Welcome to UpTowners, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates monthly!
I present this without comment.
Except to say that your eyes will eventually adjust.
Make of it what you will.
Funk you up!
Oh god, please forgive me.
Once upon a time, wherever this place is...
Cameron: Hmm... this is a pretty nice place!
William: How can you tell? I can't see a fucking thing.
Cameron: Yeah, it's really... bloomy around here, eh?
William: And warmy, and glowy, and fucking eldritch.
Cameron: "Fucking eldritch" might be a bit harsh for this fairy wonderland effect.
William: Says the amnesiac girl to the amnesiac guy she met at the edge of a giant blue precipice.
Cameron: Hahaha, yep! That's definitely something that happened. Before the story started.
William: Yeah, um, hey. I'm over here. If you blink really hard the blur's not so bad.
William: Man, I bet I look so sexy in this shit.
Cameron: Timle!
William: Tourneau!
Cameron: Wow, I think my eyes are adjusting. You're starting to look less like a big fleshy blob.
William: Man, I wish I could be you right now, experiencing the experience you're about to experience.
Cameron: So I take it you're pretty high on yourself, then.
William: Just about the only thing I'm sure about right now is how awesome I am!
William: I'm gonna need you to start confirming that for me in about five minutes or I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.
William: And it all has to be true, I'll know if you're making shit up.
William: By the way, do all your bones hurt like they just got pounded into bone shapes from bone dust?
Cameron: No! But I'll definitely let you know if that starts happening. Probably by screaming.
William: I woke up on the ground, right? Maybe I fell from the sky.
Cameron: If you're about to say you fell from heaven, I'm about to leave.
William: If I can't flirt with a pretty lady, what's the point of being alive?
Cameron: I might need you to open some jars or something.
William: That's not funny.
William: No, seriously though, I'm really glad you're here. If I have to be stranded in some weird alternate dimension with no memory of my past life, I might as well do it with someone whose attractiveness is so confusing it'll give me hours of quiet contemplation to take my mind off the vast uncertainty of creation.
William: BITCH YEAH I GOT THAT ALL OUT IN ONE GO
Cameron: I'm flattered for some reason!
Cameron: Seriously though, you think I'm attractive? I feel like reports might vary on that subject.
William: You've got a goofy face and a weird goofy face scar. That's pretty fantastic.
Cameron: ...thanks?
Cameron: Okay, but seriously, should we touch anything? Should we even be in here? What if whoever owns it comes back?
William: What if we own it?
Cameron: This must be how Christopher Columbus felt.
Cameron: And I'm not giving anyone smallpox just to live in this awesome house.
William: Oh sure, wuss out on me why don't you.
William: Anyway I say we put my dick on everything.
William: And I do mean "we."
Cameron: Your self-confidence is as reassuring as it is misplaced.
William: You're too well-spoken to argue with properly.
Cameron: So I'm a Knowledge Sim! That's two things I know about myself now!
Cameron: What's in here?
William: The only important stuff.
Cameron: ...you're sleeping outside.
Cameron: I mean, how do I know I can trust you? Maybe you drugged me and dragged me to your secret woodland retreat to seduce me?
Cameron: That would be pretty romantic.
William: I'm flattered that you think I can Photoshop reality like this.
William: Sorry honey, I'm just an average guy. I think.
Cameron: An average guy in a uniform, covered in medals.
William: They're not labelled! They could be kitten-saving medals for all we know.
Cameron: I didn't know medals could save kittens.
William: You trying to turn me off?
William: Anyhow, quit walking away.
Cameron: Give me a reason.
William: Impromptu dance lesson?
Cameron: A logical reason!
William: Man, I bet I could fit my entire head into one of those nostrils.
William: BUT ONLY WITH YOUR PERMISSION
William: I'm a modern dude! I know a woman's nostrils are her own property.
Cameron: I'm trying to figure out why I don't hate you yet.
Cameron: It must be this dreamy atmosphere, it's making me swoon.
William: You sure it's not just me?
Cameron: No, I'm definitely swooning too.
Cameron: PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE
Whump.
William: Oh baby, you just called down the thunder.
Cameron: HAHAHAHA "WHUMP."
William: I'll engrave that on your headstone.
William: IF YOUR CORPSE EVEN HAS A HEAD
Cameron: You're cute when you should be scary.
William: I don't even know what I look like, but I can tell that much from the inside out.
William: Hey, do you think I might be a bit conceited? Because I think that would be a really interesting character flaw to have.
Cameron: You're like an onion made of silly cheese.
Cameron: Turn around, let me see about those bones of yours.
William: You could see the bone you're pointing at instead...
Cameron: I take it you spend a lot of time thinking about sex.
William: I'm a dude. We don't need to know which dude I am to know that.
Cameron: Your muscles are all bunched up, like you're a hunchback or something.
William: I'm sure I have a perfectly sexy reason for it.
Cameron: ...um, wow. You're really built, mister.
William: Built is right, this shit don't come natural.
