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The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 135


Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


Previous Updates
Pine Valley:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25A, 25B, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100.
Clover County: 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118 119, 120. 121, 122, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135.
Interludes: 1, 2, 3. April Fools' Day: 2014, 2014 Comparison, 2015.
Recaps: 1.

I have to pee.

We're friends, so I can tell you these things.




Cameron: What the fuck?

Hard reload. You've all been yanked out of school and work.

Cameron: Well, set it back to eight so the bus and carpool will come.

That would be cheating.



Cameron: This entire story is about cheating!

Just drive them yourself, Jacques.



In this new car I bought you for some reason.

LOOK OUT AMIN THE PORCH FLOOR DISAPPEARED



Cameron: I'll do anything once for a new car.



Well, I'll give you another one if you back up suddenly right now.



Angelica: Good thing mom loves us.
Nathaniel: It's one of her more useful flaws.



Whatever you saw, I don't care.



You know what, I'm gonna set it back to eight after all, since your motives have all been reset.

Cameron: Are you loosening up about using cheats?

I need to. Your kids are so ugly, they'll require cosmetic surgery if I'm gonna keep looking at them.



Andrew: Let's start with the basics. Bears don't wear overalls! If you see a bear wearing overalls, run like hell.



Andrew: Okay. Now. If you see your brother or your sister drinking from a bottle, you tell mommy or daddy right away so we can stop them from doing the things we used to do when we were their age.
Emerson: Bottle.
Andrew: Right.



Andrew: If you see them drinking from a bottle and mommy and daddy aren't around, feed them to a bear.
Emerson: Bear.
Andrew: Right! But not if it's wearing overalls, those fuckers will kill us all.



Amin! Don't drag shit I don't care about into the house!



I AGREE.



Gerald: Bad house! You are a bad, bad house!
Kaylynn Bendett: Hello, crazy man!



Andrew: COME CLOG UP MY LAWN MORE OKAY



No! We've taken care of this already!



Blazej: MWAHAHAHAHA



Cameron: DON'T MAKE ME UNWEDGE THIS SHIT FROM BEHIND THE WHEEL



Chelsea: Hm. I haven't had a bus driver yet...



Cameron: Okay, fuck it! Get on the bus and he'll let me leave for work.
Angelica: Or, we could stall.
Nathaniel: And stay home entirely.
Angelica: And gossip about stupid shit.



Angelica: I saw grandpa going home with a whore the other day.
Nathaniel: I think that's our new grandma.
Angelica: That's why she looks like a whore!



Angelica: We're staying home from school today. I want to have a really big, leisurely poo.



Nathaniel: I'm going to go play with myself or something.
Chelsea: Attaboy! Start young.



Andrew: We need more air fresheners.



Chelsea: Let me cleanse your palate for you.



Andrew: I'm out of oxygen, the cycling is complete.



Chelsea: It was really nice of you to stick around the other day, when my daughter was kidnapped, and comfort me. Sexually.
Andrew: Yeah, well, I'm always happy to help. In that manner.



Chelsea: Thanks for inviting me to move in with you!



Andrew: What?



Andrew: Yeah, fine.



Chelsea: "Yeah, fine"?!
Andrew: Don't push it, landlords have legislative protection from verbal abuse.



Emerson: THERE ARE NO WORDS



New car!

...where the old car is supposed to go.

Did I just delete Cameron?



Cameron: No, you just jump-bugged me back home from work.
Nathaniel: Yeah, and thanks for that, eh.



Nathaniel: I was having fun playing with my King of Queens playset.



Andrew: You gonna stand like that all day?
Chelsea: I'm still a bit angry that my baby was stolen, you know?



Andrew: We could make a new one?







I built an addition on the back for Chelsea. It's like a bachelorette pad.



You will never again understand the layout of this house. Assuming you ever understood it before.



But here's a hint: new shit goes there.



Chelsea: Carry me over the threshold?
Andrew: No can do, honey.



Andrew: I'm not rated for passengers.



Andrew: And my teleportation license is only valid in SimJapan.



Chelsea: Why must you use your powers for evil?
Andrew: Because it's harder to think up ways to use them for good.



Amin: So, whose job should I one-up today?



