goes to jail, and she STILL fries.
Dagmar: This is where the governor takes the short line and just straight-up murders Nerissa!
Dagmar: God, we're terrible.
Noah: CAN WE STOP PRETENDING THERE ISN'T ACTUAL GARBAGE ON THE FLOOR
Dagmar: Can we start pretending none of this ever happened?
Gina: Maybe we can trigger a game crash!
Elle: Maybe we can trigger a maid-fucking!
William: Maybe we can overturn the death penalty nation-wide.
William: By demonstrating how cruel and not funny it is, we can get the whole thing off the books!
Nerissa: AND satisfy my bloodlust!
Gina: AND kill me in an extremely painful way!
William: Everybody's happy!
William: You're the last remaining guard, dad, so you'll need to flip the switch.
Neil: How 'bout I just flip y'all the bird.
Noah: Sit on my face?
Noah: ♪ And let my lips embrace you? ♪
William: Hmm. I did already shoot the Charlatan. Shooting a police chief isn't that big a leap.
William: Who am I kidding? I'm a ladykiller, not a lady killer.
Gina: Don't let my impending death spoil your moment, kiddos.
William: I hereby pass the sucky buck to you, Ms. Mayor.
Dagmar: Guess we're celebrating the anniversary appropriately.
Samella: Technically we'd need death AND sex for that!
Dagmar: I'm game!
Nerissa: She's easy game.
Noah: ♪ I'm hot, and I'm cold! ♪
Noah: My last name is Cold.
Gina: You people make me SICK!
Dagmar: Are you sure it's not the invisible garbage?
Dagmar: Anyway you DID let a convicted criminal loose, and escape twice, and where'd you go.
Dagmar: Wait, you're... still right here.
Gina: That was ELLE behind you.
Dagmar: WHO'S ELLE
Gina: Probably the next hot potato!
Elle: She called me hot!
Dagmar: THAT ONE is MENTALLY ILL. What's YOUR excuse?
Gina: I'm just ill, yo.
Dagmar: Okay, well, as required by statute, and under the power vested in me by the City of Centreborough, I hereby sentence you to be electrocuted until everyone, everywhere, is so grossed out that they never electrocute anyone again.
William: Except in a fight! Like in Jaws 2.
William: This would be a great time to have an accomplice who can WALK THROUGH WALLS
Gina: This would be a great time to have a MAID IN THE ROOM
Gina: Y'all can have your meet-and-greet after the weenie roast.
Dagmar: She's right. Fire up the barbecue.
Gina: So when do you slip me the key?
Neil: There's no keys, it's all electronic.
Gina: Where's the getaway vehicle parked?
Neil: That's a funny term for an electric chair.
Gina: This is where you recruit me to your top-secret evil organization of evil, right?
Nerissa: On the off chance you weren't just guessing about that, you definitely need to die now.
Neil: What were y'all talking about? I'm basically deaf, and also don't listen to people when they talk.
Neil: You still back there?
Gina: You talking to me, or the visible sky?
Gina: Yes, I'm still back here. Should I make a break for it?
Neil: Depends. How far can you fall without dying?
Neil: Welp, here it is.
Gina: The Green Mile.
Neil: We call ours the Brown Run.
Neil: Get it?
William: Isn't there supposed to be a doctor present for this?
Dagmar: OH STOP STALLING IT'S BEEN LIKE THREE HUNDRED PICS
Gina: It says here you need to put a bag over my head, and a wet sponge on my scalp.
Neil: Where we gonna get a sponge at this hour?
Gina: Elle has one, but ew.
Neil: Anyway, welcome to the best worst cell in the joint!
Gina: Whose room is this?
Neil: The unknown condemned prisoner. Who is now known! For a few more minutes, then it reverts.
Elle: We're only allowed to be comfortable JUST before we die?
Neil: The law was created to cause the minimum amount of comfort to most people.
Gina: I'm not eating shit for my last meal.
Gina: I'll shame all you rich fucks with my punctuality.
William: Already pretty ashamed, honestly.
Samella: Ally's taking it hard. Look how she bows her head!
Gina: Uhhhh... this thing doesn't look... safe? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Neil: I couldn't find any bags.
Gina: I can see a few.
Neil: That's good, let it all out.
Neil: I was in the military for YEARS.
What was your first kill like?
Neil: I tackled a man to the ground and broke his neck.
What war was that?
Neil: War nothin'. I was running quarterback for the Centreborough Alpacas!
Dagmar: Dang! Should've made popcorn.
Gina: I'll show you popcorn.
Noah: Let me explain how many chicks are hotter than you are.
Nerissa: FLIP THE SWITCH ALREADY
Dagmar: Yeah, maybe do that.
Samella: I can't look.
Noah: You can't look as good as THERESA, that's for sure!
Everyone: *immediately passes out*
Noah: It's not a pretty sight, I'll admit. Not like THERESA
Thought you couldn't look?
Samella: I mean, someone has to.