Cameron: Are you gonna turn everything I say into self-aggrandizement?
William: Only if you tell me what that means!
William: Just kidding, I'm a genius too. Of course.
Cameron: I get this weird feeling like I know you from somewhere.
William: Your-
Cameron: AND NOT "MY DREAMS" BEFORE YOU SAY THAT.
William: I know where we know each other from.
Cameron: Yeah?
William: Yeah. Come closer and I'll tell you.
Cameron: Sounds legit?
William: We met outside the house.
Cameron: You are one grade-A asshole, William.
William: That grade means a lot, coming from a school nerd.
Cameron: I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you.
William: Or hold me or thr-
Cameron: NO PRINCE SONGS I'LL JUST HOLD YOU.
William: Bitches will do anything to make the Prince stop.
Cameron: Did you just call me a bitch?
William: Why, is that a bad thing? My internal lexicon is also conveniently gone.
William: As are all my memories of that human thing we call love. Can you show me?
Cameron: I am going to hate myself for this.
William: You should hate yourself for even considering it.
Cameron: Aw MAN I probably wanted something better than this.
William: Luckily, you might never remember what.
Cameron: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Cameron: This amnesia must be progressive. I've already forgotten why I called you an asshole.
William: I'll give you some new reasons to remember soon enough.
William: 'cuz that's my style.
Cameron: Why are your pants so tight?
William: With what I've been feeling down there, I'm afraid to look.
William: Sweet, date flowers! They're worth §55 a pop!
Cameron: And now we know what Aspiration you are.
Cameron: Are you there? The bloom out here is so bad I keep expecting J.J. Abrams to show up.
Cameron: Seriously, if there's anyone out there, HELP US WITH THIS.
Cameron: ...why would anyone be out there?
William: There's a flamingo, but I really doubt he's behind it all.
Cameron: That skanky statue looks like she might be up to no good.
Cameron: ...man, I take it all back, this shiny happy shit is amazing.
William: Don't go all anti-goth on me, that's almost as bad as real goth!
William: AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO TO GOTHS
Cameron: I can guess?
Cameron: And who said you could keep touching me?
William: The quiver in your lips every time I do.
William: And your wobbly tits.
William: You seriously need a bra under there.
Cameron: He noticed my tits!
William: Alright, cards on the table here. I'd probably do you even if you weren't the last doable thing on earth.
Cameron: I'm guessing those medals weren't for poetry.
Cameron: Why can't you just say something nice if you mean something nice?
William: Because then you'd have the advantage!
William: I may not know the specifics, but they don't give out medals to dudes who let other people get the advantage.
Cameron: Wow, you're a nutbag. I should have known from the uniform.
Cameron: But noting the absence of any other sentient life here, I'm gonna go ahead and say sure, let's hold hands and play nice.
William: I dunno, those bees look pretty cunning.
Cameron: Shut up, you've already won me over.
William: As a consolation prize, you get to pick our first romantic shenanigans.
William: I should have known you'd pick something that'd muss up my uniform.
Cameron: This feels right somehow.
William: Probably because the ground brown matches your hair brown and your shirt brown and your boot brown. You're coming home.
Cameron: THERE! Did you see it?!
William: Sure!
Cameron: SOMEBODY'S WATCHING US!
William: THEN STOP MAKING THEM THINK YOU'RE CRAZY
Cameron: You don't believe me, do you?
William: Of course I do! But I almost got my hand all the way up there by making you so mad you forgot to pay attention.
Cameron: If they could bottle what you've got, I bet it would smell like used cars.
William: Used car smell! Now there's a business plan.
Cameron: It just got dark.
William: Hey, it was your stupid idea.
Cameron: No, I mean, it just got dark.
William: Huh. Well. It gets dark here! That's a thing. That's one thing.
William: What are you doing now, crazyface?
Cameron: Contemplating.
Cameron: Okay nope, it's raining now. Not jumping off a nothing cliff in the rain.
William: I'm not sure there's ever good weather for a suicidal plunge.
Cameron: Presumably we came from whatever's beyond that blue curtain.
William: And presumably if they want us back, they can damn well come get us.
William: I for one want to see what that bloom effect looks like on booze.
Cameron: Haven't you got enough to look at already?
William: Right now I do.
Cameron: What's that supposed to mean.
Cameron: Welp, here's to... us, I guess.
William: What a ringing endorsement.
Cameron: I don't even know your last name.
William: Me either.
Cameron: WHICH ISN'T COMFORTING
William: I'm the hot guy you're trapped in a cabin with. While you're drinking. What more do you need to know?
Cameron: I need to know at least another glass of this before I answer.
William: I'll drink to that.
Cameron: I bet whoever I used to be didn't have an awesome house like this.
Cameron: And holy shit those eyes of yours.
William: I can only imagine.
William: I'm gonna need permission to start groping pretty soon.
Cameron: I'm glad you understand the rules.
William: Punch me if this is unwelcome!
Cameron: I take it back.
Cameron: Holy SHIT what is in those pants.
