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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 463


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which dude looks like a lady and a dude.



Andrew: I who fuck what?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That was lovely.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You're almost as talented a poet as you are a lover.



Andrew: My dick feels weird.



Andrew: Fuck. Remind me to pass out more conveniently next time. Put my glasses in a case, that sort of thing.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I've got nice legs, eh?
Andrew: …something's wrong.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Not with my legs. That's not even a question.
Andrew: My nose. My nose looks wrong.



Andrew: …more than my nose looks wrong.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: For an out-of-shape middle-aged woman, you look pretty good, actually.



Andrew: What horrible thing have we done.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: We have discovered the absolute bottom, of bottoms.



Andrew: What?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Your ass. It's somehow worse now that you're an old woman. I didn't even think that was possible.



Andrew: You didn't even think what was possible?



Andrew: I'm glad I passed out so conveniently. Put my glasses in a case, or something.



Andrew: Oh. Hello. And also what the fuck.



Female Andrew: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Which, you know, shouldn't really be surprising.



Male Andrew: I think… we underwent complete cellular mitosis?
Female Andrew: And my cells won the spectacles.



Female Andrew: Come on, asshole. Wake your dumb ass up so we can go get some exposition from mom.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You guys have fun with that. I don't think I want to be a fly on that particular wall.
Male Andrew: Fuck, yeah. How are we gonna explain this?



Female Andrew: We're not. At least, not the part where we were fucking some random chick in the lab.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh, I'm not some random chick, but I'll wait until you've put yourselves back together before dropping that particular bomb.
Male Andrew: I don't like any of these particulars. And I don't think we're putting anything back together today. This isn't like that bad episode of Star Trek.



Male Andrew: This is like a different bad episode of Star Trek.



Male Andrew: I'm AWAKE!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I know. I just wanted to drop a load on you. Turnabout's fair play!
Female Andrew: Niiiiiice.



Male Andrew: I think this is more of a "Turnabout Intruder"-style situation.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Would you believe me if I claimed not to understand that reference?
Female Andrew: No. Somehow you look super nerdy to me, even under all the hotness.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Don't put too much thought into the somehow.



Male Andrew: If we split evenly, why aren't her cells all bruised?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Maybe cellular mitosis doesn't condone violence against women.



Male Andrew: Why are you so fucking chuffed? And why did my brain come up with the word "chuffed"?



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I just love drama. And this is gonna be some hella dramatic.



Male Andrew: What are we gonna say?
Female Andrew: Variations on "sorry," I expect.
Male Andrew: Very funny. But seriously! She's gonna flip her witch lid when we tell her what we've been doing.



Female Andrew: Nah. She's a scientist. By the time she flips her witch lid she'll be into her third or fourth round of diagnostics, and you'll long since have gone home to sleep off your sunburn.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Go home.
Caryl: We don't have a home.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Well then just go away.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You sound like you're in a bad mood. Wanna hear somethin' fuckin' funny?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I don't trust your sense of humour. Or anything else about you.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That's good! If you'd mistrusted me enough to send me packing earlier, I never would've accidentally fucked a female Andrew clone into existence!



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You did what now?
Caryl: It made sense to me. Grammatically-speaking.



Male Andrew: Yes, fine, I fucked her. In your lab, next to all your expensive equipment. But look on the bright side! Now you've got a third daughter, and you didn't even have to fuck dad to get her!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Like she wants another one of you.
Male Andrew: Fuck your face.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Hi. What's your name?
Wander: Wander.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You're lucky "Andrew" anagrams so easily.
Wander: I'm lucky I can do anagrams in my head. Most scientists can't do anything literary with paper and pens in hand!



Andrew: What are you doing.
Some Fuckin' Chick: I just thought…
Andrew: You just thought you'd walk into our lab and steal our heat? You were randomly generated with a nice warm winter jacket, that's better than most real homeless people get.
SFC: Yeah. But it's not sunburning-my-naked-flesh warm, like this place apparently is!
Andrew: I think my outfit data got chewed up in the cloning process.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Well, I guess you don't have to spend your entire life in here.
Wander: You're not gonna dissect me? Or have me disassembled at the molecular level, or anything?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Depends.
Wander: On what?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: On whether you keep your room clean, and do your chores.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I still don't see how this thing did… what it did.

Yeah, because what it ORIGINALLY did made SO MUCH MORE SENSE.



SFC: This an ugly nudist colony?



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Get the fuck out of here. My facilities have been compromised enough for one day!
SFC: Sure, sure, I get it. You don't want us poors getting access to your body part cloning factory.



