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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 484


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which this one is long because those ones were short.



Elle: DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE HORNY FOR SHORTIES?!



Meanwhile Bambi had a Want to look like a fucking pig.



Elle: Artful hair/nipple arrangement!



Elijah: Am I a character?

No.

Elijah: Are you sure?

It took me a second to remember your name, and I still don't remember if I even established it yet.



Xavier: Am I a character?

Somehow, you are.



Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Obviously I'm not going to ask.



Bambi: Yeah, a whole parade of them, checkin' in and out. Dunno what they want.



Bambi: No, probably not my "love lumps." Ew?



Bambi: I don't date my employers.
Neil: I'm not your employer anymore.
Bambi: I don't date you.



Bambi: Then again, that's a simple I/O matter, isn't it?



You're going on a date with Neil?

Bambi: Actually, I'm coming on a date with Neil. Hopefully.



Elle: She's crazy.



He's classy.



Neil: OW



Bambi: BAM! Dicksmash.
Neil: WHY



Bambi: It's easier than convincing you to put it back in your pants.



Bambi: Welcome to my humble abode!
Neil: Nothing with columns is humble.



Bambi: WHY HE SO OLD

I honestly don't know how he got that way.



Bambi: You've been murdered a few times, right?
Neil: Was it only a few?



Neil: Yellow wallpaper.
Bambi: Yeah?
Neil: Your insane asylum has yellow wallpaper.
Bambi: Yeah?
Neil: CAN'T YOU CLICK HYPERLINKS



Bambi: BAM! No.



Elle: Feeding time, Mr. Porcelain!



Elle: Mouth-watering, isn't it?!



Neil: Hahaha! Crazytown.



Neil: How did you get this sweet setup, anyway?
Bambi: Maker was bored.

That was pretty much it.



Bambi: You should see what he's doing in the next chapter.
Neil: I will! Tomorrow.



Bambi: I could just tell you now.
Neil: More conversation would move this date in the wrong direction, in my opinion.



Bambi: We were terrible prison guards, eh.



Neil: The absolute worst.



Neil: Enough jaw.



Neil: More tongue.



Neil: Orrrr you could flex your… nose-muscle?!



Neil: I love me an eldbitch abomination!



Eldbitch abominations love holding you up while you kiss them.



Bambi: I thought you were gonna FAINT!
Neil: I thought I was gonna COME!



Neil: Hahaha, sorry.
Bambi: No, it's fine! You can talk about it, just don't do it.



Bambi: Yet.



Neil: Don't worry, I have a very swift recovery rate.



It did this the other day, actually.

In fucking APRIL.



You know what they say! April snow brings May…



escrow?



Neil: Nailed it.



Bambi: Now it's your turn.



Neil: To…
Bambi: Nail it, yes.



Elle: Where'd your green friend go?



Elle: 'cuz he was green.



Bambi: He went in his pants, so he went.



Bambi: I guess I need to find someone with better staying power!
Elle: I've stayed here the entire time!



Bambi: Woo! Yeah! Jazzhands party!



Bambi: I'm not dating you.
Elle: Why not? If my Aspiration points come back, I'll be cured, right?
Bambi: There's nothing in my psychology books about the curative effects of total ethical meltdown.



Elle: You could write a new book!
Bambi: Yes, and title it Why I Should Be Arrested.



Elle: I would write the fuck out of that foreword.



Bambi: There's got to be SOMETHING in here that will help.

There doesn’t, actually.

Bambi: Okay, I want there to be something in here that will help.

And in my experience, wanting something is the opposite of that something being likely to happen.



Elle: YOUR EXPERIENCE SUCKS



Bambi: Who's sucking?



Bambi: So, Neil dropped off this stereo? You can have it.
Elle: Oh boy! I've never had stereo before!



Elle: I've had mono before, but never stereo!



Bambi: What.



Bambi: Ever.



She left her psych book.

Elle: I'm pretty psyched about it.



