Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!
Pine Valley: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25A, 25B, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100.
Clover County: 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118 119, 120. 121, 122, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143, 144, 145, 146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 152, 153, 154, 155, 156, 157, 158, 159, 160, 161, 162, 163, 164, 165, 166, 167, 168, 169, 170, 171, 172, 173, 174, 175, 176, 177, 178, 179, 180, 181, 182, 183, 184, 186, 185, 187, 188, 189, 190, 191, 192, 193, 194, 195, 196, 197.
Interludes: 1, 2, 3. April Fools' Day: 2014, 2014 Comparison, 2015.
And now for something completely different.
Do a barrel roll?
The Mad Cow: That reference ain't getting any younger.
The Mad Cow: Hey, any bathroom peeps about?
Jake: Who the fuck are you?
Says whoever the fuck this is.
The Mad Cow: I am down to fuck this.
Jake: It returns the feeling!
The Mad Cow: Reciprocates.
Jake: No, that's engines.
Ember: My cooch is getting pins and needles. It's high time Jake started laying pipe again.
Jake: So, mystery sex cow. I assume you've picked your moment carefully, waiting until Ember is safely out of the way before making your move?
The Mad Cow: Why would I do that?
Jake: So she doesn't walk in while we're FUCK
The Mad Cow: I always forget about that weird human thing called jealousy.
Ember: He cheated on me... with a COW?!
If that's his thing, maybe it's all for the best.
Jake: HOLY SHIT EMBER WAY TO WALK IN ON YOUR SURPRISE
Jake: ALSO THERE'S A COW IN MY BUTT
Ember: YOU DID NOT GET ME A SURPRISE COW
Jake: FINE DON'T HAVE A COW THEN
Jake: OW OW IS THAT LEGAL
Ember: AS AN OFFICER OF THE COURT I'M MAKING IT LEGAL
Jake: What did that cloud call me?!
Jake: I'm really disappointed in you, Ember. I thought you'd be cool with a beastiality three-way.
Ember: I just want to be asked first, is all.
Ember: AND ALSO YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT
Jake: Sure! What did you think I was doing in the bathroom, oil painting?
Jake: So apparently it's cows today, huh.
The Mad Cow: It's the age of the Cow, friend. Mark your calendars.
Jake: I'm trying to keep a safe distance away from you.
The Mad Cow: If you knew me better, you'd know that's impossible.
The Mad Cow: Right?
OH GOD DON'T LOOK AT ME
The Mad Cow: Right.
The Mad Cow: So here's how it is. I've got an evil plan.
Jake: I always knew cows were too quiet.
The Mad Cow: And I'm looking for people with a certain kind of talent.
Jake: Kissable lips and an eight-inch penis?
The Mad Cow: Expendability.
Jake: I've probably got that too.
Jake: As long as there's cow sex in it for me.
This is what it looks like when you project your monitor onto a TV.
The Mad Cow: Shit it don't sit it, kid.
The Mad Cow: I want you to become a sleeper agent.
Jake: The kid? I bet he's really good at naps, yeah.
The Mad Cow: I might have just decided to destroy you.
Jake: Okay, truce. I won't say anything stupid if you won't try to kill me.
The Mad Cow: "Try" is the wrong word, but sure. I never keep my word anyway.
Ember: It's so sexy when you talk to yourself, Jake! Stop staring at my butt kid.
There's someon el-
Ember: -ephants? There's someone elephants?! What would that even mean.
Ember: ...are we planting a garden, Jake?
Ember: Okay, what the fuck. Someone named Richard wants me to know how great his sex life is apparently.
Jake: I want to be that guy.
The Mad Cow: She's supposed to be upset. I forgot she got mindwiped.
The Mad Cow: Only if "ironic" is some weird Klingon word for "not ironic."
WOULDN'T THAT BE IRONIC THOUGH
Jake: You seem like a bad decision. I want to make you.
Jake: My fee will be this redhead.
Jake: So hey, I just made a deal with a murdercow.
