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The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 267


Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!



If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!


In which heroism hopefully does not figure.




I'm about tapped on court-related humour.

Which doesn't augur well for the next half-dozen court cases, does it?

I'm sure I'll get my second wind.



William: How long are you going to be making that face at me?
Andrew: For as long as you're in my field of vision.



Samella: Okay. Okay! Court case, right! Because I'm a lawyer. A real lawyer.



Samella: The state calls William Something Sharpe to the stand!



Andrew: It's STEPHEN. After my dad.
William: Don't rub it in.



William: There's my girl!
Cameron: I used to be his girl.



Cameron: Used to be.



Cameron: Do I need to say that slower? Louder?



Cameron: Or maybe words don't quite do it for you.



Andrew: I caught you guys in bed. And then I blew up the bed. Your torrid affair is one hundred percent acknowledged, Cameron.



Hobart: THERE'S STILL A TRIAL IN HERE



Andrew: Goo-goo eyes wait for no man.



Samella: Thanks for taking so long! Seriousy, though. I needed the time to figure out a question to ask you.



William: Youuuuu... are a bad attorney, Samella.



Samella: Well then would a bad attorney say thank you! and pass you off to the other side? Because that's what I'm doing.
Brandi: Um, hello? What?



William: You don't want to ask me any questions.
Samella: Not until you apologize.



William: Is there going to be evidence in this trial at some point?



Andrew: Don't look at me, I'm not saving her.



Hobart: I wonder if mistrials are a thing.



German: This guy is a spook and I don't like spooks! I mean secret agents not black people.



German: I've never met a black person.
William: Okay...?!



German: That's all I got to say to you.



Hobart: COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE PROVIDE ME WITH AT LEAST ONE PIECE OF ACTUAL INFORMATION



Samella: The state calls that guy there! With the beard.



William: I wonder. If I grow a beard, will anyone ever notice you again?



William: Please tell me you have something to ask him.
Samella: I don't want you to get mad at me.



Samella: Mister Beard, could you please... tell us... what happened?



Andrew: Close enough.



Andrew: I came downstairs one day to see William staring at Brandi's ass.



Andrew: So I told him to fuck off.



Andrew: And he did.



Andrew: And then I shut Brandi up in the bathroom to die.



Samella: For no reason?!
Andrew: For the reason that she'd turned into a zombie and was trying to eat people!



Samella: How did that happen?
Andrew: I didn't see it.
Samella: But didn't anyone ever tell you?!
Andrew: Hearsay is inadmissible as evidence...?
Samella: What do those words mean?



Andrew: Call Cameron again.



Samella: IF YOU'RE SO SMART WHY DON'T YOU COME DO MY JOB? Please?



Andrew: Okay, okay, just... ask me what happened next. You can do that, right?



Samella: What happened next, Mister Man?



Andrew: I waited for Brandi to starve to death.



Andrew: Which she did.



Samella: That wasn't a picture of Brandi.
Andrew: I didn't see her die. I just felt the death memory.
Brandi: Well I was there!



Brandi: I remember shithead's shithead girlfriend, and some stupid zombie, and a butler. They're probably all dead except shithead's shithead. Oh, and Death was there too, but you probably can't call him.



Andrew: That's about what happened, plus or minus a few shitheads.



Andrew: Please don't build your entire case on me.



Samella: I forget whatever else I was gonna ask him. Your turn, Germy!



German: I prefer to be called Fritz. And what do I want this dude for? He's clearly old and useless.



Brandi: Can I sue my attorney when this is all over?



Hobart: How about I just get him disbarred?



Andrew: Shoot them both, I say.



Brandi: Did the prosecution rest yet? Can I testify? Does anyone know what's happening?



German: I guess it's my turn now? Get out of the chair.



Andrew: Well done, everyone.



Andrew: This has been a model of legal procedure.



German: The... good guys, call Brandi Buffalito to the chair.



Brandi: I'm not sure my dignity will allow me to respond to that.



Samella: Just do what I do and have no dignity!



Andrew: Good luck, Bienvenido.



William: You actually managed to wedge some testimony in there. Nice work.



Cameron: Yeah, nice work, honey.



Samella: So, like, why were you a zombie?