Angelica: BUT THEN WHERE DOES HEAT



Andrew: I have home access to two vaginas now!



Amin: If I see even one speck of syrup on that table, I'm throwing you both under the bus tomorrow morning. Literally.



Angelica: No, see, mathematically, this muffin is perfect.



Funny how draining can be so fulfilling.



Cameron: And yet still so draining.





Chelsea: I just realized how dull you are.



Angelica: HELP GIANT CAT ATTACK



Angelica: Are you a nice kitty?
Muse: .oO(By cat standards, or moral standards?)



Muse: .oO(Either way, not so much.)



Nathaniel: SHE'S BEHIND MY CHAIR AND MY LIFE IS RUINED



Nathaniel: I'm gonna piss myself and die.



Angelica: Well, go ahead then.



Chelsea: No. No. No. I need a nap.



Muse: .oO(Jesus Christ, what have they been feeding you?!)



Nathaniel: I bet that's what the Holocaust was like.



Cameron: For at least one side, it was more like this.

The bad side.

Cameron: Yes, the bad side, obviously. You're ruining the joke!

And making it clear that I'm not a Nazi.

Cameron: Still not sure it's worth it.



Andrew: Wow! So this is what skin feels like when it's not covered in ocean slime!



Chelsea: You can't fool me. I know you've been dripping your rod in more waters than Cameron's.
Andrew: I have no idea what that metaphor refers to!



Andrew: And suddenly I'm leaving, too.



Andrew: For no specific reason.



Chelsea: Who's gonna vacuum all this up now?!



Chelsea: And is it unhealthy to inhale teleportation dust?



Andrew: It doesn't really matter. Teleportation strains the physical laws of the universe so badly that we'll all be dead in twenty years from quantum decompression.



Amin: But until then, by all means play with your new kitty.



Cameron: Wanna get frisky?
Andrew: Just spent an hour talking to your sister, who's moved into an apartment in the back of the house. Play time's over, gotta do some work.



Cameron: That almost sounded like a divorce proposal.



Andrew: That's not very considerate, after all the value I've added to your children.



Emerson: Yeah, don't be such a bitch.



Angelica: I don't think you're a bitch, mommy.



Cameron: You're grounded for swearing.



Andrew: Right, you get the idea. Your homework is to practice this shit without me.



Amin: How would you like to visit Venus without a pressure suit?



Where the fuck are we?

Chelsea: Andrew's basement lab.

Andrew has a basement lab?!

Chelsea: Gosh, I sure hope so.



Doing a little touch-up?

Chelsea: Something more drastic, I'm afraid.

I didn't know you were a drastic surgeon.



Chelsea: Ugh. You don't deserve me.



Cameron: For the wall!
Andrew: We don't want our Facebook friends seeing this shit!
Cameron: No, I mean, for the real wall! Upstairs! The one nobody walks past.
Andrew: Oh, okay.



This is what a Sim profile pic would look like.



Andrew: If I weren't so ashamed of him.



Aren't you too old to play with blocks?

Angelica: Aren't you too old to play with dolls?

ELECTRONIC DOLLS ARE DIFFERENT



Amin: Yeah. Nobody cares about your electronic dolls.



Andrew: CAM! LOOK! CAM! LOOK!



Andrew: HEY! LISTEN! LOOK!



Cameron: Huh? What? I was daydreaming about shitting.



Chelsea: Hey there buddy.
Andrew: Hello random stranger.



Andrew: ...I think your sister just walked past.
Cameron: Well apparently someone invited her to live with us.
Andrew: Yeah, but... I invited the present-day iteration of your sister to live with us. It was your sister from like twenty years ago that just walked past.
Cameron: Oh, good. You used to have sex with that iteration.



Chelsea: I'm sure that had no impact on my decision to revert.



Chelsea: It's me, Muse. It's Chelsea!



Muse: .oO(Of course it's you, stupid. Nobody else smells like that much jizz.)



Chelsea: I think my cat just insulted me.
Andrew: There's a word for that condition.



Amin: "Telepathy."



Andrew: So hey, did I ever tell you about how back when the girls and I were in univ-
Amin: Universes parallel to our own, but different in key respects? Wow, me too! Every day! Because I'm a SPACE PIRATE. Now shut the fuck up about your boring college shit.



