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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 420


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which thank god there's a bubble blower image, I was afraid there wouldn't be.

Yay coincidence!



Soon to be renamed "Abi and the Gails."



Abigail: Yeah, send him along. The cheque is in the mail. AGAIN.



Abigail: Man, that green smoke gets me every time.



Abigail: Speaking of "every time," do you guys think you could see your way clear to dying less often?



Beatriz: Yeah, if there's one thing this neighbourhood doesn't need, it's less men.

Respectfully disagree!



Beatriz: Respectfully fuck you.

Respectfully accept your respectful proposal!




That taxi isn't even fully on the LOT!

Beatriz: They haven't stopped. They're trying to save on brake pads.



Nathaniel: Pads, pads, HEY BABY WANNA COME BACK TO MY PAD?!
Nick: You nailed it, pal.
Beatriz: Right? Good for him.



Asia: I can see your nipples.
Beatriz: Anyone can! Any time.



Beatriz: Especially him.
Nick: Then why are you hiding them?
Beatriz: Because I want you to ask.



Nick: Can I see you-
Beatriz: ANY TIME



Nick: How 'bout right now?
Beatriz: There an ass under there somewhere?
Asia: We're in public! :D



Pictured: me, if my eBay auctions don't go through.



Beatriz: I am cushioned from financial insolvency by my nonexistence.



Nick: We're not nonexistent! We have electronic personalities, augmented by elements of our creator's mind!
Beatriz: This is sure some sexy talk we're having.



Beatriz: Less talk, more cock.



Nathaniel: Mine's free.



Beatriz: Hey, you got bigger.
Nick: That's how attraction works.
Beatriz: No, I mean all of you got bigger.

That's how the stretchskeleton cheat works.



See?



Beatriz: I like you better down there!
Nick: You should! The stretchskeleton cheat doesn't apply the changes evenly, resulting in awkward proportions if extreme values are used!



Nick: The values don't even need to be extreme. Anything below, say, 0.96 will have stubby lower legs and stubby arms.
Beatriz: The thighs and upper arms do not distort properly!
Nick: It is easier to create a teen with adult Sim characteristics than to reduce an adult Sim to teen size.



Beatriz: ...so the humour here is that we're providing stale Sims tips when we're supposed to be making out?

I've been reading a lot of Dinosaur Comics lately, and it looked fun.



Beatriz: Dinosaur Comics still exists?

It does! And it's still very good.

Beatriz: Why are you looking at old stuff?

I'm going through my old CDs to find my old Sims.

Beatriz: Ooh! More dicks.

Yeah, they're mostly dicks.



The Irresistible Charlatan: *is also a dick*



Nick: So you've given up on actually captioning romantic images correctly, huh.

I feel like I've put my time in, with FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY CHAPTERS.



Almost a decade on, that face still rocks.



Nick: How did you make a face that good in 2010? They didn't even have custom sliders back then.

Yeah, it was dark times. The game hadn't really hit its stride SIX YEARS AFTER RELEASE.



Nathaniel: Today is a good day I think for fucking Beatrixes!
Beatrix: The plural is "Beatrices."



This is a guess.

But there were EIGHTEEN MINUTES between that pic and the next one.

So.



Abigail: Our world is so unstable.

So FIX IT, scientist!



Beatriz: Did I do anything cool?

We talked about shit I'm interested in.

Beatriz: So that's a definite "no," then.



Leonard: FOUR TWENTY MOTHERFUCKERS
Beatriz: I'm not actually your mother.



Beatriz: But I am gonna fuck him.
Abigail: Who? I missed the first part.
Beatriz: Yes. Yes, you did.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Watch the railing, Marge.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Watch your glitchy glasses, Ky.



Chris: Watch my ontology collapse!



Abigail: I wanted to thank you for keeping Kyle away. The more Murphies there are here, the likelier a tragic death. Is.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: So, about how there's two of you.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Mind if I set up my magic stuff?
Abigail: In my science room? Yes.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I don't see how it's your science room if it's plastered with naked pics.
Abigail: Attraction is science.



That's definitely the right outfit for that task.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I'VE got a task for that outfit!



Beatriz: It doesn't even have any underwear.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Perfect!



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Maybe even a little bit better than perfect.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: So hey, I'm a wizard.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I bet you've never had sex with a wizard.
Beatriz: I've never had sex with ANYBODY.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I know that's true but it LOOKS like a lie.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Just like how you kinda look like my mom WHICH ISN'T GREAT

You're not related, because of a glitch in the cloning process.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I'll be sure to tell my psychiatrist that.



