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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 473


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which we jump cut to a meeting.



Cory: Why? It's so jarring!



Vanesa: The legitimacy of your secret spy organization, in my mind, is somewhat diminished by having its meetings in a coffee house.
Chris: You don't like coffee?



Vanesa: I don't like non-secret secret agencies.



Vanesa: Aren't you afraid they'll hear what we're up to?
Cory: Who could possibly be listening?



Cory: Okay, wow, yeah.



Theresa: I think we might need to give this one up.
Cory: No, it's cool, we'll just kill them all. Starting with Alvin.



Chris: Maybe start with this socially-awkward debutante, instead.
Cory: What about the teenage beatnik?



♪ Teenage beatnik ♪

Cory: Ugh, somebody stop him.

♪ It's only teenage beatnik ♪

Vanesa: WE ALREADY DID THIS SONG

♪ Teenage beatnik, ooh yeah ♪

Theresa: I feel so helpless.

♪ 's only teenage beatnik ♪

Chris: I FUCKED CORY!



Chris: That did it.



Theresa: We've all fucked Cory.
Vanesa: I haven’t.
Theresa: Okay, all us real people have fucked Cory.



Cory: I was honestly about to say "is that true" and then I remembered oh yeah, Theresa and I fucked in the previous chapter.

Which was YESTERDAY.

My mind is going.

There is no question about it.



Vanesa: Seek help.

What, in my basement?



Theresa: My first time was with Alvin.
Cory: God, what would that do to a person?!



Alvin: I'd be happy to demonstrate!



Theresa: It's hard, because he can only get off with Thomas Dolby playing in the background.



Cory: I was kinda hoping we'd talk about spy stuff today.
Vanesa: No, let's talk about sex.
Chris: Yeah, sex.
Theresa: The sexes have it!



Cory: Y'all got a lot of balls, hijacking my meeting.



Chris: More balls than you, apparently, if we're able to do it successfully!



Theresa: I think we do need to talk about some spy stuff, though. Like… hey. Who broke into the governor's office? Somebody broke into the governor's office.
Chris: Do we know that chick?



Cory: The governor can go fuck himself.
Vanesa: But he'd never have to!



Theresa: Girls, Cory and I have some things to discuss.
Chris: If it's not sex, sure, we're out.



Vanesa: If it is sex, though, record it for us.
Chris: Good thinking, Vanesa with one 's'!



Vanesa: Okay, are you… like… a posh spy, or something?



Theresa: What are we actually doing.
Cory: Having wacky adventures, and sex?



Cory: Look. I can't tell you where this storyline is going, because I don't know. What I do know is, the SCIA isn't long for this fictional world.



Sorry to interrupt, but I think Richard has an announcement to make.



Because apparently he's pregnant.



Nick: Let's celebrate!



Brooke: Cheeky bugger!
Nick: That slang for butt stuff?



Theresa: I don't want you fucking with me. Are we good guys or bad guys?
Cory: I like to think we're all bad guys.



Cory: Everyone around here sleeps with everyone else, and the 'heroes' go around murdering honest, working folk. I don't know that the distinction between white hats and black hats is all that helpful right now, to be honest.



Oliver: I once beat up a paperboy.



Cory: There's a cloud on the horizon, and it's not made of the kind of stuff you can breathe. The only choice you have is this: do you want to be upwind, or downwind?



Theresa: I want to blow the cloud away.



Cory: Well, I'm sorry, but the cloud knows where we live.



Cory: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go smoke someone.



fffipf

Theresa: Ooh! Stealth FOOMPF!



Brooke: Two heart attacks! Two heart attacks! Two heart attacks in one!



Mrs. Crumplebottom: FOUND ME A FERENNER



Cory: We'll take it from here.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: Not gonna look, sonny, but you sound feren too.



Mrs. Crumplebottom: Aw, naw, it's a dar-

GOODBYE MRS. CRUMPLEBOTTOM



Kiera Siew: We can stab her before we get started, if you like.



Cory: Don't steal my kills.



Kiera: DOWN WITH THE SCIA!
Cory: I'm not really with the SCIA.
Kiera: DOWN WITH THE SCIA-ADJACENT!



Cory: Sure, close enough.
Kiera: THAT'S WHAT ADJACENT MEANS



Kiera: Hey, watch the dress. This shit's expensive. We have to steal it from real gypsies!



Kiera: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU
Cory: Don't know, wasn't listening.



Kiera: Think we could get synchronized swording into the Olympics?
Cory: Don't be ridiculous, there'll never be another Olympics.



Cory: Once we break the four-year curse cycle everyone will wake up and realize they've been destroying our biggest cities for no reason.
Theresa: Sounds like an ENTROPY plot.
Cory: Worse! It's a sports plot.



Kiera: Fun fact: the game named me to spite the Maker for naming a main characer Kiera.



Cory: Fun fact! I am going to spit you.



Kiera: That wasn't fun.



Cory: True, though.



Theresa: And now the bleed-out wait begins.



Cory: It might take a while, she's pretty rosy-looking for an elder.



Cory: And stabby.



Kiera: Oh no, my suspension of disbelief!



Cory: That's some sharp sword.



Kiera: Welp, no blood puddle yet.



Mrs. Crumplebottom: STABBIT INNA KNEE



Theresa: An old person's greatest weakness.



Kiera: THESE OLD BONES



Richard: So I hear you used to date a murderer!
Oliver: Until she murdered me, yeah.



