Welcome to UpTowners, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: more nudity than you can shake a dick at.
Look who came back just in time for a monthly update!
You are really gonna want to read Day One first if you want to just be confused, instead of baffled.
Back to the hallowed halls of...
Ha! No. Even the place name is a spoiler.
William: I've just been calling it Dick Palace.
It works on multiple levels!
William: Just like my dick!
William: Can you give me a minute? Just realized I spent all night in a stranger's bed. I might need to set some stuff on fire.
Cameron: I'm gonna have to opt out of that.
Cameron: You're not gonna get weird about getting freaky last night, are you?
William: I haven't decided. Once I get up the courage to look and see if you're coyote ugly, I'll let you know.
William: And, anticipating a negative outcome, I'm going to practice my self-defense skills.
William: I bet I make these things feel inadequate.
And they promptly return the favour.
Cameron: I think he's frozen in shock.
Yeah, this can't be good for him.
I think he's having trouble reconciling lived experience with internal self-image.
Cameron: I hope that's stainless steel!
William: I'M TRYING TO HIT THE OUTSIDE PARTS
Cameron: Good, he's moved on to the second stage of goof: plausible deniability.
Cameron: Get over here and decide if I'm a dog, so I can decide if you get fed.
Cameron: I see what you mean, though. I'm reluctant to put my ass on this.
William: You can sit in my lap, if you want.
Cameron: I'll wait until you've brushed your teeth.
William: I'm already doing that with my fork. Multitasking!
Cameron: We are never kissing again.
William: I don't blame you for sticking to the traditional method. You can still blow me if you want.
Cameron: I bet you're the reason the word "gentleman" was created. Everything needs an antonym, after all.
William: Hey, in my roundabout, kind of offensive way, I'm flirting with you!
Cameron: Maybe you should have done that last night instead of the morning after. It's not called aftplay.
Cameron: And if you'd been like this last night, there wouldn't have been a morning after.
William: So far I wouldn't miss it.
Cameron: Aw, I'm just teasing you. You're not that bad. I guess I'd sleep with you if you were the last dick on earth.
Cameron: Or the only dick on some weird square block of grass in the middle of the bright blue ether.
William: No! BAD penis! No breakfast for you!
William: What? You saw him begging.
William: I guess he just has to go unsatiated.
Cameron: Ooh baby, now I'm getting hot.
William: ...well? Are you gonna take it from me, or do I need to get a maid to do the dishes?
There's that reconciliation freeze again.
William: Women get it a lot more often.
Cameron: He's cute though! Dammit!
It's not like you have a lot of options here.
Cameron: I could go celibate...
Could you, though?
Cameron: I've decided dating you is slightly better than masturbating.
William: How does that affect the masturbation date I was about to suggest?
William: Never mind, I think it's automasturbating itself right now.
William: Ooh yeah baby, let's get funky with that plate.
William: Or I guess we could throw it out and not have sex.
Cameron: You threw your plate out first!
William: IT HAD DICK ON IT
William: Fuck! EVERYTHING's got dick on it!
Cameron: Hey, if everything's doing it...
William: ...we should be doing it too?
William: Pun chain!
William: If I grab your ass will you forget how lame I am?
Cameron: Only if you put some fingernail into it.
William: You want me to put my fingernail into...
Cameron: NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT
William: Good, 'cuz these hands are rated as deadly weapons and you'd probably end up with a finger out your pelvis.
Cameron: This conversation is no longer sexy.
So fuck it.
William: I intend to.
William: Hot damn we are good at kissing!
Cameron: I'm surprised you're willing to give me credit.
William: I'm no fool. I know a one-sided ping-pong match can't last.
William: And I want to keep these balls in motion as long as possible!
Cameron: Ohhhhh yes metaphor me baby
William: We can never make food on this counter again.
Cameron: It'll be just for makin' love, then.
William: She loves me!
Cameron: NO IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION
William: She expressed her looooove!
Cameron: GET BACK HERE DAMMIT
Cameron: You figuratively just drifted away on a cloud of ecstasy and literally left me hanging.
William: Speaking of being left hanging, you gonna grab a sponge or what?
Cameron: I could go for a bit more "or what," to be honest.
