Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
Pine Valley: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25A, 25B, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100.
Clover County: 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118 119, 120. 121, 122, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143, 144, 145, 146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 152, 153, 154, 155, 156.
Interludes: 1, 2, 3. April Fools' Day: 2014, 2014 Comparison, 2015.
And now for something completely classless.
William: Step into my parlour! But first, my kitchen. In fact we don't have a parlour. SAID THE SPIDER TO THE FLY.
Cameron: You're no spider. In fact, you're pretty fly. For an albino guy.
William: I swore an oath to disrobe the first woman to call me an albino, and nobody's gonna say William Sharpe goes back on his word!
Cameron: It's okay, I won't tell.
William: I'm really committed to that oath, though. Especially right now.
Cameron: I thought you called me over to discuss our partnership.
William: I did! Our partnership. Did you have something other than innuendo in mind there? 'cuz I didn't.
Cameron: I was gonna help the SCIA? Because I'm the Hand of Poseidon?
William: You'd be surprised how much spy work we don't do underwater.
William: And anyway, the SCIA has me vet all possible recruits. Sexually.
Cameron: WELL IF IT'S OFFICIAL PROCEDURE THEN
William: Fada soola gor!
Cameron: Fada soola bron!
All MNU grads do the cheer when they meet. It's like saying "Hi! I too was present for the wholesale zombification and slaughter of dozens of people."
William and Cameron: Vooooooo GERBITZ!
Of course, Cameron was zombifying them and William was slaughtering them. So there's that.
Cameron: Hey now, don't get too familiar. That was just a hello-kiss outside.
William: If you have to hyphen tonight's activities with helloes to rationalize them, I won't burst your bubble.
William: I saw Alvin sneaking over to bang Daisy's mom the other day. He's supposed to be mourning his lost wife, so he was wearing a disguise.
Cameron: A good one?
William: Is there a good gypsy disguise?
Cameron: I bet you can do better. Hmm. You'd look pretty hot with a beard.
William: I'd look pretty hot with a mullet. I'm pretty hot no matter what.
Cameron: Red is too loud a look for you in that uniform. You should dye your hair blonde.
William: Why are you trying to make me look like your husband?
William: Ooh, right. Roleplay. I'm hip.
Cameron: It's pretty hot in here. Mind if I put some of my extra layers in your dresser?
William: Avoid the top drawer! Those socks are all... used.
William: Well HELLO THERE.
Cameron: Is there trouble in the water, citizen? As Hand of Poseidon, I am obligated to bend my body to your needs.
Cameron: Nope, nope. Fuck that. I'm just pissed at my husband. Grab my ass.
William: It is so grabbable!
Cameron: Mmm. You're good at this.
William: If you're trying to make Andrew jealous, we could call him and say "look out the window!"
Cameron: He'd never find the right window in that fucking monstrosity of a house.
Cameron: And I don't give a shit if he's jealous right now.
Cameron: He might be my husband, but thanks to some hair dye and... whatever you did to get all that stubble so suddenly, he's not the only one who's my type.
William: You already were my type.
Cameron: But not married to you, I'm guessing.
William: Hell no.
Cameron: Then why did you get married?
William: Because it makes all the other women hotter.
William: Adultery fetishes work both ways, baby.
Cameron: I'm starting to see the appeal.
Cameron: Mmm mmm MMM good GOD where did you learn to do that.
William: Remember how you studied oceanography at university?
William: I was studying human relations.
William: I boned the entire university.
Cameron: You missed me, though.
William: I thought you were a dude.
Cameron: I DIDN'T PICK THAT HAIRCUT
William: This one is even dudier.
Cameron: What else did you learn at MNU?
William: I learned a neat party trick for taking off bras.
Cameron: Ooh! That does sound neat. How's it work?
William: Well, first you tell the chick that you know a neat party trick for taking off bras.
William: And then they let you do it.
Cameron: You're not as stupid as you look.
William: Learned that at MNU, too. "Honest, honey, I thought she was you but with a different haircut!" It was harder to sell with skintones.
Cameron: Pick a side, buddy.
William: I'm trying to... get a view. Of you. Because we're having a conversation!
Cameron: Let's test that assertion.
William: Come on. Your tanlines are driving me nuts from behind, and all I can see is a single straight one!
Cameron: You can have the whole package if you pass one simple test.
Cameron: Don't look at my tits.
William: That is literally the cruelest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Cameron: AH! No peeking!