Elle: So, I was thinking.
Bambi: Yeah, that's kinda the problem.



Elle: Some fresh air might do me good!
Bambi: Oh, yes, let's revert to Victorian methodology, shall we?



Bambi: If I let you out, and you escape, I'd never be able to find you.
Elle: Okay! Let's do that.



Bambi: Come with me.
Elle: Like Neil did?



Elle: What's THIS?
Bambi: Your rest cure.



Bambi: So you can see why they don't work.



Elle: Is it the snow?



Elle: Because yeah, the snow's not helping.



Bambi: You want back in already, girl?



Elle: Don't play with me like that.
Bambi: How do you want me to play with you, then?



Elle: Give me a garden outside!
Bambi: Ew. No.
Elle: What?
Bambi: Ants.



Bambi: That's not the real reason.

What's the real reason?

Bambi: I don't like being outside.

Why don't you like being outside?

Bambi: Because my name is BAMBI, and you're YOU, and I just KNOW you're waiting to have a hunter accidentally shoot me. As a JOKE.



You're already enough of a joke as it is, though.

Bambi: That's true.



Sour dreams!



Sour milk.



Elle: If I barf in here, can I keep it for later?



Bambi: Don't make me go outside.

Okay.

Bambi: "For outside you have to creep on the ground, and everything is green instead of yellow."

Okay.




♪ You shouldn't fuck with witches ♪
♪ But there was no-one to warn her ♪
♪ So now she's on her tea-kettle ♪
♪ At a desolate corner ♪



Observe!



Ivy: Object!



Ivy: Where am I?

Just outside Cloverton.

Ivy: WHAT.



Ivy: LOW-GRADE VACATION!



Ivy: Man! Kicked out of my own house.

Magicked.

Ivy: Magikicked out of my own house.



Ivy: Oh well, let's see if I can't dig up a new one.



Ivy: Yep! I can't.



I have a sneaking, sneaking suspicion that this might be government land, Ivy.



Ivy: Sneaking is for losers.
Xavier: Aw.



Ivy: The wind does a passable Xavier impression around here.



Ivy: You came!
Xavier: In Shiloh. Yes.



Ivy: I'll ignore that. So hey! Like my observatory? Built it myself.



Xavier: You're my best bullshitter.



Ivy: BAM! Running joke!



Ivy: You didn't actually fuck Shiloh, though, right?
Xavier: I actually did.
Ivy: But not really.
Xavier: Really.
Ivy: Literally.
Xavier: Literally.
Ivy: In fact?
Xavier: In vagina.



Xavier: FUCKED HER RIGHT GOOD



Xavier: Personally if I got my girlfriend murdered and all she did was fuck another dude I'd count myself pretty goddamn lucky!



Ivy: So, let's talk about what a huge slut you are.



Xavier: You have planet-sized balls.



Xavier: I've moved on. Shiloh and I are very happy! You can go be with your murder-wizard now.



Ivy: That's hardly sustainable.



Ivy: It was a moment of weakness!
Xavier: It was a moment of evil.



Xavier: Invite me to the wedding! I'll call the cops on it.



Ivy: Yeah, call the cops on the murder wizard. That'll end well.

no great loss either way



Xavier: He's really bucking for that arrest, isn't he?



Ivy: He's a real bucker, alright.



Ivy: Please forgive me.
Xavier: Would you settle for being forgotten?



Or flying stopsigns?



Xavier: This shouldn't be happening.
Ivy: Yeah, the signs are malfunctioning.
Xavier: No, I mean you and me.
Ivy: Yeah, we're dysfunctioning.



Ivy: ♪ Why don't we do it in the road? ♪



Xavier: ♪ Why don't we do it in the road? ♪



Ivy: ♪ Why don't we do it in the ro-oo-oad?! ♪



Xavier: ♪ Why don't we DO it in the road? ♪



Xavier: ♪ No-one will be… watching us? ♪



Ivy: ♪ Why, don't we, do it in, the road.



