gruglysims (gruglysims) wrote,
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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 429


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which substitutions are made.



It's so nice that these statues have a loving family to stay home with.



Nick: If they made a statue of Uma, I'm just sayin', I'd fuck it.



Uma: ...thanks?



Nick: Damn right!



Nick: Know what's dumb? Zombies.

Anti-advertising for my next novel!



Nick: Know what's also dumb? Getting up, and getting dressed.

So dumb.



Nick: But zombies particularly.



Uma: I'm so glad you don't want me for my brains.



Nick: Yeah, yours especially.



Andrea: You know, this place would make a great fortress.
Neila: Okay.
Andrea: I can think of ten different ways to barricade each room!
Neila: Great.



Nick: The things I can think of ten different ways to do are a lot more fun.



Then how come y'all keep doing the SAME SINGLE WAYS?!

Nick: I said they're different. I did not say they're equally fun!



Only the Sharpes would be able to sex with all these family portraits everywhere.



Uma: Yep, they're pretty gross. Luckily they're also pretty hot!
Nick: Hell yeah!
Uma: I mean, this one's ugly as fuck, but he's got a huge dick.



Nick: And I am a huge dick, too!



Uma: It's depressing to hear that you realize it.



Michael: Something's... gonna happen. Here.

That ENTROPY mind control getting to you again?

Michael: I don't think so? It's more that you wouldn't have put all that effort into the house otherwise.

Yeah.

Michael: You lazy fuck.

Yeah.



Nick: He's in bad company.



Uma: We've decided laziness is a lifestyle.



Bradleigh: FEED YOUR FUCKING DOG YOU JERK



Bradleigh: Or don't! I'm cool with calling the cops.



Chief: .oO(Woof?)



TWENTY-FIVE BUCKS?

She's like TEN.

Eat the rich.



Don't y'all have school? Or jobs?

Uma: No, we have money.



I wish I had money.



And Abigail.



William Jr.: That thing got a hemi?



Meanwhile, Samantha is a hovercraft.



William Jr.: They wouldn't give me so much homework if they saw how unworkable my home is.



Samantha: I'm sure there's somewhere in this house where we won't be assaulted with nudity, staring faces or evidence of our family's closet skeletons. We just haven't found it yet.
Nick: Try the bathrooms.



Uma: Don't try ours. The maids can't teleport and we refuse to do their work for them.



Uma: Mouth. MOUUUUUUTH. Man, it is difficult to teach this thing how to speak!



Neila: Are you... talking about... the phonebook?
Uma: I am very drunk.



Neila: But it is very early!
Uma: I prefer to think of it as very late.



Neila: Wow! This is like Facebook, only you can actually find people on it! In it.



Neila: For a given definition of "people."



Neila: You gonna invite anyone over?
Uma: No, I'm gonna hog the hooch.



Uma: Inviting people over is always a mistake anyway.
William: Tell me about it.



William: That's right. Only take the shot if I signal you. Bye.



William: UH IT WAS MY CHIROPRACTOR
Agatha: Ooh! Can you hook me up?



Leonard: Yeah, I don't really leave the house anymore.
Neila: Why not?
Leonard: I don't like to over-analyze things, but you can only die so many times before you start connecting dots.



William: Well anyway, Agatha.
Agatha: Thanks for the ride home!
William: This is my home.
Agatha: Oh, that's not how it's supposed to work?



William: Hmm.
Agatha: What?
William: Something hilarious seems to have happened to my standards.



Bradleigh: EAT THE RICH



Chief: .oO(Thinking about it.)



Agatha: Hey, dude.
Bradleigh: Sigh.



William: She's not my kind of woman.

That's terrible.

William: Not what I mean! I mean she farts too much.



William: I respect your identity! Just not your farts.



Neila: I dunno, I figured I'd just go through the Murphy list until I found one who wasn't boring or dead.
Leonard: I've been both. Like, a bunch.



William: HEYYYYYYYYYY



Victor: Heyyyyy! Ya jackass.



Victor: Home, sour home.



William: How was your trip?
Victor: Sexy.
William: Nice.



Samantha: Guess I'm no art critic.



William: Guess I am!



