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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 425


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which Past Grugly takes a series of really quite good pics for perhaps the first time ever?



I think there's a spy amongst you.

You... other spies.



I guess he's gonna die now.

Since he'll never get to go inside to dry off.



Cory: And then that happened.



Jane: Bet he wishes our country had a half-decent medical system, huh?



Cory: Too soon, Jane.



Jane: That's what the senate keeps saying, yeah.



Cory: Ever seen a sideways vagina?



Ally: I'm MAD.

About?

Ally: NEWSPAPERS.

Legit!



Ally: Fuck you, Laci, and your invisible magazines!



Ally: I'm gonna hold my breath and strike a stupid pose until I get in the title image.

I already picked the title image. You're not in it.

Ally: That's racist!

It's of a different black woman.

Ally: That's... fair.



Aw, man. If I could only split this chapter in two, I'd use this as the first pic.

Ally: You could still do that.

I can't, though, because I've already established what chapter Chapter 737 is.

Stupid April Fool's.



In consolation, here's Allie from Charnel Knowledge.

Ally: My name's changed.

A bit.

Ally: My face has changed.

Yep.

Ally: My team's changed?

You're hot, though.

Ally: Yeah, that hasn't changed.



Ally: Take off, white lady, we're doing black lady pics only today.
Chris: ...I'm black.
Ally: They re-defining terms on me again?



Chris: Maybe a comparitive shot will help.



Jade: Yeah, you're pretty black next to THIS dude.



Jade: But next to the other dude...



Alvin: Some rando outside told me to be next to you.



Cory: Maybe you'll see her again! At your funeral.



Alvin: I'm not gonna have a funeral. I'm gonna have them put my ashes in a rocket and fire it into Elon Musk's house.



Cory: I'm glad you made plans already, I'd hate to have to guess.



Alvin: Pretty nice hideout you've got here.
Cory: It's not a hideout, it's a home.
Alvin: Secret agents have homes. Double agents have hideouts.



Cory: Supervillians have hideouts. Double agents have safe houses.
Alvin: How safe can it be, though, if I walked right in?



Cory: Meh. If I kill you, someone'll come looking, and maybe they won't be an idiot.



Cory: So fuck it.



Alvin: Aww. I was really looking forward to seeing which religions are wrong! My money was on all of them.



Alvin: Go ahead, shoot. I promise not to look all sad and make you feel guilty.



Alvin: You could bury my ashes at sea!
Cory: I'm not going anywhere near a cruise ship right now.
Alvin: What an unscientific approach.
Cory: You don't think cruise ships are unhealthy right now?
Alvin: I think cruise ships are unhealty all the time.



Cory: Right! All those old people.
Alvin: I still think it's ridiculous that Umbrella Inc. only had one or two virus labs on cruise ships, instead of, like, all of them.



Alvin: That's where I'd put my virus labs, anyway.
Cory: Not that you'd ever operate a virus lab.
Alvin: I wouldn't?



Cory: I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have asked you to join my secret spy club instead of Laci and Brandi and whatserface.
Alvin: Jane!
Cory: Who's that?



Alvin: What's your secret spy club do?
Cory: We plan secret birthday parties for William!
Alvin: I'LL NEVER TELL



Alvin: Make sure there's strippers. The kind you fuck.



Alvin: This place is so roomy, so spacious...
Cory: You're welcome to stay here whenever I like.



Alvin: How about nex-
Cory: We're busy.
Alvin: I didn't even name a day
Cory: Yeah, we're busy that day.
Alvin: Who's "we"?
Cory: Me and the house.



Cory: I only let hot chicks live here, dude! For smoochin'.
Alvin: You should check out the mail lady, then! I hear she's black, like you.



Cory: ...you think I should check her out because she's black, like me?
Alvin: I thought you'd like to meet someone who likes your music and can respect your street cred!



Alvin: That's black people, right? Or is it metrosexuals?



Alvin: Fuckin' metrosexuals.



Cory: It's not at all terrifying that you're a parent, Alvin.
Alvin: It isn't? It is to me.



Alvin: THIS HOT CHICK REMINDS ME OF THE WIFE I JUST LOST
Chris: You've lost me, too! By virtue of never having had a chance to have me.