William: Whatever it is, it likes you.
Cameron: I think I'm gonna have to reciprocate.
William: What a convenient coincidence! I can show you my reciprocating engine.
Cameron: How many metaphors do you have for your penis?
William: Enough to keep me covered if I suddenly sprout ten more.
Cameron: I can't wait to tell everyone I knew you before your circus freak days.
William: Oh, you're gonna know me alright.
Cameron: So what, you were a general or something?
William: Maybe they're radio waves and I was big into HAM.
Cameron: Again though, why would you have medals for that?
William: Maybe I had a really dangerous station.
Cameron: I am going to take these puns out on your penis.
Cameron: And that will be the excuse I tell myself in the morning.
William: Oh, we'll still be going by morning.
Cameron: Fantastic, we can have breakfast in dead.
William: I'll lend you some of my stamina if you get tired.
Cameron: That had better not be a metaphor for ejaculating inside of me.
Cameron: Good fucking lord how much did I drink.
Cameron: Are we seriously doing this.
William: I'd rather humorously do it, to be honest.
Cameron: I sure hope this bed belongs to us.
William: We're about to own it, either way.
Cameron: Anything your size in there?
William: Gonna have to tug the crotches out a bit.
William: Awesome, string pants! The well-endowed man's friend.
William: Not that well-endowed men have many enemies.
William: Why do I feel like I'm wrong about that?
Cameron: I bet you get that feeling a lot.
Cameron: I found something slightly smaller than my size!
William: Which is the best size.
Cameron: Man, I've got some crazy tan lines going on here.
Cameron: I'm going to regret this so hard tomorrow.
William: No, this so hard is very unlikely to cause regrets.
Cameron: I think I can justify this on the basis of your sustained incredible wordplay.
Cameron: So. Any memories flooding back yet?
William: Blood is flooding my penis.
Cameron: Yeah, fantastic. Memories though?
William: My penis has some muscle memory it wants to show you. Does that count?
William: I'm just having trouble reconciling this metaphysical nightmare with the fact that I need to fuck you silly.
William: Maybe we already know each other, and we used to have a bunch of sex, and having a bunch more will jumpstart our memories!
Cameron: Okay, I get it, you're horny.
William: THEN WHY AM I STILL HORNY
William: Come on baby, you know you want some of this.
Cameron: With those Maxis feet? You're disgusting.
Cameron: But fuck it, yeah, let's do this thing.
Cameron: This is like something out of a romance novel!
William: Yes, the author would definitely have left all of this out.
Cameron: Oh, wow! Hand kissing! I didn't expect that! And wow you're good with your hands.
William: My hands spend a lot of time on my penis. They've learned some tricks via osmosis.
William: Which I guess means I pee a lot.
Cameron: What?
William: Pretty sure I never need to masturbate, is all I'm sayin'.
Cameron: I really can't figure out why, but I believe you.
William: I'm a master of persuasion. I might not talk softly, but my big stick makes up for it.
William: I'm referring to my penis.
Cameron: Why would you think I wouldn't know that?
William: I just don't want you thinking I have some actual stick somewhere that you could see, because you'd be so disappointed.
Cameron: You're such a knob.
Cameron: NOW YOU'VE GOT ME DOING IT
William: I've been trying to get you doing it for hours.
Cameron: ...this actually feels really familiar.
William: You can't get much more familiar than this!
Cameron: STOP PLAYING ON MY WORDS
Cameron: But keep playing on my everything else.
Cameron: Mmmmmmmm yeah.
William: There's nothing hotter than a smart chick struck dumb.
Cameron: Are you sniffing my hair?
William: No, I'm rubbing it on mine. Hoping to get some residual shampoo so I don't have to shower tomorrow.
William: Lifehack.
Cameron: Take me, you disgusting man-thing!
William: Oh my god! I get it! I know what I used to be!
Cameron: A penis salesman?
William: No! What? But no!
William: I was an undercover agent.
William: And I was the best.
Cameron: I'd say you still are.
Cameron: Is this real?
William: I hope not! Reality blows.
Cameron: Who knows? Maybe I do too.
Cameron: How long have you been awake?
William: Oh, for at least a few boobs.
Cameron: I don't know why your lechery is so flattering.
William: With what I'm packing downstairs, baby, any attention from me is a boon.
Cameron: I need to spend the rest of the day away from you.
Cameron: So we can spend the night together, naturally.
William: I might not be able to wait that long.
William: Unless you've got a sister or something.
Cameron: I might, because just hearing that word makes me wince.
William: Whew! That was quite the workout.
Cameron: I feel kinda embarassed.
William: What? Why?! I think I got two extra Body points out of what you did last night!
Cameron: Well, you definitely helped tone my vagina a bunch.
Cameron: That deserves pancakes.
William: If that's a-
Cameron: It's not a metaphor for anything sexual.
William: WHY NOT
William: I'll still take the pancakes though.
William: Free pancakes ain't nothin'.
Welp, there's that done for a month.
Back to Pine Valley proper next week.