William: I CAN FEEL THEM MOVING ON MY SHIRT
Cameron: Freedom of movement is a right. As is freedom from harassment.
Cameron: Leave my innocent girls alone, you corrupt lawman!
William: TOPLESSNESS IS FEDERALLY PROTECTED. I'm just trying to make sure justice is being done!
Cameron: I WON'T ALLOW MILITARY OVERSIGHT OF MY PRIVATE MATTERS.
William: There's no foreplay like constitutional law foreplay.
William: Is there a moratorium on ass-grabbing, too?
Cameron: I'm just trying to test your willpower, not mine.
Cameron: ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY
William: Gonna give up and pass me?
Cameron: Not just yet. The bluer the balls, the redder the rod!
William: I don't see what Captain Sparkles has to do with this. I thought we were just messing around to make your husband jealous.
Cameron: Dude, I'd abandoned that ruse by the time you left my house the other night!
William: Yeah, but I've taken it up now! You torture me your way, I'll torture you mine.
Cameron: Fine. You can look at my breasts if you'll stop pretending it's gonna stop there.
William: Of course it's not gonna stop there! We need Andrew to see me looking at your breasts.
Cameron: No, I'm serious, drop the façade! I'm... I'm ready to do this.
William: Hey! Save that good material for when he can actually hear it!
William: Maybe we could have a platonic dance while we wait for him. You know, to pass the time.
Cameron: I don't know how you turned this around on me so fast.
William: That, my dear, sweet Cameron...
William: ...is what she said.
Cameron: For the first time I can see why you're a secret agent.
William: By secret agent law I have to kill you or fuck you now.
Cameron: Let's start with the latter and keep at it until we're nearly at the former.
Cameron: Ha! FINALLY he looks!
William: I didn't want in for a penny unless you were in for a pounding.
I spent like a minute trying to come up with that joke, and it was one of the best-spent minutes of my life.
Also, yes, hello again! I am the man who is writing this porn dialogue. Good to see you.
William: Alright, Mrs. Price-Murphy, let's put that swimsuit to better use.
Cameron: It's just Price tonight.
William: Right you are.
Cameron: The Price is right!
William: HOW DID THAT JOKE TAKE ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN UPDATES TO LAND
William: CAN YOU HEAR ME OVER THERE
Cameron: Very funny.
William: You talk a big game, Cameron, but you act a little bored.
Cameron: That wasn't as good as the first pun.
I liked it.
William: My kids are asleep, your husband's out fucking werewolves or something, and the Zombie Queen has flown the coop. By which I mean Melanie's gone and our parrot named Zombie Queen apparently died. What're you afraid of?
Cameron: Just one thing, really.
Cameron: But I think it's already happened.
Cameron: Where's that hand going.
William: To your happy place! To make it happier.
Cameron: I'm gonna need a chaperone down there to keep things respectable.
I really don't see how I can manage that.
Cameron: That's okay, now I can blame you for what happens next.
William: What does happen next?
Cameron: I think we either make out, or those giant floating rose and heart icons crush us.
William: The two options aren't mutually exclusive.
Cameron: So let's start with the first.
William: I had a dream about you doing this.
Cameron: Just one? I thought I'd done a better job than that.
William: The other dreams were more graphic.
Cameron: Paint me a picture.
William: Most of them involved this hot tub.
Cameron: You just built this place today.
William: They were really good dreams.
William: You were making that face a lot.
Cameron: Really? Sounds kinda dull.
Cameron: You should have been trying for this face.
William: What causes it?
Cameron: I dream too, sometimes.
Cameron: But mine are harder to describe.
William: I'm more of a hands-on learner anyway.
William: For instance I'm learning to like your hands on me.
Cameron: Aww, aren't you adorable! Big scary secret agent.
William: I'm doing my best Andrew impression.
William: See, I'm helping you relax like a nice guy would.
Cameron: I thought this was an Andrew impression.
William: It's the best I could do without fucking your sister.
Cameron: Like you haven't fucked my sister before.
William: Everyone has.
Cameron: Well, I think you've earned something a bit more rare.
William: I definitely feel like I'm being rewarded.
William: You're like my Frequent Flyer bonus for banging the rest of Andrew's family!
Cameron: Frequent Fucker. How did you miss that one?
William: Something keeps taking my mind off of clever wordplay.
William: Allow me to demonstrate.
Cameron: Sorry, nope. While we're in the water, I'm in charge. Poseidon rules.
William: You might be in the water.
William: But I am in you.