Sometimes the RNG works.



Cory: ♪ Take a letter, Maria! ♪
Chris: I'm Chris.
Cory: ♪ Address it to my wife ♪
Chris: Do I know who that is?
Cory: ♪ Say I won't be comin' home ♪
Chris: Isn't this your home?
Cory: ♪ Gonna start a new life! ♪
Chris: In your pajamas?



Cory: I like a chick who can handle a point-by-point rebuttal.



Cory: So, typically I shoot people who trespass in my hideHOUSE...!
Chris: Ooh, this is a hide house? I need a new pair of boots.



Cory: This is the headquarters of a secret organization of secrets.
Chris: That's a lot of secrets for me to have been able to just waltz the heck right in here.



Cory: That other secret agent let you in.
Chris: THAT was a SECRET AGENT? Wow. I can see why you'd want to keep that under wraps.



Chris: It would be a serious blow to your reputation if people knew Alvin Woodrow was secret agent material.



Chris: The cops would bring you all in on automatic suspicion of accidental treason.



Cory: Fuck you.



Chris: If you play your cards right.



Chris: You looking for a new agent, by any chance?
Jane: No!
Cory: Don't listen to her, she's just jealous because I can never remember her name.



Chris: I could help you destabilize the world economic system!
Cory: We already did that.
Chris: Install Simnation-favourable dictators across the third world!
Cory: Did that too.
Chris: Compile dossiers on the public?
Cory: Yup.
Chris: I know, I just wanted to complain.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I'd pick it up, but I only move stuff magically now.

So pick it up magically?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: What, and get my magic all dirty?



Cory: Alright, I have to go to work. Kill some people, steal some shit, you know the deal.
Chris: Yeah, I have a lot of experience with that, as a mail carrier.



Blazej: Did you kidnap the mail lady?
Cory: I think she kidnapped herself.



Chris: Think I'll use the facilities, make myself a playable.



Chris: Okay! Losing the NPC outfit is a good place to start.



Chris: Let's see if there's anything good in the reject pile.



Chris: There isn't.



Chris: This isn't bad!

It isn't good.

Chris: IT'S A PROCESS



Chris: Man! I've already got near-playable level genetics!

It's still a face template.

Chris: I've seen "Nip/Tuck," I know what to do.



Chris: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have!



What're the glasses for?

Chris: I'm in disguise.



You gonna take them off before you...?

Chris: I like to live dangerously.



That checks out.



Congratulations! You didn't get your face sucked off.



Chris: I think I'll celebrate by sucking someone else off with my face!



I dunno, the changes are pretty subtle.

Chris: I further buttonized my nose.

Subtle but FANTASTIC.



Chris: Naaaailed it.



Hey. Hey. Past Grugly.

There's no texture on those shoulders.



Past Grugly?



Aw, Past Grugly, you were doing so well.



Chris: Now I think Cory's hot!

He is hot.

Chris: But now I think it!



Oh no! The townie trap caught someone ATTRACTIVE!



And PROactive!



Jill: And radioactive.

No.

Jill: ♪ I'm- ♪

NO

Jill: ♪ RADIOAC- ♪

NO NO NO NO



Jill: But... ♪ I feel it in my bones! ♪



Chris: Speaking of feeling, and bones...



Chris: Please tell me someone here owns some non-dowdy undergarments.



Cory: I know you're in the trunk, dude.



Jane: Who're you talkin' to, hot stuff?
Cory: Who're you, not stuff?



Alvin: I was hiding in the glove compartment, I'll have you know.



Alvin: Does this trash can owe someone money?



Alvin: Hi, plain!
Jane: JANE.
Alvin: Wow! You know both halves! Good for you.



Cory: Meanwhile, good for me!



Chris: Good for both of us, hopefully.



Cory: Is this your job interview?
Chris: You'll find I'm the most experienced applicant.



Cory: Let's talk about your strengths, and my weaknesses.



Jane: I'm sick of everybody making fun of my name. There's a literal cop named LITERALLY "TISH" on the Centreborough force.
Alvin: Yeah, but not everybody knows what that's slang for.



Alvin: I don't know what that's slang for.



Jane: It's slang for shit, Alvin.
Alvin: Get your tishy hand off my hand.