Angelica: What made you change your face, Aunt Chelsea?
Chelsea: The Maker did a shit job of fixing it and made me look like someone completely different.
Angelica: But weren't you a piece of shit when you were younger? What's wrong with not looking like a piece of shit?



Chelsea: Maybe the men I'm interested in have a piece of shit fetish.



Amin: Present!



That's pretty cool! Now levitate your lower body too.



Andrew: I'm off to work. You girls play nice! But not nice enough to reveal dark secrets about my illicit conduct with each other.



Cameron: I taught a kid how to shit in a pot today.
Amin: Why are you trying to ruin my appetite?
Cameron: So you stop ruining our wallpaper. Slow the fuck down.



Muse: .oO(Important details are being neglected.)



Amin: So, what's up with the ice queen? She gay or something?
Chelsea: I'm just not attracted to Wookies.



Amin: Yeah? Well, this is Kashyykian for "suck it."



Muse: .oO(This is what I think about your Star Wars reference.)



Cameron: Where you going?
Chelsea: None of your business.
Cameron: Really? Me too.



Chelsea: Fine. I'm going to get some new clothes.
Cameron: I figured. I want to make sure they're not attractive ones.



Chelsea: I should just borrow your clothes, then.



Amin: You misrepresented this last time. Please point out that I'm actually throwing food to the cat.

You really want me to admit that you're throwing scraps of lobster thermidor to a cat? You know what I think about that?



Muse: HACCCKK

Exactly.



Chelsea: There, happy? They won't have anything nice at the fucking general store.



Cameron: I got my clothes at the general store.



Chelsea: I rest my case.



Cameron: Move it, townie. Playables in the house.



Kitty: Hey, fuck you! I'm a playable!

With those eyes? Pff.



Chelsea: This place is a dump. I bet that stupid cop who yelled at me shops here.
Cameron: She doesn't shop. She's an NPC.
Kitty: Are you sure? You seem to have a lot of trouble distinguishing those.



Cameron: Get out of the way or I'll sic Poseidon on you.



Cameron: It's amazing how many people have heard of Poseidon.



Chelsea: Hey, look! It's a one-shot character!
Brady: Sometimes I get a throwaway line.



Barenaked Ladies Guy?: Wow! Who's that sexy lady?



I dunno. Where were you looking?



BLG?: Yeah, never mind.
Cameron: Wait! Wait! I never clean my ears!



Cameron: Why didn't that work?



Cameron: Hey! HELLO! Conversation-starved desperate housewife here!



Jack: You must be desperate if you're talking to me.
Cameron: Ooh! Do you have low self-esteem?! I've always wanted to exploit me some of that.



Cameron: And maybe some of that, too.



Jack: Sorry lady, I have to go... clean my bomb-making kit.
Cameron: It took you a whole ellipsis to make up that excuse?



Chelsea: Hey, did that sound like a hurricane brewing outside to you?



Chelsea: Man, it really is all about who you know these days.



Cameron: Come on, sit down and talk with me a bit.
Jack: On the sidewalk.
Cameron: We can pretend it's part of the Occupy Movement!



Jack: I think you usually do that kind of thing during business hours.



Jack: Anyway, I'm sure a lovely lady like yourself has more interesting things to do tonight than talk to me.
Stephen: If she wasn't married to my son, I could think of several dozen.



Cameron: It's really no problem! My husband is off being a mad scientist somewhere.



Jack: Yep, definitely gotta go polish up that bomb kit.



Chelsea: Come on big-nose, I want to get home in time for Scrubs.

Or whatever shit was on TV in 2011.



Okay, um, how come you're back inside?

Chelsea: Because I saw something I want inside me.



Chelsea: How's mom doing?
Stephen: Your mother's fine.
Chelsea: Cool. Let's have sex some time!



Stephen: Could we do several times?



Chelsea: How about one really long time instead?



Stephen: I dunno how long I could manage, honestly.



Stephen: This looks like more of a burst situation.



Kenya: Hi Mrs. Murphy!
Cameron: Mrs. Price-Murphy.
Kenya: No, I'm Mrs. Lawson.



