Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
In which knowledge is gained.
Vanessa: But first, the university gets to know my wallet.
Andrew: Hey, Brooke.
Brooke: How do you know my name?
Andrew: I don't. I just assume all townies are named "Brooke" now.
Vanessa: It usually works out.
Vanessa: What'll that be, Brooke?
Vanessa: What's wrong, Brooke?
Andrew: Loving the new look!
Vanessa: It wasn't supposed to work, apparently.
Vanessa: He didn't show me changing into it.
Andrew: Good ol' Past Grugly. Bad at taking pics and bad at judging chicks!
Sounds more like bad ol' Past Grugly.
Vanessa: This is a much different experience when you're rich.
Andrew: The only thing the rich experience the same as the poor is the desire to become richer.
Andrew: Because you can never have enough frilly garbage.
Andrew: Or filly grabage!
Andrew: I dunno, it's the hormones talking.
Vanessa: Bring them closer.
Vanessa: I want to talk to them directly.
Vanessa: Alright, nearly got this dialled in.
Vanessa: Do I look alright?
Vanessa: Do I look like anyone else?
Vanessa: DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL!
Vanessa: Hey baby, rectify your error.
Vanessa: Get it?
Andrew: Because you nearly grabbed my-
Vanessa: BECAUSE I NEARLY GRABBED YOUR RECTUM
Vanessa: Rectum Ralph.
Vanessa: Just putting that out there.
Andrew: Put it BACK.
Andrew: Get it?
Andrew: Because the rectum is-
Vanessa: Oh. On the back. Right. It isn't, though.
Vanessa: Did you ever go here?
Andrew: I don't think anybody did.
Don and Kaylynn.
Andrew: Right, so nobody.
Vanessa: A table for myself and this sexual flutterfly, if you please?
Andrew: How come all the seats are outside, anyway?
That's a long story.
It'll cover several captions.
I am SO in.
I started Pine Valley when I was at grad school for the first time, doing my first master's degree.
Vanessa: How many-
I needed two, to cover all the mastery I have.
Anyway I started this story in the summer, when I was going down to the university's pub with my friends a lot. It didn't look anything like this place.
Vanessa: All good glimpses of the future or the past should be confusing.
Well, since it was summer, and they had such a great patio, we always ate and drank there instead of in the voluminous interior. That's why this place only has a patio, and no volume.
Although the volume was quite high, at the real pub.
Andrew: He's only been waiting nine years to uncork that story.
Nikki: I'm not holding this gigantic pen for no reason, you know.
Andrew: I'll have-
Vanessa: She's gone, bro.
Vanessa: Just eat what she brought you.
Vanessa: BEFORE THE CHARLATAN TAKES IT
Andrew: Oh, good, I get some of yours too.
Andrew: One-point-one meals for the price of one.
Vanessa: The price of two. I told them you'd pay.
Andrew: You RAT.
Andrew: Marry me.
Vanessa: Here's to regrets!
Andrew: Here's to hammerspace goblets!
Andrew: Not at all bizarre.
Vanessa: Here's to new beginnings!
Caryl: Here's to awkward lingerings!
The Intriguing Charlatan: I'll drink, or eat your food, to that.
Andrew: Get your own plate of shaving cream.
Vanessa: So, was that a real marriage proposal?
Andrew: Oh, I'd never make a real one.
Andrew: I'm afraid of rejection. I can only ask for things I want ironically.
I wonder where you get that from.
Andrew: I love being a hangup dumpster.
Vanessa: I think you made a friend.
Vanessa: Don't you just love the ambience here?
Andrew: Yeah, it's like we're slave owners in a featureless wasteland.
Andrew: Seriously, I wish they'd stop hovering over us.
Vanessa: Got white guilt, have you?
Andrew: I'm having a softly-lit mousse in a suit. This is practically a crime against humanity.
Vanessa: I keep forgetting you guys aren't as good at being rich as us guys.
Vanessa: If you're feeling too bougie, you could let the Charlatan drain your bank account.
Caryl: Oh, he'd LOVE that!
Vanessa: How about a drink?
Andrew: I'm still hungry.
Vanessa: How about a roll, then?
Andrew: Now you're talkin'.
Andrew: Now you're talkin'.
Vanessa: I heard you through the window, before they bricked it up apparently.
Vanessa: Oh! Dad!
