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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 495


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which sequences repeat.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Wow, took you like two days to decide to waste your brand-new life, huh?



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I thought you had all these cool scientific ideas you wanted to try out!
Wander: I'm doing a study on psychotropic substances! There aren't any.



FRIDAY: I don't even know WHAT THE FUCK I'M doing.



Valliculas, the Green Gloom of Below: HE IS MINE NOW



Wander: We really need to get that thing checked out.



FRIDAY: What're you doing?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Plotting.



Andrew: Plotting what.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Not that kind of plotting.



FRIDAY: She's generating a plot for you!
Andrew: I have a plot.
FRIDAY: She's generating an interesting one.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Appello dramatis!



FRIDAY: We're doing this because we love you.
Andrew: No, you're not.
FRIDAY: No, we're not.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: We're doing this because she loves you.
Cameron Price the Witch: No, I don't.



Cameron Price the Witch: That was a guess, I didn't hear most of the lead-in.



Andrew: HAHAHA OH YES GREAT



Cameron Price the Witch: …hey?



Andrew: ♪ Get out of my houuuuuuse ♪



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Sorry dude, since I learned to teleport, all houses became mine.



FRIDAY: You gonna fuck the shit out of her?
Andrew: What.
Cameron Price the Witch: I mean… I've been stuck in the woods for a WHILE.



Andrew: SHE'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT
FRIDAY: So you're saying she's sex-starved? Sounds hot.



Cameron Price the Witch: Actually, funny story about the sex I have or haven't had recently.



FRIDAY: Well done, gargling that sentence through your vodka!



Wander: Oh, good, we've captured Goebbels.



Cameron Price the Witch: I prefer to think of myself as Albert Speer.



Cameron Price the Witch: If, you know, I have to be a FUCKING NAZI.



Wander: How are you NOT a fucking Nazi? You helped zombie most of the neighbourhood!
Andrew: Do you guys hate each other in real life? Is that why you can't share a scene without shots from behind, and shit?



Wander: Look.
Andrew: Okay, that's better.
Wander: Look. I'm just saying, they put you in jail for a reason.
Cameron Price the Witch: And that REASON was A LACK OF STATUTES OF LIMITATION!



Cameron Price the Witch: And also, okay, the occasional violent death.



Cameron Price the Witch: But I didn't eat hardly any brains!
Wander: YOU BETRAYED YOUR WHOLE DORMITORY
Cameron Price the Witch: NO REAL PEOPLE WERE IN THAT DORMITORY



Wander: I'm sorry, were you just saying how you're not a Nazi?

I'm sorry, but there's no version of this pic where I'm not creepily clipping through Cameron's head.



Wander: I should hope that apology was to her, then.



Cameron Price the Witch: I feel like everyone owes everyone an apology.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: As long as I'm only the second everyone, I agree!



Wander: He doesn't need you.
Cameron Price the Witch: I don't need him either.
Wander: LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE



Wander: Face it! You've always loved Andrew more than anyone else.
Cameron Price the Witch: I don't even want to face YOUR face, whoever you are, face-lady!



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: That's Andrew's gender-swapped clone, silly!
Cameron Price the Witch: …do I have a gender-swapped clone?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Yeah, let's start cloning criminals now.



Wander: She's got a point.
Cameron Price the Witch: Shut up, also-Andrew.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I think you and he need to work out your issues before you can move on with your lives, and/or sentences.



Wander: I'm up for anything that ends with her in jail!



Cameron Price the Witch: Maybe I could get a pardon?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Pardon?
Cameron Price the Witch: Yeah, for my crimes.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: No, pardon? As in what nonsense just came out of your nonsense hole?



Cameron Price the Witch: It's not out of the realm of possibility.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It's completely in the realm of madness.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Maybe Andrew'll put a good word in for you. Snicker.
Cameron Price the Witch: You're not supposed to say "snicker."
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Well, I can't very well actually snicker, now, can I? It's undignified.



Cameron Price the Witch: Yes, you have so much dignity, standing next to the bubble blower in your purple pajamas.



Andrew: Ooh, bitch-burn! Burned by a bitch.



Cameron Price the Witch: You've got a lot of nerve, bringing me here against my will!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I prefer the term "moxie."



Cameron Price the Witch: I was safe in Three Lakes! I wasn't hurting anybody!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Why Three Lakes, anyway? Was Argentina full?