Cameron: I'm sure... Poseidon... wants it that way...!
William: You do seem divinely inspired tonight.
William: And I keep thinking I hear a chorus of angels.
Cameron: We've been doing this all wrong.
William: We have?
Cameron: The porno sequence must be observed.
William: I'm all about observation right now. What did you have in mind?
Cameron: ...mm-hmm. Well. I'm glad we got it all washed up first.
Cameron: I'd hate to think how many germs could be carried on that surface area.
William: This is a hot tub, Cameron. It could not get any more nasty.
Cameron: Beg to differ.
William: If this is how you beg, I want to see you plead.
William: What's the matter? Cock got your tongue?
The icons say it all, really.
William: And I am in perfect agreement with them.
William: I thought the original plan was a handjob.
Cameron: ...mm. No.
Cameron: The original plan was really about the next part.
William: I bet you never serve Poseidon this well.
Cameron: No, this treatment is reserved for the Hand of Eros.
William: And a filthy, filthy hand it is!
Cameron: What are you implying about my ass?
William: I don't imply. I impound.
Cameron: You did a pound joke already.
William: Invisible person says what?
Cameron: For a second there I was worried that you were gonna... in the...
William: Why bother? I can reach your crotch just fine from here.
Cameron: Yes... you... can.
William: And also I don't want poop on my dick in the tub.
Cameron: Since my face is in the tub, I am in wholehearted OH agreement with that sentiment.
Cameron: So we get literally an entire chapter of porn, now? Dropped the pretense, huh?
We've done this before. When your husband banged the neighbour.
Cameron: You mean my sister.
Sure, if that helps you keep up the good mood you're in.
William: She's got all the help she needs right here.
William: I like looking at a pitchfork while I fuck another dude's wife. Really hammers home the awesometastic wrongness of it.
Cameron: THAT... is the TRIDENT... of POSEIDON.
William: More like the trampstamp of pussydom.
Cameron: APOLOGIZE TO POSEIDON
Cameron: Urrrgll.. brggle... mmmmmmmmmmmrgl.
The hottest of tubs.
William: That was too sexy to even describe!
Cameron: Or depict, apparently.
William: OH MY GOD.
Cameron: You've already seen my breasts.
William: EVEN SO.
Cameron: I'm keeping him.
You're both married to the most import-
Cameron: KEEPING HIM.
Cameron: Alright, starting to feel like a lobster in here.
William: You have been really hot tonight.
Cameron: Let's not get into that.
Cameron: Almost kissing is so hot.
William: Sure it's not my dick creep?
Cameron: Can't you just feel it, though? The tension between our lips?
William: It's the tension between your legs I'm worried about right now, to be honest. Just because you're the Hand of Poseidon doesn't mean your thighs need to simulate crushing depth.
Cameron: That reference deserves a smoochie.
William: I need to read up on oceanography, then.
Cameron: I can give you the splash course.
Cameron: Little joke.
William: Very little.
William: Seriously though, WHY are you so attractive?
Cameron: I blame the steam.
Cameron: And also I asked a genie to make me irresistible.
William: Ha! She thought I'd want to resist.
William: Like you needed to sell "bang Andrew's wife" to me.
Cameron: Considering what you did with his first fiancé, I should have thought of you as an early adopter.
William: Okay, banter over. I want some grunts and groans and OH OH OHs now.
Cameron: Are those the sounds your children make when they starve to death? 'cuz they're starving to death.
Neila and Victor: WE LIVE HERE TOO
Cameron: Responsible daddyhood is sexy too.
William: Sexier than a visit from the social worker, I suppose.
That's usually his side of the bed.
Cameron: Oh, we won't be taking sides.
Cameron: Just positions.
William: Hmm... nah, she'd never go for it.
William: I bet her sister would, though.
William: I bet her sister would suggest it, even.
Cameron: MAYBE HE'D BETTER CALL MY SISTER THEN
William: IT WAS ALREADY ALMOST DAYBREAK WHEN I LEFT
William: But it sure does feel like I was gone too long.
Cameron: And now you're back, just long enough.
Cameron: UHHHH-UHHHH-UHH OKAY PLENTY LONG ENOUGH
Cameron: ALL OF THE LONG THERE IS
William: Can Poseidon pronounce marriages?
Cameron: I'LL ASK HIM.
William: Consider this my proposal.
Cameron: IT'S INDECENT
William: Hey, it's a threesome now!
