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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 449


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which it's almost my birthday.



Alvin: Happy Almost Birthday! You going out to celebrate?

HA HA HA.



Alvin: I'm staying in to gesture at my puddle.



Alvin: Puddle-gesturin's hard work.



Alvin: But it won't gesture itself, so!



Alvin: Okay FINE I was trying to Force-mop it.



Theresa: Alright, time to rip the marriage Band-Aid off.



Theresa: If there's, like… an infection crawling with tiny white forks all over it, I'm gonna kill myself.

I almost want to kill myself just hearing that.



Theresa: I'd hate to live in a world where you have to pull bandages off instead of just imagining them off in the mirror.



Theresa: How does it look?

…surprisingly fetching!



Theresa: …yeah! That's got to be the most inscrutable battle scar of all time.



SLAM

Theresa: Almost as inscrutable as the door ghost.



Laci: I bet I could scrute it.



Alvin: OH GOD WE'RE SO SCRUTED



OH GOD OH GOD



Alvin: Little help, almost-birthday boy?

I ain't touchin' no bugs on my almost-birthday.



Alvin: It's actually December of 2012 here, though.

I ain't touchin' no bugs in the past.



Theresa: How about taps?

Nope.



Nor weeds.



Alvin: I think I'm about to become a bug-themed superhero.



Instead of Spider-Man, he could be Roach-Man!

Theresa: Who's Spider-Man?

…what?

Theresa: Who's Spider-Man?

He's that superhero who swings around the city and climbs on walls!

Theresa: Isn't that Hanging Chad?

…WHAT?



Alvin: Yeah, Hanging Chad! Tell him, smashed snowman!



Smashed Snowman: It's true! I hate that guy.



Elvis: Please focus.

It's my almost-birthday, I do what I want.



Theresa: You do what you want ANYWAY.



Okay, everybody, enough with the judgemental glares.

It's my-

Alvin: NOBODY CARES



Theresa: Chopsticks? You PLEB.



Theresa: God, I can already taste how bad dinner's gonna be.



Theresa: Unless you've actually learned how to cook.
Alvin: Can I cook, or can I.
Theresa: Can you?
Alvin: That was a quote, from one of my favourite movies.
Theresa: Yeah, but… can you?



Theresa: Alright everybody, here's the rules: only I'm playing so I win automatically.



Theresa: It's called Electoral Politics.



Alvin: Okay, I'm using a fork back here, so don't turn around suddenly or you'll startle yourself.



Alvin: Oh god! Maybe forks ARE dangerous!



Alvin: I THINK I SWALLOWED IT



Alvin: I THINK I SWALLOWED A FORK



Theresa: I guess he'll die.



Laci: I could take the guessing out of it.



Theresa: Hanging Chad is so cool.

Is he?

Theresa: Yeah, what an asshole.



Theresa: He swings around town, looking for women in peril with weak boyfriends.



Theresa: And then he swoops in and saves them.



Theresa: And talks about how much he can lift.



Theresa: And then they fuck.



This has been Grugly Restarted Gen 3 Yet Again and He Wanted to Get Some Use From the Pics He Took Theatre.



It'll probably be a somewhat recurring feature.



Theresa: I should've invited Hanging Chad to my wedding.



Theresa: He could have told Alvin he was a beta cuck and then fucked me on the wedding cake.



I thought we agreed never to think about Deborah again.



Theresa: He never does what you want him to, does he?



Irvin: Oh good, I'm waking up. Is there a dick ghost here to scare me?



Irvin: You don't live here anymore. Go away.



Theresa: I just wanted to leave him some computer viruses.
Irvin: You better not have fucked up my Fortnite.



Theresa: It's 2012, kid. You're not playing Fortnite, you're playing Candy Crush.



Alvin: Nobody under 50 ever played Candy Crush.



Alvin: OH NO

What?

Alvin: I think those were ORIENTAL COCKROACHES!



Alvin: I've got COVID-19.
Irvin: BYE



Alvin: I RESPECT YOUR SOCIAL DISTANCING



Irvin: Making outbreak jokes in the middle of an outbreak is a bold move.

You know what they say, if it sneezes it pleases.



Alvin: Bleach bath it is!



Alvin: THAT'S A DANGEROUS JOKE, SOMEONE MIGHT DO THAT NOW



Alvin: Hey baby, wanna corrupt me? I'm super naïve.



Belinda the Malevolent: That's so hot.



Irvin: I'm glad we hoarded all these cookies.

How are you for toilet paper?

Irvin: We own a lot of books.



Belinda the Malevolent: Gonna put you in a sack and wipe my ass with you, paper boy.



Amar: I'm not literally made of paper.
Belinda the Malevolent: Oh, well, forget it then.



Belinda the Malevolent: 'sup Woods!



Belinda the Malevolent: Man, you're the one who should get nicknamed "Belly."



Belinda the Malevolent: And what a belly!
Alvin: I've always wanted a woman who likes me for my poor choices.



