gruglysims (gruglysims) wrote,
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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 462


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which the neighbourhood is toured.



Leonard: We're gonna go on a TOUR!
Bradleigh: You're dreaming if you think it's us.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Yeah, I think we all know who the Maker's here to see.



Bradleigh: Say "hi" to some dicks for me.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: How 'bout all the dicks?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I'm all about dem fellas.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Phalluses.




Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Fellatio?

No, Angelo.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Well Angelo there!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh, I can get a clearer view without my fucking hand in the way! Neat!



Evelyn: That's one long thought bubble you've got there.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I've got excellent focus.



Brooke: Please don't focus on me.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You look like a man who's done something terrible… in bed.



Alec Prince the Damned: And in my pants! Just this moment.



Evelyn: You can borrow mine.



Stewart: Do you know who that is?
Laci: Yep.
Stewart: …well?
Laci: What?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Wanna cause a panic at the grocery store?
Alec Prince the Damned: You gonna buy up all the toilet paper?

Panic at the Grocery Store is my new favourite band name.



Laci: I want to talk about my self-contained prison storyline.
Stewart: Not with sex about to happen, you're not.



Laci: Okay, no, but Neil…
Stewart: See, it's already fading out.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It's the magic of boobs.



Laci: Get your boobs out of my chapter.
Stewart: She thinks it's her chapter.
Alec Prince the Damned: You think I want to talk to you.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I didn't come here for talkin' or thinkin'!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Not even dancin'.



Alec Prince the Damned: What about close dancing?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Only if it's a euphemism.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know, you can just get groceries delivered.
Alec Prince the Damned: HOW DOES THIS PLACE STAY OPEN



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Okay, I thought for sure "pillow fight" would turn out to be a euphemism.



Alec Prince the Damned: I never use euphemisms for violence.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It's good to be true to yourself.



Alec Prince the Damned: It's good to be a fuckin' idiot in public.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Not as good as being a fuckin' fucker in pubic!

I thought you were supposed to be a clone of Abigail.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Just because I'm smart enough not to talk like an idiot doesn't mean I'm not gonna talk like an idiot!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: When in Sharpesvale, do as the Sharpes do.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Unless they're doing boring, stupid things.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Then just do sex.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Why so you mad, mad man?



Alec Prince the Damned: All the people I've abused have abused me back.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: There should be a law!



Alec Prince the Damned: I just saw someone I straight-up murdered walking around!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: The nerve!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know what has lots of nerves?
Alec Prince the Damned: I'm gonna guess genitals.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Genitals is always the right answer.



Alec Prince the Damned: Your over-the-top enthusiasm is a little off-putting.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I can see why you're damned.



Jeremy: Hey! Grats on not being me.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Hey, I try.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: SEX FACE
Alec Prince the Damned: IT'S SCARY



Alec Prince the Damned: I love scary.



Ian: That photorealistic texture looks like ASS.
Stewart: Oh no, not more reasons to hate me!



Brooke: There were already so many.



Alec Prince the Damned: What do you think?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It's what I always want!
Alec Prince the Damned: You mean "always wanted"?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Both!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Let's bring that laser focus back in.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: OH YEAH BABY, PUT YOUR LASER IN MY FOCUS!



Alec Prince the Damned: This dialogue is getting thoroughly out of control.



WEDNESDAY: Yeah, how did we get to this point?

I blame ENTROPY.



Alec Prince the Damned: I blame the Maxis Sims.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I blame the Maker.

I also blame the Maker.



Neila Sharpe the Witch: The Maker is a perv.
Alec Prince the Damned: GET DOWN HERE BABY, THEY CALL THIS "AISLE THREE" FOR A REASON



Alec Prince the Damned: He made me say that.

Call me a perv.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Perversion is the only version that counts.



Jeremy: Hey baby, what's say you and me-
Ally: Catch diseases from these naked people?



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: That hem looks familiar.



Neila Sharpe the Witch: Isn't life just grand?
Victor: NO
Neila Sharpe the Witch: I know, right?!



Victor: So, is there a queue, or…?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Aww, sulky baby.



