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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter Zero





If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which I know what day it is. Do you?




Here, let me show you somewhere.



This is Birch Valley. It's the last test neighbourhood I made before Pine Valley, what's now called Sharpesvale.

You'll note it's got rather a lot of Sims living in it. That's because I've gathered up all my test Sims and plonked them down, just for shits and giggles.

Because today is a very special day, and I want to spend it with all of you, doing something pointless and stupid.



Do you remember these? They're from the very first chapter of the Chronicles.

Well, you know I'm OCD, so you probably know that these aren't the actual Founders in these pics. I wasn't willing to initialize them until the moment I started playing for real. No, these are the placeholders. They don't even have the same personalities as the Sims they represent.



I wonder what those placeholders are up to, right now?



What's say you and I drive past the Gateway arch and take a look?

And I do mean you and I.



Imagine all the possibilities I'm about to squander.



All those opportunities for embarrassing myself.



Yeah, I'm talking about you, you round-necked shithead.



Welcome to a bed of your own making.



Grugly: What are we doing here.

It's an anniversary thing.

Grugly: YOU'RE an anniversary thing.



It's only fair you try one of these sparsely-furnished cookie-cutter houses for yourself.



Grugly: Oh, hey, it's the me channel.



Grugly: I hate it.



Grugly: ...I hate me?



Grugly: I sure hope I hate everyone else more.



I think that's a safe bet.



Grugly: Hahaha yeah, fuck other people.



Grugly: They're sure not going to fuck themselves.



Grugly: I should start a journal.

Nothing good ever came from that idea.



Grugly: I'll fill it with sex and violence.

It'll never catch on.



Grugly: We'll need a protagonist.

Let me know when you think of one.





This is, what, the millionth time I've made this exact same character?



Stephen Murphy: The millionth-minus-oneth, actually.



Stephen: I'm the prototype!
Grugly: He's the contotype.



Stephen: Yeah! Sure! That.



Derek Vijayakar: I feel like I'm approaching a continuity nod.



Derek: And I hate it.



Stephen: This isn't Pine Valley. We can do different things.

You might as well, 'cuz you're not gonna get to do many things.



Grugly: Don't look! I just wrote your death scene.



Derek: Hey there, mister! I'm Derek Vijayakar. What's your name?
Stephen: Not-Tipping-The-Paperboy. It's Caucasian.



Stephen: Did we do it? Did we land the reference?



Stephen: Ah, the great outdoors.



Stephen: Sucks.



Stephen: Hey, boss, mind if I pretend to read this paper while I actually spy on you?
Grugly: I all kinds of mind that!



Stephen: Can I hump your couch instead, then?



Derek: Was this my entire appearance?

'fraid so.

Derek: Good.



Grugly: I feel like we're really bonding.



Grugly: I made the world, you know.

Don't hold that against him.



Grugly: I made you! I made you to be a cool protagonist. Man, I was a sorry excuse for a Maker back then.



Stephen: I'm not who you think I am. I'm just a hollow vessel.
Grugly: Yeah, I feel that way in the mornings, too.



I really don't think I'd be taking too much credit for creating this world.



Grugly: I didn't create the townies. Algorithms did that. I did create these sandwiches.



Stephen: I am going to go create a poo.



Stephen: The poo has been created.



Stephen: What else can I break?



Stephen: Everything!



Stephen: I hope it rains, later.



So, is it everything you wanted, and more?

Grugly:I just had to stuff Stephen into a trash can.



Grugly: So, yes!



Stephen: OW! I just punched my sandwich.



I thought you threw him out?

Grugly: But then who'd fight my sandwiches for me?

That's a fair point.



Here come two more!



Bradley Price: Who's the fox?

The fox comes later.



Bradley: Hot chicks in every direction!
Grugly: Is my long hair throwing you off?



Victoria Bennett: This thing is filthy.



Abigail Young: What am I walking into?

Your brief opportunity to live.



Bradley: I'm the slacker! I think.
Grugly: Therefore you are!



Grugly: I always disliked you.



Victoria: Doorman! Front and centre!



Victoria: Your tip's getting smaller by the second!



