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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 551





If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which oh, fine, we'll work on the main story again.



Elle: Nose to the grindstone, that's us.



Nanette: My grindstone's getting heavy.



Marco: Hey, y'all want to do the accounting spreadsheet, you're welcome to it.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: As the CEO of this enterprise, I'm bearing most of the risk.

The risk of going to jail for creating and maintaining a slavery dungeon.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yes, you're right, I have created local jobs!



Elle: They're entry-level, too! Those are harder to find than a The Frog of Good Tidings these days!



No, you made a typo.



Elle: I FOUND A FROG IN OUR SWAMP MARCO



Nanette: That'll start him a-runnin'.



Nanette: Oops, shouldn't've freed up your action queue!



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Oh, hey! You're giving her the orientation! Good work.



Nanette: Yeah, she's got the lay of the land now.



Elle: It sure FEELS like I just got laid!



Elle: There's a "laying pipe" joke that would fit really well here, but I'm too zombie to make it right now.



Nanette: That's good, 'cuz the Maker couldn't think of it.



Elle: You're letting me out?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I'm making you a project.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: It's been brought to my attention that this is a slavery dungeon.
Nanette: Your attention must be super hard to bring things to.

Yeah, well, first you have to haul your cargo over the mountain of his ego, a feat of Fitzcarralidian Sisypherity.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: What say you and I get to know each other better? Talk about everything we have in common.
Elle: Which would be…?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Oh, you know. Paper delivery. Pits. Zombiism.



Elle: Honestly I'm not too upset about the whole kidnapping angle. I've been a teenage papergirl for decades. That's not meant to be a lifetime position, you know?



Elle: It's a date.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I mean, I'm not dating a fuckin' papergirl zombie.



Elle: Aw, come on. Let me out! I promise I'll come back, and won't at all advise the government to nuke you into the stone age.



Elle: With nukes.



Elle: All the nukes.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Very believable.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: But no, I don't think I want people to see zombies emerging from a hole in the ground. They're awfully touchy about that sort of thing around here, for some reason.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: There's always scary shit coming out of my hole, and they don't like it.



Elle: Imagery!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Right?



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Euuugh. Your face and that gaping black maw are giving me Vietnom War flashbacks.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: It was all my fault. I let the genie out of the bottle.
Elle: Melanie.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yeah.
Elle: Well, I'm sure letting a second zombie papergirl out of the bottle will… work out fine?



Elle: You couldn't've known what was going to happen.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: All the signs were there.
Elle: Yeah, but you were stupid.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I lean on that defense a lot, actually!



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: 'cuz even an idiot occasionally muses on how he got several hundred people killed, from time to time.



Elle: If it's any consolation, I hear there's a new guy trying to top your record.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I wouldn't mind the displacement, to be honest.



Nanette: DISPLACEMENT WOULD BE GOOD YES



Elle: Speaking of. I'd be very appreciative if you'd let me out.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: How appreciative?
Elle: That depends. I can't tell if you have bad breath from down here.



Elle: Pretty damn appreciative, so long as you have good breath.



Elle: Also I would like a toothbrush.



Elle: And non-rotting teeth!



Elle: Alright, time to give it the ol' fifty-fifty.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: How 'bout some of the old in-and-out?



Elle: I GOT THE RIGHT FIFTY



Elle: Still dead, though.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Rome wasn't rebuilt in a day.



Elle: Alright! Ancient young schoolmarm delivery girl! That ought to confuse everybody.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I'm everybody!



Elle: I intend to make you feel that way.



Elle: You know, I like you.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I kidnapped you.
Elle: Yeah, I like that.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That's creepy.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: This isn't the army, you don't need to drill.



Elle: I have a Want to get fit. I also have a desire to stop being a zombie, which will only not end in my disintegration if I have a high Asp score. So.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: You seem plenty █████ to me.

We don't make jokes about that.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: We just did.

Well, don't do it again.

Marco Vendachi the Warlock: How will I even know? You redacted it.



Nanette: FINALLY, someone throws me a bone! Even if it is the ground.