Brandi: Because my fiancé had a zombie in his closet.



Brandi: I went in to help her with her painting.



Brandi: She ate my brains instead.



Brandi: Who keeps zombies in the closet?!



Samella: I give up. Who?



Brandi: Please stop being so useless.



German: How about a sing-along? ♪ Mares eat oats and does eat oats ♪ come on everybody, sing!



Andrew: ♭ And little lambs eat ivy? ♭
William: Piiiiitiful. ♯ A kid'll eat ivy too! ♯



Samella: Wouldn't you?



Samella: What were we doing again?



Brandi: RUINING my LIFE



Brandi: I DON'T WANT TO DIE AGAIN JUST BECAUSE I DIED ONCE



Samella: Whatever, she's noisy, I'm done with her.



German: You didn't sing, Brandi.



German: I'll give you one last chance. ♪ Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? ♪



German: ♪ Caught in a landslide ♪



Brandi: ♪ No escape from reality! ♪ If you can call it that.



Brandi: Now get the fuck out of my way.



German: What? You want to fuck me?! Well, okay!



German: But the birth control is your responsibility.



Brandi: I wouldn't touch your frozen sperm with a ten-foot uterus, mister!



German: Woohoo! I wasn't listening, what?



Brandi: Ew, get me out of that balloon. I don't know where it's been.



Please tell me this debacle is almost over.



German: The defense rests. Hurry it up so I can go home and masturbate to the court sketches.



Ooh! A ball game in formal wear!

Where's Tommy Wiseau?



Hobart: Okay, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go think about what you just did. All of you.



Andrew: They didn't call Cameron again! Cameron's the only one who knows what actually happened!
William: Oh well?



Samella: TELL THE REST OF IT THEN

Sigh.



Brandi goaded Cameron into attacking her.



She wanted to be a zombie because she's an evil secret agent.



Aurora: You gonna let the Maker interfere with your case like that?
German: .oO(Mmm, zombie titties.)



Kenya: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Dagmar: They're just kids, Kenya. And I've got two Captain Heros on my side!



Dagmar: I wonder if he'll send them both over with one call.



I can't wait to see how much sense you wrung out of this damp rag.



Samella: MY RAG IS NOT DAMP



The Grim Reaper: ALRIGHT, TWO FOR ONE DEAL. ALL THEY DO IS CRY ANYWAY, IT'S BEEN AN ANNOYING COUPLE OF DECADES.



Dagmar: Ladies.



Brandi: .oO(Come on come on come ON! Where are my psychic attack flies?!)





Oh no! Somebody laid a trap for them!



Hobart: First of all, I'm disregarding the Maker's testimony because I believe in separation of church and state.

I am unfortunately in perfect agreement with that sentiment.



Hobart: It pains me to say that neither the prosecution nor the defense, or as counsellor Gatewood put it, "the good guys," gave me anything resembling a real case to think about.



Hobart: Bad lawyers make Hobart sad.



Hobart: Anyway, it's still pretty clear that Brandi Bertino broke into a registered government test site, Mister Murphy's so-called closet, and exposed herself willingly to the zombie contagion for no good reason.



Hobart: "Help her with her painting" my ass. I find you guilty of high treason and sentence you to life in prison. Case dismissed, go read some textbooks counsellors.



Brandi: Boo.



Oliver: Did I hear right? Did you bring my sisters back?
Dagmar: Yes, congratulations! They're going to jail forever.



Yvonne: Might as well take a swig. Life imprisonment as a zombie is a long goddamned time.



Dagmar: I wouldn't miss this trial. Get it?
Oliver: No.



Ricky: Ra ra, justice! Ra ra, police!
German: Let me get my accordion!



Ricky: COME WITH ME EVIL DOER



Ricky: HOW DOES PRISONER

Next time: We!Zombies.

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Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
lumy12
Jul. 30th, 2017 04:26 pm (UTC)
LOL separation of church and state! But, if the Maker who knows all can actually SPEAK... oh well, it all worked out fine, justice is always served in Sharpesvale.

I don't know why the uterus joke in particular made me giggle but good job. I remembered something I forgot to say yesterday, at some random time last night when I wasn't online, and now I've forgotten it again. Phooey!
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )