gruglysims (gruglysims) wrote,
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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 434


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which I honestly thought I was gonna have the very first chapter where I didn't have to crop a single pic!

AND THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED



I kinda like Dagmar, but I do wonder how much of that is actually me liking Dagmar's underwear.



I kinda like Neil, but I know that most of that is actually the sunk cost fallacy at work.



Neil: The sunk cost fallacy is also at work when I steal her newspaper and kick over her garbage can.



Neil: True love is indistinguishable from petty selfishness.



Neil: Actually most of what I do is indistinguishable from petty selfishness.



HAS ANYBODY MADE A MOD TO STOP THE PAPER FROM DISAPPEARING LIKE THAT



I love the texture on the instant meal.

It's very 1992.



What's on the agenda for today, mayor my mayor?

Dagmar: Get in the helicopter, cease to exist, get out of the helicopter.



Dagmar: Except there's no helicopter now because SOMEONE decided a CAR would be better.

I mean, you had a Want to buy-

Dagmar: BETTER, let me reiterate, than a HELICOPTER



The Wants Panel wants what the Wants Panel Wants want.



Dagmar: That's enough nonexistence for one day.



Dagmar: If you're here to complain, my office hours are over.



Dagmar: If you're here for flattery I can make an exception.



Dagmar: There was a phone in my mailbox and this was the only number it knew?
William: Weird!



Dagmar: I can't tell if he was trying to be romantic or creepy.

What's this "or" nonsense about?



Dagmar: Ah, l'or.



William: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure this is very exciting for you.



William: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure this is very exciting for you.



Dagmar: DON'T LOOK AT MY UNDERWEAR
William: BUT IT'S HARD



Dagmar: Was that a double entendre?
William: Everything's a double entendre.



William: PILLOW TALK
Dagmar: FOR EXAMPLE



William: I'm getting too old for examples.



William: And for not acting like an adult.



Dagmar: Remember when there were three police chiefs and one of them was a zombie? That was pretty wild.
William: Remember when there were two police chiefs? Hold that thought.



Dagmar: Remember when things were pretty wild? What happened?



Dagmar: We shot the goose who laid the zombie eggs, that's what happened.



William: I mean, we could bring her back if it means that much to you.



Neil: HASHTAG NOT MY MAYOR

...

Neil: IS THIS HOW HASHTAG WORKS



William: This is how William works.
Dagmar: He works well!



Dagmar: Your suit is so plush!



Dagmar: Your face is so plush!
William: What?

I accidentally typed "F" instead of "D" when I was writing Dagmar's name just now.

I've never been so petrified of making a typo.



William: I'm falling for you, Magmar.



William: William used Horn Attack!
Dagmar: It's super effective!



William: I hope that was a reference to a cool thing!

♪ [The best lil' bass riff in all human history] ♪



♪ Son of a gun ♪

Neil: I'm a gun!



♪ You walked into the party ♪

William: i.e. the vagina

♪ Like you were walkin' onto a yacht ♪

William: i.e. a vagina



♪ Your hat strategically dipped below one eye ♪

Dagmar: Sounds pimpin!



♪ Your scarf, it was apricot ♪

William: I don't have a scarf, but somehow I think this song is about me.



♪ You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte ♪

William: Man, that is one GOOD idea!
Dagmar: "Gavotte"?



♪ And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner ♪

Dagmar: THERE'S A LINE



♪ They'd ♪

Dagmar: ♪ BE YOUR PARTNER AND ♪



Dagmar: ♪ You're so vain ♪
William: Veiny.



Dagmar: ♪ YOU PROB'LY THINK THIS ORGASM'S ABOUT YOU ♪



William: I mean... yeah.



Dagmar: ♪ You're so vain ♪
William: It's one of my many best qualities!



♪ I'll bet you think this chapter's about you ♪

Dagmar: ♪ Don't you? ♪

♪ Don't you? ♪



William: Damn right I do.



Dagmar: They all are, really.



William: If I knew a singer, they'd write an entire song about me, and everybody would know it.



♪ Well you're where you should be all the time ♪

William: Here here.



♪ And when you're not you're with some underworld spy ♪

William: This song is about me!