Alvin: And that's the story of how I stabbed two smiley faces in their smiley faces.



Alvin: I don't look like Michael.



Belinda the Malevolent: YOU TOTALLY DO THOUGH



Belinda the Malevolent: You should get a unique look, like mine!
Alvin: But then it wouldn't be unique!
Belinda the Malevolent: You're parsing me wrong.
Irvin: YOU JERKS PARSING OVER THERE?!



Alvin: I accidentally stabbed my wife with a fork so she ran off with a man who doesn't look like me.



Alvin: I know you were there, but I'm reminding you because although it was yesterday, and also a few weeks ago, it was also a YEAR ago and also EIGHT YEARS AGO.



Belinda the Malevolent: You really shouldn’t examine our existence that closely.



Belinda the Malevolent: Then again… scientist.



Belinda the Malevolent: He yelled "It's Scientist with a CAPITAL S" and ran away cursing.



Belinda the Malevolent: My curses are better.



Belinda the Malevolent: .oO(Can you hear me?)
Alvin: .oO(No, this is telepathy. I can think you!)



Belinda the Malevolent: .oO(I learn magic telepathy and this is how you respond?)
Alvin: .oO(Magic isn't real. There's a Scientific explanation for this, and until I figure out what it is I will continue to make fun of it.)



Belinda the Malevolent: You're an asshole.
Alvin: Aren't we all?



Alvin: That applies to men AND characters in this story!



Elvis: Goodbye, stinky world.



Kenneth Thorne: Somebody call Baby-B-Gone?



Kenneth: Or wait, am I here for roaches? I always get my jobs mixed up.



Kenneth: OH! Maybe I'm here for my secret third job.



Alvin: There's a man in my sword shack.



Kenneth: There's a sword in your man shack.



Kenneth: Is there a sword on your person, man?



Alvin: We are both sword persons!
Kenneth: Man!



Alvin: What are your diabolical plans today, ENTROPY scum?!
Kenneth: I just came to spray the roaches, but you had to get all SCIA at me.



Kenneth: OOF
Alvin: I'm gonna cut that broken rib out and make some life out of it. For Science!



Alvin: After I fix that leg wound, for medicine.



Alvin: …and that arm wound. Your bath's falling down the priority ladder pretty hard there, Elvis.



Kenneth: Oh god, my HP is too low! That infuriating beeping noise is about to start!



Alvin: Props for the Zelda reference.



Kenneth: PROP FIGHT
Alvin: The phone can referee!



Alvin: And thehurgggghhl.



Theresa: THEHURGGGGHHL?!



Theresa: OH THERESA YOU AND YOUR IMAGINATION



Alvin: Get him, Rip Co. Cuddly Wuddly Whateverthefuck Head!



Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: I'm not answering to that.



Elvis: This exterminator is VERY thorough!



Elvis: We are very satisfied.



Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: So, do you take the body away, or do we have to call someone else for that?



Kenneth: INANIMATE OBJECTS CAN'T TALK



Belinda the Malevolent: That's about to be very inconvenient for you.



Belinda the Malevolent: Welp, it's official. Science hasn't gone far enough!



Theresa: You killed my Alvin!
Belinda the Malevolent: He's my Alvin now.
The Grim Reaper: I THINK YOU'LL BOTH FIND HE'S MINE.



Belinda the Malevolent: Don't take him! Please! Take the rabbit head instead!
Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: TRAITOR



Kenneth: Let me know when you're ready.



Belinda the Malevolent: Can't we skip this part, one evil entity to another?
The Grim Reaper: HEY! I'M NOT EVIL! JUST 'CUZ I COLLECT THE SOULS OF THE DEAD, I GOTTA BE EVIL? STEREOTYPE MUCH.



The Grim Reaper: I'M FIXING THIS SO YOU LOSE.



The Grim Reaper: YOU LOSE!
Belinda the Malevolent: I haven't even picked yet!



The Grim Reaper: YOU LOSE!
Belinda the Malevolent: I was SURE I was gonna win, too!



Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Anybody need an infallibly good witch with infallibly good timing?



Belinda the Malevolent: I'm torn between fighting her and letting her help and then fighting her.



Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What can I do?
Belinda the Malevolent: Can you reverse death?
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Nope!
Belinda the Malevolent: Can you defeat the Grim Reaper?
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Nope!



Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Well, see ya.



Belinda the Malevolent: The name of the game is Fizzbin.



Alvin: I love that episode.



You're probably not a fan of this one, though.



Belinda the Malevolent: Stand up so's I can punch you.



Belinda the Malevolent: With my SWORD



Kenneth: And now for another dramatic duURK



Belinda the Malevolent: Ooh, right under my armpit, very well done my man.



Kenneth: Thanks?



Belinda the Malevolent: That was fun, but I think I'll stick with magic. It's less… muscley.

Next time: the last worthless evening.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 19 December 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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