Ember: Oh, did you decide to get yourself murdered for me?
Ember: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANT
Ember: I'm serious, dickhole. Get your dick away from my hole.
Jake: Okay, my fee will now be...
The Mad Cow: A different redhead.
Jake: GET ME A CATALOGUE.
It's gonna need to have one hell of a selection.
Jake: So this chick hates me now.
The Mad Cow: You seem really hateable, so yeah.
The Mad Cow: Your lifespan is more than half over.
The Mad Cow: The world has really got to work on its enabling of my speedy escapes.
The Mad Cow: 'cuz here I go, walking away all innocent-like, but you know that bitch is totally dead now.
The Mad Cow: Luckily I came prepared and hopeful for just such an eventuality.
Kay: Have you ever noticed the lines on the sidewalk are the same colour as the driveways? Maybe they're full of tiny cars, going to tiny places on a tiny little-
The Mad Cow: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Kay: I'M WILLING TO CONSIDER ALTERNATE THEORIES
The revival of Picket Fences overplayed the surreal aspects.
The Mad Cow: Eww, don't put your hand there, that's gross. Could be gum or something.
The Mad Cow: Hey, do you get paid for this gig?
The Grim Reaper: MY LIFE IS AN ENDLESS TREADMILL OF DRUDGERY
The Mad Cow: So that's a yes?
The Grim Reaper: NAH, THANKS, I'M PICKING THIS ONE UP.
Jake: What, so, you're just straight up killing people now?
The Grim Reaper: USE THE WIDE EMITTER, LET'S TRY AND CATCH THIS ASSHAT TOO.
Jake: I'm stealing your taxi, dead girl.
It's honestly amazing I still have live Maxis townies.
'cuz look at this and explain to me why I'd wanna.
Ember: Which reminds me, these puppies aren't getting enough use.
Ember: What? Can you say that bigger?
Ever been so mad you just took out the garbage?
Ember: That's a terrible thing to say about all of Jake's things!
Ember: Oh boy, this again.
Caryl Hart: I bet my first name started as a typo.
Ember: Stop stonefourthwalling me and make with the penises!
Caryl: How big around? This big?
Ember: That's an option?!
Caryl: Holy shit my moneyhand is working again!
Ember: Can you teach me?
Ember: I'm gonna shake your hand in anticipation of their being nothing wrong with this blind date.
Caryl: This is Patrick. He is a zombieman.
Ember: NOT EVEN IF HE'S HOT
Patrick: I think all those brains I ate just got concussed.
Patrick: Whoa. I'd eat your brains second, baby.
Luckily she lives in a world where zombie disposal is part of the municipal budget.
Ember: Hi William these are my tits they're yours if you come shoot someone for me
William: Alright, but we'll need to make it look like an accident.
Ember: ...he's a zombie.
William: Why didn't you say so?
Ember: WHY DID I HAVE TO
Marvin: Zed zed!
Ember: Use your inside voice! The one inside your head. Only babies talk in floating zeds.
William: Clever disguise, zombie scum, but I have you!
Patrick: I couldn't unlive with myself if I let that poor old racial stereotype suffer in my place.
William: Oh no! A preppie! Shoot it, shoot it!
William: Who you gonna call? This guy.
William: Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?
Patrick: Is this some weird old guy proposition?
William: Don't I know you? Aren't you a black kid?
We SERIOUSLY do not need the authorities shooting any more of those.
...I can't even make a joke about it, it just needs to stop.
William: They just need some good old-fashioned zombies to shoot!
Patrick: IF THIS IS ABOUT STEALING YOUR HAIRCUT I'M SORRY BUT IT'S BOSS
William: BAM BAM CHICKACHICKACHICKA BAM
Patrick: ...it was all just a joke?!
Patrick: THE BULLETS ARE REAL WHY ARE YOU MAKING THOSE NOISES
William: 'cuz it reminds me of sex.
Old man, what the hell you gonna kill next?
