Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
Previous Entries: C.1., C.2, C.3, C.4, C.5, C.6, C.7, C.8, C.9, C.10, C.11, C.12, C.13, C.14, C.15, C.16, C.17, C.18, C.19, C.20, C.21, C.22, C.23, C.24, C.25.A, C.25.B, C.26, C.27, C.28, C.29, C.30, C.31, C.32, C.33, C.34, C.35, C.36, C.37, C.38, C.39, C.40, C.41, C.42, C.43, C.44, C.45, C.46, C.47, C.48, C.49, C.50, C.51, C.52, C.53, C.54, C.55, C.56, C.57, C.58, C.59, C.60, C.61, C.62, C.63, C.64, C.65, C.66, C.67, C.68, C.69, C.70, C.71, C.72, C.73, C.74, C.75, C.76, C.77, C.78, C.79, C.80, C.81, C.82, C.83, C.84, C.85, C.86, C.87, C.88, C.90, C.89, C.91, C.92, C.93, C.94, C.95, C.95, C.96
Interludes: I.1, I.2, I.3
Less prostitutes, more flies.
How often can you say that?
Deirdre: I think this guy is dead.
Deirdre: I think he's not the only one.
Deirdre: I think that guy is dead, too.
Deirdre: This concludes your campus tour.
Abigail: Sure is dead around here.
Abigail: The perfect occasion for an abortion stirfry!
Abigail: My favourite part is the yellow bit that feeds the embryo.
Chas: .oO(I have no idea how to get to Elm Street, mister, but that's a lovely striped sweater you're wearing.)
Celeste: How many times have I told you, Chas, don't talk to serial killers in your dreams!
Kea: Chas hasn't moved in like a week.
Abigail: Oh no! You know what?! He might be an undergrad!
Sid: She's kind of a bitch, eh?
Kea: I'm glad you think so too.
Sid: Hello? Ira? I'm talking to you! I said, Kea is kind of a bitch, eh?
Sid: What, you thought I was taking your side? You're not even real.
Kea: How about I introduce my heel to your dick and then we'll talk about what's real.
Abigail: Is someone threatening your dick, Sid? Because that's my job.
Abigail: On that note, wanna go on a date?
Sid: On that note, it sounds dangerous to refuse!
Sid: So hey, where we going?
Abigail: I'm going to go talk to some people on the phone.
Sid: So... thanks for the date, it was fun?
Abigail: I'm a speed-speed-dater. I thought you knew.
Abigail: It's awesome. I swear I can actually hear his emotions crunch as I stomp on them.
Sid: I think that's my self-respect, actually. My emotions just go squish.
Abigail: Alright, you ready to go?
Sid: Don't got time for bitches, gotta finish my Feminist Studies homework.
Abigail: What's more important, school or that horrible thing that happens to you later?
Sid: You've got a point! Wait, what horrible thing that happens to me later?
Abigail: No idea. I don't write the script, I just recite it.
Sid: I think I love you, Abigail. Either that or my penis is inflating for no reason.
Abigail: Hey, either way!
Sid: I haven't felt this good since I stole my sister's panties!
Kana: God, that's even appalling way the fuck back here.
Abigail: Stick with me, kid, and you'll go places! Maybe not great places, since my first husband ended up in a garbage can, but... places, anyway.
Sid: That sounded ominous, but I wasn't really paying attention, so... cool!
Abigail: You're an undergrad. If you tried to pay attention, they'd refund it.
Abigail: Okay, let's get going before the corpses block the door.
Hey, you just-
Abigail: -don't want to think about it, that's correct.
Wow! When's the last time you came here?!
Well, don't pop the question until you check out your alternatives.
Clay: I'm roguish.
This guy's roguish!
Abigail: Yeah, but this one's a pushover.
Sid: Hey, you do what works for you.
Hi Arcadia! I forgot what you looked like with hair. And skin.
Arcadia: See, this is one reason I don't usually talk to time-travellers.
Clay: Hey lady. That dress looks great on you. Know where it would look better?
Abigail: On your floor, yeah. Heard that one.
Clay: Pff. Yeah right. More like, on the sidewalk. If I could hold myself back long enough to get you to my place, I guess I'd be gay.
Abigail: Just so you know, Sid, this date just became a competition.
Abigail: And you're already losing.
Sid: Yep. Sounds about right.
Could be worse.
Clay: I just want you to know, no hard feelings.
Sid: I think that's my line.
Clay: Nah, I think we all know that you've got no "hard feelings." That's one of the reasons she'll like me better.
Abigail: Oh, you've heard about me?
Abigail: Maybe you've also heard about this.