Cameron: What were you doing back there?
Chelsea: Telling Stephen that flower-sniffing cures blue balls.



Chelsea: But only driveway flowers.



Those characters on the license plate are the Simlish equivalents of a "G" and an "S," I believe.





Amin: WHAT.



Hey! You got new clothes!

Cameron: You thought I was holding Chelsea's clothes? She's so filthy, I wouldn't even touch something she plans to wear.



So this is how you would've looked if I'd corrected your genetics subtly instead of giving you a new face entirely.

I liked the new face better, honestly.

Chelsea: It was a good famous artist face. But this is a better two-timing husband-stealer face.



You're not Sullivan-terrifying, Kent, but you sure do have your moments.



Cameron: Please stop lurking around our house.



Kent: I offer a very comprehensive skulking service.



I have no caption for this. I just wanted to show off what a lovely angle it offers.

Cameron: On what.

Shh.



Cameron: Hi! It's Cameron Price-Murphy. Yeah! You too. Hey, listen, I'm the chief servant of a classical-age Greek deity. I was wondering if the SCIA needed any supernatural help with anything.



Cameron: I'm sure you and I could be best friends if we put some effort into it, William.



Let's see those powers, Poseidon! Blow those bubbles off.



I guess he's blowing me off instead.



Cameron: I hear you're quite the ladies man, William! Don't try seducing me, I'm very happily married! Well, I'm married anyway.



Cameron: It's not like my asshole husband invited my fucking whore sister into our house to fucking live with us and corrupt our fucking children or anything.



Cameron: You know what they say: it never rains but she whores.



Hey, whoops! The conversation matched something that's happening again! When was the last time that happened? Chapter Six or something?



Cameron: What do you mean? No, I'm a deep sea diver! What's a muff diver, anyway?



Chelsea: Fuckin' candles all up in this bitch.



Do you always sleep in your Hand of Poseidon uniform?

Cameron: What if Poseidon calls me to action in the middle of the night?

That kind of abuse is why we have unions, Cameron.



Cameron: My profession is kind of old-fashioned.



That's pretty common around here.



Chelsea: This whole setup is like some elaborate porn scenario.

Hahaha! "Like."









Chelsea: You need to text me when you're gonna do that.



Andrew: What if Cameron reads my texts?



Chelsea: Fucking delete them, you moron. This isn't a fucking Hollywood movie.



See, you say that...



Chelsea: Good day at work?
Andrew: It started out okay, but then this one guy started cursing his god and declaring his intention to defeat death itself and chewing up the scenery a whole bunch. It happens every time we show "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein" on movie night.



Andrew: I invented robot boners, though. That was pretty cool.



Chelsea: If you install one on that robot your mom made, please let me know.



Chelsea: That's precisely my kind of weird science.



Andrew: I could show you a thing or two about chemistry, baby. I've got pheremones back in the lab that'd make you have sex with an orchid.



Andrew: Holy hell is that ass ever solid.



Andrew: This should be enough PSI to break diamond!



Chelsea: I love how you think I understand your compliments.



Andrew: I love how you're too dumb to be offended when I call you dumb.



Chelsea: I love how if you call me dumb again I'll tell my sister you're cheating on her.



Andrew: I love adverserial relationships.



Emerson: I love dog food!



Chelsea: I love running gags.



Andrew: I love how they run out of steam.



Chelsea: Yes.



Chelsea: But I love it when they make a comeback, too.



Andrew: More like come back.
Chelsea: That sounded like you spelled that wrong.
Andrew: No, it sounded like you heard it spelled right for the first time in your plebeian life.



Chelsea: If "plebeian" is another word for "dumb" I hope you signed a pre-nup.



Angelica: I'm gonna ask for a housecoat for my birthday.



Nathaniel: You have a housecoat.



Angelica: This one will be for you.



Emerson: Let's play backwards chairlift!





I bet happy marriages eventually get labelled as deviant in this neighbourhood.



Cameron: My marriage is pretty happy.

Your husband didn't sleep in your bed last night.

Cameron: I meant my marriage to my work.



WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.

Cameron: It's the Mark of Poseidon.