Neila: Yeah, our house is basically full of useless slobs now.
Uma: Tell him we smell bad too, and don't have any booze.



Samantha: Okay, buddy, do you expect me to believe you were just passing by our house ALONE UP A HALF-MILE HILL?!



Neila: My dude alarm went off.
Samantha: You've really got your pick, right now.



Neila: I pick this one!
Leonard: I've never been picked before!
Neila: I'm sure you've been picked on.



Neila: This is Bradleigh. She lives in the trees now or something.



Neila: Apparently that was a long story.



Leonard: Time flies when your life is compressed.



Victor: You're looking at me weird.
Valerie: You're looking weird.





Nick: YOU TAKE THAT BACK



Nick: WHATEVER IT WAS



Valerie was so scared she... teleported?



Valerie: Time for a change! WOO!

Not that change.

Valerie: Not this change! WOOOO!



Nick: Let's bury the hatchet, figuratively, before we have to do it literally.



Valerie: Speaking of.



Victor: I'm just saying, you shouldn't steal my girlfriends.
Nick: I can't hear you. We need a playground go-between.



Nick: So I ground him up, and we're eating him now.



William Jr.: It's true, then. A little cheese makes anything better!



Victor: Open up, Sheba!



William: So, are you pretending to be Vicki, or...
Valerie: I was gonna play it by ear.



Nick: Oh, thank god, it's Aunt Valerie. I thought we'd missed a lot in that missing scene.



Nick: No, hey, it's cool to do that right in my face.



Valerie: I thought you might be missing her, and hey, why let a good look go to waste?



Nick: You won't be able to take that outside. You can't teleport with shit in your hands.
Uma: So what do we do with the garbage?
Nick: Slowly drown in it, I guess?



William: If I fuck you like this, can Vicki sue?



Neila: I'm just saying you'd look funny with half of Will Jr.'s head!
Nick: Will NOTHING repel you?!



I've been reading the Resident Evil novelizations.

Valerie: Here we go.



They're pretty good, but the best part is how the author tries to rationalize all the ridiculous fucking puzzles.

Valerie: She puts... the PUZZLES... in the BOOK?!
William: That's.... UUNNNNGH... ridiculous!



William: Wow! I look... wowed!



The second-best part is how every time a new game came out it directly contradicted what the author wrote, and she had to try and make it work.

Kind of like how half the time I can't remember my own story for the Chronicles, and half of the remaining half of the time, when I can, I intentionally subvert it anyway.



I think this is gonna take a while. I might need to think up multiple random topics to discuss.



William: Tell them about how you're jobless!

I don't want to talk about that.

William: Well we don't want you to talk at all, so it's a good compromise!



Valerie: My feet look STUPID.



William: They're not so bad from a distance.



This sex mod is pretty good, with the teensy tiny problem that while it's installed, your Sims have absolutely zero free will.

Valerie: ...does that make it a rape mod?

...no.



William: That's good, because one of my favourite applications of free will is not raping people.



Valerie: That's the best sex I've ever had while talking about rape!



It's only his face because Captain Sparkles doesn't have an icon.



Fixed.



Valerie: It's never nice to say "fixed" in the context of a man's penis.



William: I dunno, I'd say it's "fixed" a lot of my problems in life!
Neila: And introduced new, horrific problems for others!



Neila: Feel free to fuck off. My bed.



William: It's your fault for sleeping at her arm level.



William: NEW DEPTHS OF DEPRAVITY



Neila: I dunno, I still think you've done worse.



William: You getting off on this, up there?

I might've been in 2012.

Right now I'm getting off on how well I'm typing.

William: Christ, that again?!



Considering you only exist when I'm typing...

William: YES! I should probably not be discouraging you.



William: I am very fond of my existence right now.



So, uh...

Nobody wants to know why I had a drawing of William's dick lying around, huh?



Maybe I'll tell you anyway.



...there's a picture of William's dick in the second book.

Neila: Why not? Everyone reading this version of the story's already seen it, like, a billion times.



William: Yeah, he gets around alright!



William: Honestly though, at this size he's basically a public resource. Keeping him in my pants would be like shutting down radio waves.



