Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
In which we come, full stop.
William: Why can't we do that every chapter?
Meanwhile, Andrea has a typical quarantine meal while Nick wears typical quarantine dress.
Nick: It's not a dress, it's a robe.
William Jr.: How come you and I are the only ones who aren't gross?
Samantha: Excuse me? Are you not a little boy?!
Penny: My phone's vibrating.
William: If you need a vibrator, we can do better than that.
William: Let me just take that off your hands slash ass pocket.
Penny: And put it where?
William: Under my pillow. Maybe the phone fairy will give you a firmware update in the morning!
Penny: HOW did you do THAT.
William: I'm an SCIA agent. I know thirty different ways to effectively disrobe a woman.
Penny: It wasn't a robe, it was pants.
Bradleigh: This chick is also pants.
Bradleigh: It's slang, for bad. I think?
William: ZING! Shot your panties off.
Penny: Couldn't've shot them off onto the floor, huh.
William: Let's take a look at your twins.
Penny: No, I want to do some of that clothed fucking I see so much porn about.
Penny: Hey, can you do that standing-up stuff?
William: I've been standing up all my life, sister.
Penny: Don't call me sister.
William: You wouldn't say that if you knew what I did to one of them.
Penny: Don't explain that to me.
William: Oh no! We're losing her! START COMPRESSIONS
William: I hope your bones can take it.
Victor: Hey baby, wanna take my bone?
Brooke: Hey buddy, I wanna take a piss.
Penny: OHHHH. OKAY.
Penny: I UNDERSTAND NOW.
Penny: OTHER. MEN. SHOULDN'T.
Penny: BE. ALLOWED. TO FUCK.
Penny: Oh god, when you wiggle it around, I think you're moving my cervix.
Penny: MY WOMB IS WANDERING
Uma: Sounds like… fun…?
Penny: I'M SO SWEATY MY BRA STRAPS ARE STICKING
William: Oh god, oh god, this sex is so custom!
Penny: We're really raising the roof, here!
Penny: HOW CAN I EVER GO BACK TO ANDREW?!
William: HOW CAN I EVER HAVE SEX WITHOUT LOOKING AT MY HANDSOME FACE?
Penny: MY BONES ARE MELTING
William: I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE COMPRESSION
Penny: …where am I? Who am I?
William: I think she just had a critical orgasm!
Penny: …hey, what…
Penny: My mind hasn't gone this blank this often since Jerome asked me what my relationship with Stephen was!
William: I'm partially named after him.
Penny: Maybe that's why you screw around so much.
Penny: Man, I wish this wasn't so good.
Penny: So I wouldn't be tempted to not stop doing it.
William: You need to build up some monogamy points between transgressions to get the full effect, though.
William: Alright! You take over, my pelvis needs a minute.
Penny: …oh. There I go again.
William: I hope you appreciate how much effort I'm putting into putting into you without putting into you.
Penny: Stop bragging and do something worth bragging about.
William: WARP TEN
Penny: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
William: Captain Sparkles accepts burnt offerings and monetary donations.
Penny: OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN…!
William: I think your man's calling you, too.
Penny: …hey… uh. Can I call you back?
William: Say "hi" to Mandrew for me.
Penny: I hung up JUST before you said that.
William: I came in you JUST before you hung up.
William: Come again?
Penny: And again and again and again…
Valerie: THAT's MY FAKE HUSBAND!
Confidence: SOMEONE'S TAKING MY PLACE
Penny: Who are you cheating on?
William: Everybody. Everybody, everywhere.
Pictured: the process of editing a book.
Substitute whatever repetitive, Sisyphean task you typically perform to personalize this caption.
Confidence: The only thing I do often, never gets old.
Confidence: It's hard to get accustomed to chaos.
Confidence: Take what's about to happen, for example.
Confidence: Hey baby, I was just breaking into the neighbourhood and I thought you'd like to drop into me.
Penny: I should… *yawn*
William: Yeah, you should yawn.
Nick: Hey baby, let me climb down your uncanny valley.
Confidence: You don't want to know who I am?
Nick: The less I'm able to tell the cops, the better.
Confidence: Well, I've heard a lot about you.
Nick: If you've been talking to the beard wizard, the beard wizard's an asshole.
Nick: I could totally take the beard wizard.
Confidence: I've been wanting to meet you for a long time.
Nick: It just so happens I've got a long time handy right this moment!
Confidence: I hear your family's kinda fucked-up.
Nick: If you heard kinda you heard wrong.
Confidence: Stretch that skeleton on up here.
Confidence: NOW STRETCH IT DOWN AGAIN IT'S WEIRD
I actually noticed the headlines at the top, but then I also noticed the little hand in the mirror that seemed to be pointing to the headlines, as if to say "Hey, fix that," and I consciously decided not to crop.
Penny: I wish I could explain my decision-making process.
William: The power of schlong compels her!
William: I wouldn't use that explanation on your husband, mind.
Penny: "My husband, mind." That's a fair description of him.
William: What about me?
Penny: "My lover, body."
Nick: NOTHIN' LIKE BODY-LOVIN'
Confidence: Shut up and snog.
William: That's good advice.
Penny: I don't take good advice.
William: You do take good dick!
Penny: …that was supposed to be a lead-in to Alanis Morissette.
William: We already did that one.
Penny: We already did everything.
Penny: And we'll just have to live with that.
Nick: Are you gonna live with us?
Confidence: Maybe even die with you!
Valerie: Your dad is so dreamy.
Andrea: He's not my dad.
Valerie: Your uncle, then.
Valerie: WHAT THE FUCK'S A "HALF-UNCLE"?!
Andrea: I really don't want to explain it to you.
What a great gal.
Penny: Yeah, look at me, giving trim to my neighbour.
Penny: What the fuck is wrong with us.
Confidence: EVERYBODY, EVERYWHERE
William: I THOUGHT I COULD COOK
Jordan: Where's the fire?!
Can you teleport?
William: SHE CAN'T TELEPORT, CAN SHE
Victor: And I'm too busy holding my drink. So.
Brooke: NEVER FEAR, GANGLY GIRL IS HERE!
Neila: GANGLY GIRL! YOU'RE MY FAVOURITE SUPERHERO I'VE NEVER HEARD OF!
Neila Sharpe the Witch: SAVE US, GANGLY GIRL!
Brooke: MY ONLY SUPERPOWER IS AWKWARDNESS
William: You don't need superpowers to fight fires, you just need properly-maintained equipment.
Victor: Good thing you always check the extinguishers.
William: Yeah, that time the building I was in exploded really stuck with me, you know?
Victor: Hand behind sister!
Brooke: Face behind hand!
Victor and Brooke: Hot behind wall!
William: Charcoal in pan.
Jeannie: Circus in town.
Next time: desolation row.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 December 2012.