Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
In which an old and new wives tale is told, in a unique fashion.
Dagmar: I HAVEN'T AGREED TO BE HIS WIFE
Neil: She hasn't even agreed to let me at her tail, yet!
Dagmar: What am I bid?
Dagmar: I am apparently bid a dance.
Neil: My preference is for expensive ladies who come cheap.
Neil: In my defense, I try to make them come often, too.
Dagmar: That's a hell of a defense.
Neil: Well, I was on tap for Defense Secretary at one point.
Neil: Before I tapped my secretary.
Dagmar: So that's why we're doing this in an office.
Neil: And an orifice.
Dagmar: Only the one?
Neil: Depends! You can just use the one, if you like.
Laci: You know what I don't like?
Laci: Apparently never-ending reference chain captions!
Neil: I for one am proud to be on the chain gang.
Dagmar: As opposed to your former gangs, the military and the prison.
Neil: Otherwise known as the mobile prison and the stationary military.
Dagmar: What does military stationery look like?
Neil: I dunno, I mostly only saw it under the vibrating body of my secretary.
Laci: Yeah, I've switched permanently to land lines, I didn't like my phone vibrating OH DAMMIT THIS IS STILL GOING?!
Dagmar: How are you still going? Isn't it past your bedtime?
Neil: I never go to bed alone.
Neil: No man is an army, as they say.
Dagmar: Well, for tonight, you can be an army and I will be a leggy!
Neil: Wrap those armies and open those leggies, baby.
Neil: And then wrap the leggies too.
Dagmar: What about the boobies?
Neil: I will take care of the boobies.
Neil: That's where Dolly Parton gets her mail.
Neil: Care of: The Boobies.
Dagmar: I wish I was getting Dolly Parton's mail, instead of my male.
Dagmar: Who's Dolly Parton, anyway?
Neil: Know who else nobody knows who is?
Neil: That nobody who isn't anybody's anybody wasn't some particular body's body!
Neil: There's a lot of bodies hereabouts.
Neil: But not all of them are created equal!
Dagmar: I wasn't created this way. It took effort.
Neil: OH YEAH BABY, TAKE MY EFFORT
Dagmar: I don't know if I can.
Dagmar: But I'm determined to try!
Dagmar: As long as I've got this free trial going, I mean.
Neil: Trials are never free. Just ask Melanie Lillard.
Neil: Although she'd have trouble hearing you under that lamp, lamphead!
Neil: Hey, can you give me head after this?
Neil: If there's an "after this" where I haven't gone on to the afterlife.
Neil: Man, everything before sex is the beforelife.
Neil: And everything after is the beforesex.
Neil: Beforemore sex.
Laci: Hey cuntface!
Laci: He's got a really cunty face.
Neil: Hey baby, cunt my face!
Neil: Cunt it uuuuup.
Dagmar: Dick it dowwwwn?
Neil: Hey, if you insist!
Neil: I won't resist.
Dagmar: I get the gist.
Dagmar: You gist tastes like piss.
Neil: I prefer to call it my gistm.
Laci: I drink to forget statements like that.
I prefer to call that my system.
Dagmar: We're really giving the sex system a workout today, huh?
Neil: Any good workout needs to take at least an hour.
Neil: I'd take Rosemarie for at least an hour.
Neil: It would take at least a second hour to work out how many cases of adultery that represents.
Neil: But is it really adultery when the aggrieved party is a Murphy?
Neil: Murphies aren't peeeeople.
Dagmar: Murphies are a buzz-kill, as conversation topics go.
Neil: You heard the lady, conversation topics! GO!
Dagmar: Go where?
Neil: Go down.
Dagmar: Oh! There.
Laci: Not HERE!
Dagmar: Not done?!
Neil: Not nearly.
Laci: I've nearly lost it. Come over here and help me find it.
Dagmar: I'm so glad we found each other.
Neil: I was stalking you.
Neil: That's what they call it when it's unsuccessful, anyway.
Dagmar: When it's successful they usually call it serial killing.
Neil: Hey serial killer, been successful lately?
Neil: She says she's not a serial killer.
And that is not a poster.
Ally: And THIS is not a PUBLIC PLACE
Vicki: And THIS is not a PUBIC PLACE!
Victor: Everywhere's a pubic place, if you want it badly enough.
Laci: How badly do you want me?
Victor: Badly enough to do you well.
Laci: Brandi doesn't do anything well.
Victor: Except butt into conversations she's not present for, apparently.
Victor: Aw, you got a present for me!
Laci: These lips were made for presentation.
Neil: I like the way you present when you teleport.
Vicki: It's not intentional. It's harder to backflip when you're pregnant.
Quote of the Day, check!
Vicki: Guy I should be over but am not, check!
Vicki: Check please!
Neil: I live to please! And to check! Out.
Victor: Man, check out that hair! What do you call that colour?
Laci: Laci's hair colour.
Laci: Because I first saw it on Laci.
Vicki: I first saw you on Laci!
Neil: Is that why you murdered her?
Vicki: You know that wasn't my fault.
Neil: I know, I just resent the fact that everyone else gets their faults forgiven, but mine are somehow still active.
Laci: I'll show you active!
Victor: More like break my BACKtive.
Laci: Back again, Mayor Townie?
Dagmar: Mayor come in?
Laci: Mayor may not!
Neil: May I come in?
Vicki: Might as well, I'm already pregnant.
Neil: Ew, you are?
Neil: I thought you were just letting yourself go.
Vicki: I wish I could let you go.
Neil: I wish I could let me go, too.
Victor: Please don't let me go.
Laci: All the clipping in the world couldn't stop me.
Laci: Nor all the skeleton-stretching.
Ally: Speaking of, you're gonna get serious lower back problems from that.
Vicki: They feel more sexy than serious, at present.
Neil: SEXY IS SERIOUS
Ally: Seriously sexy!
Ally: I'm masturbating to you.
Neil: I'm masturbating to me, too! In Vicki.
Neil: OUT of Vicki?!
Laci: Best Friends Permanently! I mean Forever!
Victor: Hahaha, not likely.
Victor: Hahaha, lovely.
Vicki: Hahaha mental breakdown.
Vicki: Also physical breakdown, that thing is DANGEROUS
Neil: He has a name, and he has feelings.
Vicki: I know all about his feelings, but what's his name?
Laci: Roger Ramrod.
♪ He's our man ♪
Laci: ♪ Hero of our nation ♪
Vicki: ♪ If you want him, take my word and stick with masturbation ♪
Neil: Only if I can watch.
Neil: Oh, hey, look at the watch. I mean the time. It's late.
Neil: In the chapter.
Vicki: Oh, good, I thought I was going insane.
Vicki: Instead of just going home.
Neil: I'm thinking of going out like this.
Laci: I'm thinking of taking him out with the trash.
Ally: I'm thinking this whole update was your answer to "What's your record for chaining pun captions?"
I thought it might be good for a laugh.
Or a good time.
Next time: gameplay from 5 and 6 January 2013!
This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 January 2013.