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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 415


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which forever is very short.



Theresa: Not ominous.




"Penny": We are very far away.
Theresa: And yet we are talking!



"Penny": What's the occasion?
Theresa: Getting married.
"Penny": Anyone good?
Theresa: I didn't used to think so.



Penny: ...where... am... I...

Not here.



Theresa: Like my new Woodrow look?
"Penny": In the sense that it amuses me, yes.



Asia: You make me sick.
Theresa: What?
Asia: Playable, and this is what you do with it.



Stewart: Hi!
Asia: She makes me sick.
Stewart: Neat!



Asia: He makes me sick too.



Asia: I've looked this way for EIGHTY YEARS



Theresa: I don't think I'll want to look this way for THAT long.



Theresa: Maybe forty.



Opal: Oh, good, we got a new one. Already.



Brooke: Yep. My tits are bigger than yours.



Theresa: I think I'll shop at the convenience store next time.



Abort the FUCK out of THAT.



The Intriguing Charlatan: I'll get you, my pretty.




Alvin: And your little dog, too! That's how the line ends. Anyway wanna come to my wedding?



Alvin: You gonna invite all your friends?
Theresa: Ha. Yes. "All" my friends.



Theresa: Hey, my one friend. Wanna come see me move in with walls down upstairs? I mean Alvin?
Alvin: I like how she worked that in there.

If I don't mention it you'll think I didn't notice it.



Irvin: Dad's gonna pound your pussy like a bullet train.
Theresa: Okay! Wow. Okay!



William: Great wow, great!



Theresa: You're too young to be talking about sex.
Irvin: Not too young to be walking in on it, though, apparently.



William: What're you doing here?
Michael: Being her one friend. What's... Laci Sharpe? ...doing here?
William: Being alive, apparently.



Alvin: Kissy-poos!
William: No poos of any sort!

Yeah, Lucas doesn't live here anymore.

Lucas doesn't live ANYWHERE anymore.

Still pleased about that.



Chris: What a sweet couple! Congrats on the wedding!



William: I'd like to think I could do better.



William: Walls down. Anyway Alvin, I'm very happy for you and Theresa. Workplace romances always turn out great! It's a proven fact.



And now a brief update on the ongoing ecological crisis that is Alvin's back yard.



Theresa: When we're married we'll be able to pool our resources.
Irvin: And buy a pool!
Theresa: Uh, no. There's about thirty years of weeding needs doing before that can happen.



Irvin: I'll miss you, daddy.
Alvin: Uh... I'm getting married. I'm not moving.
William: You're not getting married if you don't get moving!



Alvin: We're still gonna live here. Theresa's moving in with us.
Irvin: Okay, but by seniority rules I get the big bed, and she gets the little one.



Alvin: The big bed is my bed.
Irvin: You don't appreciate it. You get the couch.



Clearly Theresa has a type.



Michael: I'm very happy for you and my doppelganger.
Theresa: We might need you to be a body double at some point.



Michael: I'm a body TRIPLE at LEAST



Michael: I can't believe we showed up in the same outfit.



Irvin: Where we goin'?
Alvin: The church.
Irvin: Why?
Alvin: Because there's no Science Centre.



Yvette: DON'T TRACK THE INSIDE OUT! THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH INSIDE!




Alvin: You've swooned over everyone in the wedding party but me.
Theresa: That swoon is implied.



William: Is it seriously just us?
Michael: A governor and a mayor. Quality over quantity.
Brett: Y'all need quantity over there?



Michael: Wait, why are we wearing the same outfit? Isn't there a specific gubernatorial suit you should be wearing?
Brett: Hahaha ew, they make goober suits?!



They sure do.

Just look at these goobers.



Michael: I am presiding.

I am presiding.

Michael: Fine. I am witnessing.
William: I am witnessing.
Michael: I AM IMPORTANT



William: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to put up with Alvin for a lifetime.
Theresa: Those tend to be short around here anyway.



William: Pretty sure it's illegal to impersonate a judge, Mr. Mayor.



Alright, read your vows.

Alvin: What's a "vows"?
Theresa: He promises to do whatever I want.



Alvin: Within the bounds of Science.
Theresa: I knew you'd fit that into the ceremony somewhere.



Clip those rings through your flesh and let's call it a day.



Alvin: You want me to eat that?



I now pronounce you Scientist and Scientest.

Theresa: You mean Scientess?

No.

This is gonna be one hell of a test for you.



William: Kelsey is here for some reason!
Kelsey: The reason is continuity!



Irvin: Ivy should also be here!
Michael: I called the orphanage, but there was no answer, because they don't have a phone, because there's no orphanage.



Brett: The Littlest Wedding Crasher!



Uma: .oO(Imagining hot William-on-Theresa action.)



Theresa: You can't pout AND kiss at the same time.
Alvin: He hasn't told us we can kiss yet.
Theresa: You're a SCIENTIST! You can't be a slave to tradition.



You may now-

Alvin: No, she's right, shut up.



I wish you all the happiness in the next ten-dozen pics.



Theresa: Ten-dozen?
Alvin: It's a Scientific measure.