Sullivan: Got a light?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I don't smoke. And also I'm naked, so where…?
Sullivan: I don't smoke either. But I was gonna offer to smoke these fuckin' townies for you.
Darryl: Hey, I'm not gonna stand here and do seasonally-inappropriate background nonsense if that's how you're gonna be.



Andrew: Why.
Caryl: Because I'm lonely.
Andrew: That's not a good enough reason for hugging strangers.
SFC: She's actually stealing your body heat.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Okay. Whyever you're here, you're here. So you might as well be here and clothed..
Wander: You've got clothes in my size?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: No. I definitely don't have old potato woman clothes.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Are you… are you Andrew?
Wander: I don't know. I have Andrew's memories, but… well… none of his memories say anything about a vagina.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Let's see if we can't get you something to cover up that vagina.
Wander: Sweet deal.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Actually, let me try something first.



Caryl: What I don't understand is how you're having kids at your age!
Andrew: Men's bodies don't really work the same way as women's bodies. But neither gender at any age generally has babies which are the same age as themselves.



Abigail types rapid-fire and with flourish, just the way I do when I write these chapters, because we are both pretty cool people.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Right. I'm pretty, and cool, and you're people.



Wander: Will this hurt?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Not as much as I'd hurt you, if I caught you macking on your relatives.
Wander: So you're gonna set my family ties?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: That's the idea .
Wander: Good. It would be really gross if I accidentally had sex with a relative, or something.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Hahaha.
Wander: That laugh didn't sound right.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Hahaha.



Wander: How do I know this isn't just your way of getting rid of me?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: If I wanted to get rid of you, I'd remind the Maker what a waste of time most of my kids have been.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: There was really just the one good one.



Wander: Now there's two. Of just the one good one.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I really need to get some goggles.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: He's got me all self-conscious about my typing, now.

Sorry.



Wander: How much longer is this gonna take?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: However long it takes the Maker to think of something more interesting for us to do.



Wander: Hey. What're you doing now?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Not much point in being born old, is there, would you say?



Wander: You're de-aging me?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I'm honestly surprised you climbed out of Andrew as an elder. Conservation of detail would seem to suggest you'd both come out… teenaged.

Yeah, but who would want that?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Fair point.

Teenagers are the worst.



Wander: This feels FANTASTIC! Except for how my spine is locking.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Maybe wait to celebrate your new-found youth until after you've new-found it.



Wander: I feel like my arms are made of jelly! And my vagina is made of increasingly-less-old vagina!



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: We're using a lot of power. I hope we don't use up the sun.



Wander: I HOPE MY ARMS DON'T GET STUCK LIKE THIS



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You're really worming around in there. Any particular reason?
Wander: IT FEELS LIKE MY GLUONS ARE STRETCHING
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: That's not good. You shouldn't have any gluons.



CRACK

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: There's that crack I was waiting for. My dealer came through!

Maker's got you covered, baby.



Andrew: Fucking… go away.
SFC: Or what? You'll involve me in an actual storyline? Oh, no. Please. Don't.



Wander: I CAN FEEL MY SOCIAL OPINIONS CHANGING



Wander: Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Is that good?
Wander: I CAN FEEL MY OPINION ON WHETHER OR NOT IT'S GOOD CHANGING



Wander: Hey-o.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You young in there yet?
Wander: If my libido's anything to go by. I think this is what they call wanderlust.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Don't soil my test chamber with your bad jokes.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: How do you feel?
Wander: With my senses.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: So. You feel like an asshole.
Wander: Yep. One particular asshole, about thirty years ago.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Guess it worked, then. Except for the part where you need a shave.
Wander: That's right! Women don't have to shave.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Oh, my sweet child. I have such terrible news for you.



Wander: Can you teach me to beam myself around? I don't like being dematerialized against my will.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You've been materialized, and de-materialized, against your will several times already.
Wander: That's how I know I don't like it.



Wander: Who's the fairest of them all?
Andrew: Not a female version of me, that's for sure.



Andrew: Wow. You look like… Brandi Bertino. The… I want to say second Brandi Bertino? There's two of them.
Wander: Do our skintones look the same?
Andrew: The curvy parts do.



Wander: I'm gonna cover up the curvy parts, just as soon as I lose this beard.
Andrew: Call that a beard.
Wander: For a woman, it's pretty bad. I wonder if I can transfer some of this to the pubic region.



Wander: DID YOU JUST TELEPORT FIFTEEN FUCKING FEET?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I need to save my strength. For putting up with two of you.



