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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 474


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which there's some holes you just can't dig yourself out of.



Ivy: Luckily, I'm not in a hole.



Ivy: Unlike certain Xaviers I did name.



Ivy: I've got a treasure chest!

I wouldn't exactly call that chest a treasure.



Ivy: But my buns are scrumptious!



Ivy: Time to ring in the new year.



Ivy: And ring up a new Murphy.



Ivy: SOOOOOO I might have been somewhat complicit in a murder.



Check out Beatriz's new book, coming soon to a shelf near you, which you won't be able to get nearer to, probably, because of the pandemic - Monogamy: Why?



Andrew: The eternal question.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Monogamy's a great way to not accidentally fuck a clone of your mom.
Andrew: Unless you accidentally marry a clone of your mom.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I feel like that's what they call a critical research failure.



Andrew: As a scientist, I take that accusation quite personally.



Ivy: You think you're taking THAT personally…



Andrew: I'd like to take you. Personally.



Ivy: I didn't know Xavier had such a cool uncle!
Andrew: He's actually… my… brother?
Ivy: I didn't know Xavier had such a grody old brother!



Ivy: I DIDN'T KNOW WE LIVED IN A FUCKING ZOO



Ivy: Okay, so here's the deal. I dated a wizard and the wizard killed your brother.



Andrew: That's not a deal at all.



Ivy: How'd you get so big.



Andrew: Alright, well, call death on this thing.



Ivy: THAT sounds safe!



Ivy: Hey, death, it's Ivy calling.
The Grim Reaper: OKAY…
Ivy: Andrew told me to call.
The Grim Reaper: OKAAAAY…
Ivy: Do you want a character reference?
Andrew: You're RESURRECTING, Ivy, not ADOPTING!



Andrew: Babies, killin' babies.



Ivy: OH NO I RESURRECTED A LOT OF GREEN STUFF



Xavier: Oh no, you're still here.



Xavier: BUUUUUT



Xavier: No, still bummed that you're here.



Ivy: I AM UNAPPRECIATED IN MY TIME! Woo!



Xavier: Oh, I appreciate you, alright. I'm just not glad to see you.



Ivy: Well I am glad to see you!
Xavier: Thank god those are independent variables.



Ivy: I called your brother over to save you.
Andrew: I was already on my way.
Ivy: You're brother's a big fat old liar, huh?



Ivy: I told the mean man who killed you to leave.
Xavier: Before or after you fucked?



Ivy: Okay, give me a break. This guy's screwed over a lot of people. He made Shiloh Newcastle watch a guy melt into a sidewalk!
Xavier: Wow! That sounds like a cool story! I should call her.



Xavier: Because I am DEFINITELY SINGLE NOW.



Xavier: 'cuz you got me killed.
Ivy: Is that all?



Xavier: You got me killed whilst cheating on me with a monster in my house.
Ivy: Oh, that's all.



Xavier: Take your shovel with you when you go.



Ivy: I was thinking we could go on a date!
Xavier: No, it would have to be TWO dates. One for each of us.



Ivy: You're not making this any easier.
Xavier: I'm trying to make it impossible.



Andrew: Alright punks, chapter's yours.



Xavier: Don't get me wrong, you're still super hot, but I also kind of hate you now?
Ivy: Maybe I want to get that wrong!



Xavier: I wonder who else is hot, without overlapping on evil?



Xavier: You think that mailgirl secret agent would be into me?
Ivy: Dude, don't put that filthy thing on the COUNTER!



Xavier: Hi! A wizard killed me.
Jizelle: 'zat'z pretty coul.
Xavier: …this isn't Chris, is it.
Jizelle: Chriz iz out deztabilizing foreign countriez.
Xavier: And bringing you back some esses?



Ivy: THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WRITE THAT

It's one way!



Xavier: Hey, Brooke! It's me, Xavier! From school!
Brooke: I dunno, that's a pretty common name.



Xavier: I was recently dead, so I thought, hey! Maybe live a little.



Xavier: No, yeah, there's weirdos up here, but we've got locks on the doors, so.



Xavier: My ex-girlfriend and my brother brought me back to life! I want to pay that forward by making you a real character!

Brooke's already a real character.

Xavier: It's not that Brooke.

Oh, well, the second one is also kind of a real character.

Xavier: Not that Brooke either.



Ivy: This one's a babbling Brooke, apparently.



Xavier: I'm a teenager with my own house. That's an instant win condition on Boyfriend Bingo!



Brooke: You should have led with that.



Brooke: Hahaha no, don't touch me.



Xavier: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Brooke: Partial nudity.



Ivy: Only partial? Prude.



Brooke: My Turn-Off is hats.
Xavier: I sense a theme.



Alec Prince the Damned: Hey, guy I think I killed, can I talk to Ivy?
Xavier: …?!?!?!?!??!



Alec Prince the Damned: You freaking out over there, or something?



Alec Prince the Damned: Hello?



Alec Prince the Damned: I can still make this thing talk, you know.



Brooke: WOO! YES! MORE CLOTHES FOR ME, AND LESS CLOTHES FOR MEN!

It's the opposite of every video game ever!



Xavier: So, this is where the magic happens.
Brooke: Where you died, you mean?



Xavier: No, I mean… good magic.

Where I remember to make all the architectural flourishes visible through the window, you mean?



Xavier: What do you think?
Brooke: Words and pictures, mostly.



Brooke: Mostly boring ones, at the moment.



Xavier: *lies*



Brooke: Alright, last ditch effort.
Xavier: God, that stuff in the ditches? Can you imagine?



Xavier: I wish I cared how this turns out.



Brooke: It's for the best that you don't.