William: WHADDAYA GOT
Is diaper shitting a crime?
How about douchey haircuts?
William: WHAT HAVE I DONE
...I don't know?
Patrick: STUPID MADE-IN-SIMCHURIA CLOTHES!
Patrick: I'M PASSING OUT, THIS GIANT SCHLONG NEEDS ALL MY BLOOD
William: I SYMPATHIZE
The Grim Reaper: STAND BACK. OLD PEOPLE SOMETIMES JUST FLOOOOAT AWAY WHEN I TURN THIS PUPPY ON.
Ember: Oh, Patrick! I could just flooooat away on that giant dead schlong of yours.
William: Um, hello? Minimum safe distance?
Caryl: I just want to feel the cold embrace of death. Just for a moment. Just so I know it can happen.
William: Va va voom, baby! You're so hot, you're practically glowing!
Ember: I do feel awful light and airy right now!
Ember: ...please tell me the beam is just cosmetic.
William: Wow, a discretion cut! I didn't even know you had discretion.
Ember: Help! REAP!
The Grim Reaper: THANKS FOR INCLUDING ME IN THAT OFF-COLOUR JOKE.
William: Um... what?
Ember died. She stood in the beam.
William: No, I get that. But what was the jo-... oh! Grim Raper, I get it!
Caryl: From some angles it looks like an absolutely stoked monkey, side profile, with kickin' muttonchops.
Now you see it too.
William: Alright, time for some impromptu science.
I think you mean "Science."
William: No, you need to be a professional for that.
Caryl: Now it looks like two monkey skulls sucking on one piece of spaghetti!
Caryl: OKAY YOU DON'T LIKE MONKEYS I GET THAT
Social Worker: Okay, where's the orphans?
William: Before you say anything, I am totally licensed to kill this gypsy.
Social Worker: So... the orphans?
William: You're not going to make a big deal out of this clear abuse of power?
Social Worker: I'm not that kind of social worker.
The Grim Reaper: FIRST YOU GET A BITCH STUCK IN MY BEAM, NOW YOU WANT ME TO SUCK UP ANOTHER ONE?!
Social Worker: Won't someone think of the children?
The Grim Reaper: SO YOU MURDERED THIS WOMAN.
William: All the matchmakers are ENTROPY agents.
The Grim Reaper: AND YOU THINK THIS WILL FIX YOUR STUPID FRIEND.
William: Hey, I don't expect you to fix the stupid, that's too deeply engrained!
Caryl: I'm so honoured to be a part of this uplifting storyline.
William: Come on. You take this one, I'll take the other one, we'll call it square.
The Grim Reaper: YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PAPERWORK A SOUL TRANSFER GENERATES.
Social Worker: Stop having fun, it's almost gruel time at the orphanage!
The Grim Reaper: I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE'S DOING, JUST SEND HER BACK DOWN.
William: Is she fucking the other ghosts? She's fucking the other ghosts, isn't she.
Heaven can wait.
There's plenty of fucking left down here.
Ember: And I am so ready to get on with it.
William: We're doing this.
William: Sex angel.
William: Very progressive.
William: Do you remember what happened?
Ember: There was a bright light, and I was moving toward it.
William: Yeah, nice work on that dipshit.
Ember: Then I went to heaven, and they offered me a job.
William: What kind of job?
Ember: Oh, you know.
William: So, about that electricity.
Ember: Oh, yeah! Isn't it neat? I'm sexually radioactive now.
Ember: I'm not sure it's safe, to be totally honest with you.
I'm not sure it matters.
Ember: Anyway, MAN is it oversatured in heaven! I was all like GIVE IT A BREAK WITH THE CAREBEARS SHIT and then suddenly a lady skeleton was shooting me out of a cannon.
William: And I helped.
William: I am so glad I didn't kill that elderly woman for no good reason.
William: So you've got some sort of residual heavenly energy floating around you.
Ember: I think it's inside me. Deep, deep inside me.