Cameron Price the Witch: I AM NOT A NAZI
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: No?
Cameron Price the Witch: OUR PSEUDO-GENOCIDE WAS ITS OWN THING



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Man, your trial was such a miscarriage of justice. It should've been an abortion.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I am referring obliquely to execution.



Andrew: DON'T BE SO MEAN TO MY EX-WIFE WHOM I DESPISE!



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: But she caused the zombie apocalypse!
Andrew: No, I caused the zombie apocalypse!
Cameron Price the Witch: Ooh! I so very much want to hear this self-insertion fan-fic!



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: How was the apocalypse YOUR fault.
Andrew: I rejected Vanessa.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: What?
Andrew: I rejected Vanessa. Vanessa killed herself. Virginia died because Vanessa killed herself. Don resurrected Melanie to test resurrecting Virginia. Cameron helped Melanie because she was bored and alone. Cameron was bored and alone because I was here, fucking her dad's wife. I am an ouroboros of self-blame. I am a closed catalytic circuit.



Cameron Price the Witch: I am a witch now! Has that been mentioned?



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I was just trying to get you to defend her, you dumb idiot. You didn't need to accidental-Hitler yourself.



Andrew: If I had to be a Hitler, I'd want to be an accidental one.



Cameron Price the Witch: Can you teach me how to teleport out of awkward situations?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Being who you are, you'd just carry the awkward situation with you and pass it on to others, like a Tactless Mary or something.



Andrew: Yeah, she's a twit, isn't she.



Cameron Price the Witch: And you are a jackhole.
Andrew: Bitch.
Cameron Price the Witch: Fuckhead.
Andrew: Amoral.
Cameron Price the Witch: Hedonist.
Andrew: Inconstant.
Cameron Price the Witch: Inconsistent.



Andrew: Hot as fucking FUCK.
Cameron Price the Witch: A great big grey piece of perfect ass!



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Getting you back together is a service to anyone else you might otherwise end up with, individually.



Cameron Price the Witch: Is that what we're doing?

That's entirely up to you guys.

Cameron Price the Witch: Is it actually, though?

Mm, half-and-half.



Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You should take her out on the town.
Andrew: Where the police are.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I'm sure it'll be fine.



Andrew: Oh, you cast a spell on her so she won't draw suspicion?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: No, I'm just fine with the possibility that she's gonna get arrested.



Cameron Price the Witch: Or shot.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Or shot!



Andrew: Never do anything like this ever again.



Andrew: And thanks.



Cameron Price the Witch: I hear ya, giant comic lady.



Andrew: I'll drive. I have the strangest feeling your license is no good.

This pic is super rare.

I had to crop something out of the bottom.

That's happened, like, once.



Andrew: It's an omen! I hate omens.



Cameron Price the Witch: Yeah, they're always antichrist children, am I right?



Cameron Price the Witch: Movie reference.
Andrew: Want a medal?



Cameron Price the Witch: I mean, if you've got one…



Cameron Price the Witch: You probably haven't got one.




Cameron Price the Witch: Our special place!
Andrew: Everyone's special place.



Andrew: But! I know a special place within the special place.



Andrew: Where once I made a terrible bad decision.



Cameron Price the Witch: Was it as terriblebad as sitting on a bench in the wintertime?



Andrew:



Cameron Price the Witch: YES, I know, we got engaged here! Like a billion chapters ago.



Andrew: The billion chapters since then haven't been kind to us, have they?
Cameron Price the Witch: We haven't been kind to us.



Andrew: So, how was Three Lakes?
Cameron Price the Witch: Eight inches.
Andrew: …what?
Cameron Price the Witch: Nothing.



Andrew: Something tells me you're not talking about snowfall.
Cameron Price the Witch: No, I brought these eight inches there with me.



Andrew: EIGHT inches. You… fucked a Sharpe kid.



Cameron Price the Witch: I'm staring a Sharpe-fucking collection!



Andrew: The least-rare collection in the world.
Cameron Price the Witch: Yeahhh.



Andrew: Man. Remember when I replaced you with that bitch, who fucked good, but then she tried to let you out of the bathroom and you ate her brains?



Cameron Price the Witch: I don't remember the fucking part, but yeah.



Andrew: I really liked her. And then William took her from me.
Cameron Price the Witch: For fucking.
Andrew: For fucking. Yes.



