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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 410


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which bad progresses to worse.



Still shitting?

Lance Price the Damned: I've had to hold it for a DAY. Can you please stop splitting chapters like that?



Yep, that's the walk of a man who's just shed a few extra pounds.



Lance Price the Damned: Do you know who you are?
Rosemarie: My dialogue tag says "Rosemarie."
Lance Price the Damned: I don't like it. Let's go with... hmm... Thornmarie.

Are you kidding?

Lance Price the Damned: Yes, but I mean it, too.



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: I think it sounds badass.



Lance Price the Damned: Yeah, because your literary sense is no better-developed than a teenager's.



Lance Price the Damned: LESSON ONE: DEFENSE AGAINST THE LIGHT ARTS



Lance Price the Damned: This is what fighting good magic will be like.



Lance Price the Damned: There are very few good-aligned electrocution spells, you'll find.



Lance Price the Damned: I could hardly hope for a more apt pupil.
Thornmarie the Mean Witch: What about my pupils?



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: Are you wearing cologne, or is that... gun polish.



Lance Price the Damned: Hello? Evil?



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: Hello, evil!



Lance Price the Damned: Evil doesn't triumph because good is dumb. Evil triumphs because good is boring.



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: So, what you packin' down there?
Lance Price the Damned: I see your personality is already beginning to resurface.



Lance Price the Damned: If you feel any sudden... qualms, let me know.



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: Qualms, yeah, not so much.



Lance Price the Damned: I've forgotten what they feel like, actually.



Lance Price the Damned: Don't go anywhere, don't touch anything, and if the furnishings talk to you, do not listen to them.



Lance Price the Damned: There's only one inanimate object here worth listening to.



Lance Price the Damned: Okay, so, I'm raising an army.

YOU ARE STALLING

Lance Price the Damned: In what universe is RAISING AN ARMY considered STALLING



Lance Price the Damned: Less value judgements and more value, please.



TO OWN THE COLD
AND CALL THE WILD
DERIVE QUINTESSENCE
FROM A CHILD




Lance Price the Damned: So, no advice, then.



Lance Price the Damned: Back to my war games.



Lance Price the Damned: Man, it's hard to keep this boring old evil magic in my head with all the neat new evil magic crowding it out.



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: Wait, am I doing the boring stuff or the neat stuff?



Lance Price the Damned: The boring stuff.
Thornmarie the Mean Witch: Laaaame.



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: When you gonna teach me to teleport?
Lance Price the Damned: That wasn't teleportation, that was just missing pics.



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: Did I hear you say you're building an army?
Lance Price the Damned: I dunno, did you?



Thornmarie the Mean Witch: I hope it's not Space Marines, they are SO overused.



Lance Price the Damned: "Derive quintessence..." I shouldn't need to get a dictionary, WHICH IS A BOOK, to understand the advice, OF MY BOOK



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Oh, that's in here somewhere. Quintessence, yeah. That's, like, a soul or something?



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: ALSO HEY I'M GREEN



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Aparta dico.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I don't even know what that was. Something about dicks?



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Closest I'm gonna get to a dick, looking like that.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Ew, and my breath smells like wheat grass.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: What happened to "evil is sexy"?



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: NEVER MIND



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: The price of the path to power is FUCKIN' NOTHIN'



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: The evil clothes-stealing effect was kind enough to put them in my dresser, too.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I'm glad actions don't have consequences.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Hahaha, can you imagine how much that would suck?!



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: So, I remember who I am, pretty much.
Lance Price the Damned: What tipped you off?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Seeing the walls down. In the corner, there. That sort of shit happened ALL THE TIME in my previous life.

Le sigh.



Lance Price the Damned: Your "previous life"?"
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I mean you still made me evil, so.



Lance Price the Damned: Heheh, I did do that, didn't I?



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: And I can't wait to properly thank you for it.



Lance Price the Damned: So don't?



Bambi: Hi, is Bernard's murderer there?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I don't know who either of those people are.



Lance Price the Damned: I'm glad I got my wand back, somehow, but man! Little sisters suck.



Lance Price the Damned: God, imagine what would happen if you Googled that phrase.

*shudder*

And we're not mentioning the G-word anymore, either.



...AWWWW



Lance Price the Damned: Hold down the fortress, would you?



Lance Price the Damned: I've got a date with REVENGESTINY.



Lance Price the Damned: Man, this sparkly shit seems so quaint now.



Lance Price the Damned: Appello Simae, as painfully as possible, please.



Lance Price the Damned: Haha yes, that qualifies.



Lance Price the Damned: Wait for it... wait for it...



Lyndsey: The cat says SUCK IT, BITCH



Lance Price the Damned: The warlock says OHHHHH YOU'RE FUCKED NOW



Lyndsey: What is this place, anyway? Where light goes to die?