Bradley: Joke's on her. My tip's flat as a pancake.



Grugly: Hi! I'm your god.
Abigail: You look less like me than I would've expected.



Abigail: I mean, I was expecting you to be dumber, but I thought you might at least be better-looking.



Victoria: Better looking at the DOOR



Victoria: Okay, I guess that was kinda ironic.



Stephen: Hi! Have we barely met in a past life?



Victoria: I think you mean "a future wife." I MEAN "A FUTURE LIFE"!



Abigail: Are you examining my skintone for JPEG artifacts?
Grugly: Let's go with that.



Abigail: Hey, wait! If you're god, can you make a block so heavy that you can't lift it?! Enquiring minds want to know.



Stephen: She's perfect.
Bradley: Picking out a sexy secretary?



Abigail: So, I take it in my soft little hands…
Grugly: Yes?!



Grugly: Well, I'm sold.



Abigail: As an aspiring scientist, I've always wanted to blow the mind of god.



Grugly: Or just blow god. Yes, I see.



Stephen: Shit's getting weird out there.
Victoria: Better weird than beard.



Bradley: You're so ugly, I'm gonna have to throw up in his mouth.



BONK



So, you weren't an albino at this stage.

Victoria: And yet I'm still white.

So there really weren't any black Founders.



2010!

Grugly2010: I DIDN'T KNOW MANY BLACK PEOPLE



Abigail: I don't know many god people, but that's not stopping my imagination right now!



Grugly: MY SIMS THINK I'M HOT

Nobody's ever going to believe that this wasn't the point of the entire exercise.



Grugly: I'm down for points and exercise!



Abigail: Looking for seams in the outfit texture?
Grugly: I am looking at your breasts.

I guess all these characters might as well not act like their namesakes.



Grugly: I'm a version of you that isn't trash with the ladies!

Such a version has only been postulated in extreme cases of multiple universe theory.



Abigail: We're proving all kinds of science shit today!



Grugly: What're you doing?
Abigail: Basking.
Grugly: You a seal, or something?



Grugly: ARF!
Abigail: ARF!



Grugly: Hey baby, wanna swim with my fishes?



Abigail: That doesn't sound like sex. That sounds like death.



Grugly: Well, this whole universe is my symphony of sex and death.

It's actually a romance of death and cynicism. You're thinking of the book series.

Grugly: Nobody has ever thought of the book series.



Abigail: I might, if you were in it.



Grugly: What if I were in you?
Abigail: Then I'd definitely think about you.



…I don't know what I expected from this.



Grugly: Honestly, you should've known.

If knowing's half the battle, I'm a pacifist.



Abigail: Then you'll have no way to resist the violence I'm about to inflict upon your body.



Grugly: It's a bold move.

What?

Grugly: Doing makerservice instead of fanservice on your anniversary.

Meh.

This has always been about me.



BONK



Victoria: You're so ugly, it broke my nose!



Stephen: Rub it in, why don't you.
Victoria: Sure, if he'll let me!



Victoria: Oh, did you mean…



Victoria: Well, uh, you're very handsome too.
Stephen: That's still Grugly's face.
Victoria: Work with me here.



Victoria: There! Happy now?
Stephen: Thrilled. Can't you tell?



Abigail: So, we're testing the physics engine now?



Stephen: Hey baby, wanna test my physics engine?



Stephen: And have sex with me?



Stephen: You and I were made for each other!

You were made for that woman outside.

Stephen: She can't even catch a baseball, fuck that.



Stephen: Only don't fuck that, fuck this!



Stephen: You are this.



Abigail: I think the physics engine's broken.



Victoria: You're dumb. But I like you.



Victoria: In spite of how dumb you are?



Victoria: No! BECAUSE of how dumb you are!



Stephen: You're not reacting positively out of pity, are you?
Victoria: Take what you can get, fuzzy.



Stephen: You think I'm fuzzy?
Victoria: Especially in the brain.



Victoria: Is this really my soul mate?

I didn't actually make you one.



Grugly: I spent a long time working on you. You were basically my coolest Sim, at the time.
Abigail: Okay, "at the time" isn't as complimentary as you seem to think it is.