Cameron: I DON'T EVEN LIKE HER PLATONICALLY
William: Yes! YES! Let the hate FLOW through you! Like my penis is doing.
William: We're going to starve in here.
Cameron: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
William: If he shows up, we're not stopping for him.
Cameron: YOU'RE GONNA BREAK SOMETHING
William: The bed, probably.
Cameron: I think I'm in love with you.
William: That doesn't mean I have to stop fucking, right.
Cameron: It means you can't.
William: Good, because I literally can't.
Cameron: ON YOUR BACK, MISTER.
Cameron: Bob me like a buoy.
William: I thought you said "boy." And got a little limp for a second there.
Cameron: That was the bit where you went down to only eight inches?
William: Hey, that extra inch is important. It's what differentiates me from bigfoot.
Cameron: I live with bigfoot. Let's not talk about his penis.
William: Maybe buy him some pants, then?
William: Or give him yours, and go without.
Cameron: It's winter. That might work in this weirdo spa bedroom but it's bound to get a little nippy outside.
William: So don't leave.
Cameron: Thought you'd take the "nippy" bait there.
William: I was gonna get around to it eventually.
William: Swimming really does make you flexible, huh.
Cameron: And you get mad muscle tone from the PSI.
William: This is all your fault, Chelsea.
Cameron: Don't tell her that, she'll be proud.
William: This is something to be proud of.
Cameron: I THINK I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING THERE'S NO POLITE WORD FOR
William: ...Oh, were we giving our warnings? 'cuz I already went like ten times.
Cameron: Good thing I'm on the pill, then.
William: No such thing.
William: The pill! That's not a thing in this universe. You either decide to have kids or you don't.
Cameron: Pretty sure I never decided to have those three kids waiting for me at home.
William: Then I guess you can thank the family man for them.
Cameron: Huh. You're sure it works that way?
William: Yep. So there's nothing to worry about! As long as neither of us wanted you to bear my brilliant, beautiful, world-defining offspring, your genetically perfect curves are safe.
William: 'cuz we're just really good friends now, no strings attached.
William: Things were said in the heat of the moment.
Cameron: Hot things.
William: 'cuz it was hot.
Cameron: And I think I might have wanted your kids.
William: Me too.
William and Cameron: LET'S GO AGAIN TO MAKE SURE
Cameron: OH OH OH
Cameron: I think I hear someone playing "Rock-a-Bye Baby" in the distance.
William: My head's been ringing since that killer blowjob you gave me like five hours ago.
William: Don't you have to get back to your kids?
Cameron: Time doesn't pass there while I'm here.
William: ...has it been passing here, even?
William: 'cuz I swear I'm good for another five hours.
You want time passing? I'll give you time passing.
William: Time to wake up!
Cameron: Mm. I feel like I just fell asleep.
William: Triple speed will do that to you.
Cameron: Somehow these posts make this crappy bed fantastic.
William: Sometimes I like to grab them like this and howl like Tarzan.
Cameron: I think I lost five pounds in here.
William: But I gave you a few hundred more than that.
Cameron: AGAIN with the pound jokes.
William: Stop setting me up then!
Cameron: It's definitely the right word, though. I feel like someone tried to make butter out of my ass.
William: Makes sense. It makes me cream.
Cameron: That was a bit much.
William: JUST LIKE YOUR ASS, baby!
Cameron: Your workout partner application is accepted.
Cameron: BECAUSE MY OLD PARTNER REPLACED ME
William: Did you show him the tan lines? 'cuz he must literally be Chelseasexual if he risked losing them for her.
Cameron: You're such a gentleman, William.
William: Remember that when our sex tape hits the internet.
Cameron: THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED
This is more of a slideshow, really.
William: Let the record show that I still found the defendant guilty of hotness the morning after.
Cameron: Objection! Mr. Sharpe was clearly just angling for another roll in the hay.
William: Come on, Cameron! Give me some credit here! You're a very sexy lady!
Cameron: I've got grey Price eyes, a nose that could break up clay and a great big scar from when I used to be a zombie.
William: And that's just for starters.
Cameron: Promise you'll at least keep the stubble.
William: We'll meet in the middle with "at most."
William: Dump Andrew.
Cameron: Want to help?
William: What do I have to do?
Cameron: Don't call us, we'll call you.
William: Will you actually call me?
William: She was right about the stubble.
William: ...I just fucked a mad scientist's wife.
Cameron: Winning so hard.
Next time: science, love, and zombies.
And yet not quite as fantastic as that sounds.