Alec Prince the Damned: Looking for new surfaces?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Looking for new partners.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hmm, I'll bet Neil's always wished he could fuck Abigail.
Alec Prince the Damned: FUCK HIM IN THE ASS



Neil: I mean, if it's the only way I can get it…



Neil: You look… familiar.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That's just my witchiness.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Y'know… witches and familiars?
Neil: No.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: As in, little minion things-
Neil: No.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Whatever. Sex?
Neil: Yes.



Neil: How are we in love already? We just met.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I did say I'm a witch.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: But no, it's my magic biology. "In love" comes before "in bed" in this game, and I'm designed to skip straight to the last "in."



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I start at "in heat," if you're wondering.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know what's funny?
Neil: Cheating!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Took the symbol right out of my speech bubble!
Neila's Bust: *dominates*



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Have you seen any Murphies around lately?
Neil: I actively try not to notice them, so no.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I could be offended, you know.
Neil: But that would interrupt the sexing.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Yeah, definitely not worth it.



Lyndsey Price the Witch: You look… familiar.
Alec Prince the Damned: I AIN'T YOUR FAMILIAR, BITCH!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: WITCH. The word is WITCH!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: 'sup, meaty beaty big and bouncy?



Neil: I don't like The Who.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh. I thought you would.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: 'cuz'n you're so old.



WEDNESDAY: How did you even get UP there?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: OH YEAH BABY, SQUEEZE MY TOMATOES



Neil: It's not nice to squeeze fruit.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I never knew orange juice wasn't nice!



Neil: Oh MAN, you're SOMETHING.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: So are you, if just barely.



Neil: Are you getting bored up there? I've got a nine-inch penis!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Ever see a teenager try to play a Stratocaster?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: The girth was nice, though your skill was lacking.
Neil: Thanks!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Swing by the house some time and I'll give you lessons.
Neil: I don't have a Stratocaster.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You're an idiot.
Neil: You just figuring that out? Guess Abigail couldn't clone memories.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: We'll leave that ambiguous for now.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Wanna fuck?
Victor: We'll not leave that ambiguous for now!



Victor: You're attracting quite the crowd.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I'm attracting everyone.



Neil: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU MADE A SEX YOU



Victor: Please do not assault people.



Neil: I've got so many friends my arms are broken!
Stewart: I don't even have enough friends for a sprain.



Victor: How come the vegetable aisle is deserted?

Try the canned goods section if you want to see traffic.



Victor: I don't like Traffic.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: 'cuz you're so young.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: So, is that big dick genetic?
Victor: You're the scientist clone, you tell me.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: We're not called clones.
Victor: What are you called?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I forget, it's been a lot of chapters since then.



WEDNESDAY: Yeah, I don't even remember how I got out of that basement.



Brooke: There's not enough hand sanitizer in the world.



Neil: Do us proud, son.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Do me loud!



Contessa Lucy Toyonaga: Listen to them – children of the night.
Victor: TAKE IT BABY
Contessa Lucy Toyonaga: What music they make.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: FUCK ME FUCK ME



Contessa Lucy Toyonaga: YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT WALL'S BEEN!



Stewart: I got dibs on the next ride.



Victor: Check my stamina, gramps!
Neil: Your father will be so thrilled.



Neila Sharpe the Witch: So, you gonna introduce us, or what?



Neila Sharpe the Witch: I'm Neila Sharpe the Witch!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I'm having sex with your brother.



Victor: She has a conditional identity.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hey baby, wanna define me?



Stewart: I feel like I know you from somewhere.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Don't follow that feeling.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What happened to you?
Grugly Prime: Don't even remember, honestly.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I don't think I'm allowed to get involved with management.
Grugly Prime: Aw.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Man, it's good to be hot.



♪ Bring the bacon and put it in the pan ♪

Stewart: That's unsanitary.
Brooke: We need to get dividers.



♪ Got my own, baby, life is grand ♪

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: RING ME UP



♪ Every move I make is just a part of my plan ♪

Brody: You know, you have the right to refuse unsafe work.



♪ And I do it just because you said I can't ♪

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: IT DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT SHE WOULD!



Stewart: Hi mom! Do you know this lady?



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: NOT AS WELL AS YOU DO, APPARENTLY



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ♪ I'm a whole lotta clone-ass Simerican woman! ♪



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Do you want to tell him, or should I?



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I don't want to.



Jeremy: What a pretty picture.
Ryan: Your taste stinks.



Victor: It's more of a sculpture.