Cameron: What else is there to do? You're hot, I'm hot, and holy fuck our heights are different.
Cameron: ...since when do heights vary?
Since the latest GruglyPatch.
Coming 2018 to the rest of the journal!
William: Hahaha you're so slow.
William: So you'd rather have sex than figure out what we're doing here?
Cameron: I just don't want to die and have to face eternal punishment for wasting these god-given gifts of ours.
Cameron: It's okay that I'm complimenting myself, because as far as we know our entire race consists of two people so conceitedness is the norm.
Cameron: By which I mean your self-confidence is rubbing off on me.
William: I was gonna call him "Captain Sparkles," but "Self-Confidence" is a good penis name too.
Cameron: "Captain Sparkles"? Seriously?
William: If you catch him at the right moment, in the right light, yeah!
William: LOTS OF GUYS NAME THEIR DICKS
Cameron: I name him sufficient.
Cameron: OH SO SUFFICIENT
Do-it-yourself porno! Flip this image and the last one back and forth.
And don't tell me about it if you do.
William: Maybe we are just here to have sex.
I can assure you that you're not.
William: MAYBE WE ARE JUST HERE TO HAVE SEX
Cameron: Your pelvic thrusts are really driving me insane.
William: I hate The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Cameron: We can never marry.
Cameron: I keep fucking this stranger.
William: I keep fucking this stranger!
William: And it's fucking fantastic.
Cameron: I can never get clean enough!
Cameron: And why do I keep doing this?
Maybe you're a Kryptonian and you need sunlight for your super powers.
William: I hope she doesn't have super smell if she intends to stay in here.
Cameron: Oh good, a tasteful collection of swatches.
Doesn't really fit with the whole climate thing going on here, you know.
Cameron: There's nothing else in there!
No? Huh. It must not be yours yet, then.
William: I can tell you this sink is definitely hers already...
Cameron: I feel good.
So why so bitchy?
Cameron: I want to see some people feeling bad so they can see how good I feel!
Cameron: Ooh, are you gonna play darts again? Mission successful!
Cameron: I bet he'll get a bull's eye just to spite me.
William: Apparently my spite isn't as strong as my astigmatism.
Cameron: We need to find hobbies. If I spend a whole day watching you play darts I'm gonna throw myself off the world.
Cameron: Up high!
Cameron: Down low!
William: Too slow!
William: This is my naughty face.
Cameron: You're cute when you think you're cool.
William: That's, like, an infinite supply of cuteness then.
Cameron: AND IT'S TAKING ITS TOLL ON ME
William: Oh, there's no toll. No fair price has ever even been suggested for this.
Cameron: Your narcissism is eventually going to wear thin, William.
William: I'll just apply a fresh coat by looking in the mirror, then.
William: And don't call me narcissistic when there is a pool of water literally right out the window over there.
Cameron: I'm hardly in a position to disagree.
Cameron: Star Trek.
Cameron: Makes everything better.
Cameron: Want a drink?
William: It's "get drunk, have sex," not the other way around, stupid.
Cameron: This is just a healthier equivalent to smoking a cigarette, honey.
William: Nobody smokes cigarettes after sex! They're only for looking cool when you shoot somebody, or messing with FBI agents!
William: This constant irradiation cannot be healthy.
Cameron: Maybe the alcohol will help shield us from the bloom cancer.
William: You think we're gonna be here that long?
Cameron: Unless you're willing to see what's beyond that blue wall.
William: I might go look at it later.
Cameron: Good plan! I'll stand right behind you, and promise not to push for science.
William: Somehow I feel like "science" ought to have a capital "s."
Cameron: What a world that would be.
Cameron: ...what if this is the entire world? We don't remember what's outside it because there's nothing outside it?!
Or what if this is a bizarre spin-off of a larger series, like one huge-ass bottle episode?
Cameron: That would be stupid.
Cameron: That was so stupid it put me to sleep.
Cameron: Warn me if the autofucker is getting close.
Cameron: My vagina can't handle another abrupt segue to fucking.
No, it's okay.
He's fucking some food up instead.
Sure is getting hazy out here.
Cameron: SURE IS SHUT UP OUT THERE
So you broke into this house, and took their hamburgers?