Richard: Then who'd you date?
Oliver: I don't think you grasp the finer points of being murdered, Richard.




Alvin: It's dangerous to grasp fine points.



Alvin: And to teleport naked.



Jizelle: And to be huggggglyyuuu.
Sheba: .oO(The long arms and short shirt of the law!)



Jizelle: I didn't mean to offhent you.
Alvin: I was already pretty much off my hent anyway.



Alvin: It's been a shitty couple of years.



Jizelle: Oui've missed you!



Jizelle: Oui really haven't.



Alvin: Missing is for amateurs.



Alvin: And Alvins.



All that "oui" stuff reminds me of this chick I once dated who spelled "ooh" as "ouu."

It was super hot.

I don't know why.



Theresa: Ouuuuuuu.
Chris: Blah blah.



Vanesa: THIS ISN'T MY CAAAAAAR



Chris: So that's it? I can teleport now?
Vanesa: Yeah, the riddle and the hand gesture are basically just cultural accretions, the power is actually transmitted through tiny particulates which exit the mouth and enter via the muc-
Chris: SO THAT'S IT I CAN TELEPORT NOW?



Chris: SUCK IT, STAIRS



Jizelle: And then BOOOOUUUUUM, ze 'ouse egzsploudeded!
Vanesa: Smack her, would you?



Theresa: I love not being the only sane person here.
Chris: I would love that, too.



Theresa: I meant… there's two of us, now.
Chris: Two of me?



Jizelle: Ou in the world am I?



Andrew: Oh god, I'm in a tableau.



Vanesa: Do you know anything about the break-in at the governor's?
Jizelle: I 'ave it on goot autority zat I don't know anysink about anysink.
Vanesa: Gettin' a little German there, Frenchie.



Gettin' a little naked there, Chrissie.



Chris: I'm gonna buy something lacey.



Cory: Man, I'm so fabulous.



Jizelle: Zere 'e iz!
Cory: And 'ere I go!



What're you studying?

Theresa: Cleaning.

Cleaning what?

Theresa: Oh, all sorts of things. I'm spending sixty-five percent of my time on oxygen cleaning, eighteen-point-five on carbon, nine-point-five on hydrogen, three-point-two on nitrogen, one-point-five on calcium, one on phosphorus, and leaving time at the end for potassium, sulfur, sodium, chlorine, magnesium, and some trace elements.



Alvin: And ZERO PERCENT on HEDGE TRIMMING

LOOK OUT ABOVVVVVVE



Theresa: He's talking about you.



Chris: I was raised in a mailroom, I don't have social graces.



Cory: She'll be aces at machine-gunning, though!



Theresa: I'm gonna replace Brandi as SCIA chief.
Cory: Aha! A use for our machine-gunners!



Theresa: I don't intend to murder her.
Cory: That's unfortunate, because she almost certainly intends to murder you.



Cory: We're sort of on not-good terms with the real SCIA.
Theresa: I thought we were the real SCIA.
Cory: We are, but then I have nothing to call them.



Brandi: Just don't call us late for the party.



Theresa: Proximity alert's going off.
Cory: Probably have to scrape another townie off the porch.



Cory: You gonna see who it is?
Theresa: Nope.
Cory: Why not?
Theresa: Because I don't seek out social interaction?



Theresa: It always ends badly.



Theresa: I prefer privacy.

Heheheh.

Theresa: WHO'S LAUGHING



Cynthia: ♪ Everybody's laughing, but they don't get the joke ♪



Cynthia: ♪ They giggle and grin in their circus of sin ♪



Cynthia: ♪ But when the lights go down, they choke ♪



Cynthia: ♪ There's gagging in the cackles, and coughing in the cheers ♪



Cynthia: ♪ And when I roll into sight, they won't put up a fight, because their storm of snickers broke ♪



Cynthia: ♪ And they'll croak ♪



Cynthia: ♪ And they never know which direction to go ♪



Cynthia: ♪ And they don't know what they don't know ♪



Cynthia: ♪ And they gibber and jest and don't even get dressed ♪



Cynthia: ♪ So they'll never hear the sound ♪



Cynthia: ♪ When I come 'round ♪



Vanesa: Anybody else just have a musical nightmare?



Vanesa: Aw, you saved a dumb hat for me!



Cory: As morning routines go, I could get used to this one.



Chris: Mornin', questionable newcomer!
Cory: You just came the other day.
Chris: And until she comes, too, she's still questionable!



Vanesa: I'm not fucking that guy as an initiation ritual.
Chris: His dick is, like, eight inches long.
Vanesa: Okay, well… I'm not fucking him as an initiation ritual, then.



Chris: It's good to keep an open mind. And open legs.



Jizelle: Ant zooperpowairs!

You have ant superpowers?!



Cynthia: ♪ And they piss, and they moan, and they starve all alone ♪



Cynthia: ♪ Until the flock's thin on the ground, when I come 'round ♪



Theresa: I'm sure it'll be fine.



Cory: Gosh, I hope not.



Theresa: I mean, I kinda want to reach old age, but I'm not married to the idea.



Theresa: As long as the sandwiches hold out, I'm good.

Next time: not your typical supernatural teen drama.

P.S. Go watch Apollo 13, it's a fantastic adaptation of the single crazy-awesomest thing to ever happen, which happened fifty years ago this week.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 December 2012, right up to the last thirty seconds of the day!

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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