Beatriz: I'm a walking pheremone cauldron. I could look like your brother, the one with the beard, and it wouldn't make a scrap of difference to what comes next.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I come next.



Beatriz: No, I do. Or you'll be sorry.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: MURPHIES ARE ALWAYS SORRY



Beatriz: It helps me that you're, like, one hundred percent Stephen.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: My dad was always a hit with the sexy ladies!
Beatriz: Some sort of accounting error in reality.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Man! This takes a lot of ingredients.
Abigail: What does?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You do.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Cleavy cleavy.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: You're so... squishy!
Beatriz: It took months to get the squish matrix just right.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I love it when a plan comes together.



Beatriz: I love it when genitals come together.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Don't rush me HEY WHAT'S ALL THAT SHIT



Abigail: Have you been preparing to turn me into a witch in advance of my actually asking you to turn me into a witch?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I know about you. You know witches exist, you want to try being one.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Let's put a little sparkle in this dingy dungeon.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Magus mutatio!
Abigail: I hope this is better than being a zombie.



Abigail: I didn't enjoy being a zombie.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You Knowledge Sims are always seeking out new experiences and then going "meh, that was boring."
Abigail: That's not true. Sometimes we seek out new experiences and half the neighbourhood dies.



Abigail: Let's see which kind of experience this is!



Abigail: Ooh, they match my eyes AND my suit!



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Oh god, am I generic now? I feel generic now.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Bea's taking up the slack.



Beatriz: Feed me ALL your slack, Kyle! Until it's TAUT.



Beatriz: Rope metaphors work particularly well for penises.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: YESSS! Two naked Stephens for the price of one mirror!



So the other day I realized I have a sealed copy of Pokémon Gold worth like six hundred bucks just sitting around.

Beatriz: Are you trying to kill the mood?



No, I'm trying to kill time.

Beatriz: ♪ It'll kill you right back ♪



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I love how you took all that whimsical witchery and reverted STRAIGHT back to your boring science gear.
Abigail Young the Nice Witch: My what science gear? Look again.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: It just... lacks a sense of wonder.
Abigail Young the Nice Witch: The only wonder I get out of what you're wearing is "I wonder if she knows how stupid she looks."



Beatriz: KYLE YOU SO HUGE



Beatriz: Let me press you back down to size.



So, does that picture help you study?

Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Don't pretend like you never put up a picture of a naked person next to your work.

Okay.



Beatriz: Who needs pictures?



It's about this point where I start checking to see how many pics of snogging are left.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: GIMME DEM MELONS



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: DEM MELONS



Beatriz: I think all your brain blood is in your crotch.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: That would explain why I'm thinking with it!



I was looking forward to cannabis legalization in Canada because then it would stop all the fucking potheads evangelizing all the damn time.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: SORRY TO INTERRUPT



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Man! She's got a fast swivel.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: And a fast body.



Beatriz: And an even faster disrobe!



Turns out that the potheads, once stripped of the opportunity to complain about legalization, shifted seamlessly into talking about the minutiae of pot strains and pot smoking devices.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD BRO



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Knowledge. Knowledge makes me feel good!

Ghostbusters synth wailing ♪



Beatriz: So, he's in a coma now.





Beatriz: Thank god THAT's settled!



Beatriz: I hope I can get through all eight of them before Abi figures it out.



Beatriz: Luckily this one's stoned.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I'mma go consider the ramifications of my actions.

Ew! Why?!



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What were you and Kyle doing all that time?
Beatriz: We weren't doing any one thing! We have more imagination than that.



Leonard: ♪ I ain't 'fraid of no brain damage! ♪



Leonard: What's up, sexy lady who looks like my BACK UP BACK UP



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I think Beatriz is up to something.
Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Well I should hope so! She's a clone of me.



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: If I were her, and I am, I wouldn't want another me interfering.



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Don't try to think that one though, you'd need to have my brain and only two people do.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You're kind of a bitch, Abigail.



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: I'm one-of-a-kind of bitch, Margaret.



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: And the kind will be increasing rapidly from here on out.



Margaret: Try not to blow anything up.
Abigail Young the Nice Witch: That's the opposite of how most important scientific breakthroughs happen.



Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Turns out I don't know where that magic castle is.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Turns out it's Inappropriately-Dressed Mopping Day.

It creeps up on me every year.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: These people are pigs.



Bradleigh: That's not true! Pigs aren't lazy.



That looks good.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You want some?

Yes. I do.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Is that awful? It sounds awful.