William: I'm willing to reach for it! You find me a good access point, and I'll pick my most versatile appendage to make the trip.
Social Worker: And this is why I'm taking your babies.
William: I suspect she can just make more.
William: Fucking honeybees?
There's lots of honeybees in heaven.
Because we killed all the ones down here.
Ember: I feel so refreshed and new!
You've definitely got a cleaner look going now.
Ember: Oh, I dunno. I think there's still some dirty in me.
William: Sheesh. You smell like my wet dreams.
Ember: Can I help it if my breasts are emitting magical heavenly pheremones?
William: If you can, don't.
Ember: So, I've been thinking. If I've accidentally turned myself into a sex goddess, my first act of coitus as a reborn woman should have some real ritual significance.
William: This is starting to sound like a religion I can get behind, if you take my meaning.
Ember: You mean you're gonna fuck me.
William: That's how the laity describe it, yes.
William: And you can just call me the layman.
William: 'cuz I'm gonna fuck you.
Ember: I may or may not have called you in the first place because I heard you've got a nine-inch penis.
William: His visible form is nine inches, yes, but that's only because the human imagination can't conceive of something bigger.
Ember: I've had wet dreams of my own that prove you wrong.
Ember: The bed is upstairs.
Ember: We should also be upstairs.
Ember: On the bed.
William: On you, on the bed.
Ember: I can get beneath that.
Ember: 'cuz you're gonna fuck me.
William: I get such a warm and wholesome feeling out of you!
Ember: It's a trap.
Ember: Feel that? I'm pumping my godjuice into you.
William: Can I use that line?
William: Can I use you?
Ember: I could fill your pants right now with a whisper.
Ember: Only 1,000? Those must be some tight pants.
Ember: What say we go upstairs and change into something a bit less... sticky?
William: Or just two naked, sticky people.
Ember: WHY ARE WE STILL FOREPLAYING
William: 'cuz this might be the one that finally heartattacks me.
Ember: It's okay. If you die in mid-orgasm, I've got the juice to bring you back.
William: Ember Fox, the human crash cart.
William: So, is there some trick to taking off these holy relics? Do I need to find some credulous pastor to pawn them off on?
William: Heyyyy, now that's a neat trick.
Ember: Heaven is never needing to change your clothes.
William: I think your current outfit is good for all occasions, honey.
William: You should totally walk around like this.
Ember: Sorry, I'm an angel now. I don't do walking.
William: But I bet you still give rides.
Ember: I'm a one-way trip to cloud number nine, buddy.
Ember: Still banter, still no sex.
William: I don't get it either.
Ember: Well here's the problem!
Ember: Much better.
In the words of Dalboz of Gurth, Third Dungeon Master of Zork, "Exactly where were you keeping that?"
Ember: I'm more interested in where he's gonna put it.
Ember: Now, take me to church.
William: You're lighter than you look!
Ember: Is in no way a compliment.
William: Yeah, my bad.
Ember: Now, I should warn you. This much sexual energy might not be healthy. It might not even be survivable.
William: Who told you my sex speech?!
William: Then again, I guess the whole neighbourhood has heard it by now.
Speaking of things the whole neighbourhood will hear.
William: I wanna be on top.
Ember: Well you go get magic powers and we'll toss a coin.
William: Lady, genetics gave me my magic powers.
Ember: If there's one thing Star Wars has taught me, it's that magic beats genetics every time.
William: Except for all the Jedi masters who were purged by the clone troopers after Order 66 was issued.
Ember: If I had a penis it would be visibly shrinking right now.
William: Luckily mine remains a load-bearing member.
William: Hahaha member.
William: You forgot one thing about me, honey.
Ember: What's that?
William: I'm a secret agent.
William: You never know which side I'm on!
William: If we do this at my place, will that glow come out on its own or will I need to use bleach?
Ember: I'd hope you use bleach all the time, automatically.
Ember: Anyway I'm fine with sacrificing a few pairs of sheets for this.