Jane: You wanna fool around?
Alvin: I'm a scientist! I'm incapable of foolery, tom- or otherwise!



Alvin: Also I'm married?
Jane: Your wife was last seen fucking a jackass on a roof.
Alvin: Donkey fetishes aren't grounds for divorce!



Alvin: I'mma go stake some vampires.



Chris: WE ARE ENGAGING IN EUPHEMISM



Chris: Wow, seriously?
Cory: Yep. The thread count is so high, it makes my bed look like straw.



Cory: You'd look cool with hearts all 'round you.



Chris: Like this?



Cory: Like Chris.



Chris: Like Chris?
Cory: Like, a lot.



Chris: Good, 'cuz I promised the readers a blowjob earlier on and I'd hate to disappoint both of them.



Cory: There's more than TWO.

They're all silent, though.

Cory: They're probably masturb-



Chris: I stuck my hair in his mouth.

Thank you.



Chris: It's a sticking-things-in-mouths kind of night!



Cory: Alright, let's see. There's a combo lock, a logic puzzle AND a skill-testing question.



Cory: Your skill test comes next.



Chris: I like a man who can take off a bra with only twenty minutes' work.



Cory: I like a woman with a taken-off bra!



Chris: This is a bit obtrusive for a secret agent.



Cory: Seduction is part of the craft!
Chris: I don't need to seduce you. You're already seduced.



Chris: Man, I wish I'd known when you were coming home. I was lying on that bed for like four hours.



Cory: So, you don't wanna lay on it again?
Chris: I didn't say that.



Jane: Anybody want some sweet, sweet base-game tits?



Jane: Anybody?



Chris: You gonna keep staring at my tits?
Cory: They gonna keep being there?



Cory: Gosh, I hope they are.



Cory: Did you do something to your nose?
Chris: I gave it a job.



Cory: What's its job?
Chris: Getting your attention.



Cory: Give that nose a promotion.



Chris: You know, dude, you are just about the hottest, most evil-looking dude I've seen in this town full of hot, evil dudes!



Cory: I try! Not very hard, but.



Chris: You're not very hard?
Cory: That is DEFINITELY not what I said.



Chris: I can do puzzles too.



Chris: Is this a good idea?

No.

Chris: Good.



Cory: Play your cards right, baby, and I might play my cards right!



I wish you guys would do something funny, instead of this.



Or maybe I wish I hadn't taken so many pictures of this.



Cory: Keep takin' 'em.

I really can't.

Cory: KEEP TAKIN' 'EM



Chris: Take me.

Gladly!



Chris: I was talking to the well-hung, well-built spy dude.

You don't know that I'm not-

Chris: Be reasonable.



Cory: Me?
Chris: No! You, be unreasonable!



Cory: Good, I haven't got enough blood left above my pelvis for reason.



Chris: Let's start putting that blood to good use, then.
Cory: Sex and implied violence: my most favouritest combination!



JUST FUCK ALREADY



Cory: Who says we aren't?



God, what happened to your sheets?

Cory: How are you looking at the SHEETS?!



Chris: It does look weird.



Cory: I believe you. I can't even see straight.



Cory: ...are you even putting it in?









Cory: You're not!



Chris: I'm a cocktease!



Chris: OOF
Cory: He doesn't like being teased.



Cory: I mean, past a point.



Cory: This is super gross.



Cory: I'm gonna have nightmares.



Elle: Loser party! Glad nobody invited me.



Chris: Thanks for indulging us.

I wasn't indulging you, I was indulging Past Grugly.

Past Grugly: I was very horny! And didn't have mental problems yet.

I hate you, Past Grugly.



Chris: I love you, present Cory!



Cory: You have infiltrated my heart.
Chris: Now, to plant the explosives!
Cory: What?



Chris: Nothin'.



Venkat Kramer: Check out Aurora Boreawesome over here!



Jane: Cory, be a dear and go kill those losers.



Past Grugly, be a dear and retain these suddenly-obtained picture-taking skills.

Past Grugly: No promises, bad future dude.

Next time: ...

...

Yeah.

This is the bad future.

Boo.

Next time: taking it all on the dance floor.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 2 December 2012 to 3 December 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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