William: CAN'T STOP THE SIGNAL



It's a toss-up for me whether it's more effort to decide which of these pics to keep or to keep captioning them all indiscriminately.

William: Yeah, you're putting so much effort into these captions.



Fine, I'll start presenting them without comment.

It's not like there's anything weird or confusing in any of them.



Valerie: WAS THERE SOMETHING



Valerie: HOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WOW



William: Yeah, it's a lot all at once, eh?



Neila: If only y'all had your own bedroom.



Valerie: MAN! That's a deep dive.



Valerie: I think you're rearranging my organs!



Valerie: OH GOD, HE'S SWIRLING IT



William: Captain Swizzle!



Valerie: That's a better name.
William: It doesn't do justice to the Captain's explosive nature, though.



Valerie: I feel like I'm missing something.



Valerie: But it's hard to feel that while I'm also getting something.



That's Neila's grope chest.



William: Symmetry!



William: Carnal symmetry.



Neila: Fearful symmetry.



Neila: Specifically, I'm afraid you're gonna be doing that-
William and Valerie: ALL NIGHT LONG



Valerie: SO long.



Valerie: Visible from SPACE long!



Valerie: Vicki doesn't know what she's missing.
William: Oh, she knows.



William: All y'all know.



Valerie: Warning: Willy weenie is an addictive substance.



Neila: Ha. Addicktive.



In the bed, too?!

How novel.



It's not clever, Past Grugly! It's too on-the-nose to be clever.



Nick: Hey y'all. We're gonna fuck in your room, since apparently that's a thing now.



Nick: I fought Victor for you.
Andrea: Who was the victor?
Nick: ...I don't know how to answer that.



Andrea: EXPLAIN YOURSELF



Valerie: Making up a new character for yourself isn't as fun as stealing an established one!

Hence most people's Sims stories.

OOOOOH

SICK BURN ON THE STORIES WITH MORE THAN THREE READERS



Valerie: Anyway, take off. I gotta take a shit.



William Jr.: ♪ Spring was never waiting for us, girl ♪
Samantha: Duuuuuude. Toooooo early.



Nick: So, Valerie's pretty hot, eh?
William: Please don't talk about your aunt that way.
Nick: I'm getting at something, though.
William: Please don't get at your aunt. Especially while she looks like your mom.



William: I'm looking for a non-pervert. Are you a non-pervert?



William Jr.: How does this game work?
Andrea: I smack your hands until you get mad and cry.
William Jr.: Fun!



Samantha: The schoolbroom's here.



Chief: .oO(SOON.)



Valerie: Technically he's not cheating on your mom! I'm her sister, so we're genetically-
Nick: We've done this joke.
Valerie: And also we look exactly the-
Nick: Doesn't work that way.



Nick: And also you are definitely not her sister.



Valerie: HI UMA WHAT DID YOU HEAR
Uma: Everything from "HI UMA" onward.



Nick: Nymph, in thy orisons be all my half-brother's sins remembered.
Uma: What's an "orison"?
Valerie: Have fun with that.
Uma: What's a "nymph"?



Nick: I don't know who you are, lady, but I've got an attraction score for you, so we are not related.
Valerie: You sure it's not just your Sharpe showing?



Nick: I'm not gonna tell anyone. I just want in on whatever your evil scheme is.
Valerie: As soon as I figure it out myself, I'll let you know.



Neila: Maybe I should sleep during the daytime, now.

That's what I do!



Nick: So, "Penny."
Valerie: Yes?
Nick: Definitely not actually Penny.
Valerie: Get out! Was it the quotation marks that tipped you off?



Nick: You know, it's sad? Seeing a good serial killer suffer badass decay.
Valerie: Bit heavy on the tropes at the end, here.

Would you rather I relied on musical interludes?



I guess I could also do pointless animal pics. Maybe get some toddlers up in this bitch, too.



Nick: I have a feeling this is the beginning of a wonderful, gross, dangerous, destructive, ultimately multiply fatal friendship!



Valerie: I'm glad we're not related.



Valerie: For, like, a bunch of reasons.



Valerie: It's nice to have reasons for things occasionally.

Next time: a new storyline begins!

And then doesn't resume until Chapter 451.

FOR REASONS

This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 December 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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