Andrew: So IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I find him fucking YOU.
Cameron Price the Witch: Well IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I HEARD YOU FUCKING MY SISTER
Andrew: HEARING ISN'T AS BAD



Cameron Price the Witch: Maybe we should just admit that we've both been terrible to each other.
Andrew: No, I wanna win this!



Andrew: Anyway the date score hasn't dropped, so this conversation's not that bad.



Cameron Price the Witch: Can we talk about how you cheated on me at MNU?
Andrew: Can we talk about how your merry band of dead people dead peopled my entire goddamn family?



Cameron Price the Witch: Sure, we can talk about my accomplishments.



Andrew: We've argued all night, and we're no closer to a solution.
Cameron Price the Witch: What do we need a solution for? We've already had a dissolution.



Cameron Price the Witch: And I number it among those accomplishments I was talking about.



Andrew: You should really try reading when you walk. You can learn all sorts of extremely brief things in a way you'll never be able to retain!



Andrew: I'm temporarily learning the research methodology of a study that won't still be current by the time I try to apply its lessons!



Andrew: And being a tremendous date asshole.



Andrew: So I'll just stick this down my pants.



Cameron Price the Witch: I have missed you, you know.
Andrew: Yes, I'm one of the few people you did miss!



Andrew: I might be the only main character who's never died, in fact.



Cameron Price the Witch: Keep wrecking our date, and who knows?
Andrew: Aw, it's been too long since someone threatened me! It's making me nostalgic for a recent vacation.



Cameron Price the Witch: It's a day for nostalgia. Drink it in.



Andrew: Status report: I'm at "still mad, but would sex" currently.



Andrew: You?
Cameron Price the Witch: Same, but the "would sex" quality, I had that from the start.



Cameron Price the Witch: I'd sex you under pretty much any circumstances.
Andrew: Can I get some circumstantial evidence of that?



Andrew: By which I mean can we fuuuuck?



Cameron Price the Witch: Don't you think we should keep working out our differences?
Andrew: What I'm proposing is quite the workout.



Andrew: And our differences are an integral part of it.



Cameron Price the Witch: I'm still a fugitive, you know.
Andrew: But I want you to know that you're a wanted fugitive.



Cameron Price the Witch: GOOD WORDPLAY
Andrew: GOOD BREAST-BOUNCE



Witch: GOOD BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE



Cameron Price the Witch: Who was that even?
Andrew: That's Witch. She's a witch.



Cameron Price the Witch: It's raining now.
Andrew: That's rain.



Andrew: Rain's a bitch.
Cameron Price the Witch: Me too.



Andrew: Assholes love bitches.



Cameron Price the Witch: And bitches love… jerks.



Cameron Price the Witch: I didn't want to say-
Andrew: Yeah, I know.



Andrew: It would've been gross.



Andrew: Hey baby, wanna be gross with me?



Cameron Price the Witch: I feel like a university student again.
Andrew: So, you're about to betray me, then?



Cameron Price the Witch: I mean, I wouldn't leave a lot of opportunities open, if I were you, but.



Cameron Price the Witch: Go ahead, make a joke about the words "opportunities" and "open."



Andrew: It's no fun when it's telegraphed.



Cameron Price the Witch: We're making a mistake.
Andrew: We're making it together, at least, for a change.



Andrew: Oh! I'm engaged to Vanessa.



Cameron Price the Witch: Of course you are.



Cameron Price the Witch: You're engaging enough for multiple engagements, don't you think?



Andrew: I mean, yes, I think so, but.



Andrew: I was expecting you to be angry?
Cameron Price the Witch: Enh.
Andrew: Or disappointed?
Cameron Price the Witch: It's hard to be angry or disappointed at new things, now, considering all the old things.

"Considering all the old things" is basically my job description.



Andrew: Do you have any ideas for not going back to jail?
Cameron Price the Witch: Yes, my idea was definitely to not do that.



Andrew: I might have an "in" with William, now…
Cameron Price the Witch: Me too-
Andrew: DON'T



Andrew: Don't.



Cameron Price the Witch: You got it, Toyota.



Teleport a fugitive, you're committing treason once.



Teach a fugitive to teleport, and you're committing life-long treason!



So that's pretty cool.



Andrew: OW.
Cameron Price the Witch: Dude. Poor choice of target.



Andrew: I'm old. My eyes are bad.



Cameron Price the Witch: I'm super pumped to get into a car driven by you, post-that statement.



Andrew: We're both living in a post-statements world now, honey.

Next time: back to school.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 18 February 2013.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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