Neil: HAHAHA IT'S A LIGHT SWITCH
Dagmar: HAHAHA I GET IT
Ally: Is it over?
Noah: Almost. Get a mop.
William: Yeah, we're... never doing this again.
William: I should've just shot Nerissa.
Ally: I might still shoot Nerissa.
Dagmar: WELL I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS
Neil: That's a bit much.
Gina: happy four hundredth
Gina: i am a baked cake for you
William: OH THE PATHOS
Ally: OH THE SIMMITY
Nerissa: Oh ZZZZZZZ.
Gina: Well, that was fun.
Neil: Didn't realize there was a low setting and a high setting.
Gina: THANK YOU
William: Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Florida and Georgia are backwards hellholes, needles, chambers or chairs regardless.
Gina: Wait... CALIFORNIA?!
Neil: WHAT THE HELL, CALIFORNIA
How can you sleep through this?
Dagmar: I can't, but I can pretend.
William: Fake it 'til you make it.
Noah: Oh, I made it alright. In my PANTS
Gina: state-sanctioned murder is terrible
William: EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE
William: FUCK YOUR ANNIVERSARY
The Grim Reaper: EVERYONE'S YELLING TOO MUCH, IT MAKES MY ALL-CAPS SEEM LESS SPECIAL.
The Grim Reaper: SO, ELECTROCUTED, HUH? I DIDN'T SEE THE LIGHTNING.
Neil: The chair did it.
The Grim Reaper: I'VE HEARD MORE PLAUSIBLE DEFENSES
William: Can we talk about how hot Theresa is? Please?
William: The sex/death balance is WAY off, in the WRONG DIRECTION, today.
Nerissa: I'm willing to remedy that!
William: I'd rather fuck someone who didn't sit through what we just sat through, thanks.
Neil: They could've stopped this!
The Grim Reaper: I MEAN, YOU FLIPPED THE SWITCH.
Neil: They could've stopped ME!
The Grim Reaper: YOUR RATIONALIZATION MECHANISMS ARE HIGHLY DEVELOPED.
Neil: Get up. The penalty for lingering in the prison is also electrocution.
Thank you for your service.
The Grim Reaper: IT'S A DYING.
Sol: MISTAKES WERE MADE
Sol: I blame the architect
William: I blame us.
Nerissa: I credit us!
Noah: I've already forgotten what we did.
Noah: And who all these losers are.
Ally: Goodnight, Neil.
Neil: Fuck you.
Ally: He cares!
Elle: WHO CARES
Ally: Aw, hell no.
Elle: I'M NOT SITTING IN YOUR TRICK CHAIR
Ally: Yeah, I'm not executing a crazy person.
Elle: YOU LIT A WOMAN'S HAIR ON FIRE BUT I'M CRAZY?!
Ally: You dressed up like a cow and smashed a woman's face into a wall.
Elle: IT MADE SENSE IN CONTEXT
Ally: Go lie down, Elle.
Elle: I do what I want.
Ally: I think I'm going to die.
Elle: Neat, you do what I want, too!
Elle: B-T-Dubs, the security system is STILL off.
Ally: Whatever. We'll hunt you down if you escape.
Elle: I'm not gonna escape. I know my chances of staying playable go way down if I'm not surrounded by actual characters.
Neil: This building just became the world's most expensive single bad hotel room.
Neil: WHY DID ALL THE HOT ONES CHECK OUT
♪ Welcome to the Hotel Centreborough ♪
You know this is for the death row prisoners.
Ally: I feel like death.
Neil: Couldn't you have picked something cheerier for the 400th update?
But not something more representative.
Bambi: I don't know whose that is.
I know whose that is.
♪ Such a lovely place ♪
♪ Such a lovely face ♪
Neil: Come ON, flies! Do your thing!
You have to step over them to get devoured.
Neil: Man, it's NOTHING but RULES around here!
♪ You can check out anytime you like ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE! ♪
The Grim Reaper: AND STAY DOWN!
Sol: I never thought I'd piss myself AND feel like I got off easy!
Sol: Man, death is GREAT!
Sol: Piss still stinks.
Sol: I don't think ALL of this is ash.
♪ OH-OH, WEAAAAVE DREAAAMER! ♪
Elle: I think the Maker just peaked.
Elle: You want a peek?
Neil: I'll see your peek and raise you a poke.
You didn't think I'd forget the sex, did you?
Elle: Got it in, at the last second!
Neil: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
Elle: FUCK ME LIKE YOU FUCKED YOUR CAREER
Elle: One of us has to change our name, and I'd argue I'm more famous.
Sol: I don't want to talk about it.
Sol: I want to start a crazy conspiracy website about it.
Elle: WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL TO GET SOME SERVICE IN THIS JOINT?!
Ally: So, what's on next?
Ally: Ooh, can I see?
Welp. Four hundred! You know what that means:
(Click for full-size version)
This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 September 2012 to 5 September 2012.