Sid: Hey, cool costume! Can I touch it?
Sharlene: OH SHIT I'M PHOTOBOMBING
Abigail: Stay over there and don't move, Sid.
Sid: I don't care if that blonde dude is way cooler than I am, I won't let you distance yourself from me! Nothing can tear us apart!
Sid: ...not even giant... black... flies...
Angel: How's this for instant karma, science bitch?!
Sid: IT'S UPSETTING AND CONFUSING
Sid: AND I DON'T THINK I LIKE IT
Abigail: Why do I always fall in love with lemmings?!
The Grim Reaper: BECAUSE SOMEONE UP THERE LIKES MAKING YOU WATCH THEM JUMP.
It keeps me entertained.
Abigail: I'd just gotten him potty trained, too!
Sharlene: Harsh girl! Did he stick you with the bill or something? AHAHAHAHA.
Shea: Absolutely! We can take a party of any size! Right now there's this mad scientist murdering people with a ray gun, so if we can't seat you all, she can take care of it.
Bill: Man, that's a shitty way to end a date! The other prostitute just makes you bring her flowers.
Abigail: I bet this is the first accidental death in the county.
Abigail: And also THIS PLACE HAS NO FUNCTIONING GARBAGE DISPOSALS.
Meh, leave him on the ground then. It's not like he's going anywhere.
Thanks to you.
Berjes: Yeah, you totally just killed that dude.
Abigail: I prefer to look on the bright side!
Clay: Your boyfriend exploding into flies doesn't seem to have cast much of a cloud over your day.
Abigail: I've been alive since this neighbourhood was created. I've seen things that make fly explosions look like something good.
Clay: Like "something good"?
Abigail: I've also been here long enough that I've forgotten what sorts of good things are usually supposed to happen to people.
Clay: How about being a hot single chick and meeting a hot single dude?
Abigail: That sounds okay, but I'd have to try it first.
Abigail: Hopefully soon, because I'm already bored.
Sid: I think I'm okay! I think we can order now.
Abigail: Sorry hon, I already got something. And I want to try it while it's still hot.
Sid: You can leave now, frat dude! My girlfriend and I are going to share this hot food she says she has.
Clay: I don't do threesomes.
Angel: What about foursomes?
Clay: I was counting the four of us as a threesome, and that's being generous. Ghosts barely count for half a person.
Clay: Anyway, I forgot to introduce myself! I'm Clay. I pretend to be a talent agent, and I have sex with beautiful women on my casting couch because they think I can get them jobs.
Abigail: So, you're a criminal.
Clay: Only in real life. On the internet, I'm just rich.
Abigail: Whatever. Wanna get something to eat? I already reserved a table, because I was gonna propose to that loser you're standing in.
Clay: Sounds like a plan! I'll scrape a bit of him off my shoe and put it on the table so he doesn't feel left out.
Abigail: I should warn you that I am concentrated awesome, and that when you concentrate awesome so utterly as it is concentrated in me it tends to have nasty side effects for the less-awesome people who breathe it in.
Abigail: As a consolation, though, I'm nearly ninety years old and I know things about sex you've never dreamed of.
Clay: Oh, I dunno about that. You should talk to my psychiatrist.
Abigail: Allow me to introduce you to... the Tickle Sutra!
Clay: AHAHA that's so lame and adorable.
Abigail: Young, party for two?
Clay: How come the reservation was in your name?
Abigail: Multiple choice, I guess. A) I'm way more significant than Sid was, B) Sid had no money, C) Going out was my idea, and, perhaps most importantly, D) Women are people these days.
Clay: Yeah, that last one gets in my way constantly.
Amar: I've been waiting for an hour now. Where's my souffle?
Berjes: No shirt, no significance, no souffle.
Bill: Hey hey! All the other restaurants called. They want their all the employees back.
Clay: Hey hey, I'm digging the pony tail!! Here's my number, call if you want it pulled.
Abigail: If you call him, I might have to disintegrate you.
Caryl Andrews: No danger of that.
Abigail: Is it so wrong that I find the stalker warlock hot?
Bill: It might be.
Clay: It definitely is.
Rodney: Is it so wrong that I'm having pornographic thoughts about this college chick?
Clay: As long as it's a snuff porno and you're the star, go right ahead.
Bill: I don't think my finger pistols are loaded.
Much like the trash compactor.
Abigail: I'll have a song.
Nikki: Rock, pop, or hip-hop?
Abigail: Rock. And can I get it with explicit lyrics?
Nikki: I'll need to see some I.D.
What? She played along with your terrible joke, didn't she?
Abigail: Yes. So now I hate both of us.