You got a TRAMP STAMP from a GREEK GOD?



Cameron: They like tramps more than most gods.



Kent: What did the ape-man make you for breakfast, you ugly little brat?



Angelica: Lobster bisque bran flakes.



Amin: You're looking lovely today, Cameron. Are those new clothes?
Cameron: Thanks! They are! Nobody else has mentioned them!
Nathaniel: Nice clothes. Can I have Angelica's allowance since she's such a bitch and didn't notice?



Chelsea: It's getting pretty near keeping-up-appearances-o'clock, Andrew.



Amin: We're on Daylight Savings Time. It's actually an hour past.



Chelsea: Hey Cameron! I'm pre-recording you this message to say that I'm sleeping with your husband, so that if you find out I can claim I was going to tell you about it.



Chelsea: I'll give her the answering machine password if she catches us.



Kent: I have a practical lesson for your first day of home schooling.



Kent: This is what we call a "loose woman."



Kent: This is her bathtub. What better way to learn about water-borne parasites than by contracting one?



Amin: You know how I told you we need to fire Kent?
Cameron: Yeah?
Amin: We don't need to fire Kent.



Cameron: What made you change your mind? I know it takes a lot of effort for you.



Amin: It's not a major change. We don't need to fire him. We need to fire him out of a cannon.



Cameron: I don't think that's a legitimate form of grievance under our current contract.



Muse: .oO(WHO DID THIS WASN'T ME)



Muse: .oO(HEY. HEY. HEY.)



Muse: .oO(SOMEBODY PEED THE FLOOR.)



Muse: .oO(Deputize me and I'll bring them to justice.)



Muse: .oO(Or stick that bag of garbage up my ass, that'll work too.)



Muse: .oO(Can I have some food now? I think I'm going mad with hunger.)



Amin: A Shaolin monk can go weeks without food.



Amin: Even if they're half-white like David Carradine.



Kent: If you feel a tingling in your privates, that means it's working.



Andrew: OH HI. Don't know why I'm in Chelsea's bathroom. Or who I am. I'm not Andrew.



Kent: Our next lesson is about adultery shaming.



Andrew: No, your next lesson is about anatomy if you don't leave immediately, I need to piss like a racehorse.



Kent: I don't wanna see that, I've become a connoiseur of the human form since I saw two lesbians making out the other day.



WHACK WHACK WHACK

Andrew: Sounds like someone has syphilis lesions in their brain.



Hey, I almost forgot to ask you. Did you enjoy being a lesbian making out the other day?

Cameron: Not really. But that's the kind of shit that happens when you visit someone else's lot as a non-controllable.



Cameron: I'm just lucky that Kent is too senile to realize that it was me he HI ANDREW HOW YOU DOING



Andrew: I MUST HAVE BEEN SLEEPWALKING BECAUSE I WAS IN THE BACK IN MY HOUSECOAT FOR NO REASON.



Andrew: But luckily I found this missing baby so let's call it a positive event and not look into it too deeply.



Cameron: Are you cheating on me?

Next time: more cheating.

GASP.

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Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
foulmouthtom
May. 27th, 2015 04:59 am (UTC)
Awesome bloody episode, I giggled quite severely.
Also -
"It's not like my asshole husband invited my fucking whore sister into our house to fucking live with us and corrupt our fucking children or anything."
A perfectly reasonable Sims line...Otherwise, not so much, lol
gruglysims
May. 27th, 2015 11:11 pm (UTC)
Good, 'cuz it took forever to write.

Yeah, it's pretty terrible really, isn't it.
bellemistoire
May. 27th, 2015 05:38 am (UTC)
The star under Chelsea's bed looks like it's a portal to another realm or something.
gruglysims
May. 27th, 2015 11:10 pm (UTC)
It is.

A magical realm.
lumy12
Oct. 18th, 2015 08:23 pm (UTC)
Andrew needs to go see The Martian: Matt Damon uses "science" as a verb, as in "science the shit out of this." Ha!

Hehe, love the King of Queens playset :D
gruglysims
Dec. 11th, 2015 08:53 pm (UTC)
Half the people in this neighbourhood die before that movie comes out.

I'm glad someone does.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )