Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
In which it's just two of those days.
Cynthia: Wow, two? Look who's being slightly less lazy.
It's a matter of pure necessity, I assure you.
William: I would also like to characterize what I'm about to do as a matter of pure necessity.
William: Ooh! A gauntlet.
Penny: Gauntlet is a nerd word.
Penny: So… push her over, already.
Penny: Or yeah, I guess I could do the butt jump.
William: I'll thank you not to call my family's heritage "the butt jump."
Penny: How is it your family's heritage?
William: My dad learned it from a ninja.
Penny: Isn't it the ninja's heritage, then?
William: Foreigners can't have heritage.
Penny: You're fucking with me.
William: Not yet, but I hope to be soon!
William: We need some really base betrayal in this story, it's been either too minor or too extreme lately.
Penny: You realize that if you fuck one more of Andrew's lovers…
William: I'll win a prize?
Penny: I like to think I'm already the prize.
William: I like to think that, too!
Penny: I shouldn't be doing you. THIS! I shouldn't be doing you. THIS! I SHOULDN'T BE DOING Y-Y-Y-THIS!
William: Your language centre apparently begs to differ.
Penny: Really nine inches?
William: Really nine inches. Ten, in the book series!
Penny: Book series me is super lucky.
William: Maybe there'll be a crossover some day and you can ask her how it was.
William: Want to head back to my place? It's private.
Penny: I know somewhere more private.
William: Come on! My kids won't pry.
Victor: Father! What art thou engaged in at this late hour?!
Victor: Bye, ringface!
William: …what the fuck is this.
Penny: It's private. Like I promised.
William: HAHAHA no really what the fuck.
Penny: It's a living monument to what a bad idea cheating on Andrew is.
Victor: THIS IS A LIVING MONUMENT TO A DATE I HAD ONCE
Victor: WITH THIS GUY'S EX-WIFE
William: He blew up his bedroom.
William: And took out all the doors.
William: And left it like this.
William: Because I fucked Cameron in here.
Penny: So wherever we do end up fucking, don't make it somewhere you don't want blown up.
William: We could do it in his car.
William: Hey, who's this guy? Do you know this guy? I don't know this guy.
Penny: If you're gonna throw your voice, don't throw it off-panel!
Penny: Throw it into my lungs.
William: Baby, I don't care what your man blows up.
Penny: What if he blows you up?
William: There's plenty of hot chicks in hell.
Penny: Good one.
Penny: Take me with you!
William: To hell?
Penny: To Sharpestone!
William: So, hell, then.
Andrew: AT LEAST ASK ME A RIDDLE OR SOMETHING
Penny: I can hear him downstairs.
William: We can teleport.
Penny: He can teleport.
William: Yeah, but how likely is he to teleport in here?
Penny: More likely if he hears us!
William: So let's talk into each other's mouths.
Andrew: You can really hear the pipes, late at night.
Andrew: So wet sounding.
Penny: It's not just the sound.
William: Yeah, I'd be changing my boxers when I get home, if I was the kind of person who changes his boxers regularly.
Penny: It's so hot that you're so gross.
William: Friends who fuck are best friends.
Penny: Fuck your friends!
William: It'll be a while before Sharpestone comes around in the rotation.
Penny: I can wait. Can you?
William: One more kiss and I'll be forced to wait.
Penny: The second jizz-in-pants joke is a sign you need to leave.
William: That I only managed two is a sign I'm slowing down.
Penny: I wonder if, twenty years from now, no house will have doors.
Andrew: It's not THAT bad! I've had SEX with that hand.
Andrew: That came out wrong.
Cynthia: IT'S NOT THE ONLY THING
Andrew: Yeah, time for some spring cleaning.
Andrew: Don't look at me like that. I've been busy.
I think this might be a heat loss issue.
I think this might be a fluid loss issue.
Andrew: I think this house has too many issues.
Andrew: STOP BEING AN ISSUE
Muse: .oO(More like a PISSUE)
Muse: .oO(Piss you off!)
FRIDAY: ♪ waaaaaakiiiiiiiiiiiing uuuuuuuuuup iiiiiiiiiin the morrrrrrniiiiiiiiiing ♪
Blazej: Okay! Drive off the lot, cease to exist, wait for the next carpool.
WEDNESDAY: And they call us robots.
Penny: We hardly call them anything, anymore.
Blazej: That was a short oblivion!
FRIDAY: ♪ Gotta have… my… bowl! ♪
WEDNESDAY: If he asks for cereal…
Andrew: Shut him off.
Andrew: I hate that fucking song.
WEDNESDAY: "That Fucking Song" is a great song!
It's one of Ember's best.
Mallory: What you listening to?
Nathaniel: That Fucking Song! ♪ Oh yeah baby, grab my tits / Love my lovely lumps to bits! ♪
And then he exploded.
Franklin: At least the hot chick was unaffected.
Franklin: But you know who really needs exploding?
Tell him to fuck Penny, then.
At least that way she won't be UNCLE-FUCKING
Angelica: Jeez, you fuck ONE uncle…
This better not be about…
This BETTER NOT be about…
WHY IS THIS ALWAYS ABOUT?!
Franklin: Yeah, estafu about Lucas Perez.
Angelica: IT'S MURPHY SLANG FOR SHUT THE FUCK UP!
I honestly, honestly left that tiny little dome light nipple at the top of the frame for all these pics because I thought it was hilarious how slightly it impinged.
Mallory: You dorks have your own slang, now?
Mallory: I wish you were still fat.
Mallory: SO I COULD BE MEAN ABOUT IT
Nathaniel: ♪ Oh yeah baby, kiss my gash / pound my buttocks into mash! ♪
Cory: I don't know if I want to be in such a Murphy-centric update.
Wren: How 'bout a Murphy-tantric update? Some Murphies are also Foxes.
Wren: Wanna Fox?
Wren: Perhaps that was unclear. Wanna fu-
Cory: It was pretty clear.
Cory: And the answer is always yes.
Wren: I like to be fuck-wanted.
Wren: Should we make out first?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: No, WE should.
Cory: We could have a threesome! It would be a great bonding exercise for you guys.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: More like a bondage exercise.
Wren: Don't tease.
Cory: Let me tread your arduous paths of greatness.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: You gonna pull Wren's kidnapped sister out of your hat, first?
Wren: Never let family get in the way of a good fuckin', Lyndsey.
Cory: Yeah, that's more of a Sharpe thing.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Aren't the first twenty-four hours key?
Cory: It's been months since she was kidnapped. And also a year.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: And also a few hours!
Cory: The point is, time is meaningless.
Wren: Sex isn't!
Wren: I will fuck you in exchange for your full attention on the case of my missing sister.
Cory: Is she also hot?
Wren: She is a baby.
Cory: A babe?
Wren: No. A baby.
Cory: A really immature babe?
Cory: There's a pointer over your head.
Wren: Is it pointing to the piano?
Wren: Guess we're fuckin' on the piano, then!
Wren: It's super hot how you keep staring at her instead of me.
Wren: Here, have this metaphor for the pleasure and pain of love.
Cory: So symbolic!
Cory: Alright, clothes off.
Wren: First comes snog, then comes fuckage!
Cory: When does dumb dancing come in?
Wren: Whenever the Want arises.
Cory: What are you staring at?
Wren: Your tits.
Wren: DUDES SEEM TO THINK IT'S FINE
Wren: How big are you?
Cory: Six feet.
Wren: Wow! You must have really stretchy pants.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Which spell can I learn? ♪
Wren: TWO CHAPTERS OF FRIDAY JOKES
It was only gonna be one chapter, but then I got very tired.
From the first few Friday jokes.
I wonder if there are any songs about Wednesdays.
Wren: It's Saturday right now.
In your world?
Wren: In our world.
Cory: You know what they say about Saturday night, don't you?
Cory: It's alright.
Wren: Don't give me none of your aggravation.
Cory: Let's get a little action in.
It's not actually night.
Cory: We don't actually care.
Cory: I should warn you, I'm a super cool antihero.
Cory: I know that makes me irresistible to you.
Wren: It does.
Saturday evening's alright for fuckin'.
SO GET TO IT
I shouldn't complain.
Their hands are lined up correctly for a change.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SAAATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SAAATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY ♪
Cory: ♪ Night's alright! ♪
Wren: Only alright?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Get about as oiled as a DIESEL! train ♪
Cory: It would explain my muscle definition.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Gonna set this dance alight ♪
Cory: I never knew the words to this!
Wren: Elton John has permanent marble-mouth.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ 'cuz Saturday night's the night I like ♪
Wren: I'm getting pumped from above and below!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Saturday night's alright ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Alright! ♪
Cory: Yeah, I just blew a load on your piano.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: …ew.
Wren: How do we disengage?
Cory: Very carefully.
Cory: Was it good for you?
Wren: I'd have pushed you off if it wasn't.
Cory: I respect that.
Wren: You afraid to move?
Cory: I'm afraid there'll be an eruption.
Cory: Welp, it's seven o'clock.
Cory: And I still wanna rock.
Wren: You are a rock.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Well, go on. I'm all out of lyrical road.
Cory: It's magnetic.
Cory: It helps that her skintone has an actual vagina on it.
Wren: And my actual vagina has an actual dick in it.
Cory: The dick wants what the dick wants.
Cory: She's… not actually any good, is she.
Wren: She's no gay British man, that's for sure.
Cory: Does he get extra piano-playing prowess from being gay?
Wren: Yes. Straight people play straight piano, which is deeply inferior to gay piano.
Wren: WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO WHOEVER YOU ARE
Wren: I'm trying to ring a banana phone over here.
I wonder if that's ever been used as a sexual metaphor before.
Who you chatting with?
Wren: Some guy named Marco.
What's he up to?
Wren: Some really slow scheme.
Wren: I'm more of a fast woman, myself.
Cory: Mind if I join you?
Wren: Mind if you don't!
Cory: That meant…
Wren: It meant yes, I know it could be taken both ways.
Cory: YOU can be taken both ways!
Cory: Anyway I appreciate your commitment to the phrase symmetry.
Wren: Monogamy blows.
Cory: AND SO DO YOU
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Like nobody's business!
Cory: You could MAKE a business out of it.
Wren: That sounds like work.
Wren: I don't even like getting dressed.
Cory: That would make the solicitation process simultaneously much harder and much easier.
Wren: What are you staring at?
Cory: Your tits.
Cory: I THINK THEY'RE FINE
Wren: I think you're fine.
Cory: I'm strictly terrible, actually.
Wren: Well hey, good luck with that!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, there's not enough terrible in the world today.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION
Lyndsey Price the Witch: It's the Simerican Way!
Next time: mayhem in the grocery store.
You can't get that in the real world!
This chapter depicts gameplay from 25 December 2012.