Wander: Gonna give a guy a heart attack.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Girl. Guess that'll take some getting used to.
Wander: No. I meant 'guy'. Look at him! Old fucker.
Andrew: She's allowed to say that. On account of she's me.



Wander: I think you'll find that I'm me.
Andrew: I am he. And she is me.
Wander: ♪ And you are me ♪
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: ♪ And we are all wasting time. ♪ Make with the mirroring.



Andrew: Yeah, I'm kinda getting sick of having my tits flashed at me.



Wander: Any requests, other than the no-beard?
Andrew: Can you put genitals on your skintone? Your skintone doesn't have genitals.
Wander: Thanks. Thanks. It's not at all creepy of you to notice that.



Wander: Don't make a creep out of us.



Andrew: Says the chick with the incredible disappearing facial hair.



Andrew: Fuckin' weird. Always is.



Wander: Got any of Andrew's old clothes in here?

Yep. Automatically.

Wander: Any of them fit me?

Nope. Game's not built that way.

Wander: So I'm stuck with whatever you bought for mom but didn't like.

No, you can also choose from whatever I bought for Beatriz and didn't like, too.

Wander: Beatriz is basically mom.

That's a very pessimistic angle for you, of all people, to take.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Yeah. And dangerous, for reasons you hopefully haven't figured out yet. But look on the bright side! Existence is an ontological nightmare with no end, even in death!



Andrew: Are you gonna take all day? Should I bum some youth potion off mom, in case I die of old age before you pick something?



Wander: Well, I mean fucking LOOK at this shit. The fucking wrinkles are symmetrical, it's tragic.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: How're the Wander Twins making out?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: If they are making out, I'm tearing up those machines and making new ones.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: New machines or new Andrew and Wanders?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It changes, moment by moment.



Wander: What do you think?

I think you look like a pharmaceutical commercial.

Wander: A cute one, though?

For a pharmaceutical commercial made out of Andrew, yeah, you look pretty cute.



Andrew: I don't care if she looks cute, as long as she looks READY TO LEAVE.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: How fucking COULD you?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: With my fucking genitals.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh, I'm sorry, did you make me a Romance Sim so I could not have sex with the entire neighbourhood?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I didn't expect you to start with my kids!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Well obviously, or you'd have checked the family tie stuff sooner! So maybe I figured you'd be getting around to it eventually, and I needed to hurry if I was going to, pardon the parlance, "catch 'em all"!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GONNA CATCH ALL OF IS THE DISEASES WHICH PROBABLY DON'T EXIST IN THIS SETTING!



Andrew: Is this weird?
Wander: It's nice.
Andrew: But is it weird?
Wander: Of course it's weird. When I go to masturbate tonight, I'm not gonna know where to put my fingers.



Wander: Oh. You meant hugging myself?



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: And another thing!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Poink!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: DON'T YOU POINK MY THING! AND STOP BOINKING YOUR NEPHEWS!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: They're NOT MY NEPHEWS! I'm not really you! I'm not your sister! I'm not your clone! I'm an idealized Romance Sim with your memories, probably, and a version of your appearance that didn't wear out its vagina on some flaccid doofy Murphy-dick and then wear it out further by squeezing out seven goo-brained Murphy dorks!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Did you like that? I've been rehearsing it.



Wander: What're you writing about?
Andrew: You. And how cool you are.
Wander: Bit self-serving, isn't it?
Andrew: Nothing wrong with self-serve. Especially when, statistically, there's more of your self than there is of all other selves but one!



Wander: The snow's all gone.
Andrew: Winter's passed into spring.
Wander: What? Winter's only just started!
Andrew: Not for me.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: YOU WANNA GO? YOU WANNA GO?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: YOU WANNA GO?!
Sullivan: You both wanna go. Unless you want to get shat on by a shat-load of geese.



Andrew: NO GEESE! FUCK GEESE!



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Geese might be the only things I wouldn't fuck.



Darryl: Oh?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Okay. Maybe there's more than one category of thing.



Andrew: NOBODY'S FUCKING ANYBODY! The chapter's over! We're going home.
Sullivan: Where I definitely haven't mustered an army of geese, shitting and squawking and honking their desire for bloody, violent revenge.
Andrew: Yeah. Where that hasn't happened.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Did you actually?
Sullivan: If there's any alternate realities worth living in, yes.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Remind me to fix your family ties.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You're no fun at all, Abby.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: That's why I made you.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: So I can be fun, and be mad at myself for it at the same time.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: We're such a bitch.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Using air travel to go door-to-door! That's not sustainable.

Next time: filling some holes.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 26 December 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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