Andrew: Hey Neil.
Neil: How much are you paying her?
Neil: To impersonate my dead daughter.
Vanessa: It's actually me, dad.
Neil: …can I pay you, too? For parties?
Vanessa: I guess maybe an "I'm not dead anymore!" card would've been a good idea.
Neil: Huh. It is you.
Vanessa: I honestly don't think this is an identity anyone would want very much to steal, so, yeah.
Neil: Who wouldn't want to be one of my daughters?
Vanessa: One of your daughters, for starters.
Neil: Possibly all of them.
Andrew: "STUDENT HOUSING"?
Vanessa: Look up the actual address, you lazy asshole.
If it ain't on the wall, it don't exist.
Andrew: Better a lazy asshole than an uptight one.
Vanessa: I lived in one of these, when I was Poppy.
Andrew: This one?
Vanessa: I dunno, I couldn't even tell them apart back then.
Andrew: Speaking of back.
Vanessa: Oh, you checkin' my rectum?
Andrew: Fuck off.
Vanessa: I'd rather get my fuck on.
Vanessa: This bringing back any memories for you?
Andrew: Basically all my memories were of my dorm.
Vanessa: Which one were you in, again?
Andrew: The one that's currently called Murphy Hall.
Vanessa: …yes. That does make sense.
Vanessa: Is there a Sharpe Hall?
Vanessa: Is it the one where I died?
Andrew: No, it's the one where your brother fucked half of his cohort.
Vanessa: …yes. That does make sense.
Vanessa: We'll have to check your dorm out.
Andrew: What if someone's in there?
Vanessa: We'll have to gross your dorm out.
Andrew: I've got all sorts of ideas.
Andrew: And getting more all the time.
Vanessa: Okay, you're laying it on a bit thick, now, buddy.
Andrew: I'd like to lay thick in you!
Vanessa: Okay, you're running a fever.
Andrew: For you!
Vanessa: Chemistry check, please!
Vanessa: YOU'RE FARTING ALL THOSE HEARTS FOR ONLY TWO BOLTS?!
Andrew: They feel like three, with the wind chill.
Vanessa: Walter Windchill.
Andrew: Stop it.
Ally: NO TIME HAS PASSED
Bambi: BUT I DIDN'T EXIST BACK THEN
Ally: I'LL RETCON YOU INTO MY BACKSTORY IF YOU LET ME GRAB YOUR BOOB
Bambi: YOU ALREADY GRABBED MY BOOB
Ally: I'VE ALREADY RECONNED YOUR AGREEMENT IN
Andrew: On second thought, let's not go here. 'tis a silly place.
Andrew: How many weirdoes?
Vanessa: I dunno, these fixed camera angles are tough.
Gargly Voice: RESIDENT EEEVILLL
…apparently this is the spot where I make my Resident Evil jokes.
Vanessa: You'd think something so big would have more polygons.
Yeah, like your brother's dick.
Andrew: It's not nice to spring a girl's brother's dick on her like that.
Vanessa: So, feeling nostalgic?
Andrew: What, for your brother's-
Vanessa: Fuck off.
Andrew: My memories of this place are mixed.
Vanessa: So, let's mix up some new ones.
Andrew: We've got some fine ingredients.
Andrew: How 'bout them apples.
Vanessa: They're pretty standard.
Andrew: With emphasis on the pretty.
You just like that outfit because it reminds you of Chelsea's old one.
Vanessa: YOU TOLD ME IT WAS UNIQUE YOU BASTARD
Vanessa: Man, it's almost like we can't trust our capricious and randomly-cruel creator!
Andrew: Did you clear the riffraff out?
Yeah, I cast them into the abyss of temporary nonexistence.
Andrew: That sounds nice. I might like to visit there sometime.
Andrew: You know, there's not a lot of call for a university at this point in the story.
Vanessa: What are you thinking?
Andrew: All your talk about us being rich white folk has me in a real-estate frame of mind.
Vanessa: If you want me to buy a dorm, I'm gonna need at least several hours of levity from you.
Andrew: I don't know if I have several hours of levity left in me, to be honest.
Vanessa: Don't be honest.
Andrew: You don't like honesty?
Vanessa: Not with what there is to be honest about, I don't.
Andrew: That was some seriously tortured grammar.
Vanessa: If you can't make the language sing, at least make it groan!