♪ Or the wife of a close friend ♪

William: ♪ THE WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND?! ♪



William: I honestly couldn't help it.



William: Man, other people's wives.



Dagmar: You could just get one of your own.
William: Listen to yourself. "One."



William: Although this is a damn fine follow-up argument.



♪ You're so vain ♪

♪ I'll bet you think this blowjob's about you ♪

That's about how much sense I think the actual song makes.

It's still fantastic.



Dagmar: Honestly, with how big this thing is, the blowjob's about ME.



Dagmar: And my capacity.



William: "Capacity." Them's some sexy word-usin's.



William: Oh yeah baby, eat my mouth air.



That was just in case y'all think I've lost my touch by focusing on this music stuff.



William: I never want to lose my touch.



William: Will you touch me? Officially?



Dagmar: I thought you already had a wife.
William: She made a ridiculous decision.



William: She had a William Stephen and decided to settle on a bog-standard Stephen.



William: I'm gonna jerk off a bit.



William: My middle name is Stephen.
Dagmar: Yes, I got the reference.
William: Nobody else did.



Dagmar: You wouldn't believe the day I had! Somebody stole a schoolbus.
William: If I say I believe it, can we change the subject?



William: Do you not have a cable unscrambler?



William: I hate these Dark Universe movies.

Everyone does.



Dagmar: Literally everyone.



Dagmar: HOW DO YOU FUCK UP THE MUMMY?!



Dagmar: Is this a nature documentary?



Dagmar: Is that a person or a lens smudge?



William: No matter what we do, our TV signal will be 2004 forever.



William: IT REMINDS ME OF MY MORTALITY FOR SOME REASON



William: How come we don't have werewolves here yet?

Because we make our own fun.



Dagmar: He's not wrong.



Dagmar: Even when he's vain.



Dagmar: You know, he had to quit the game to make this half-underwear combo for me.
William: He made it for me.

I made it for me.



You're just secondary beneficiaries.



William: Let's try for balls-deep this time.



Sure, it was crass.

But this chapter's at least broken my string of saying "cock" half a dozen times.



Once is fine.



Dagmar: You really need to figure out how to show time passing so I can get a good night's sleep.



Dagmar: Aren't you forgetting something?
William: I'm like a million years old. I'm forgetting everything.



William: I'll grant you, this is one of the more immediate things.



Dagmar: They found the bus in a ditch.

That's good.

Dagmar: It was full of blood.

That's... not good?



William: What do you mean by fu-
Dagmar: I mean full. FULL.
William: Like you, last night?
Dagmar: Almost.



William: That's a lot of blood.



William: I mean, it'd be more impressive if it was what she was full of last night, but yeah.



I don't know whether I should be picturing a bus full of semen or a bus full of cum.

...oh my god, Present Grugly, have I told you how much I love you lately?



Dagmar: Yeah, he's still fellating himself.



Dagmar: I'm sorry to hear about your wife, chief.
Victor Cwik: Why? There's finally only one police chief, and you're lookin' at him!



Dagmar: Talkin' at him.



Dagmar: Did you know Nerissa Cwik died?
William: Yeah.
Dagmar: Were you gonna tell me?
William: Sure doesn't look that way.



Dagmar: Do you know why Laci Phelps would want to apply for a prison guard job? And secondarily, why Laci Phelps would be alive?



Dagmar: Never mind, I can tell your mind's somewhere else.



Dagmar: Probably in my underwear.



William: It really is quite good, that underwear.



William: Look at us! Being domestic.
Dagmar: So that's what domesticity smells like.



Dagmar won first prize in a mayoralty contest.



Dagmar: I don't know what this means, and I didn't want to wake him about it, but ♪ I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee, and... ♪



Dagmar: ♪ YOU'RE SO MAIN ♪



I'll bet he thinks this journal's about him.



Dagmar: I'm sure he'll never regret it.



William: Yeah, before we tie the knot, you should refresh yourself on what happened to my last three wives.



Dagmar: I'm a politician, I don't seek out information before making decisions.



Luckily, neither do voters.

Fuck Joe Biden.

Next time: prison reform.

That's not even a joke.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 December 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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