Grugly: No, you're super great! Very… uh… unique…



Abigail: What triggered that dramatic trail-off?



Abigail: ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha, jack my style? ♪



Abigail Baxter: Hi! I'm a later model.
Grugly: You do look like a model!
Abigail: She looks EXACTLY THE SAME AS ME! And WORSE.



Grugly: I'm gonna call you Baxter, so this doesn't get confusing.
Baxter: Oh, I doubt it'll last long enough to get confusing.



Baxter: Why are you even doing this? Hanging out with the placeholders. They're not the real characters!
Grugly: This was the only idea I had.



Baxter: You should've asked us. There's seven Abigails in this neighbourhood, and that's about fourteen times your brain power.



Grugly: Except you only know what I know.
Baxter: I choose to believe you're channelling a higher power when you write our dialogue.



Stephen: I don't mean your dress would look better on his floor. I mean my floor.



Victoria: So, the "higher power" is just horniness, huh.



Baxter: Ditch these losers and get the real Sims in here.
Grugly: You're not real, either. You're just a test Sim.
Baxter: So, test me! I'm ready to tryout for the main cast any time!



Baxter: I am willing to schmooze, as necessary.
Grugly: That's very practical of you.
Baxter: Even though you're hairy and gross.
Grugly: …that's very practical of you.



Baxter: You have no idea how practical I can be.



Grugly: How do you choose between two identical women?

I've never had to choose between any women, my man.



Baxter: Your boyfriend's here.
Abigail: I sincerely hope you're referring to the trash bag.



Baxter: They're both trash bags.



Grugly: Oh, you're doing the creepy stare thing? The creepy stare thing is hot.



Victoria: Is it, though?



Baxter: Nothing is hot.



Baxter: There should be a movie about how gross you are.



Baxter: Wanna star as yourself in a movie about how gross you are?
Bradley: I thought that's what this was.



Baxter: I'm not ready for my close-up.



Victoria: I'm ready to get close up to UH Stephen! Yeah, Stephen.
Stephen: Good catch.



Stephen: Speaking of catching.



Victoria: Hahaha wow you're unattractive.



Stephen: Why are you making her say stuff like that?

Because of the stuff I'm making you say.



Stephen: Dude plays the game a certain way and then immediately subverts his own intentions with the dialogue!
Victoria: He also forgets to put the walls up, sometimes.

It wouldn't be an anniversary special without my old pall Walls Down.



Grugly: I've got nothing to do with any of this, and yet I feel personally attacked.



This whole place is a monument to how cool we're not.



Baxter: You've got a lot of pep in your step!



Abigail: Thank you for not calling me a dope on a rope.



Abigail: I mean, I guess I can see why you wouldn't want to insult yourself, but.



Abigail: So yeah, I could just gobble up a dick right now.

None of these Abigails are right.



Stephen: You would not believe the funny joke she just told me!
Grugly: Repeat it?
Stephen: I can't, the Maker can't think of one.



Stephen: And the chapter's only halfway done, so that's not a good sign.



Grugly: I was planning to get through it with at least one montage.



Stephen: Do you think we have a future together?
Victoria: I don't think we have a future period.



Stephen: Might as well snog, then.



Victoria: Actually, wait. I might get a better offer.





Victoria: Yeah, probably not.



That didn't count as a montage.

It was only one pic.



Kissing montage! Barely.



Stephen: Beardpaper!



Grugly: ████ on my ████ like a ███.



Abigail: Been reading a lot of SCP, huh?

More like writing.



Victoria: So that's why you haven't updated this story in months.

Yeah, it wasn't that ninety-nine percent of my readers never comment, or anything.



Baxter: I wonder what later-me ever saw in that dude.
Walls Down: Yeah, I dunno.



Baxter: Got yourself an invisible ghost-punching girl, I see!



Baxter: Or rather I don't see. 'cuz they're invisible.



Stephen: I parse bad dancing as insanity.



Victoria: What can I say? I've got the Monday Afternoon Fever.



Stephen: I'm not really Stephen, you know.
Baxter: I don't even know who I am.