Abigail: So yeah, I'm pretty famous. I saved the world a bit. You might have seen me on TV.
Clay: Not unless you were on all fours in a cheerleader outfit.
Bill: Can I come over and watch TV with you sometime? Your channels sound really educational.
Abigail: I really don't appreciate all this objectification of women. Some of us are immortal, hyperintelligent mad scientists, you know.
Clay: That's so hot! Can you say it through a gimp mask?
Rodney: YOU KNOW.
It's art, you wouldn't understand.
I sure as fuck don't.
Clay: This isn't working.
Abigail: That's because you're eating it like it's shrimp ramen. And it's not even shrimp. It's lobster.
Clay: This foreign food is bullshit.
Abigail: Hi everyone, this is my son Clay. He's only fourteen, so don't let looks fool you! He's just dumb for his age.
Rodney: I'd laugh, but seriously, look at my face. Nothing is funny when you look like this.
Clay: That garbage smells like garbage!
Abigail: Wow! Yes! Very good! Now, what does the cow say?
I'm guessing it says "clean your fucking restaurant up, oh my god."
Oh my GOD.
Abigail: I'd like to summon a taxi for two, please.
Operator: All our taxis have infinite capacity.
Abigail: I don't think I want that. It sounds improbable.
Bill: Can I hit on your date?
Clay: Only if you don't value your life.
Bill: He said yes.
Nikki: I'm sorry sir, what was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of the most vile thing I've ever heard.
Shea: Can I call you right back, ma'am? I think an angel just propositioned me.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: In my day, propositioning an angel was a fire and brimstone offence.
Ha! I always thought you looked like a pillar of salt! Now I know why.
Coming soon: nightclubs at night. It's a radical departure.
Lydia: Sure is concrete around here.
That explains why this update is sinking so fast.
Lydia: Holy shit, is that a main character?!
You want her autograph or something?
Lydia: No, I want to get out of here! People die when main characters show up.
Clay: At least I'll die happy.
Abigail: Nah. If you're happy, you're probably safe. He likes to make you suffer first.
Clay: That dude's hair is making me suffer a little.
Abigail: That's nothing. I'm dancing with a dude who smells like Axe.
Clay: And I'm dancing with a woman who smells like her boyfriend's ashes.
Abigail: Right? This is what I'm saying, you've got it too good right now.
Melanie: ZOMBIES AND AXES AND HATRED NOW
I DON'T SEE YOU HELPING
Melanie: I did my part.
Daisy: But you were weak on the follow-through. Don't worry, I'll pick up the slack.
Melanie: Who are you again?
Daisy: Somebody with your husband's phone number, for one thing.
William: Abigail! How could you?!
Abigail: Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me the world doesn't need a genetically-engineered hippopotamus that eats nuclear waste and defecates potable water?
William: That's not what I... I... never mind, tell me more?
You don't look too guilty.
Abigail: Considering that I didn't cheat on him, since we're not in a relationship, no. Not really.
Yeah, but... the game thinks you did.
SO STOP BEING SELF AWARE AND GO BACK TO OBEYING YOUR PROGRAMMING
William: Heyyyyyy! Wait a minute! She isn't my girlfriend!
I'm glad you came to terms with that. Like ten years later.
William: No, but why isn't she my girlfriend?
Because you cheated on her with your current wife's mother.
William: No wonder I forgot that, I'm incapable of remembering the stupid shit I do.
That would explain a lot.
William: A lot, but not everything.
William: Oh, never mind. I forgot how badass awesome she is.
She did murder your parents.
William: Nobody gets along with their in-laws.
WEDNESDAY: Oh, Subject: William! You are a fascinating subject.
Melanie: I seem to have misplaced some of my awesome.
Maybe it's with the rest of your awesome.
Abigail: Zombie Queen my ass.
Melanie: SAY THAT AGAIN AND I WILL
William: That fat chick is so sexy I could barf.
It's your originality I like best.
Joe: Hey baby, I'm a doctor.
Lora: A doctor of love? Tee hee!
Joe: No, a doctor of plastic surgery. I was wondering if you wanted a new face. And anyway, I was talking to your baby, bitch.
Clay: This isn't working anymore.
Abigail: I think it's going to end soon.
Clay: That's not good enough.
Abigail: Welcome to Pine Valley.
You're in Centreborough.
Abigail: Welcome to Infuriating Obtuseness.
Pfft. I've been here forever.
With that face, you probably think animal crackers are hot.
Clay: We going back to your place already?
Clay: Where, then?
Abigail: The best possible place.
Abigail: Out of this chapter.
I was in a rush, okay?
Next time: the other half of this.
I WAS IN A RUSH, OKAY?