Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
In which we celebrate Valentine's Day with the death of a marriage.
Instead of the deaths of mobsters.
That comes later.
Alvin: I think it was a success, overall.
Theresa: It certainly cleared some things UP.
Alvin: Thank you for missing my marriage.
Dagmar: Wouldn't make it for the world!
Dagmar: Can I slap him?
You wouldn't be the first.
Michael: Where we headed?
Theresa: I want some new, non-Alvin-themed clothes.
Michael: So, H&M? The Tailor?
Theresa: No, we're doing a callback.
Michael: Not gonna lie; as a Fortune Sim I am not SUPER turned on by convenience store clothing.
Michael: Then again, hopefully you won't be wearing it long.
Michael: You don't own a cell phone?
Theresa: My good looks are obviously distracting you from the fact that I wasn't a playable until, like, yesterday.
Theresa: Anyway Alvin has my workphone, and as much as the idea of talking shit to him while you and I fuck has its appeal, hearing his voice while you and I fuck does not.
William: The take-away from that is the fucking, obviously.
Theresa: You can take me away and fuck me any time, boss!
Theresa: Except this time. It's Michael's turn.
William: That's fair. He doesn't get many.
Michael: He doesn't get any.
Brooke: But he's getting some soon!
Theresa: I can't believe he cheated on me.
Michael: While you were cheating on him.
Theresa: I know! The nerve!
Theresa: Goodnight, Mrs. Woodrow.
Theresa: It's time to Leive again.
Michael: You didn't want to take the bandage off, while you were changing?
Theresa: I wanted to remind myself why I was changing.
Michael: The important things didn't change.
Theresa: Where to now?
Michael: I know a little place. Several little places, in fact.
Michael: Also I own them.
Theresa: This place has the most fantastic views!
Michael: Yes, from here I can see all the people whose money is in the orbit of my businesses. It's quite beautiful.
Theresa: Do you ever not think about money?
Theresa: Even when you're thinking about sex?
Michael: I'm a special man. I can think about two things at once.
Theresa: That IS special.
Theresa: You gonna show me around?
Michael: I'm gonna show you a point.
Nothing brings people together like wordplay.
Theresa: I love your awards!
Michael: I love them too.
Theresa: So are we just playing at this, or are we gonna actually do it.
Michael: We're both pissed off, and hatefucks passed up are hatefucks you never get a second swing at.
Theresa: Does the idea appeal to you beyond its capacity for vengeance satisfaction?
Michael: If you can wrap your lips around that sentence, I can't even imagine what else you can do with them.
Theresa: This is a bookstore. It's got imagination to spare.
Michael: They're all books about money, actually.
Theresa: I'll loan you my imagination, then.
I loaned that joke from Serial Adultery.
Luckily, very few people read it.
Theresa: Alright, get your dick out before he starts whining.
Theresa: There's a gypsy outside.
Michael: Man, I love that song.
Michael: ♪ And every night all the men would come around... and lay their money down ♪ Man, I could listen to that line on loop for hours.
Michael: Speaking of things I could do for hours...
Theresa: Erection, your honour!
Thank god he was wearing the robe, I might never have thought of that joke otherwise.
And most of the judging in this story is in the past.
Michael: Good news! No more judgement.
Actually I'm judging your expressions a little.
Theresa: I really like that award.
Michael: Hard porn is its own reward.
Michael: Are you gonna stare at that thing the entire time?
Theresa: My orgasms are none of your concern.
Michael: That's something a dude likes to hear!
♪ And you light my evenin' store with burnin' hate ♪
Michael: ♪ I'm just a fuck-a-fuck-a-burnin' hate ♪
Theresa: We found a way to enjoy the view even more.
Michael: I call this position the Down Payment!
Michael: Wave hello to the nice stereotype.
Michael: ...I think I just made a deposit.
Theresa: You might as well build up a credit rating, then.
Theresa: Your visible penis feels great in my invisible vagina!
Theresa: If I couldn't feel it, I wouldn't know it was there, but MAN can I feel it!
Michael: Ohhhh boy, here comes a cash infusion.
This one's the money shot.
Michael: YESSSSSS FINANCIAL HUMOUR ORGASM
Michael: Why am I grabbing her ribs.
Felicia: You didn't say anything about floor sex. You must be broken.
Theresa: The roof? Again?
Michael: Baby, I'm hot outside.
Michael: Don't DO that! You made me think a witch was behind me.
Theresa: Instead of a WIZARD behind ME!
Theresa: A financial wizard.
Michael: I just came.
Theresa: And I'm going!
Michael: I just came... again?
Theresa: Is that even-
Michael: It isn't!
I DON'T THINK WE NEED ANY MATCHMAKING HERE, THANKS
Michael: Marriage is neat, but there's nothing like playing the field.
Theresa: Alright, I'm full.
Theresa: YOU HEARD ME
Michael: I had a lovely time.
Theresa: I had a ton of fucking. Which is better.
Theresa: Get that thing out of me before it freezes in there.