It's pretty awful, yeah.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Would it help if I told you we can't actually taste it?
Leonard: Maybe you can't, but that's because you're putting it in your mouth instead of up your nose like a goddamn maniac.



♪ Hedwig's Theme ♪



Beatriz: Harry Potter and the Sex with a Lady.



JJ: Harry Potter and the Sick of Getting Called Harry Potter.



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch and the Getting the Fuck Down Here Right Now!



Beatriz: You can't hide from me by turning into a bunch of flowers, Harry!



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Take this.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What is it?
Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Whatever it turns out to be if the plot requires it later.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I guess I'll thank you when it becomes relevant?



Beatriz: You know, you're a lot like your brother.
Leonard: In the sense that...?
Beatriz: In the sense that I'm going to have sex with you.



Leonard: Hello, anybody? Literally anybody.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: They WILL come off, I just haven't scrubbed HARD ENOUGH yet!



Bradleigh: Lady tickles!
Beatriz: The one weakness of my sexy façade!

You know you do too much architectural history when you need to have that "ç" close to hand at all times.



Leonard: So you're not related to me?
Bradleigh: THEN WHY'S SHE EATING OUR SOUP



Beatriz: Just because I look like your mother doesn't mean I am your mother.
Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Otherwise the world would end when we touch.
Beatriz: Not that we'll be touching often.
Abigail Young the Nice Witch: Oh god no.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Let's make them even less distinguishable. Magus Mutatio!



Beatriz: I have to glow.



Andrea: *has a girl's version of her dad's name*

I didn't have anything else to say.



Kelsey: *is a hobo*



Leonard: Oh, sure. Get magic powers, why don't you.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: All the cool characters are doing it!



Leonard: Make sure you learn a resurrection spell. At §10 000 a pop it's starting to get expensive.

You know you do too much Sims stuff when you need to have that "§" close to hand at all times.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Beatriz is a good witch name.

So's Margaret!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch, though, is a horrific witch name.



Leonard: This is pretty horrific.



Beatriz the Nice Witch: I am feeling extremely off-brand right now.



Beatriz the Nice Witch: You realize that evil witchery would suit my appearance better.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I haven't made a habit of realizing things. Around here that's just a recipe for sorrow.



Leonard: Andrea! Is a person I know!
Andrea: Murphy! I'm gonna call you Murphy.



Leonard: And then she turned into Margaret.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Yep, that's what happened alright.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: We don't actually have anything in common.
Leonard: Nope.



Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: It's one of my best qualities!



Sure wish I knew what ANY OF THIS WAS



I know what this is, at least.



This is hot.



Abigail Young the Nice Witch: God, literally half of this book is bad limericks.



Abigail Young the Witch: There once was a girl from Sharpesvale / With a hat which looked like a pail / She read a dumb book / And it fucked up her look / Because magic is nothing but FAIL



Beatriz the Nice Witch: The flying is nice.



Beatriz the Nice Witch: Too bad you wasted "Witchy Woman."

I could do "Voodoo Thing" by Colin James.

Beatriz the Nice Witch: Ew.

How about "Livin' La Vida-"

Beatriz the Nice Witch: EW EW EW




Beatriz the Nice Witch: Don't touch anything, we're not crashing this bitch TWICE.



Beatriz the Nice Witch: Hey, didn't you man-date my not-son?
Brady: I don't know how to answer whatever that was.



I don't think I noticed that giant nipple spot before.

I probably won't notice anything else now.



Nerissa: OH GOD THE FALLOUT'S STARTED
Beatriz the Nice Witch: That's snow, my girl!



Nerissa: Oh. Good. I assumed Cecilia'd put her plan into NEVER MIND GOODBYE



Give whoever modelled that hair a job.



Abigail Young the Warlock: You like it?

I think I'm gonna ask it to marry me.



Beatriz the Nice Witch: Who needs marriage when you've got fucking?
Leonard: You want god to fuck my mom's hair?

The hits keep comin'.



Bradleigh: There's so much character shit in this room I feel like I'm gonna wake up named Brooke.



Beatriz the Nice Witch: We don't need more of those.



Leonard: We don't need more of anything.

Especially Murphies.



And Sharpes.



Leonard: And boobs!

Now hold on a minute.



Leonard: You're a very pretty lady, old man!
Bradleigh: Thanks! You're ugly.



Leonard: MY WIFE BETRAYED ME
Bradleigh: I FUCK YOUNG MEN



Abigail Young the Neutral Witch: I am still a main character.

Still main after all these years!

Next time: magic girls gone wild!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 11 November 2012.

Never forget?

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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