Stephen: Who knows? In another life, maybe you and I could-
Baxter: No.



Baxter: Definitely not.



Abigail: Under no circumstances.



Baxter: TEN YEARS WORTH OF NO.



Stephen: All that no's gone to your head, lady.



Baxter: Let me wind you up a little.



Victoria: I'm a Fortune Sim! I'm always wound up.

You're a Family Sim.

Victoria: We're the WORST PLACEHOLDERS EVER



Baxter: Well, we were basically only created for photo montages.



Baxter: Wait, are you montaging us right NOW?!



























No?



Victoria: Ladies and gentlemen, the hottest ass in dresses.



Abigail: Hey baby, wanna undress my ass?



Grugly: Sure you wouldn't rather scope out the competition, first?



Abigail: I should slap you.



Grugly: The day's still young.



Stephen: She's really goin' hard.
Victoria: You'd better not be.



Stephen: Dancing girl in short dress.
Victoria: Classier girl who might let you touch a boob, later.
Stephen: Yeah, you're right, you win.



Baxter: And your prize is EACH OTHER! Booooo.



Stephen: Aw yeah, baby, shake them hips!
Abigail: Shake that babymaker!
Victoria: Ewwww.



Abigail: Oh, look, the idiots are mating.



Abigail: I can't believe I felt threatened by you.
Baxter: THIS IS MY THREAT FACE



Abigail: Do you know how to dance?
Grugly: No, but I can make the face.



Abigail: Can you STOP making the face?
Grugly: The face doesn't work that way.



The face doesn't work at all.



Grugly: Feeling bad for Bradley?
Abigail: Worried he might come in. Does that door have a lock?



Bradley: I've got a lock! On a goose.



Baxter: I don't know those moves.



And you probably never will.



Baxter: It's okay, I'm living vicariously through my double.



Same.



Abigail: Take me with you when you leave.

Oh, he's not leaving.



Grugly: Just call us the Dead-Enders.



Stephen: Welcome to Team Snoggins!
Grugly: 10/10, not at all a terrible name!



Grugly: Fuck Victoria.
Stephen: I am trying.



Victoria: I've given up.



Stephen: That's my kind of lady.



Victoria: The real me would hate me for doing this.



Stephen: As the "this" in question, I still think I'm worth doing.



We've been together since way back when



♪ Sometimes I never wanna see you again ♪



♪ But I want you to know, after all these years ♪



♪ You're still the one I want whisperin' in my ear ♪



♪ You're still the one ♪



♪ I want to talk to in bed ♪



♪ Still the one ♪



♪ That turns my head ♪



♪ We're still havin' fun ♪



♪ And you're still the one ♪



Victoria: Self-indulgent much?



Stephen: I approve.



Abigail: I don't disapprove.



Grugly: That means a lot, coming from a figment of my imagination.



Grugly: Please continue to artificially inflate my artificial ego.



Grugly: While we laugh at these assholes.



Grugly: Actually hey, these assholes, turn your backs so I can laugh at you behind them.



Stephen: Thank you for this chance at life.
Grugly: Thank you for mostly blowing it.



Stephen: You heard the man! Let's blow.



Stephen: Boobtouch.



Victoria: Night, bossmonkey.



Grugly: Thank you for not giving me a sex scene.

I have some class.



Bradley: Wow, what's that like?



Grugly: It's unfulfilling.



Grugly: But I gets my kicks.



♪ I look at your face every day ♪

Grugly: Could use some variety, then.



♪ But I never saw it, 'til I went away ♪



♪ When winter came ♪

Grugly: In my pants.



♪ I just wanted to go ♪

Grugly: In my pants.



♪ Deep in the desert, I longed for the snow ♪

Ember Fox: In my pants!
Grugly: You're not wearing pants!
Ember: I'm not wearing underpants, either.



♪ You're still the one ♪

Ember: ♪ That makes me laugh ♪

♪ Still the one ♪

Grugly: ♪ That's my better half ♪



Ember: ♪ We're still havin' fun ♪



Grugly: ♪ And you're still the one! ♪



Ember: So, how did I get in here?