I re-took this pic to centre the figures better.
And then went with the original.
Andrew: He thinks this is art.
Vanessa: It's artificial, anyway.
THOSE MEAN THE SAME THING YOU KNOW
Fucking Roger Ebert and video games not being art.
"Art" isn't subjective.
If you can ask "Is ____ art?" the answer is YES.
I'm glad he's-
…I was gonna say "not reviewing movies anymore."
Vanessa: Sure you were.
Celeste: So you FINALLY show up to mealtime!
Celeste: You'll have to eat in your OWN dorm, young lady.
Vanessa: I think she's crazy.
Andrew: So, that hasn't changed.
Celeste: I'm sending your parents a very stern telegram about this.
Andrew: Okay, she might be a bit crazier, now.
But not crazy enough to be thinking about cafeteria workers when a hot chick is making out with her, I bet.
Vanessa: He called me a hot chick!
Andrew: He's kinda biased, though.
Vanessa: YOU ARE SO TACTLESS
Andrew: Girls don't give caresses to guys who aren't messes!
Vanessa: Girls don't bare cooches to guys who are douches, though.
Andrew: MANIFESTLY UNTRUE.
Andrew: This is my old room.
Vanessa: What did you do in here?
Andrew: I didn't do in here. I was done in here.
Celeste: You're done in there already? I'll send the cleaners in.
Vanessa: Better lock the door.
Andrew: Yeah, we don't want any company.
Vanessa: Any interruptions, more like.
Andrew: What's wrong?
Vanessa: Feeling angruilty.
Vanessa: Or maybe guilangry.
Vanessa: Are you cheating on me with a door?
Andrew: This door and I go way back, Vanessa.
More so in an alternate continuity.
Vanessa: Ew, I touched that thing.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
Vanessa: No, what she said was COME AND GET IT!
Andrew: Chelsea started with a blowjob.
Vanessa: We're here to correct our mistakes, not re-create hers.
Andrew: I wouldn't characterize anything Chelsea does sexually as a mistake, precisely.
Andrew: But alright, girls don't do sexes when you talk about your exes, so.
Andrew: Let's do sexes.
Vanessa: Let's do SEXIESTS!
Vanessa: …it's day outside?
Andrew: Yeah, we've been fucking for a while now.
Vanessa: It's raining, inside.
Andrew: Yeah, I didn't have a condom.
Sorry, I backed through the wall there.
Andrew: I am also backing through a wall.
Andrew: I HOPE YOU DIDN'T LIKE THIS DRESS
Andrew: THIS INEXPLICABLY YELLOW-NOW DRESS
The reasoning is lost to the ages.
Andrew: Like our virginities.
Vanessa: I DIDN'T LIKE OUR VIRGINITIES
Did you like Virginia?
Vanessa: DON'T DEAD SISTER UP MY SEXING!
Vanessa: …you're… actually pretty good at this.
Vanessa: Hahaha hell no.
Brandi: My blackmail material sense is going nuts right now.
Vanessa: Want me to go nuts?
Andrew: Well, sure, but don't make a special trip or anything.
Vanessa: Bet I can out-blow Chelsea.
Andrew: I'll refuse to comment, either way.
Andrew: I like your hair better than her hat.
I like Vanessa's nose better than Chelsea's nose.
Andrew: Yeah, it's longer, so it tickles more.
That's what she said.
Vanessa: All done.
Andrew: A guy can pretend, can't he?
Vanessa: Good thing sperm isn't real.
Andrew: What're you thinking about?
Vanessa: We'll never know.
Vanessa: So, what now?
Andrew: How about a sweet, sweet chapter-ending?
Vanessa: You mean…?
Andrew: WE'RE MULTI-CHAPTERING THIS BITCH!
Brandi: This is the chessboard where the Lillard Manoeuvre was devised.
Vanessa: What's the Lillard Manoeuvre?
Brandi: A very effective form of psychological warfare.
Vanessa: Do you miss Melanie?
Vanessa: They've flown the coop.
Brandi: That's alright, their playable gravity will draw us along with them.
Vanessa: Alright suckers, we're loading another lot!
Vanessa: I was kinda hoping to finish this game, though.
Vanessa: DON'T MAKE ME BE OVER THERE!
Next time: the next best thing to a retcon.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 January 2013.