Lyndsey: Y'all need some space heaters and rugs.



Lance Price the Damned: Magus-
Lyndsey: And MUSIC.
Lance Price the Damned: MAGUS-
Lyndsey: Maybe some incense?
Lance Price the Damned: MAGUSMUTATIO



Lyndsey: Sorry, I had tacos for lunch.



Lance Price the Damned: There's a 50/50 chance she's about to turn into a water monster.



Lance Price the Damned: Oh, okay, it... just didn't... fucking work at all, okay, GREAT



Lance Price the Damned: Magus mutatio.
Lyndsey: That's right, idiot, say both words distinctly!



Lyndsey: Even I could tell you'd gotten it wrong, and I'm not a...



Lyndsey: ...witch...



Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Wait, who's not a witch? Because I obviously am.



Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Am't I?



Lance Price the Damned: You sure are! Your name is Eilean the Mean, and you're my slave.
Eilean the Mean: Can I reroll that, maybe get something better?



Eilean the Mean? Where'd THAT come from.

Lance Price the Damned: I'm giving them names that mean the opposite of their real names.
Eilean the Mean: Real names? What?
Lance Price the Damned: Her name basically means "pool" in Gaelic, so now it means "island" in Gaelic.
Eilean the Mean: Who's gay? Who's gay licking who?!

And "the Mean"?

Lance Price the Damned: It rhymes.
Eilean the Mean: And it's got a nice rhythm, too!



Lance Price the Damned: Shut up.



Lance Price the Damned: Anyway, you're very important to me. To my plans!
Eilean the Mean: What are your plans?
Lance Price the Damned: Very important.



Eilean the Mean: So, is this, like... a school of witchcraft and wizardry, or something?
Lance Price the Damned: No, this is a murder magic dungeon. You like murder magic!



Lance Price the Damned: And you like me, too.
Eilean the Mean: Oh! Apparently!



Lance Price the Damned: Magivestium.
Eilean the Mean: I don't know how.
Lance Price the Damned: SHUT UP



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Well! Look what the fuck dragged in.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Does it do tricks?



Eilean the Mean: Wow! Is all this yours?
Lance Price the Damned: By right of conquest.
Eilean the Mean: Right on!



Eilean the Mean: This book's all about how to turn your right hand into a giant bottle opener.



Eilean the Mean: It's surprisingly involved.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Are you trying to replace me?!
Lance Price the Damned: I'm trying to augment you.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I REFUSE TO GET PLASTIC SURGERY



Eilean the Mean: MWAHAHAHA! CONSUMPTION



Lance Price the Damned: That's my sister. You can tell because she looks just like my dad.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Except she's a girl.
Lance Price the Damned: No, not except that.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: ...what?



Eilean the Mean: Whaaaaat.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: It is what it is.



CRACK SNAP



Hey, you're different shades of green.

Lance Price the Damned: Different quantities of envy.



Eilean the Mean: It's actually because the green is just a skintone overlay. You're seeing some of the underlying texture.

That's not funny, though.

Eilean the Mean: Neither was the other thing.



Lance Price the Damned: That was fun, but not enough death.



Lance Price the Damned: It's not called A Romance of Sex and More Sex, after all.

That's just the book series. The journal is subtitled "A Romance of Death and Cynicism."

Lance Price the Damned: God, that's even worse, then! We need to get going on both of those things.



I think Eilean the Mean's got the cynicism handled, or at least skepticism.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: And I've got the romance settled!



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Let's see if we can't squeeze the death part in.

That's... what... she said?



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: *apparently offended her broom*




Lance Price the Damned: Y'all Murphyfuckers home?



Lance Price the Damned: Oh, how quaint, it's pre-broom transportation technology.



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Who you gonna kill?
Lance Price the Damned: GHOSTBUSTERS! Sorry.



Asia: I think they already killed Ghostbusters.

Yeah, that reboot was terrible! For the reason you're all thinking.

Asia: A bad script which ruined an otherwise perfectly good idea?

Yep.



Aurora: WHAT THE NOPE?



Thornmarie the Evil Witch: When do I get to learn the death spells?
Lance Price the Damned: When I learn how to defend myself from them.



Lance Price the Damned: I'm evil, not stupid.



Asia: What happened?!
The Grim Reaper: SHE HAD AN ELECTRICAL REACTION TO SPOKEN GREEK.

^ Line of the Day ^



Lance Price the Damned: Ooh, rematch!



Lance Price the Damned: Where's my sister NOW, bitch?
Leonard: What?
Asia: I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU FOR SOME REASON



Leonard: Oh god! No!
Lance Price the Damned: Yes!
Leonard: Not ROMANTIC TENSION!
Lance Price the Damned: ...what? No! You're dead.



Leonard: I don't want that either.

Next time: you can't always not get what you don't want.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 8 September 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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