Kelsey: William's almost standing up!
William: It's a process.



Irvin: Wow! The wedding slut-shamed this slut into dressing appropriately!
Uma: But not, you'll find, into not being a slut!



Uma: Target acquired.



Alvin: Target-
Theresa: Don't make me get my gun.



Theresa: I can't stop fucking farting. Hearts.



Theresa: Do we trust Alvin with sharp objects?



Alvin: It's cutting cake. It's not rocket science. Which I am also good at.



SKRLCH

Alvin: Forking cake, though, that's really not my bag.



Alvin: Hahaha WOW, did you see that spurt? I mean sorry?
Theresa: No! Sorry I do not see!



William: Penetration achieved! The marriage is consummated.



Theresa: Good, it only bleeds when I smile.



Belinda the Malevolent: He did WHAT
Irvin: He's a character.



Alvin: Your seat's over here.
Theresa: It's safer over here.



Theresa: These CHILDREN have FORK CONTROL.
William: You lose it with age.



Uma: They never made you turn that robe in?
Michael: I passed a law that said I don't have to.



Belinda the Malevolent: Whoever cut this cake was eeeevil.



Alvin: Two chairs, two slices. It's only fair.



Eilean the Mean: Where my fogies at?!



Theresa: Okay. I know it was an accident.
Alvin: We won't know that for sure until we try to replicate it.



Kelsey: What? No way. Theresa's way hotter.
Alvin: Theresa was grown in a vat. She's a face template! Lyndsey's got some hot, hot genetics going on.
Kelsey: It's a good face template, though!
Alvin: I'm not fucking ALVIN, Grugly!

I know, I'm sorry.



Michael: Other than the stabbing, this has gone pretty well.
Kelsey: "Other than the stabbing?"
Belinda the Malevolent: Challenge accepted!



Alvin: I'm kind of offended at the amount of magic in what ought to be a Science-themed affair.



Kelsey: Watch where that hand goes, blondie.
Michael: It's nowhere NEAR your chest.
Kelsey: I know! That's the problem!



Alvin: That lady is green.
Theresa: Because she's evil.
Alvin: Oh, wow, I didn't know you were a CAVE PERSON. Clearly she's a Plantsim.



Theresa: And then I killed him.
Belinda the Malevolent: So I got his seat!



Belinda the Malevolent: And his turkey.
Brett: *melts*



William: I think you and Theresa are going to be very happy.
Michael: Not necessarily with each other, or at the same time, but sure. Why not.



Eilean the Mean: I'll get a sack for the food. You carry the cake.
Kelsey: YOU'RE MAGIC WHY DO I GOTTA CARRY THE CAKE



Alvin: Did I abuse my wife accidentally?
William: Not sure you can abuse someone accidentally.
Alvin: What would you call it, then?
William: I'd say you Alvined her.



Theresa: There goes a man who would never Alvin me.



Eilean the Mean: You can stick things in me, if you'd like.
William: I usually would!



Traditional wedding activities.



Alvin: Chlorophyll is an aphrodesiac!

No it isn't.

Alvin: Oh, I'm sorry, which of your degrees is in SCIENCE?

Which of us HAS degrees?



Alvin: I have degrees of inappropriateness...



Alvin: Deborah! You came! Why.



Michael: She's like a cloud on a sunny day.
William: Alright Al, it's orgy time. There's two of us and five women, so Deborah has to leave.



Theresa: I get first pick.



Michael: Did that fork go straight through to your brain?



Michael: ...the cake made me FITTER?!
Alvin: Science makes it do that!



Belinda the Malevolent: Sure, it was science.



Alvin: Yeah! Like a bullet train! He really said that!



Theresa: It was nice of you to come.
Belinda the Ambivalent: SHIT



Belinda the Ambivalent: I need to do something evil, STAT. Uhhh uhhh CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND!
Theresa: Can we say you cast a spell? Because I've got a partner picked out and everything.
Belinda the Ambivalent: Influence is a kind of spell!



Deborah: Rebecca, stop trying to degrade that nice woman.
Theresa: No, Rebecca! Keep it up!



Alvin: I'm not gay! You must be thinking of the other one.



Theresa: Have you seen Alvin?
Michael: I haven't been looking for him.



Theresa: What's say you and me turn this wedding into wedding-themed porn.



Alvin: What do you mean, you're "cruising?" That doesn't make any sense.

Oh look, a second opportunity to make a coronavirus joke.

Uma: THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES



Uma: THIS IS A TIME FOR RETRIBUTION



Michael: For all the grief it's about to cause you, you really should have done something more fun with that hand.



Uma: It's NOTHING compared to the grief YOU'RE gonna get from MY hands.



Alvin: Guh buh. Cruise ships. Coronavirus. Science. Cheating. SCIENCE. CHEATING!



Alvin: MY WIFE IS A CRUSING VIRUS



Belinda the Malevolent: Crisis averted.



Belinda the Malevolent: Or, rather, transferred.



Theresa: Oh! Alvin! How long have you been there?
Alvin: THE DURATION OF OUR MARRIAGE



Alvin: I'm gonna poke you RIGHT in the fork hole!
Uma: Dammit! NOTHING I say will be as awesome as THAT!