Xavier: ♪ She didn't love me, she was only passin' time ♪
Brooke: ♪ Wastin' miiiiine ♪



Xavier: ♪ Yes she was ♪



Xavier: "Was" being the operative word.



Xavier: Your denim smells.



Brooke: Your house is nice.



Ivy: Struck out, huh?
Xavier: Yeah, no joy in Mudville tonight.



Ivy: Like my finger?
Xavier: 's pretty nice.



Ivy: Like my hands?
Xavier: As hands go, sure.



Ivy: Feel 'em go!



Xavier: SPEAKING OF GOING



Ivy: Man, some people never let you forget their deaths.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Well, the story's not subtitled "A Romance of Forgiveness and Optimism," now, is it.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hey, is this party private, or can I come in?
Xavier: What's that? You want me to come in you at my privates party?



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Wow.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: THESE GLASSES ARE WORSE THAN THAT JOKE



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch:

Cat's eyes got your tongue?



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hey baby, the Maker just squelched me for a bad joke!



I like that word.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Squelch.

Squelch.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Alright, time to set a spell. Book. Down.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: What is with your dialogue today?

Nobody's making you say it.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: SOMEBODY IS, ACTUALLY



Xavier: Hey, if you want to be helpful, feel free to take out the trash.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I was just looking up a spell for that!



Ivy: I mean, we've got bags.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I'm de-bagging this operation.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Stultus Evanescet.



Ivy: What's that mean?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Stand up and find out.



Ivy: I don't know if learning is worth getting out of my chair.

I have always, always felt this way, myself.



Datass.



Ivy: I'm guessing it means something like "Hey jerk, get out of here?"
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Something like.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Classier, though. Smarter.



Xavier: Where'd you send her?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I didn't send her where. I just sent her.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: She'll probably rematerialize out there, somewhere, eventually.
Xavier: I can live with not knowing, honestly.



Xavier: As long as we can get down to other sorts of knowledge.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Look! This dress folds up properly when I sit.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Magic makes it do that!



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: It's a Breaking Bad reference.

But I can't find a video.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: But he can't find a video.



Xavier: 'k.



I can't seem to get my monitor to face the right direction.

I think I'm losing my mind.

Xavier: 'k.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: My family watched me die.
Xavier: 'k.



Xavier: My girlfriend caused me to die.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: 'k.



Xavier: It was pretty mean of her.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: She did look pretty and mean…



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I don't know why I like you.
Xavier: Yeah, Ivy didn't know either.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Maybe it's all this angst we have in common.
Xavier: Nah, we're not teenagersexuals.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: So, wait. Was it… by any chance… Lance Price the Damned who killed you?
Xavier: Nah, my memories say Alec Prince the Damned.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Oh, those are probably different people, definitely.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Alright, I think I can protect you from this plotline.
Xavier: That is the sexiest thing it's possible to say to a Murphy.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You guys are, like, the most basic form of cannon fodder around here, huh.
Xavier: No, there's the townies, thankfully.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Words never before spoken.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Sorry, I keep thinking about how much I hate evil wizards.
Xavier: THAT'S A THING



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Wow, your muscles aren't tense at all!
Xavier: I already got a handjob from Ivy, earlier.



Xavier: Is that not what it's call-



Xavier: -all… all… all…



Xavier: Thank you.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Yes.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: First comes kiss, then comes sexage.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Then the rhyme stops, 'cuz nothing rhymes with sexage.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: At least partially 'cuz it's not even a word.



Xavier: Nor should it be.



So, yesterday I decided that my next book was gonna end up like eight hundred pages unless I fixed it.



And today I kinda fixed it?



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Are we in it?

Hell no.

Xavier: That's good, I don't want to get shat on in two realities.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: My dad's girlfriend's a townie.
Xavier: Ew! Why?



I thought, hey, maybe the second book should have a plot that starts when the book starts.

That was me, counter-advertising my first book.



This is them, advertising my Sims journal, I guess.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: COME ONE COME ALL



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: TO THE HOVER-HANDED ASS-PARTY!



Xavier: That doesn't sound fun.



Xavier: Or sanitary.



Xavier: OR OH GOD OH GOD



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: OH WOW YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS
Xavier: AM I ACTUALLY
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: YES YOU ARE ACTUALLY
Xavier: AM I THOUGH ACTUALLY THOUGH



Xavier: All my muscles are seized up.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Mine too, outside and in.



Xavier: Kinda lost control a bit, there.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: And several pounds, besides!



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I meant from the workout.
Xavier: Yes.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Not from what you deposited into my-
Xavier: YES.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Speaking of deposits.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Please remember to wipe down that table.



Xavier: Yeah, speaking of deposits.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Enough speaking.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Do you have an account?
Xavier: I was hoping to open one, today.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Goot enufffp.



Xavier: I definitely passed out during that.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You're welcome.



Xavier: I've never been welcome before.



Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Well, you know what they say: the times, they are a chaingun.



Xavier: I don't think that's what they say.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: It's true, though. The times are one bitch of a mass-murderer.



Xavier: I hate bitches.



Venkat: Bitches hate it when you hate bitches!



Venkat: I think. Bitches never talk to me.



Xavier: Talking isn't everything.



Xavier: It's a whole new world of verbs, out there.



Xavier: And I'm gonna conjugate 'em all!



Xavier: There's a "conjugation visit" joke to be made here, but my face is too grouchy to sell it.



Xavier: And it's stuck that way now.



Xavier: And now it's too late.



Xavier: You know what?



Xavier: The times are a chaingun.



Ivy: I'm the dramatically-juxtaposed past!

Next time: Penny for your penis.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 28 December 2012.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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