There's a lot of ground to cover, here.



Jade: Why can't I ever visit a lot where it's summer?



Gavin: It could be worse. The seasons could be the same on every lot.

Yeah, I'm working on that, actually.

We have to suffer, so you should too.



Elle: I think I'm done suffering, actually.



Elle: Thank you for keeping an almost-respectable distance.



Elle: It's okay! I showered.



Elle: I still need a few points.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: We're not allowed to make point -> penis jokes anymore.

I haven't said it out loud, but they can sense it.



Elle: Okay, hear me out. I've been a teenager for EVER.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I know that feel.
Elle: I bet that mad scientist lady could age me up proper.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yeah, she totally won't recognize zombie hitler when he walks into her lab.
Elle: Hitler should be capitalized.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I'm only a lower-case hitler.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: My genocides are shorter, and I have a sense of humour!



Elle: You're not any kind of Hitler.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: What am I, then?
Elle: You're one of those cult leaders. Were there any who didn't even realize they were leading a cult? You're one of those, if they exist.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: What if they don't exist?
Elle: Then you're your own, special thing.



Elle: My special thing.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Stockholm Syndrome is supposed to work the other way around.



Nanette: I'll see your Stockholm and raise you GENEVA



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Okay, you've seduced me. But don't cross me!
Elle: I can't cross anything, with my ankles like this.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: How shitty is that uniform texture from where you are?

INCOMPARABLY shitty.



Elle: At least it's got more then ten polygons.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: What are you doing?
Elle: Trying to change me until I like you.



Elle: Maybe I could try being a blank-minded imbecile!



Elle: It'll help me relate.



Elle: …no, apparently, it won't.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: You could just interact with me as you are.
Elle: Eww, gross.



Elle: You, gross.



Elle: Surely some variety of life must be attracted to him.



Elle: …forever hair!

Yep.



Elle: Not sure how long this will last, though.



Elle: Come ON, brain! Get with the PROGRAM.



Elle: Hey hey HEY! Look who's…



Elle: …boring.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I dug a hole in the ground for a zombie treasure chest mine. I'm not fuckin' boring.



Elle: You're not fuckin' at all, if this doesn't work!



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That's a shame, 'cuz I've got an appetite for fuckin' right now.



Elle: Apparently I hate appetites.



Elle: Or maybe it's the buzzcut.

It's probably the buzzcut.



Nothing can go wrong with this plan.

Grugly2013: I'm not sure falling asleep is ever a plan, precisely.



Elle: < Hi! I'm Elle! >
Romeo: < Hello Elle! >
Elle: < I think that joke only works out loud. >



Elle: Ooooh, feel the rot.



Elle: What's that?!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Zombigone. There's no way you have the points to afford it.
Elle: You're so considerate!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yeah, I'm a higher class of kidnapper alright.



Elle: To your health!
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Yours is more important, at the moment.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: You being dead and all.



Elle: Now I'm just all!



Elle: All woman.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: All teenager, actually.



Nanette: I was never a teenager, but it sounds terrible.



Elle: It has its ups and downs.



With stretchskeleton, it can be all UPS!



Elle: Don't talk about UPS to a SimNation postal worker.



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: How you feeling?
Elle: Like a brand-new character!



Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Let me see what you've got in that bag, baby.



Elle: No.



Elle: You want to play big boy games, you need to make me a big girl.
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: That sounds… super creepy.
Elle: I'm like FORTY, alright? You know what's creepy? BEING FORTY IN A TEENAGE BODY.



Elle: Take me out to the science game.



Elle: I've got my Sunday Go to Meeting Clothes all ready and everything!



Elle: Except maybe you couldn't mentioned that it's winter?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: Were you not reading the previous captions?



Elle: You can only do that when the Make lets it slide.



Elle: He lets a lot of things slide.

Most notably, his personal and professional responsibilities!



Sol: Don't I know you?
Marco Vendachi the Warlock: I sure hope not, because the knowledge isn't mutual.



Sol: I knew this recapturing mission was a wild goose chase.

Next time: u mad, science?!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 May 2013.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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