Victor: A living sculpture!
Stewart: But not a participatory one.



Victor: It's got elements of goth… punk…
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: SPUNK!
Brooke: Stank.



Victor: Can you do something about these feet?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It's a software problem. I'm a hardware monkey.



Brooke: Okay, I quit.



Brooke: Turns out I can't quit.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Capitalism!
Brooke: Programming.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Thanks Centreborough, I've been beautiful.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: A light in your smoggy sky.




Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I don't know how everyone else lives with themselves for being themselves.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Myself is definitely the way to go.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hey there, not-me!
Bradleigh: You been reading The Family Circus?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Nope.
Bradleigh and Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Nobody has.



Bradleigh: I need a title.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh, here come the chickens to not their home to not roost.



Alec Prince the Damned: I can promise you the world.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I only want the pointy bits.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Someone take a pic of this and send it to Laci.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: So, you gonna tell him?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: He's having a hard enough time as it is, being who he is.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Which isn't to say I'm above giving men hard times…



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Mmm, taste that mailman sweat.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Why did I do that.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hi there! I'm your dream woman.
Andrew: Dream on.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I like a man who's so old he doesn't even want to have sex anymore.



Andrew: Met any lately?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What say you and I go check out your mom's lab?
Andrew: I'm not big on any sentence including the phrases "check out" and "your mom," so be careful.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What you don't know…
Andrew: …is probably an international conspiracy.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I'm more concerned with a certain domestic plot.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: STOP FUCKING MY CHILDREN, BEATRIZ



Andrew: Wait, who else has she fucked?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Who else has she encountered.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Get your grey ass out of here.
Andrew: My ass has been on pretty prominent display lately, and I have it on great authority that it might be pasty, but it is most assuredly not grey.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: 'k! Take all your unnecessary words with you when you go!



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You'll thank me when I get up the urge to tell you about the bullet I just dodged you from.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Not if he thanks me first.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Which way did she go?

Her own way.




Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: What're you doing here?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh, you know! Calling it another lonely day.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Don't mind me.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It's getting increasingly difficult.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Let's see if we can't nail down that no-family-ties bug.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Fix the barn door while the cows are still very much wandering around in Centreborough, fucking my sons.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I'm here. Are you coming.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Get it?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: No, she's sciencing, she wouldn't notice a second zombie apocalypse right now.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Speaking of which, aren't we due?

The next apocalypse, when it comes, will be largely unrelated to zombies.



Darryl: Not my poo puddle.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Whose poo puddle is it?
Darryl: We think of it as a communal poo puddle.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Give up your seat for the old hag.
Darryl: Verbal elder abuse is hot. And mean.



Andrew: And hot. I didn't hear the first line, should I have joined in?
Some Fuckin' Chick: I would say no.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hey baby, my skirt's falling apart.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Let me rip into yours.
Andrew: It's not a SKIRT
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Then why's it so LOW



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I'm really hoping to find a hardware solution to incest.



You might want to hurry.



Darryl: Why am I doing this?



Caryl: Why are you doing this?

CARYL AND DARRYL!

Too Walking Dead, actually. Cancel it.



Also maybe cancel this?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: No gods or kings, only sex.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Ow! Convenient/inconvenient neck crick!



Andrew: Do you hear a hum?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Yeah, I'm still humming that song from earlier.



Beatriz: ♪ Bring the bacon and I'll put it in the pan ♪



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ♪ Got my own, baby, life is grand ♪
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Is this thing humming?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ♪ Every move I make is just a part of my -



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: "FWOOSH"?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Miraculously unaffected!
Andrew: ….
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Other than a momentary flush of feeling in my, well, you know.
Andrew:



Andrew: …it was only momentary for you because it ran straight up my urethra.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Why are my sensors picking up urethras in there?



Andrew: Ow, I banged my sex on the ceiling.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: If I gave you an STD, I can't say it'll come as a shock.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: …are you okay?
Andrew: I feel kinda funny.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Funny how?
Andrew: Zany scientific mishap funny.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That's not funny at all.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: …it's a little funny.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I am not putting this mop back in my inventory.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: This is definitely the cliffhanger, right?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Or are you waiting for a pithy final quote?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: … WELL THEM'S THE SEXIN'S

That'll do.

Next time: an unexpected twist.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 25 December 2012 to 26 December 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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