William: It's like my penis has its own personal spa and massage retreat!
Ember: It's like my vagina is ingesting the Pillars of the Earth.
Ember: By which I mean your dick is like two dicks.
William: Or even three, depending on your points of comparison.
Ember: Hahaha Jerome.
William: Hahaha what a dead loser.
Ember: How did you get your ass so toned?
William: Pelvic thrusts.
Ember: They really drive me insa-a-a-ane!
Ember: I hate that movie.
William: I've already forgotten what you said.
Ember: The power of sex compels you!
Ember: I hate that movie too.
Ember: So I've already orgasmed like seven times.
William: Yeah, we'd better leave me enough gas in the tank to get home.
Ember: ...why do you need semen to walk?
William: So there's the potential I'll be walking towards something fun!
William: Speaking of which, did you have a fun time tonight?
Ember: ...I just had a nine-inch dick up my crotch!
William: I don't know how I compare to the dudes in SimHeaven, do I?
Ember: Um, William. SIMHEAVEN. How big you do think their dicks are?
Stephen: NICE GUYS HAVE NICE SIZED DICKS
William: I can't believe you seduced that dude.
Ember: In my defense, we didn't know about nine-inch penises back in Gen 1.
William: Realizing how old you are?
Ember: No, still thinking about that nine-inch penis.
Maybe I should add that to the journal tags.
William: I always pictured you as more of a hands-on person.
Ember: You know me too well!
William: I'm a devout member of the Church of Our Lady Immoral!
Ember: Thanks for saving my life, William.
William: Thanks for making it worth my while.
William: Jesus, this thing.
Ember: I know, right? I know.
Have I ever told you how your dad caused the serial killer sprees and the Zombie Apocalypse?
William: AND he kicked our can over!
Geez. the more things change...
Ember: The hotter I get.
Ember: Don’t think I can’t feel you sneaking it in down there.
William: I'd be pretty upset if you couldn't, honestly.
If you value your eyes you won't come inside.
Wren: You have no idea what I've seen my mom do.
I wish that were true, I really do.
Ember: So apparently we're just straight up having sex again.
William: Hey, I saw my opening and I took it.
William: Or rather, I saw your opening.
Ember: My opening is your opening, baby.
What's in the bag? Dildos? Marijuana? The corpse of your little sister, stolen by gypsies at an early age?
...something you want to dry-hump?
I'm not sure I could have guessed that.
Boy, I'm sure it felt nice getting that off your chest.
Jake: Anything else you wanna get off your chest, sweetheart?
Ember: Am I totally cute now or what.
William: It's almost obnoxious.
William: Alright, the dick tranquilizer will only put her out for-
Nope, we're not doing dick tranquilizer jokes.
Not while Bill Cosby is still allowed to walk around free like some kind of human being.
William: Man, I'm like an R-Rated King Midas. Everything my dick touches turns into awesome.
The Mad Cow: Now this is good blackmail material.
Um, no? She's not with anybody, so she can date Jake and nobody will care.
The Mad Cow: Solid evidence she's dating that jackshit, though...
Oh! You're right! Never mind.
The Mad Cow: The worst thing about art installations is you're not always there to see the looks on people's faces.
The Mad Cow: I just have to take solace in the pain and suffering I know I'm causing.
William: If I don't stop thinking about her soon, I'm gonna need new orange pants and CAN YOU EVEN BUY ORANGE PANTS ANYMORE
The Mad Cow: I need to set up a depot where people can drop these things off for me.
The Mad Cow: ...if I leave it here in the rain, it'll get wrecked anyway.
Yeah, you're a real good samaritan.
I wouldn't mind waking up to this.
Ember: And I wouldn't mind being able to fly but that doesn't make it any less impossible.
Ember: But thanks.
I really like this stripped-down look you're going for.
Ember: Seriously though, what kind of outfit goes well with super-hot redheadedness?
I think you know the answer.
Ember: You know, I think I do.
Next time: enh, I'll leave you guessing.