You know it's a family event when the daggers come out.



Theresa: I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU
Michael: CALL ME



Uma: I'm not a call girl. I'm a good time girl.
Alvin: I am in need of good times.



Uma: But I like the other you better.



Belinda the Malevolent: Did you fuck up their marriage?
Michael: In record time!



Belinda the Malevolent: Wanna fuck down your marriage?
Deborah: Her father was LUCAS, Alvin.
Alvin: I CAN'T TELL IF I'M IN LOVE OR REPULSED



Alvin: Wait, no, I can tell.



Alvin: My life is imploding. Wanna watch?
Belinda the Malevolent: I wanna participate.



William: I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Theresa: We're still married.
William: I'm sorry it's not working out.



William: You could go on a trip! And get sick! And die!



Theresa: Each clause more tempting than the last.



Theresa: ...ALVIN?!
Alvin: NO ALVINS HERE, ONLY ANTHONIES



Alvin: -
Theresa: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT



Alvin: I, ANTHONY, DO NOT APPRECIATE YOUR VIOLENCE!
Michael: Have you met this Anthony guy? He seems really nice! He's a pacifist.



William: I could tell by the way you turned the other cheek.



Alvin: What moisturizer do you use?



Theresa: MY BODY IS READY



William: Her body is ready. I've been waiting YEARS for this.



Theresa: I know I was always your one incorruptible agent.
William: Alvin's incorruptible too, but 1) it's because he's stupid and 2) if you mean "agent who wouldn't let me fuck them," well, yeah. I never tried with him.



William: Alvin's one of my best friends, though. I'm not sure I want to fuck his wife. Wives generally, fuck yeah, but still.



Deborah: I'm glad we're still close.
Michael: You're in my way.



Michael: And in my heart!
Deborah: Oh, Michael!
Michael: And in my way.



Deborah: Honestly I'm surprised the game hasn't pushed us apart yet.



Deborah: It must be fate!
Michael: "How was the wedding, honey?" "Oh, you know. The bride groped me and an old flame ground my crotch."



Theresa: I've spent too long in Alvin's orbit. I'm tired of going in circles.



Alvin: NOBODY's hero is CECILIA!
Belinda the Malevolent: She's a popular figure in the violent murderer community!
Michael: What am I doing down here?



Theresa: Ember's daughter got that hot Hunter S. Thompson dude. Rebecca got that scary warlock. What does Theresa get? Stabbed with a fork.



♪ Everythin' you had is gone, as you can see... that's what you get for lovin' me ♪

CLICK

♪ He brought disaster wherever he went ♪

CLICK

♪ Some folks fool themselves, I guess... they're not foolin' me! ♪

Uma: I love your wedding mix!



Belinda the Malevolent: Turn me on, baby.

♪ And if you can't be with the one you love ♪



♪ Love the one you're with ♪



Alvin: Yeah, why not.



Chelsea: Y'all doing some weird tableau thing?



Theresa: I'm sick of being secondary to a one-note joke character. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'm hot, dammit.
William: So you should-
Theresa: -stop doing what other people say, yes.
William: That's not what I-
Theresa: ♪ I ain't gonna neeeeeeeed any more advice. ♪



William: Bros love self-determination!



Theresa: I don't need your validation. But I don't mind it either.



Alvin: Give me a second chance.
Theresa: No! I only HAVE two cheeks.



Alvin: I'd offer to kiss it better, but I don't want to taste your blood.



Alvin: I got carried away! I made mistakes!
Irvin: EXCLUSIVELY MISTAKES



Theresa: Sorry, dude. I'm already all horned-up, and men are so ugly when they cry.



Irvin: THE HEADLINES LIE



♪ If you're down and confused ♪

Michael: Man! Statue of Vicky Enriquez has got WILD dance moves!



♪ And you don't remember who you're talkin' to ♪

Michael: Also I'm insane, apparently.



♪ Concentration slips away ♪

Michael: I like your dress.
Theresa: Because it's gold.
Michael: Because it's gold, yes.



♪ Because your baby is so far away ♪

Michael: Yeah, it's a nice dress, but it's really getting in the way.



♪ Don't be angry ♪

Evelyn: I'm emotionally-neutral.



♪ Don't be sad ♪

Irvin: HOW



♪ Don't sit cryin' ♪

William: Shittin'.



♪ Over good times you had ♪

Uma: This barely qualifies.



♪ There's a girl right next to you ♪

Michael: Definitely a woman.



♪ And she's just waitin' for somethin' to do ♪

Irvin: And I don't wanna be here when she does it.



♪ And there's a rose in the fisted glove ♪

Michael: Someone got paid to write that nonsense.



♪ And the eagle flies with the dove ♪

Michael: I'm the ea-
Theresa: You're the dove.



♪ And if you can't be with the one you love ♪

Michael: Whoever that is.



♪ Love the one you're with ♪



Michael: Amen.

Next time: ♪ She's a girl, and you're a boy, so get it together, make it nice. ♪

This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 September 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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