Grugly: The magic of music! And the magic of not having gotten through all six Founders yet.



Ember: Alright, boy, you taken?
Grugly: Yep.
Ember: Excellent! That's my type.



Ember: Let me show you why this dress is strapless.



Grugly: Why not? I live for today. Literally.



Abigail: What're the odds he's already cheating on me?

Depends on how good a prequel this is.



Ember: It's NOT a prequel, though! You're CLEARLY the new you!



Ember: Continuity was never your thing, was it.



Grugly: My thing was always my thing.



Ember: What a coincidence! I'm into things myself.



Grugly: Let me get a thing to put into you.



Ember: He sure does look like one.



Ember: And here I thought I was gonna get to give godhead today.



Ember: Whale penises aren't a bad consolation prize.



Ember: Stop checking out my ass.
Grugly: What good is my assbrary card, then?



Neil Sharpe: If there's an assbrary, just call me the assbrarian.



Neil: I like it a whole lot better than "whale penis."



Ember: I like things with "penis" in them, better. Like myself!



Ember: Put your penis thing in my self.



Ember: Give me your selfie-stick.
Neil: I can't compete with this.



Grugly: I'm not even gonna try.

That's been our approach for an entire decade, alright!



Victoria: Speaking of approaches.



Victoria: Be very quiet. I'm hunting fireflies.



Abigail: Hey, you're break-leg-dancing too?!



Abigail: Happy Walk Like a Fucking Clown Day!



Abigail: UNBAGGING VIDEO!



Ember: This isn't a video.
Abigail: Yeah, well, that wasn't really in the bag, either.



Ember: Hello, the bag.



Victoria: What crawled up your firecrotch and died?



Ember: I dunno if you wanna be invoking death right now.



Victoria: It's the only thing that gives meaning to life!



I might have suggested sex, instead.



Neil: Yeah, 'cuz it looks like she's getting fucked either way.



Victoria: Little help?
Neil: Least possible.



Neil: Boys don't don armour for chicks who aren't charmers.



Victoria: Upskirt shot!
Neil: I'm more of a downskirt man, myself.



Victoria: …if I die, won't that create a time paradox?

You're clearly not the real Victoria.

Victoria: How can you be sure?

Because you've already had more lines than the real Victoria had.



Victoria: I can't spend my last few precious seconds of life arguing with that logic.



We don't need Grimmy at the anniversary party.

He's always here in spirit.



Victoria: Well gee, I really appreciate that.



Consider your continued existence my anniversary present to you.

Victoria: Continued for how long?

Anyway, goodnight.



Victoria: Cliffhangers don't make for an engaging narrative.



♪ You, are, still the one that makes me shout ♪



♪ Still the one that I dream about ♪



♪ We're still having fun ♪



♪ And you're still the one ♪

Grugly: Aw, what, STILL?



Grugly: The worst thing about falling asleep is falling awake.

You know, I agree with me on that.



Grugly: What's there even still to do? Call a wrap so I can take a crap.



More like call a slap slap slap.

Grugly: What?



Slap slap slap.

Grugly: Ohhhh. Right.



Grugly: Happy Tenth Anniversary, to you and your genitals.



Neil: Happy doesn't begin to cover it, my dude.



Grugly: I wish something would cover it.



Neil: Kick them chunky feet up for me, sweetheart!



Ember: Splooge my man-tube, dork-haver!



Nick: I love your sweet nothings.



Is there a more appropriate way to end this, than with yet another toilet shot?

I don't think there is.



Except perhaps a wide open shot of the unrealized past, as we move into the unrealized future!

Next time: well, uh, more! Not more of this, but definitely more.

Never count me out, even when I seem to have counted myself out.

I've got too much invested in you fuckers, fictional or non-fictional.

On that note, since it's been TEN YEARS TO THE DAY since this story started, I thought I might as well update that group shot. Ten more lusty losers.


(Click for full-size version)


Here's to the next ten.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 10 October 2020 to 11 October 2020.

Tags: ea games, eaxis, legacy challenge, maxis, prosperity, sharpesvale chronicles, simblr, sims, sims 2
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