Michael: Call me?
Michael: ♪ Do-doot doot do doot do do-doot! ♪
Irvin: This weird old man followed me home.
Alvin: I've lost her.
William: At least you got to have her.
Irvin: Dude. Small ears are listening.
William: I can hook you up. With, you know, a hooker.
Alvin: I'm a secret agent. I know how to find my own HOOKERS.
Irvin: How are you with newspapers?
Alvin: I've been looking for love in all the wrong careers.
Alvin: Wanna be my Science buddy?
Abigail: Sure, I need to blow off some steam and it only wastes precious time when I do it in my own chapters.
Yvette: Aw, she tolerates you! In certain strictly delimited situations.
Alvin: Why can't you be one of those senile nannies.
Abigail: Something you need to talk about, kid?
Irvin: His name is FUCK DADDY and FUCK THERESA and FUCK THE MAID and-
Theresa: ...I'll come back later.
Alvin: Haha, lookit dem titties.
I was all ready to freak out when I saw how bad this no-ceiling shot was, until I realized I probably took it intentionally because Alvin was talking about the sky, and by then I didn't have enough energy to make a proper caption.
So... you're welcome.
Alvin: My wife left me.
Abigail: You were married?
Alvin: It was... uh... recent.
Abigail: I can only spare enough time for a blowjob.
Alvin: Throw in some pre-conjugal tonsil hockey and you've got-
Irvin: SMALL EARS
Evil Snowman: .oO(Now THAT's just MEAN.)
Michael: I fucked your wife. YOWZA!
Michael: I'm taking out your trash. Now we're even.
Alvin: That does NOT compute.
♪ And the walls came down ♪
Irvin: ♪ ALL THE WAY TO HELL ♪
Alvin: I never saw them when they were standing, anyway.
Abigail: I never saw them when they fell!
Yvette: You could just look now.
Irvin: I CAN'T
Abigail: Presumably he won't follow us upstairs.
Alvin: It would be illogical.
Abigail: Good, kids always do the logical thing.
Alvin: How do you take this thing off?
Abigail: Exactly. I take it off.
Irvin: Do ANY ONE THING
Alvin: He shoots, HE SCORES!
Alvin: He waits.
Alvin: Ooh, retractable!
Alvin: Isn't that where the Wookiees are from?
Alvin: "Wookiee" rhymes with "nookie."
Abigail: I don't want to blow you if it means you're gonna be the only one who can talk.
Alvin: I just read Faye Keefer's article on prequantum dynaoscillation sequences. I can recite it for you verbatim.
Abigail: Thirty pages of blowjob, coming up!
Alvin: And... when the inversion manifold... is ex-ci-I-I-TED...! Whew!
Abigail: She actually wrote "whew" in a published paper? Wow.
Abigail: Their standards must be even lower than mine are now.
Alvin: AND WHEN THE HYPERATOMIC RELAY SIGNATURE IS RUN PARALLEL TO THE OH MY GOD THAT THING WITH THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Alvin: Someone needs to write an article on THAT.
Abigail: Tehw me mohw abowt de weway signatuhw.
Abigail: Job's done. Back to work.
Abigail: We scientists hear so little of it.
Abigail: It's been a pleasure pleasuring you.
Michael: Wow, it didn't take long for this place to go to the dumps.
Irvin: We were in a hurry, so we brought the dumps to us.
Alvin: Go wash your mouth out.
Abigail: Don't need to. Nanites were doing it for me in real-time.
Alvin: Where were they depositing the output?
Abigail: In your penis.
Alvin: I'm gonna take a screaming piss and I don't want you to hear.
Yvette: I really appreciate it.
Alvin: Also I'm sick of looking at you.
Irvin: You'll be ACTUALLY sick, soon!
PICK UP THE CAN AND THROW IT OUT
Irvin: I'm a kid! Anything with two or more steps sounds endless.
Laci: Wow. I'm gone a few days and there's trash everywhere, the roofs are gone, and invaders at the door.
Evil Snowman: .oO(ROME HAS FALLEN)
Alvin: Hey kid!
Hey Kid: How did you know my name?
Alvin: SYMBOLIC DESTRUCTION
Hey Kid: He must be facing circumstances beyond his control, and acting out within the bounds available to him!
Hey Kid: This may afford him some measure of catharsis, but is unlikely to address the underlying issues leading to the outburst.
Hey Kid: Anyway, gotta go finish my colouring homework. See ya!
Hey Kid: Maybe see a doctor.
Hey Kid: AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON
Hey Kid: 's fuckin' freezin' out here.
Irvin: I HOPE I CATCH COLD AND DIE
Alvin: Well well well, if it isn't A BONER
Erik: Don't tease.
Erik: BOO SNOW HANNIBAL, YOU HAVE FAILED
Irvin: Who's depressed, exhausted, and signing off on behalf of their shitty family? These small ears.
Next time: downstairs -> upstairs.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 September 2012.
Because apparently I had that entire damn day to fuck around on the computer?