I wish that was the worst Beatles song.



But there's Birthday.



Ivy: ♪ YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY ♪

NO

Ivy: ♪ WELL IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOO YEAH ♪

NO



Xavier: Yeah, I cannot road-fuck to that.



Ivy: We cool now?
Xavier: We're hot, at the very least.



Ivy: Why did we do it in the road?



Xavier: Why didn't we wait until the sun had warmed it up a bit, at least?



Okay, so far she can afford two walls and… a mirror?

Ivy: It's so I can see how happy I am to have the two walls.



Ivy: Or make kissy-faces at myself to pretend I didn't just get dumped.



Ivy: OR AM I NOT PRETENDING



Xavier: I dunno. It's hard to say I dumped you when we just had road-sex.



Xavier: Then again, I don't know if I can be with someone as obviously unlucky as you.



Xavier: Then again again, cleaning up messes would be something to occupy my time!



Xavier: However tiny amount of that I might have left.



Ivy: I won't let anyone hurt you.
Xavier: Except you.



Uma: Well duh. You can't take that away from a girl.



Ivy: XAVIER! Oh, XAVIER!
Xavier: Just a second! I'm in the half-room!



Ivy: I didn't want to drop a house on you.



Ivy: Because you're not a wicked witch.



Xavier: That could be the nicest thing you've ever said about me.



Ivy: Yeah, time spent saying nice things about people is time you don't get back.



Ivy: There's a joke to be made here about how I've "got back," but I'm too wet to think it through right now.



Xavier: Wet, you say.



Ivy: I do say.



Xavier: I don't hate you!
Ivy: I do!



Ivy: Not enough to want to punish myself like this, though.



I'm glad you guys are comfortable with each other.

Ivy: Or at least, comfortable with making each other uncomfortable!



What is that hooked up to?

Ivy: You saw the geysers.



What if that's a sewage pipe, though?

Ivy: Then someone's flushing an awful lot of soap.



Ivy: He's watching me, right?

Wrong.

Ivy: Oh, he's gay?



Xavier: Maybe I just don't like seeing my aunt's ass?



Ex-aunt. And sure, she has Abigail's skintone. But you have Ember's.

Xavier: Yes, but it's not like she has a cock.



Ivy: Ember? Ember's got all of the cocks.



Ivy: And I have all of the rocks!



You shouldn't start a sentence with "And I" because it makes me almost type "And IIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOOVE YOOUUUUUOUOUOUOUOH"



Ivy: Yes, you're right, I don't want that.



Ivy: Nor do I particularly want a map to the Pagoda in the Shadows, but, hey.



Ivy: It's free directions to real estate.



Truly, I have reached the pinnacle of modded Sims.

(He's clearly pissing on the tank, btw.)



Xavier: WHY CHEAT FOR PEE COCKS



Xavier: Aw MAN! "Pee cocks"! That deserved a MUCH better setup.



Xavier: You know who doesn't deserve a much better setup?

Ivy?

Xavier: Ivy.



Because she doesn't deserve it, she got it.



Ivy: Our world's becoming more real all the time.



Xavier: I LOVE YOU YOU BITCH



Xavier: …I took the bus for this?!



Ivy: Want some cold dogs?



Ivy: They're fro-zen!



Xavier: Mmm, they smell uncooked!



Ivy: They taste like shattered teeth.



Ivy: And shattered dreams.



Ivy: And shat.



Ivy: News!

Nope.

Ivy: What?

I'm not doing a newspaper with half a dozen pics left!



Ivy: I'm glad you're not married to the idea of producing quality content.



Just for that, you get floor-bed.



Ivy: Just means I've got nowhere to go but up!



Ivy: Speaking of butt-up.



Ivy: Oh, wow! Muscles suck.

Better than suckin' muscles.



Ivy: My suckin' muscles rock!

But how are your rock-suckin' muscles?

Next time: digging a hole where the rain gets in.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 to 7 January 2013.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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