William: BEFORE YOU SAY IT I AM NOT A HAMBURGLAR
William: Gobble gobble.
William: I'm sure I can figure out how this works if I try hard enough.
William: Life was so much easier when misogyny was okay.
Oh no Cameron look out.
Cameron: It's fine, I've been thinking about that stupid penis this entire time.
William: Yeah, me too.
William: It's pretty awesome.
Cameron: It's not like I fish for compliments.
Cameron: But it sure would be nice to catch one from time to time.
Cameron: I thought these were supposed to have double patties.
Cameron: MY BODY IS REJECTING THE INFERIOR BURGER
Cameron: THAT MUST BE WHAT THIS IS
Cameron: THE BURGER IS KICKING MY INSIDES
Cameron: WHAT A WEIRD
Cameron: I'm pregnant.
Cameron: I CANNOT BE PREGNANT
Cameron: Pregnancy requires consent.
Man, I wish we lived in your world.
Cameron: It doesn't make sense. Neither of us were Trying for Baby. I literally cannot be pregnant. It's impossible.
Unless you were already pregnant when you came here.
Cameron: Right, and I'm still not showing? Since when is swapping one nonsensical explanation for another nonsensical explanation considered progress?
Ever since I became an historian!
Cameron: It must just be indigestion.
Or we could combine both theories!
Cameron: I am not digesting a baby!
Cameron: Although that method of excretion would be less painful.
Cameron: I'm terrible.
William: Wait a minute... have I been fucking a pillow this entire time?!
Pillow: .oO(Call me!)
William: I see the fair damsel escaped my clutches.
Yeah, you're about as stupid as most dragons.
William: Some dragons are smart!
Not the ones who read their newspapers upside-down.
William: Anyhow, Cameron's right. We need to find some hobbies.
Other than fucking.
William: That's not a hobby. That's a lifestyle.
William: Perhaps I'll discover the music in me.
I don't want to hear any cock rock.
William: Man, alright! "Tears from Heaven!" This one always makes me laugh.
William: 'cuz his kid dies.
William: IT'S FUNNY TO ME.
William: Right, so... it's true what they say about white men.
They can't jump?
William: Wait, it was jump? I thought it was dance. You know any black people we could ask?
I... actually do not.
And I'd be ashamed to let a black person see you right now, anyway.
William: Getting some serious Silent Hill vibes out here.
That doesn't make any sense. Silent Hill's fog was to disguise poor draw distance! And I've intentionally set your draw distance to nada and copped to it.
William: So wait, you could show us what's beyond the blue?
Pff, like I'm going to do that. I haven't even shown the blue itself this whole update!
William: I assume it's still out there, making all this other shit glow blue.
Naw, it's all made of elven swords from Zork and they're glowing to indicate the presence of grues.
William: If a grue comes near me, he's getting a slavering mouthful of shit.
William: Hey, what're you doing down there?
Getting a good shot in.
William: MY TURN.
YOU DID NOT JUST POUR SHIT ON YOUR MAKER.
William: Why not? It's all he ever does to us.
Look at that man, working hard to put food on the table!
The good old days!
When women were property and everyone was racist!
Man, fuck the good old days.
William: If they're cute enough, I'm game.
I would never be able to wear those pants again.
Cameron: I don't want to wake up and find out what that's in reference to.
So you're actually gonna try farming, huh?
William: Why else would there be a greenhouse here?
Certainly not to teach you a lesson in futility.
William: Futility can kiss my busty hoe.
William: Strike the earth.
William: And lo, what have we here? Seeds from my native land, carried across the sea of blue!
Except that's not true, and for all you know this is your native land.
William: Narrative drama won't allow it!
William: Go forth, little sprites! Bloom and blossom into full 3D!
Seed: .oO(I am not going in there.)
Seed: .oO(OH GOD THE COW FARTS)
William: Eat shit and live, my friends.
William: See you when you're edible! Oh god this is disgusting.
William: Man, the beauty of nature is gross.
William: Awesome, let's shit up all my clothes.
Next month: our protagonists do something with their time that isn't carnal.
The carnal stuff's there too, though.
William: Wait, next month?!